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Bzz bzz bzz bzzzzz….
Cicadas are out, I’ll never forget that haunting sound. The sound signifying summer’s arrival. It rings in my ear like a never ending siren. A warning, a sign. I don’t need that reminder.
Each waking day, I dread every time the weeks come near; summer break. At the very least I can rot in my bed, dissolve into my futon like I never existed. I can finally catch a break from school but I can never breathe. I stare at the ceiling, then the door; waiting for something that will never happen. It’s suffocating.
Usually, a certain white haired idiot would barge in and drag me by foot and outside by now. His grip was surprisingly gentle; a kind hand that handled things roughly. If not that, we’d probably reread the first volume of Master X Master or just gush about the latest chapter. Now, my volumes just sit there on the shelf, collecting dust. I don’t feel like reading anytime soon.
…
I open my phone to nothing. No notifications, seems like everyone has their own life. I wonder what Asako and Yuuki are doing. I feel bored. Saturdays used to be fun, I miss old Saturdays.
I looked behind me only to squint at how bright the window was; a hand shielding my eyes out of instinct. It was a hot day, the only thing saving me from a heatstroke being the fan that spun 180˚ degrees around. Unfortunately, it’s just barely cooling and the spinning blades sometimes jam, making it so that I have to smack it every once in a while. Stare a little while longer into it and I might get hypnotized, or develop a migraine. I hate summer.
…
An unknown force, something within me wants to drag me out. Outside of this house, where the town is. The small, quiet, and rural town. Did Hikaru possess me? There’s nothing to do there anyway, why would I? Though I guess it’s better than this. This quiet desperation is not ideal for my weekend.
Finally, I decided to get up and take a step out of my room. For a second, my knees felt wobbly. Maybe rotting in my bed actually did something. What am I doing? Whatever it is, I guess there’s no turning back now. I could, but… I don’t know anymore.
”Mom, I’m headin’ to town.”
A bold move for me. My mom turned to me with a confused look. I don’t blame her, I’m wondering the same thing. “How come? Do you need anything?” “No, I just… wanna go out for a short walk around.” A pause before my mom returned to settling the plates on the dish rack. “Alright then, stay safe—Oh and can you also pick up some milk, eggs, and cereal on the way?” I wasn’t planning on bringing money but okay. “Alright, ma.” I then went back upstairs to get my wallet and quickly headed out.
Opening the front door, I was greeted by the sun almost blinding my eyes. It was not a welcoming sight—or whatever sight I had left. Typically, I’d see a grey-eyed doofus waiting for me at the other side, and sometimes I can still see a faint outline whenever I open the door. He looks perfect. This could be a sign of my mind going insane but I try not to think about it. I don’t need that reminder.
Walking down the empty streets, I took a moment to breathe in the fresh air. An exhale later and I’m disappointed. Was it refreshing? Not as much as I hoped it would be but it’s good enough. It’s weird walking alone without someone else yapping into my ear; silence where his voice should be.
The town was fairly quiet except for the few kids running around. Kibogayama was nicer this way. Not too loud yet not too lonely. Passing the trees and houses, I see the usual stall Hikaru and I would usually buy from. Pork cutlets were his favourite. I wouldn’t need to buy anything for him anymore though.
A few steps later I passed Casual Diner America. A very straightforward name, I suppose it gets the point across. They have nice parfaits, though I don’t have the appetite. It’s been a while since I’ve actually eaten there on my own accord, or eateries in general. There’s not much to it when you eat alone.
Nozomi Supermarket was nearing so I mentally listed whatever my mom told me to buy. I grabbed a basket and started the search for the groceries I was tasked to find. At least now I have a reason to be out. I don't really know what else to do afterwards. After everything was in the basket, I went and passed the fruit aisle.
…
Watermelons were his favourite. Hikaru used to try eating a slice ‘manga style,’ only to make a total mess of his face and the floor. He wanted to try shooting out the seeds like a machine gun. I also remember we’d panic whenever we accidentally swallowed the seeds, something about turning into watermelon men. We were idiots.
I quickly head over to the cashier, wanting to just get out of there and back home.
“Well if it ain’t the Tsujinakas’ boy! Is yer little sister doin’ alright? She ain’t got no pep in her step like she used to, but guess everyone’s got somethin goin on in their lives. That reminds me of Yamazaki's boy. Heard he’s been havin trouble gettin up in the mornin. Poor boy skipped school for a few days and his parents are still tryna get em up. Ah right, have you been well, boy? Everyone’s worried since yer parents’ argue so late in the night. Must be a lot for ya huh, Yoshiki? I’m here if ya need a talk, I mean—these days‘ve been gettin longer ‘n all. It’s hard to keep track of time and I get how things can get overwhelmin’ especially with yer life. Oh and Yoshiki, are those bangs of yours blindin? They’re practically like sunglasses to yer eyes. You should cut em sometime soon…”
Whatever word comes out of her mouth is automatically in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to hear it. Does a recital of all of life’s problems come with the receipt? I can’t do this. I want to go home—
“That’ll be 860 yen.” A hand extended towards me, snapping me out of my daze.”Ah—uh—Right.” I, then, paid for the items, grabbing the change out of her hands before making my way out. Finally, I survived that interaction.
…
As I’m walking, my legs are starting to feel the weight of myself and the grocery bag. Maybe I should’ve taken my bike out. It’s a miracle I managed to walk all the way here in the first place. I pass a few metal fences guarding the crops near the surrounding houses; the dry dirt road under me feathering dust behind as my feet scrape past it. Walking for this long really gave me time to think and rethink everything. I just wish my mind would stop filling the void with thoughts I don’t like thinking about.
There’s no one beside me, no one to listen to or distract me. No silly face to turn and make fun of when I look to my side. The constant humming of cicadas are starting to cause fatigue, won't they just shut up? Everything is so loud.
Heavy... My chest— my stomach— I feel sick.
I need a distraction, I need some peace. I need—
Bzz bzzz bzz bzz bzzz…
Bzz bzz bzz...
Bzzz...
…
…
I feel melancholy, slowly washing over me. A different kind of melancholy. The kind where it rings in my ear and the world goes silent. The kind where I have to stop and sit down on a nearby bench to gather myself. Something creeps within my psyche; a preying sadness.
I don’t like getting overly attached to things that will eventually disappear. Missing hurts, I hate pain and Hikaru… you’ve caused me so much of it. Everything I see returns to you somehow. I can’t forgive you, though I’d never say it to your face. The heat is killing me. This is killing me.
I can’t take this anymore. My vision gets blurrier whilst everything else goes static. God I’m such a pathetic crybaby. I can’t even go grocery shopping without breaking down. I can’t even accept the simple reality. This very road I stare down, his steps no longer remain, his presence gone.
The air around me is stifling. Sweat beads drip from my face, unsuccessfully disguising the tears that followed. It feels like I’m choking on my own sobs, this lump in my chest pounding ever so loudly. I can't live like this. I hate this.
I hate summer. I hate his snaggletoothed smile. I hate his crooked teeth. I hate his knobby knees. I hate his messy white hair. I hate his silly face. I hate how his decisions led him into those mountains. I hate how it killedhim.
…
Something suddenly landed on the back of my hand. I jumped at the sensation, snapping myself out of whatever that was. It was just a summer darter. The red dragonfly flew away only to come back and rest on my head. I, then, swept my bangs away from my face and wiped my eyes. I guess I startled it as I could only watch as the darter flew away. That's all I could do. Sit and watch as it disappeared into the trees, never to be seen again.
…
Hikaru and I used to catch those darters and make a wish before releasing them. I am now cursed by that memory—all our memories. Was it too late for one last wish? There’s so much regret, but that won’t stop me from hoping.
I wish to go back to then. When we were just dumb kids with no one else; our world revolved around each other because that’s all we knew. When your face was still clean, untouched by the dirt that would soon bury you with. When you were still full of life, when I could feel warmth, your warmth. And I never saw you cry, maybe because I cried harder but regardless, I want to see—to feel your emotions. To know how you really felt about me; how you feel about yourself. No matter what shape or form, I wish to see you—to be with you again, Hikaru.