Chapter Text
“You sinners SQUANDER EVERYTHING!” Lucifer knew, in the back of his head, that he was probably making a scene. Er…that’s what people said, right? When everyone started turning towards him and staring and whispering? But it wasn’t his fault! Alastor just had that effect on people! “I CANNOT BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT YOU COULD DO GOOD WITH FREE WILL!”
“Haha!” The radio demon was clearly, infuriatingly, enjoying himself. “I think you are forgetting something though, your majesty!”
Lucifer had never wanted to turn someone into a satisfying and quiet pile of ash more in his life.
“OHHHH PRAY TELL WHAT?”
“You.” He said slowly, stalking towards him. “Are.” He bent down. “Short!” He punctuated the word with a tap on his forehead.
Lucifer stared at him for a moment, rage filling the sparse square footage of his body.
“...THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?”
“You simply see problems…hmmm, what’s the right word…as much larger than they are!” He said with a deep cackle as though he had just won an argument that he in fact had not.
“I SEE-”
Before Lucifer could elaborate much further on his sight, it was interfered with by his daughter, who had, not for the first time, stepped between them. He felt his tone instinctively soften at her presence, shrinking back a bit. Alastor did not, looking at him smugly.
Perhaps he could smugly be thrown into a wall. His mind fantasized pleasantly. But alas, Charlie was still attached to him. He got it, kinda, unwise attachments were genetic after all, but it was still torture to see this man anywhere near her.
“Dalastor!” She said with forced cheeriness, looking between them. She’d begun to just combine their names when they fought to save breath. Lucifer hated it. He would never tell her this. “Whaaat seems to be the problem this time!”
“His majesty’s height, of course!” Alastor replied immediately.
“My-what? No!” Lucifer felt himself start to sweat practically immediately, social awkwardness adding itself to his life without much welcome. Much like the radio demon, in fact. “NonononOOO. It was uh. Uh.” He paused for a long moment. “Uh. What were we fighting about again?”
Alastor looked at him incredulously.
“You would think it would be important for one to remember what exactly had them proclaiming the evil of the entire human race, no?”
“I…uh.” Lucifer paused. Charlie was now looking at him with pain in her eyes. He felt one hand move to his wrist, which was still covered in sores from the manacles of The Scary Box. “Um.”
“No worries! I still remember!” Alastor sang. Lucifer snapped out of it, looking at him angrily instead of thinking about…everything. He slid up beside Charlie, giving Lucifer a mockingly sympathetic look. “I…harmed one of your father’s little…rubber avians!”
“His name was QUACK SPARROW!” Lucifer snapped without thinking. Then he looked at Charlie awkwardly. His daughter looked like she was trying hard to stay in mediator mode and not laugh her ass off. Vaggie let out a soft snort, and Alastor only cocked his head at the pop culture reference. Right, the chittering radio man barely had an understanding of anything outside of the 1920s. Lucifer cleared his throat and straightened his jacket. “But uh. That’s…haha! Unimportant”
“Unimportant seems to be quite the coupling with the mental breakdown that unfolded!” Alastor said snidely.
“You threw it into your shadow’s mouth!” He glared at said shadow, who blinked at him and shrunk back, looking much more remorseful than Alastor did. He paused for a moment, feeling an unreasonable amount of guilt, then tried to give it a smile. “I uh…hope it tasted alright?”
The shadow nodded in response, still seeming bashful, and Lucifer turned back to the task at hand.
“It was hungry!” Alastor said with a flippant wave of his hand. “You know how shadows are, treat them badly and they’re bound to get unattached!"
“Who are you, Peter Pan?”
“Dalastor!” Charlie repeated, halting their bickering again. She pointed at Alastor. “You! Feed your shadow something that is not my dad’s ducks, please?” She pointed at Lucifer, who flinched a little. “You! Stop…” She sighed tiredly, and Lucifer could tell from the tone it was the sinner thing.
“Sorry.” He said quietly. “I’m just uh. Going to leave.”
He snapped his fingers, beginning to summon some magic to flick away, when Charlie put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him immediately.
“Nope. We have staff bonding in 15 minutes.” She held up her hand, and a half-shadow-engulfed Alastor froze. “I expect both of you to be there.” Both of them let out varying sighs(Lucifer’s: god why me and Alastor’s: I wanted to kill a man tonight…damn it. Spose I’ll have to settle for killing the last of this guy’s sanity). She grinned, all traces of exhaustion disappearing. “Oh c'mon! It’s mandatory for all the staff, after all!”
Immediately, there were various cries from several others around the room–the blue anglerfish one saying ‘Sorry I have several important studies to conduct that will certainly take hooours to complete’(was he even staff? What was the point of an excuse?) and the gray cat one–Husk! THAT WAS HIS NAME. MENTAL CONFETTI AND BALLOONS–just grumbling. Even Charlie’s girlfriend looked less than enthusiastic.
As his daughter started going around to try and make her introverted staff a bit more excited at the idea of socializing, Lucifer started calculating what, exactly, he could do in the next 15 minutes to prepare for the imminent social situation that he could not escape
Things that would not work:
-Ducks(each took around 20 minutes to complete, at least to make them happy and proportionate. Which Lucifer tried hard to do.)
- Crying(face got way too red and his makeup would be ruined, no thanks)
-Arson(Not, apparently, an acceptable thing to do in shared spaces anymore. Lucifer had his doubts, but what Charlie said went in his book)
So what exactly woooould work?
Lucifer is jolted out of his mulling when he notices Alastor’s shadow, looking at him curiously. He gave it a tentative wave, attempting a smile-
“Goodness me! So desperate for attention you’ll take a trick of the light for companionship?”
Lucifer furrowed his brow at Alastor.
“I’m being nice to inanimate objects. Something you seem unable to do!”
“Well one could be slightly concerned that you get so attached to inan-”
Lucifer decided to deftly end this conversation that had gotten a bit too real by turning around abruptly and deciding to take a 15 minute walk.
His favorite and least favorite thing about this hotel is that he has absolutely no idea how to navigate it.
Of course, Lucifer would have quite a bit of trouble navigating out of a paper bag, and he was well aware of that. But the twisting halls, repetitive doors, patterned floors…it was all flashy and exciting in a way that made one entirely forget where exactly he’d been 30 seconds ago.
So it’s a complete accident when he walks in on the cyclops who blows shit up and the pig sitting together on the couch.
Lucifer immediately froze as they both turned to face him, laughing stiffly and nervously and way too loudly stop standing like that why are you so awkward christ-
“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt-”
The woman waited for a moment, then beckoned to him.
“Come on over, king.”
He paused for a moment, entirely wanting to leave.
The pig snorted at him.
Damn that was a cute pig.
Lucifer sat down, tapping his hands nervously on his knees.
“I don’t think we’ve uh…met.” He said tentatively. He didn’t, but whenever he said that people tended to be like ‘UHHH OF COUUURSE WE HAVEEEEEE??? Remember when I met you in college??? I LIKE! MADE YOU FAIL GEOMETRY!’ and uh. Stuff. Which was! Really uncomfortable!
To his surprise though, the woman nodded.
“I’m Cherri Bomb” Lucifer blinked at her. What an easy to remember name! She literally had a bomb constantly! She gestured to the pig. “And this is Fat Nuggets.” She looked at him. “We have a question for ya.”
“Oh! Uh. What is it?” He asked in a very cool and casual way he was sure.
“He’s seemed a bit…off lately?” She asked, holding the pig up to eye level. She let out a sudden uncaring laugh that Lucifer knew was fake the moment it left her lips. “Not that it like. Matters. I’m just takin’ care of him for a little while, ya know? But uh…” She offered him to Lucifer. “Can you uh…take a look at ‘im?”
“Oh.” Lucifer hummed, then gently took him from her. Fat Nuggets let out a short squeal before trembling for a moment, squirming. Lucifer paused, then moved to sit on the floor, placing the pig down before him. The creature looked up at him for a moment, and Lucifer waited for it to run away, making sure to not make eye contact. It stressed pigs out more. After a moment he felt Fat Nuggets clamber into his lap(which wasn’t too difficult, it wasn’t a reach even for him), rooting into it with a short snort. Lucifer snapped his fingers, and a small straw bed appeared next to the couch. He lifted him up and placed him into it with a little pat. Then he looked at Cherri.
“Does he like coconuts?” He asked quietly, snapping his fingers to dim the lights in the room. Even Lucifer had to admit it was a bit overkill...at the moment.
“He uh. Likes my cigs?”
“Hm.” Lucifer summoned one(the fruit not the smoke thing), along with a bowl of cheerios, then offered them to him. “Mud baths?”
“You mean the acid rain mud?”
Lucifer chuckled.
“Ask me about it later, I’ll get you some.” He said absentmindedly. Fat Nuggets snorted into his hand, then practically inhaled the food. He straightened, turning to Cherri. “Seems like he’s anxious. Just try to keep him away from a lot of stimuli and treat him like the prince he is, he should be fine.”
The cyclops looked relieved, letting her shoulders fall.
“Yeah alrigh’. I can do that for Angel.”
Lucifer blinked.
“Who?”
“Angel.” She repeated, putting her hand up. “About too fuckin’tall, white, talks about fuckin’ all the time?” She pointed at the pig. “Fat Nuggets is his.”
p
“Oh.” That sounded…vaaaguely familiar? “Where is he then? He seems to have treated Fat Nuggets really well if he’s this stressed out now.”
Cherri’s face suddenly flooded with grief, but she shook her head and cleared her throat.
“He hasn’t been gone long. He’ll be back soon. I know it. No…no matter what happened.”
Uh...that was ominous.
“So. What happe-”
Suddenly, an incredibly loud noise sounded over the intercom. The sweet, incredible sound of his dear daughter.
“TIIIME FOR A STAFF MEEETING! EVERYONE MEET IN THE KITCHEN FOR GROUP BONDING! IMMEDIATELY! Uh…Please?” The way Charlie said ‘group bonding’ was filled with so much joy and excitement that Lucifer couldn’t help but smile a bit. Cherri stood up and stretched, going over to give Fat Nuggets a last pet before giving Lucifer a grin.
“So. Wanna go then, Sir King Sir?” She asked. Lucifer froze for a moment. He’d been about to teleport himself straight there rather than try to navigate the halls again but…Cherri seemed nice? Kinda? Lucifer’s mind couldn’t help but conjure a headline: “Local KING Makes Merry With A Common SINNER!”
But…this sinner cared about her friend. And seemed to be a fan of pigs.
Besides, how much did Lucifer really care about what the papers said? Nothing could top the ‘Our King DOESN’T Eat Babies???’ scandal from a few decades ago, after all.
“Okay, sure.” He said, and they started on their way. Luckily the cyclops walked beside him, he hated leading the way when he was trying to have a conversation. “So you work here then?”
“Eh…Nah, not really.” Cherri admitted. “I just join in for the fun of it, ya know?”
“Ah yes the uh…the fun of Group Trust Exercises!" Lucifer said, waving his hands mystically. Cherri let out a laugh. “Come on, why are you actually coming to the staff thing?”
“I dunno I’ve been uh…thinking about joining for a little.” She admitted with a soft sigh, quickly replacing the complicated look on her face with a cocky grin. “I mean the only reason I really wanna get up is for Pentious. I like it here!” She waved her hands around in delight as Lucifer gave her a disbelieving look. “I can do whatever! Watch the world burn!” She giggled happily. “But Pen is up there.”
“The snake?”
“Yeah.”
Lucifer gave her a suggestive smirk, raising his eyebrows a few times.
“I know what snakes do to women.”
She shoved his face away.
“I just dunno if I like! Really want to be up there. Or if I just want him. I need some time to think. Ya know? But Charlie has the whole like, link to heaven? So I feel like I should still stick around.”
“You’re just not ‘redemption ready’ yet.”
"Kinda.”
They walk along in silence for a moment, and Lucifer sighed, flipping his cane absentmindedly.
“I get that.” He said understandingly. Then he paused, wondering if this was a uh…normal question to ask someone-? Ah, fuck it. “So what got you down here in the first place then?”
“Oh!” Cherri looked absolutely delighted to be asked. “Bombs!”
“Bombs.” Lucifer repeated, and could already feel himself smiling a bit.
“YES!” She replied with gusto. “Explosions! Property destruction! Love, joy, and screams of the innocent!”
Lucifer raised an eyebrow at her.
“Dying screams?”
She waved a flippant hand.
“Eh, no. Just to scare ‘em. That was never really my thing.” She gave him a grin. “It ain’t a hard kill. Ain’t classy, y'know? I like goin’ for the big guns.”
“Liiike a certain snake?”
“Yes! NO! HE’S A LOSER!” She looked at him, panicked as she shook him hard. “What is happening?”
Lucifer let himself be flung around as he chuckled, feeling looser than he had since being tortured for hours in a long while.
“Frooom what I understand?” He asked, holding the kitchen door open for her with a sweeping bow. “Love.”
Cherri paused, looking back at him. Her eye was shining, the X within it searching him carefully.
“YUCK” She declared, punching him in the arm. He snorted, rubbing it. It didn’t really hurt of course. It had nothing to do with the cyclops’ strength–Lucifer was confident she could punt him to heaven for the fun of it–but his own pain tolerance. “Disgusting! Ew! Never say that word down here, Sir King Sir Mister Bossman!”
“Goodness, what–decades in hell and you’re still scared of commitment?” Lucifer wasn’t quite sure why he fell so quickly into banter with this woman, but every aspect of her personality seemed to welcome and attract it. It was…fun.
Fun? An interaction being enjoyable? Woah. I wonder if this is a dream! Or like. Aaaaa drug induced hallucination? That would also be exciting.
“Hey. We do not say the C word around here.” She teased back.
Lucifer heard a sudden unwelcome voice, and his grin faltered slightly.
“Nor does your wife, it seems!”
He paused for a long moment, considering whether or not it was worth itttt…ah fuck it it was. He turned on one heel, placing his hands on his hips as he gave the demon his best glare.
“Excuse me?”
The demon looked at him smugly.
“Well she does seem quite scared of commitment, does she not?”
“How, exactly-” He asked, raising one hand. “-are you an authority on this, Radio Demon?” He took a step forward, cocking his head as he felt himself fill with confidence, his loose mood still lingering despite the red popsicle stick’s appearance. “Have you endured a long-term relationship?”
There was a record-screeching sound effect as Alastor was stunned for a moment. Lucifer felt himself grin as he continued to speak.
“Have you been through the ups and downs, in thick and thin, fully known a person to their unspeakable, weakest core, Alastor?” He laced his fingers behind his back. “Have you ever reconciled with someone? Reached a compromise? Heaven forbid–coummunicate?” There was a perfectly timed comedic gasp from the now-filling room.
Alastor’s smile was twitching.
“I have not.” He replied finally.
Lucifer grinned.
“Cool! Neither have I!” He giggled to himself as he abruptly turned on his heel, walked over to a counter, and sat on it with a soft ‘whoop!’, deciding to wait for his daughter to come in.