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I am a mage. Now, that doesn't mean I can do anything impressive like see the future, shoot a fireball or fly.
I can't do magic; that's something crazy that only the greatest mages in history can do. Rather, I, and every other mage, am limited to magecraft. You can think of it as something closer to a science than magic.
Formula, symbols, magical theory— it takes years of study and practice to improve even a little bit. In truth, mages are only as good as their bloodlines, and mine is nothing worth even talking about.
Right, I think I should introduce myself. This is my own diary, but an introduction feels appropriate.
Ritsuka Fujimaru. That's my name. My whole life that has been my name. It's how I am known by everyone: my friends, my family, my classmates, my teachers.
Indeed, that is my name, yet something feels wrong, like a sense of deja vu, like people called me something else, like I had another name I can't remember.
I've been having these feelings a lot lately. Every night, I seem to dream about fantastical places and weird looking people, yet when I wake up, I can't remember any of the details.
When I look at myself in the mirror, something feels wrong. I press my fingers against my skin and pass them through my body, and it's like something is different.
I haven't changed. The way I am today is the same way I was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
Perhaps that is the issue? Perhaps I've just become aware of the fact I haven't changed, perhaps I am simply wanting change in my life. This normal, everyday life of mine— sometimes I wish I could throw it all away.
Yet, at the same time, a part of me wants to hold onto it more than anything else.
Hahah, pretty contradictory right? I don't understand it either.
—
I've been exercising more as of late. I just can't bring myself to stay still; it's not like I simply want to move my body, it's more like I need to or I will go insane. I know it's weird for a mage to focus on physical exercise— it's time that i could better use studying, and any decent mage would tell me the same— yet it feels good.
Perhaps I have just become a musclehead.
Others have been noticing the changes too. My friends have been saying there is something off about me as of lately, and it's not like I don't understand what they're talking about, but I think this is good, no? I'm already 20 years old, so i should try changing a little. I am officially an adult now, right? Is changing really that weird? It isn't, is it?
Outside of exercise, I also started reading more books. Le Morte d'Arthur, a medieval compilation of the many tales about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. The Hero With a Thousand Faces, a book analyzing mythology and the archetypal hero since the original hero, Gilgamesh. And, well... the third one is quite weird, and even I realize it.
I am reading the Bible.
I don't consider myself a religious woman. In fact, I would go as far as to call myself an atheist, yet for some reason, I decided to pick it up and read it. I ended up especially interested in the figure of King Solomon.
I wonder why Solomon, instead of the tale of David defeating Goliath, or Moses's task to build the great arc, or even Adam and Eve's original sin. Those are the tales people think about when they think of the bible, yet Solomon ended up taking most of my attention.
Mythology, heroes, history— I never took much interest in them before. The history of humanity is certainly fascinating and endless in depth, yet I never put much thought into it until now. Maybe I've just matured a little.
Hahah, as if. I still feel like a little kid reading fantasy books. Yeah, I'm still a kid, aren't I? You are not anywhere close to becoming a proper adult, is what she would tell me.
Huh? She? She who?
God, I should go to sleep. My brain is starting to malfunction, I guess.
—
Today, after class, I started crying in the middle of the hallway.
Through a miracle, I got accepted to study at the Clock Tower. I am barely qualified as a mage; in fact, my family doesn't even have a magic crest. It's kind of pathetic.
Yet, I feel like my understanding of magecraft has gotten better as of lately, even though it's not like I've been studying much or like I even care about magecraft.
Indeed, I am a poor excuse of a mage, yet I still got in. I feel kind of guilty, like I am occupying the space that should have gone to someone better, someone with better qualifications. There must be countless people better suited for this than me.
Yet for some reason, even if I don't like studying, even if I don't like magecraft, I felt like I should try, like there was something in here that I was looking for. And then it happened.
While walking through the middle of the hallway, I looked outside and I saw a girl. She was older than me and had a serious look on her face, and she had long, beautiful white hair.
And then, I started crying.
It wasn't a few tears; I started bawling my eyes out and I couldn't stop. My eyes got red, a puddle of my tears formed, I couldn't stop screaming, and I couldn't understand. No, i understood intrinsically, how could I not?
She was the reason why I came here.
Why was I crying?
Who was that girl?
Why did my chest hurt so much?
Why couldn't I stop thinking about her?
Why did I wanna run towards her?
Why do I wanna hold her hand and never let go.
Maybe this is the so called "love at first sight," hahah...
Even I realize there is something wrong with me. I don't feel like myself. I forgot something, and I can't remember what I am forgetting, but I know it was something important.
Something very important.
Something very precious to me, something I need to remember. If I don't, I will never feel like myself again.
So that's why i am writing all of this down: so that I don't forget. I don't wanna forget anything else, I can't forget it.
So let me write it one more time.
Your name is Ritsuka Fujimaru.
You are Ritsuka Fujimaru.
Don't forget it.
Don't ever forget it.
Don't ever let go of it.