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Eddie’s not gay. He’s never really thought about it. He doesn’t think he’s ever harbored secret feelings, secret lusts. He married the first girl he kissed and has dated woman ever since. Though it’s been a while. He hasn’t really thought about that either.
But he’s an ally. Eddie loves everyone for who they are, respects them. (Except the barista at the coffee shop closest to the station who Eddie swears fucks up his order on purpose, and the motherfucker who cut him off in traffic last week, and the people who insist on deep-frying turkeys indoors every year. And ICE agents. And billionaires.) So not everyone, but not because of their sexuality.
He’s an ally. People trust him. His buddy, Devin, in his squad was gay and nobody cared because they all had each other’s backs. Buck came out to him, wide-eyed and open-hearted, and Eddie was happy to be there to support him. Karen and Hen have him over for coffee and gossip. They’re family. He’s even thinking about joining the PFLAG group at Chris’ high school even though Chris hasn’t hinted at being anything but straight.
He’s not gay. But the club is very loud – some remix of a song he thinks he’s heard on the drive to work is booming all around, making it hard to hear whatever it is Ravi’s saying to him now. And Buck is dancing.
Buck’s been drinking and he’s shining with sweat under the pulsing blue and pink lights. He’s not shining – he’s fucking glowing. His shirt’s unbuttoned more than usual and Eddie can see his collarbones and the curve of his pecs, and the black lines of a tattoo Eddie didn’t even know he had. It looks new and Eddie’s dying to know what it says and if there’s more hiding he doesn’t know about.
Buck is dancing in a club, and the sight is so wildly unexpected, so extraordinary, that Eddie doesn’t know what to do with himself. Buck left their table when a gorgeous, leggy woman approached him, all leonine smiles and long hair and eyes only for him.
Eddie’s never seen Buck flirt with anyone. Tommy was…around and then he wasn’t. Eddie hardly noticed; his pickup basketball game teams changed one day and that was that. But he noticed this. The woman’s hand on Buck’s forearm, lingering on bare skin where his sleeves are rolled up. Buck not pushing her away. Buck knocking back the last of his drink before letting this nameless woman lead him away from the table and into the throng of bodies and flashing lights.
Eddie’s not gay but Buck is dancing between two people – the woman at his front and a tall, dark-haired man at his back. Crowded in so close.
Eddie can’t see their faces. He doesn’t care to see their faces, but he can see Buck’s. He’s laughing, open-mouthed, all teeth. Head thrown back and eyes crinkling shut with it as if something could ever be so funny. His neck is long, tendons stretching, throat bared and glistening with sweat under the pulsating lights. Eddie thinks if he were closer he’d be able to see Buck’s pulse thrumming away under his skin.
“—you know what I mean?”
“What?” He didn’t hear what Ravi was saying. He hasn’t been listening.
“She’s hot,” Ravi says. “Sorry about it.”
Eddie frowns and shakes the ice around his drink. “Why?”
Ravi shrugs. “Tonight was supposed to be about you.”
Buck is dancing with two people and they both have their hands on him. It makes sense. Buck is bisexual. Eddie knows this. Buck dated Taylor and Ali and that woman who thought it was cool that he died, and then he dated Tommy even though Eddie totally didn’t get it. Not because Tommy was a guy. He just…didn’t get it. Them. It doesn’t matter now.
The last time Eddie remembers Buck dancing was Chim’s bachelor party, and he barely remembers the night at all. There was tequila and a DJ and Buck ripping the sleeve of his shirt off at some point, for some reason. There were too many people in too small of a space and champagne exploding over them both, leaving him sticky with sweat and sugar.
Then, Buck danced like he’d forgotten how to control his long limbs, moving with abandon and liquor. And maybe he had forgotten with how wasted they’d been. Eddie wishes he could remember more of that night, that someone had taken pictures. He thinks it was an amazing time.
Now, now it’s different. Eddie’s eyes track to Buck’s hips, the surprisingly smooth glide of them between two bodies. There are hands on Buck’s hips – big, male hands, holding him, guiding him as they rock to the heavy beat of the music.
Eddie swallows and his throat his dry.
“Looks like he’s having fun,” Ravi yells over the music.
Eddie nods. The song has changed. It’s slower now, sensual. Eddie feels it in his belly.
“Ever had a threesome?”
He doesn’t choke on air, but it’s a close thing. “Uh, no.” It’s an easy answer. He doesn’t have to lie or obfuscate. He likes sex. He’s good at sex, but he’s a one-on-one kind of guy.
“Me neither,” Ravi muses. He’s also watching Buck, but it’s with a kind of vague amusement. “Seems complicated.”
Eddie lifts his glass to his mouth, but what’s left of his drink is mostly ice.
Buck turns his head, finds Eddie across the room. The stutter-flash of the neon lights breaks him apart into a kaleidoscope of pieces. Dark eyes. Damp chest. Wet mouth, parted lips. The easy flex and pull of his hips with another man’s hands on them.
Eddie’s not gay, but Buck is dancing between two strangers, and he suddenly can’t breathe and the air is very hot around him. He hasn’t had a panic attack in years, but his chest is tight and he’s sweating. His heart is beating too fast for doing nothing but standing.
“Think he’ll go home with them?” Ravi asks and Eddie has to bite back the ‘shut up’ that rises behind his teeth.
“Maybe,” he says and he hates the thought. Hates it in a way he never thought about Tommy or Ali or even the specter of Abby.
But Buck is still looking at him, still watching him. Heavy-lidded eyes and not paying attention to the woman throwing her head back against his chest or the man trying to pull his hips, his ass back against him.
Buck is looking at him, and the lights are strobing across his face and Eddie has the thought for maybe the first time that Buck is beautiful. Buck is beautiful and everyone else knows it already and Eddie is just figuring it out while someone else has their hands on Buck’s body and Buck is staring at Eddie from across a club they’ve never been to before.
“You okay?” Ravi asks, and Eddie doesn’t have an answer for him. He doesn’t know anything anymore.
“Yeah, I…” He should go home. He could go out on the dance floor and join Buck. Step in. He knows how to dance. He could — he doesn’t know what he could do. What he should do. His skin feels too tight.
The woman’s hands are in Buck’s hair now, but he’s smiling at Eddie. Eddie would call the look inviting if it were a woman, if it were anyone else. He needs to take a breath. It’s too late for thoughts, or too early in the morning. He’s not sure anymore.
“I’m gonna get another drink,” he yells to Ravi. “Want anything?”
“I’m good.”
Eddie catches Buck’s dark gaze one last time before he turns and heads for the bar. He doesn’t wait to see if Buck follows him.