Chapter Text
Robin spent the first few months of college alone, apart from her daily phone call with Steve.
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In the interim between everything that went down in November 1987 and starting her Freshman year of College in August 1988, Robin and Vickie had split up following a (kind of pathetic, non shouty, lots of crying) argument during which they both described the other as overbearing. It is not surprising that after everything they had been through together they had become fiercely protective of each other. However in the end, with the prospect of long distance when Robin moved to college hanging over them too, it just became too much. Robin was still not over it 5 months later when she finally moved away from Hawkins to study at Smith College in Massachusetts. It wasn’t exactly “operation croissant” like she had planned many years before, but she was still excited to leave.
Steve, with Dustin and Will tagging along for the ride, drove Robin the 20+ hour journey there because she still hadn’t learnt to drive. Dustin followed Steve everywhere, that wasn’t new, but Will was. He had become somewhat clingy to Robin since they confided in each other but she didn’t really mind. There were many tears shed when it came time for the 3 boys to head back home but Robin was holding on to the promise Steve had made to call her everyday, and that promise was never ever broken.
It didn’t take long for Robin to feel different to everyone else she met at Smith. It also didn’t take everyone else long to realise Robin was different. Her unique personality stood out but at the same the same time pushed her right in to a corner. No one particularly wanted to even acknowledge her existence let alone be her friend. She didn’t think it was entirely based on the way she physically presented herself and how it made her more of an obvious queer person, because she specifically chose Smith College for how progressive it was, so she could he herself without fear. She assumed it must have been more so related to her social and emotional presentation, which Robin will be the first to admit, is atypical of most 20 year olds. However that, mixed with her clear non conforming physical appearance, was a not a good combination apparently and led Robin to begin to doubt every part of herself. Steve tried, on many occasions, to encourage her to join some extra curricular groups but Robin couldn’t - she was far too anxious. Instead she spent the majority of her free time roaming the streets of Northampton. Walking helped clear her mind, and it was a pretty enough area to get lost in. It didn’t take long for Robin to become equated with the town. She had favourite walking spots, cafes, shops and even found the perfect crying spot. One place in particular she frequented was a quaint bar called Mermaid’s. It opened at 12pm every day, served the fanciest coffee Robin had ever tasted, and was isolatingly quiet until the Seniors would pour in at around 5 each evening. It was the perfect hiding spot from the rain (and heat because heat also made Robin feel icky).
One day in early November, Robin was walking back from a coffee filled walk when she was hit with a gruelling feeling. It was nearly an entire year since everything had “ended and gone back to normal” - an entire year since they saved the world and killed Vecna and saved the kids and… Eleven died. Robin thought back to the first time she saw El. It was a mid summer's day when she and Steve were working at Scoops Ahoy. Robin spent most of that summer serving ice cream and helping Steve smuggle his strange children friends through the back of the shop so they could sneak into the cinema without a ticket. On this day though, the day she met El, things were different. She heard Steve say “are you even allowed to be here?” and remembers glancing around to see another child friend of Steve’s stood there, one she hadn’t seen before. She thought nothing of it, just another friend, and went back to helping Dustin (who at the time was also just another new child friend of Steve’s she had only just met) work out a Russian code he had picked up over his radio. Oh how wrong she was and oh how that choice to help, just because she was bored, changed everything. Robin had never understood Steve and his 6 random children, but now she understood more than ever. The feeling lingered for too long and sent her into an overthinking spiral. She used to be somewhat grateful for her choice to help solve the Russian code because it gave her the most incredible friends. She finally felt accepted, wanted, needed and that was good even if the consequences were being kidnapped by evil Russians, fighting monsters, discovering people can have some crazy powers and finding alternate dimensions. When Eddie died Robin went through a phase of hating herself for the fact she was grateful to be involved with this strange group of people, so she spent months feeling extreme guilt instead. This guilt, and the fear it travelled with, was now back but back at a much more intense level.
She didn’t want to be alone anymore. This was her first thought. Because who, realistically, wants to be alone after what she had been through. She had accidentally stopped walking whilst her mind was whirling but soon snapped back to reality with a chill. She had been standing outside thinking for far too long, the tips of her fingers were numb and tingly, so she quickly headed into the first building she came across. It ended up being a girly, glitzy, fancy clothes shop - very different from the usual thrift stores she visited. Whilst walking around, trying to warm up, Robin came up with an idea. It wasn’t a good idea, more of a “I'm sad so I am going to make a silly decision” kind of idea but it felt like the only option she had at the time. She picked up an array of feminine clothes, shoes and accessories before heading home feeling warmer on the outside however much colder on the inside than she had ever felt before. It was an emptiness. A loss of spark.