Chapter Text
“This can’t be right.”
I last said these words this morning as I realized I’d accidentally eaten expired guacamole for breakfast. Man, I need to start checking these pesky expiration dates. There’s only so much explosive diarrhea that my stomach can handle.
Chase Hollow, however, said these words as he stared down at a mysterious book he’d discovered buried in the depths of Deacon’s underwear drawer. Honestly, this thing should’ve never seen the light of day. The title, in hideous neon green letters, seemed to permanently blast into his eyes.
How to Make Out With a Girl in Five Steps (Easy Ver.)
“Dorkin, what the hell were you thinking?” he whispered to himself, reading the back cover. No, this was no ordinary book. According to the badly slapped on blue sticker label, Deacon had gone out of his way to buy the…waterproof version?
“Seriously? He bought the waterproof version?! What could you possibly need a waterproof book like this for?”
“Plot convenience, obviously,” the author responds, checking her plot summary notes. “Oh, by the way, appreciate your hair while you have it.”
“What do you mean ‘while I have it’?!” Chase reaches back to fluff up his perfect, popstar hairdo, horrified at the potential loss of his golden locks. “Also, who’s talking to me?”
“:)”
“HOW DID YOU EVEN SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!?!”
“With some fanfiction magic, you’re going to forget this whole conversation existed.” The author waves her writing wand at Chase, and the story progresses as normal.
Chase flipped back to the front of the book. Was he really about to read this?
Yes, yes he was.
By page one, he was immediately met with a full color model shoot of some random guy’s face.
Ah. It, in fact, was not some random guy. There he was: the author of this book, Chad Bradford, in all his 4'9 nightmare-inducing glory. That, along with a long list of achievements listed in the bottom right corner (though Chase wasn’t sure that eating 23 whole pickles while sitting next to a volcano counted as an achievement. Perhaps it was an achievement of defeating common sense).
“#1 Smile of the Year on…right, his own magazine. Of course. Only a psychopath would unironically call their magazine ‘The Chad, The Chadder, and The Chaddest’. Yuck.” He flipped to the second page, bracing for impact.
So, you’ve reached second base with your girl. A worthy accomplishment, I have to admit. Clearly, you have no idea how to go on, which is why you have this book. With this guide and my stellar advice, you’ll be making out with her in no time at all.
Chase didn’t know it was possible for his eyes to be assaulted by such atrocious writing.
But…wait. This could be useful. Somehow.
After all, Chase had been meaning to figure out how to kiss Buddy. Well, he’d technically already kissed him. But their last kiss had been…rather disastrous. It was pretty nuts what could happen in books.
Plus, he was tired of relying on his old Star Brigade fanfiction to figure out how to make out with his boyfriend. There were only so many more lines about “tongues battling for dominance” that he could handle. Whoever came up with the term should’ve been permanently eliminated from writing.
Fun fact, by the way. The first fic (allegedly) to ever use the term “tongues battling for dominance” was a 2001 Drarry NSFW fanfiction. The literary world has a lot to thank that author for.
Back to Chase. Well, he wasn’t bound to get any good making out advice from his favorite fifty four chaptered, vampire centered Y/N x Alistair fanfiction anyways. He’d learned that lesson long ago. Might as well give this book a shot.
Chase hesitantly turned to chapter one, unsure what to expect.
Step One: First things first: ice cream. It actually makes a really good practice tool, and you get a delicious sweet treat on top of it. It’s a win-win.
𐙚⋆°｡⋆♡
Several days later, that was how Chase Hollow found himself attempting to make out with a traumatized cone of strawberry flavored gluten-free ice cream. Key word: attempting.
The texture of ice cream reacts similarly to a kiss on human lips. You’re going to want to start by going in for a bite at the top–in contrast to real life, you’ll be aiming for your girl’s upper lip. The structure of the ice cream should provide some resistance towards your lips.
Chase held the ice cream up to his mouth, awkwardly going in for a bite at the top. So far, it didn’t really feel like kissing Buddy. Buddy didn’t wear strawberry flavored bro balm, as far as he knew. His lips felt…very cold.
No shit, Sherlock.
He angled his eyes towards the book on the floor again. Resistance against his lips? This ice cream was melting faster than he did in Buddy’s presence. He sighed internally, reading onto the next few lines.
Once you’ve achieved that bite position, carefully stick your tongue towards the center of the ice cream. But don’t go straight to the center–that’s boring. Tongue work is everything when making out. Wiggle it up and down. Lick it through sensually.
Chase shivered, and he was very sure it wasn’t because of the cold ice cream. That had been a shiver of pure disgust. Lick it through sensually?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! It’s ice cream!
Still, he gave it a shot. He stuck his tongue through the ice cream. Kind of. Sort of. If the poor ice cream could talk, it would be screaming in misery. At this point, he was just eating the ice cream with extra steps. Man, I hope Deacon doesn’t walk in on me doing this.
Unfortunately for him, the author likes to make her characters Chase Hollow, Cry and Wallow In Despair.
The door, of course, swung open.
Now, Deacon Hollow was in deep emotional distress. Not just because he couldn’t figure out the best way to memorize the anatomical structure of a heart. No, it was worse. Far worse.
“Chase, what the FUCK are you doing to that ice cream?!” Deacon screamed. His eyes were going to need a gallon of bleach to even begin attempting to forget what he’d seen. “Are you-”
“GET OUT, DORKIN!”
“I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE I NEED THE BOOKS YOU STOLE FROM ME LAST WEEK BACK!”
“WELL STEAL THEM BACK LATER! I’M BUSY!”
“CLEARLY!”
Deacon’s eyes then made the ill-fated decision to fall upon the book on the floor.
“Chase.”
“Yes, Dorkin?” Chase blinked innocently.
“Wh-where-how did you find that?” Deacon’s voice was trembling. His ears had turned a shade of red so indescribable–wait, actually, I could describe it as a tomato. A bit overused, but you get the point. Maybe his ears aren’t so indescribable after all.
Chase took the opportunity and bolted off with the book.
“HEY!!! IT ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!! GIVE IT BACK!!!” Deacon called back hopelessly, dropping to his knees in distress.
Too late. Chase had already dashed off to the attic, where he’d hurriedly picked up Silver and a random book off a pile to the side.
“Mmmmphghhmgpmgpghhghmgpphhmgphpmgph!!! Mmmpgh.” Chase swallowed the ice cream cone he’d shoved into his mouth. “Hey Silver! Sorry for the rush, but I’ve got a bit of an emergency right now. Would it be okay if I went inside a book right now?” He placed her gently on the table, setting her next to the thick, emerald book.
Silver blinked, staring curiously up at him. “What may be the emergency, dear Chase?”
Chase paused. “I…kind of stole a book from Dorkin. And if I don’t run right now, he might steal it back. And, like, I totally need this book. For, uh, purposes. Purposes that are…off limits.”
Silver sensed immediately that he needed the book for extremely homosexual purposes. She could practically see rainbow hearts spewing out of his eyes.
“Why, it seems as though your emergency is of the utmost importance. I will design an extraordinary outfit for you to impress this ‘Buddy’ fellow!”
“Wh-wha-hey! That’s not-!” But before Chase could finish his sentence, Silver curtsied at him and flashed into her key form.
“Chase. Come on. Please. Give the book back. It’s not anything, I swear.” Deacon was standing–well, wobbling at the entrance of the attic, looking paler than a diseased polar bear in a hail storm. Sweat was pouring down his head in bucketfuls.
“No.”
FLASH!
Chase was immediately sent face first into water. Ocean water, to be specific.
“Blegh.” The water was saltier than the tomato soup Deacon had cooked last week. Well, “cooked”. That “soup” was more like some sort of orange-uncooked-meat-piss concoction.
Huh. According to his shimmery, almost holographic tail, he’d chosen the Little Mermaid to jump in.
Which meant Buddy was definitely around here somewhere, roaming around like the stupidly sexy sea witch that he was.
WAIT. THE BOOK!!
Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, How to Make Out With a Girl in Five Steps (Easy Ver.) was still fully intact under his arm.
“I told you the waterproof version would come in handy,” the author whispers, unbeknownst to Chase. “Plot convenience, am I right?”
FLASH!
“Chase. Give it back. Please. I’ll do anything.” Deacon had appeared behind Chase out of nowhere, startling him into the nearest boulder.
“You should ask Bronze to do your makeup like that more. It actually looks really good,” Chase noted, ignoring Deacon’s pleas.
Well, he wasn’t lying. Bronze had apparently given him the role of Ursula’s henchman eel thing. According to the whole emo look he had going on, at least. Smoky eyeshadow, a glimmery black tail, detailed silver jewelry running down his chest, the works. He looked straight out of a Hot Topic clearance rack.
Deacon sighed. “Chase, I don’t have time for this. Just give the book back, and I’ll buy you ice cream or whatever. As long as we never speak of this again.”
Chase thought for a minute. “You said anything, right?”
“Okay, not anything anything. If you’re going to ask me to do something illegal, I’m not doing that.”
“Obviously not. Let me think.” Anything, huh? A thought suddenly smacked him in the head. “Wait, I know. You can do magic, right? Since you’re Ursula’s henchman and all.”
Deacon nodded. “I suppose.”
“Silver didn’t really have time to come up with a new hairstyle for me, since I sorta left in a rush. Here’s the deal: you magic up my hair to make me look hot even though I already am, and I’ll give you back the book and forget this all happened. Deal?”
Now, this was surprising. Deacon felt like he was getting let off the hook. “Yeah, of course.” He breathed a sigh of relief, which should’ve been a warning sign. “Just stand back.”
SHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEE!
Perfect. Everything was perfect. Silver’s outfit looked incredible, as usual. Chase felt confident. Perhaps a bit too confident. He’d gained newfound making out skills, and he was going to use them to make out with Buddy. Yes, he was going to make out with Buddy. Buddy would be kissing him in no time, especially now with his perfectly styled…hair?
Chase reached back to feel the hairstyle on his head.
Except there was one problem.
He…didn’t exactly have any.