Work Text:
“Remember when–” Kris started as he put his bottle down, the glass clinking gently against the glossed wood of the porch swing– “there was an abandoned house there? I can’t believe they wrecked the best smoking spot around.”
His tone was light, almost careful, and something in his eyes made him seem guarded in the same way that his arm was tucked in close to his side, leaving a few healthy inches between them. Meanwhile, Jan, whose beer bottle was forgotten somewhere on the grass, tipped against the leg of the support beams so it wouldn’t spill, was too busy biting the inside of his lip to really pay attention. The scattered thoughts were almost visible, but Kris chose not to dwell on how his best friend was barely present or how he was picking at his nails again, a habit he swore he’d outgrown by now.
A few seconds later though, Jan tilted his head up slightly, looking forward and past the yard fence where Kris had mentioned. “Huh?” His brain took slightly longer to process the question, even though he could visualise it; the old and decrepit building they’d used to break into as dumb teens with friends to smoke and chat for hours. It was gone now, replaced by a neat lawn and proper fencing around the plot of land, with a big for sale sign facing the road. “Oh. Uh, yeah,” Jan finally mumbled, and attempted a smile, though it quickly faded.
Something in the air between them was heavy, even though the day had been rainy and the freshness of the summer air usually served to wash away insecurities in its soothing crispness. As nostalgic as Kris was for evenings like this, where it could be just him and Jan, surrounded by crickets and unfiltered thoughts, the quiet made him anxious to such an extent that he felt dizzy.
He knew Jan wasn’t well. That was why they were here. Kris had driven to Jan’s after a quick chat with his brother and had picked him up under the pretense of catching up, which checked out because Jan hadn’t been replying to any message or call for the past few days. That was why neither of them was speaking, and why the humidity left on every surface outside from the brisk summer shower felt suffocating rather than refreshing.
God damnit.
Kris couldn’t understand why Jan just wouldn’t speak; if anything, Kris was the complete opposite. Maybe that was why he and Bojan could argue and make each other cry and break up then get back together in the span of forty minutes, while Jan moped around for at least a week before he would regain any semblance of energy. For fuck’s sake, he’d just gotten quieter over the years, and there was no breaking past the iron shield Jan would put up around him to completely separate himself from society at large. At least when they were little, he’d complain or rant about what was bothering him.
It seemed like now he didn’t even know what was making him so upset. But it got worse each time and Kris felt like the worst person on the planet for not knowing how to help his best friend. And if it felt so bad for him, he couldn’t imagine how hopeless Jan felt.
But how do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
Kris would undoubtedly be there for Jan, no matter what, even if just to pick up the pieces and hug him tight. But pieces multiply, and shatter further into fine sand, and they get lost. What do you do with fragile objects when you know you’re going to drop them over and over and over again? And then what do you do with the remains of what you knew was so beautiful but now is fragmented, lost and clumsily put back together?
He brought the bottle up to his lips again and took a long sip of the bitter beverage that had foamed up from how much he was moving his hand around, finishing it off. No, Kris couldn’t ignore the problem at hand, but he could try to let go of some of his worries, at least for the moment. He didn’t want to push too hard. Cheap beer was easier on his system than another existential crisis, anyway.
“I love you, man,” Kris whispered, not expecting a reply because a reminder never hurt.
Jan finally turned his head to look at his best friend, his lifeline. He swallowed hard, through the knot that had only tightened in his throat with every word or sentence he either forced out or thought too much about. It didn’t take long for his gaze to drift away from Kris’ face, though. Jan could barely stand to see him upset in general, but knowing he dimmed the light in his favourite person’s eyes again tore him apart from the inside. The knot was tied so tight it hurt to breathe too hard and no amount of swallowing around nothing or breathing exercises would help loosen it, not with the picture of Kris’ sad-disappointed face freshly burnt onto his retinas.
His hands let go of one another and he let his arms fall from around his legs, which were both tucked close to his chest but with only his heels digging into one of the planks of the porch swing. Tentatively, with his eyes still on the ground before them, he leaned into Kris’ side. Jan’s way of saying I love you too even when he felt like his vocal cords were entirely out of commission.
Someday soon he would actually say it out loud without thinking twice about it. Maybe just that small gesture was enough for now. For Kris, it was.