Chapter Text
Tyler sat in his and Josh’s room, staring lifelessly at his reflection. When he looked in the mirror, the man looking back at him didn’t seem like it was the same person; the man looking back was loved, a world famous singer. Someone that people respected and looked up to. The man in the mirror was the same as the one looking back at him on the other side, but they were such different people – if anyone saw the man on the other side, they would never believe it was the same person.
The man on the other side of the mirror – the Tyler people didn’t see – was wishing he would just die at an given moment. He had been trying his best to hide how bad it had all gotten, even to his husband. How could he admit that he had spent so long trying to get people out of suicide when that was now all he wanted for himself? He felt like a hypocrite, like he had failed everyone who loved him.
His husband, Josh, was out for a walk, which was normal in the morning. He liked being out of the house when they were on a break from tour. He said it made him feel more human. Every time, he asked Tyler if he would come with him, but he was the opposite – he was so miserable that nothing would make him feel human, so he saw no point in trying anything. When he was alone, that was the only time he could properly feel everything. He didn’t have to hide anything.
Tyler stood up slowly; his headache, one he didn’t notice he had until that moment, was killing him, and he couldn’t move too quickly without it getting worse. He pulled up his sleeves and looked down at his scar covered wrists. He hadn’t wanted to die again until a few months before. He had always been depressed, but he didn’t know why he was feeling so bad again. He hadn’t been this bad since… years ago. Cutting himself never made it any easier, but he could never stop it from happening. He had always heard that it was the only thing that made the pain go away, even momentarily, and he had never believed it. He always thought it made it worse, if anything.
Having not left the house for a few days, Tyler felt very co-dependent – he hadn’t been helping with cooking, cleaning, anything. He felt awful that he was forcing it all upon Josh, who was already struggling enough himself. Josh insisted that it wasn’t a problem, but Tyler still couldn’t help but feel guilty. He knew Josh was a people pleaser, and was probably only saying it because he was too polite to ask for help. Tyler loved Josh, but he hated that about him.
Tyler had to drag his hand across the wall to keep himself from falling, and to keep himself moving in the right direction. He felt the urge to faint as his headache grew worse, but he fought against it as he made his way into the kitchen to have some water. His ringing ears blocked the sound of Josh opening the front door and calling, ‘I’m back!’
Tears fell down Tyler’s face as he fell to his knees, too exhausted to keep himself on his feet. As he looked across the kitchen, he noticed an open cupboard. The cupboard with all of his and Josh’s medication. He didn’t stop to think why it was open as he slowly dragged himself over to it. From then on, he had no control over his body. He was simply just moving.
And as he slowly fell unconscious from having one too many pills, he couldn’t hear Josh crying for him to stay alive, and he took a faint breath as Josh heard the ambulance siren coming up the road.