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As he slowly wakes up and open his eyes, he notices two things. It's incredibly warm. Not uncomfortably so, or too hot, that he's sweating or wants to escape the warmth. The other thing: it's completely dark in the room. It takes quite a while for his eyes to adjust even slightly to the darkness. Faint outlines of a chest of drawers and a chair in one corner. He can't really place these objects; his brain, and especially his eyes, are still heavy with sleep. Everything seems so unfamiliar.
Shane tries to turn around, perhaps even sit up, to get a better look at the room, but he doesn't even get that far. An iron grip around his torso prevents him from moving even a few millimeters. He panics briefly, but for some reason, it subsides immediately when a light breeze tickles the back of his neck.
Suddenly, the memories of last night come flooding back. After a game in Boston, Ilya invited him to his penthouse. The evening passed as usual: sex, sex, and more sex.
But normally, that's where their agreement ends. After sex, they say goodbye and go their separate ways. They only see each other again at one of the next games, when they're both in the same city.
So why is he waking up here in the Raiders bed? He can only vaguely remember: Ilya disappeared into the bathroom to shower, and he stayed in bed for a little while longer. Too exhausted, and if he's honest, he didn't quite trust his muscles yet.
He must have fallen asleep while waiting. But why didn't Ilya wake him and send him away, like they always do? And why does a pleasant warmth spread through his body at the thought that Ilya came back from the bathroom into the bedroom only to find Shane asleep in his bed?
Much more important, however, is the fact that he didn't wake him up but instead got into bed with him. They don't usually do that. Their agreement was to sleep together, let off steam, and then go their separate ways. No cuddling, no feelings, nothing like that.
Once again he tries to wriggle free from under the heavy arm, but just like the first time, Ilya pulls him back against his warm, bare chest. Only now does he realize he's still naked. Ilya, on the other hand, has put on sweatpants after his shower because he can feel the soft fabric against his legs. He should be really embarrassed by this. But this is Ilya; nothing has embarrassed him in front of the big Russian for a long time now.
That's probably also why his heart grows heavier the more aware he becomes of the situation he's in. He's known for far too long that his feelings for Ilya go beyond mere friendship. Over the years, and especially through all the hookups they've had, the Russian has grown increasingly dear to him. Shane worries about him, his heart flutters whenever their eyes meet, and he feels a growing need to have Ilya all to himself. Every day, every minute.
But these feelings, and especially talking about them, would only destroy everything the two of them have here and everything they've built up over the years. So he keeps his mouth shut and locks his thoughts and feelings away in a corner of his heart. He doesn't want to lose Ilya, even though he never truly had him.
That's precisely why he needs to get out of here as quickly as possible, before Ilya wakes up and realizes what's happening. With a bit more energy, he tries again to free himself, applying more pressure. But no matter what he tries, the Russian is simply much bigger and stronger than him, even though he isn't particularly weak.
“Оставайся!“
Shane froze instantly as those words were whispered against the back of his neck. His body stiffened, but then he slowly sank back into the mattress. Ilya breathed single kisses onto his burning skin. Right now, he was glad it was pitch black in his bedroom; otherwise, his blush would be visible all over.
“Не думай об этом. Просто возвращайся ко сну, мой любимый.”
That's another thing he's keeping from Ilya. Besides his feelings, he started learning Russian after their first couple hookups. At first, he just wanted to know what insults Ilya was hurling at him. But as he got good at Russian, he realized Ilya was using it to voice his thoughts aloud without Shane understanding them. Unfortunately, Shane understood them all and repeated them silently over and over again.
He won’t tell Ilya that he understands him. Especially after all this time. Ilya probably just spoke in Russian because he is still half asleep and didn't really notice he is speaking with this deep voice Shane loves so much.
A small tear rolls down his cheek. His body goes stiff again. Ilya, behind him, seems to sense in his half-asleep state that something has changed and turns Shane over with one hand so that his face collides with Ilya's bare chest. Ilya rolls onto his back, pulls him with him, and positions Shane on top of his body.
Shane surrenders completely to Ilya; he knows exactly what Shane needs. As always. As soon as the two find a comfortable position together, Ilya's arms are wrapped around Shane's body again. Feather-light kisses dance across Shane's face, kissing away his worries and tears, grounding him.
“Go back to sleep. Don’t worry too much. Is okay, yes? Sleep, мой любимый.”
Shane buried his face in the crook of Ilya's neck, breathed a soft kiss onto the smooth skin, and then lowered himself even further onto Ilya. His arms pulled him closer, and Ilya exhaled noisily.
He wishes he would never wake up again, to live forever in the Russian's arms, to become one with him. But he knows that won't happen. Whatever brought them to this situation will be over in a few hours, and each will go their separate ways again. They can't be together, no matter what. They're both living the wrong lives for that.
But there are still a few hours until dawn, and Shane will do everything possible to make the most of that time. If his heart breaks, let it be in the arms of the one who caused it.