Chapter Text
It has only been a few months since the Avengers was founded, after the first war, the team has decided Steve Rogers is fitted to be their leader. His leading skills were shown during their missions together and during fights, he was able to stay calm and lead the team to victory.
These victories brings them closer together as they would celebrate together in Stark Tower afterwards. Despite they all gathered together to have fun, Steve found that they all acted weird beside him. Every time when they’re around him, the teams acts very formal and polite; even though Steve doesn’t mind it, he finds it weird.
The team would call him ‘cap’ all the time, even though he insisted them to call him by his first name. At first, he only though they treated it as a nickname for him; though that thought was clearly erased once he realised everyone was called by their given name.
Steve understood he’s an outcast in this newly found team, but he tried his best to show everyone who he was. He would crack jokes and even hang out with them to try and get a grasp of this new world he’s forced to be in. However, nothing works as they still treated him as superior and the ‘captain’ of their team.
Steve is so very tired of being treated as different, they’re all humans so why should he be treated differently? He didn’t understand. He also didn’t understand why they all think he’s invincible, as if nothing could possibly break him. Conversation like these always hangs in the air, never leaving.
Today, it’s another success to their mission. Tony suggested they go have a party in his tower, he’ll bring pizza and alcohol for them to enjoy. It makes sense since it’s a risky mission because they had to raid a HYDRA base.
“So anyone coming?” Tony asked as they all sat in the jet, flying back to their base.
“Don’t mind me joining, metal man.” Thor announced, slapping onto Tony’s back.
“Count me in.” Natasha added, “I require some alcohol in my system, it’s been too long.” Bruce is beside her helping to bandage up her wound on her arm.
“Yeah. I don’t think that’s suggested as a doctor.” Bruce replied softly, “but I can let it slide this time, I believe everyone have to burn off some steam.”
“That’s what we’re talking about!” Tony smirked, “Clint, you crashing?”
“Who you think I am to pass on such invitation?” He said, head leaning back with his eyes shut, “This mission is too stressful.”
“I will join too.” Steve smiles, “I believe we all deserve to celebrate after such risky job.”
After he said this, he felt the room’s air freezing. Looking around, he could see the slight disappointment in Tony’s face, as well as Clint and Natasha despite being unable to see their faces fully; he can sense it.
“Oh! Yes of course, Captain!” Thor exclaimed, looking genuinely happy, “I shall have a beer or two with you, you’re the only one who could match me!”
“Yeah…” Tony added awkwardly, “We’re glad you would join us too cap.”
Natasha and Clint both nodded and smiling politely.
“Well.” Bruce interrupted, “Before you all go partying like crazy, please let me check your conditions first. You all got some nasty hits, especially you, captain.”
“Right. Of course.” Steve smiles, ignoring the clutch in his heart.
Steve stays silent through out the whole trip while others had conversations amongst themselves. All Steve could replay was the disappointment he sees among his teammates after knowing he’ll be attending their party as well. He understands he might be boring from time to time, and how unmatched their conversation styles were. He was from the 40s after all. Despite him wanting to have fun with them as well, he was debating whether he should join or not. They seem to have much more fun without him these days. He noticed.
Steve would be lying if he said it didn’t affect him. He tried his best to understand their jokes and phrases, but they seems to not want him included in general. It tears at his heart little by little each time they show that disgust and disappointed expression towards him.
They soon arrived the Avengers station, where Bruce checked each of them for unseen conditions and requires medical attention. Thankfully, none of the teammates suffered from any form of injuries that’s deadly; they mostly have scratches or bruises littering their body.
After checking, Steve found it a perfect moment to speak up.
“Hey guys.” Steve starts, drawing everyone’s attention. “I think I’ll have to skip tonight’s party; I apologise for the rain check.”
“No no!” Tony replies with a little too much enthusiasm, “It’s totally fine, cap! We’re still enjoy ourselves, so please do rest and take the day off. Am I right, gang?”
Everyone nodded, though Steve could see the disappointment in Thor’s eyes, knowing his drinking buddy will no longer participate.
“Don’t mind me asking, what for, captain?” Thor spoke up.
“Oh.” Steve was taken aback, he never thought they would ask; therefore, he quickly conjured up a fake lie. “Well- I’m tired, and I realised I should just sleep in for the day. I also promised to meet Sam early tomorrow, so it’s best I skip. I’ve forgotten it until now.”
Steve hoped his lying skills are still intact despite his teammates told him multiple times his lying skills are awful. Luck might be on his side tonight or his teammates just didn’t care.
“Alright.” Thor replied understandingly, “I understand a warrior also requires rest. My brother in war all had to rest a lot after a war, take care captain.”
“You too.” Steve smiles, “Have fun.”
The moment he walked away for quite a distance, he could hear the team talking. Due to the serum, he got super hearings.
“Phew!” Tony spoke first, “I legit thought he’s gonna join us. He’ll be such a party boomer.”
That caused Steve to hide and eavesdrop them, those words that came out of Tony’s mouth stung.
“Don’t be so mean, Tony.” Bruce argues, “I know captain is not from out century and acts slightly differently, but he’s trying his best despite it failing.”
Ok, he gets it. He’s trying his best already.
“But I agree with Tony.” Clint adds on, “He really kills the fun sometimes, not being mean or rude, just stating the truth.”
“Agreed.” Natasha also said, not skipping a beat.
“But captain’s fun, he drinks with me when you guys couldn’t.” Thor points out.
“Yeah, no.” Tony counters, “Didn’t you realise you couldn’t’ open up in front of him? Every time he’s there, well, need I say more? Vibe killing is what he is.”
“Now that’s out of line, Tony. Even for you.” Bruce deadpans, “You know fully well Captain is different. He’s not from around here, you can’t expect him to fit in right away.”
“Come on, big guy!” Tony whines, “You too also couldn’t relax with him around all the time! Remember when we had shawarma after the war, he literally just sat there without taking a bite! Even though we were all tired, it’s still clear he’s always the odd one out. Face it, he’ll never fit in.”
Steve knew words hurt, but when it comes out of those that he sees as family, it just hits another level. His fist tightens, eyes stinging. He didn’t know his team found him being uncomfortable to around with, even when he clearly showed no hostility towards them; he even urges them to open up to him!
He couldn’t’ listen to their conversations anymore, he walked away and headed towards his headquarters in the Stark Tower, which was offered by Tony because he took pity on his condition. Now he thought about it, it might never have been because they cared, more like they are forced to do it because he’s, their captain.
“Welcome back, Steve.” JARVIS greeted him.
“Hello, JARVIS.” Steve replies.
“Is there anything I could help you with today?” the ai asked politely.
“Everything’s good, but thank you.” Rogers smiles, looking into the empty room.
“No worries, Steve. There’re ingredients inside the fridge, everything was bought as you ordered, fresh and healthy.”
“Thank you, JARVIS.” Steve takes off his shoes, and changed out of his dirty uniform, ready to shower. “Also, can you please ignore anything that’s wrong, and not report anything of my condition to anyone, please? Ah, no monitoring too.”
“As you wish, Steve.” The ai replies quickly, but soon adds on with a concerned voice, “However, I will inform Mister Stark if there were to be life threatening conditions detected. Please tell me if you want anything else.”
“Thank you once again, JARVIS.” Steve replies softly, “Sometimes I feel like you know me more than my teammates.”
“No problem, and that’s normal. I’m an Ai who takes in and stores information about everyone.” The male voices ensured.
“I know.” Steve laughed, “I’ll head for the shower now, I shall call you when I require your assistance.”
“You’re every welcomed, Steve. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
With that, Steve was left alone once again to rethink the day. Truthfully speaking, he didn’t want to be disturbed as he felt like he’s about to crash out. Emotionally.
Steve doesn’t normally have breakdowns, but during his current state, where he had no one to talk to, he cannot hold onto it anymore.
Hot water streams down on him, the whole room fogging up. The water was boiling, but he didn’t care; his skin turned red very soon and it started to hurt. But he didn’t care. He couldn’t care less.
He didn’t know how long he stayed inside, mind blank. Conversations replying in his mind, remembering every little signs he noticed of his team disliking his presence. Memories now flooding his brain, unable to shake away the emptiness he felt. He thought they were friends, family even. He had no one. They gave were the ones who gave him purpose and a home…
“Steve.” JARVIS’s voice cuts through the air, reaching Steve’s ears. “Mister Tony requires your presence in the common area.”
“Tell him I’m asleep.” Steve replies, voice soft and lack of feeling.
“Understood.”
After a long while, Steve finally stepped outside of the bathroom, he only wore a t-shirt and his boxers. Quickly, he flopped onto his bed. That’s when he finally broke.
Tears started to stream down his face, he tried to wipe them away, but it’s impossible. New waves over waves of tears falling nonstop, he tried to calm himself by wrapping himself into the blanket, but it didn’t work. He whimpers and pressed his face into the duvet, breathing shallowly.
He thought about his past life. Life when everything’s familiar to him, when there’s Bucky and Peggy to love him. Despite the cruelty of war, it felt warmer, he felt loved and cared for. He tucks himself tighter into a ball and grabbing onto the blanket. Tears streaming non-stop. Breathing still uneven and short. Mind wandering to familiar faces and memories they had together.
He remembers how Bucky would tease him, how Peggy would judge him. Similar to the Avengers, but one difference was – they loved him. They never mean anything they said, they’ve showed it through action multiple times.
Soon, the crying tires him down leading him to sleep. His mind drifted to Bucky as he fell asleep, hoping to see him in his dream, a happy dream.
---------- cut ----------
Meanwhile, the Avengers were having the time of their life partying. Drinking and playing games, enjoying good food and having conversations. No one remembers about Captain until Thor spoke up.
“Anyone goanna check up on Captain? I know he said he didn’t want to join, but I think it’s better to check up on him.”
“For what?” Tony questions, “Big guy over there checked him over, no injuries. He’s as fine as wine.”
“Humm… but I have a bad feeling.” The god replies, showing his concern over his captain.
“Fine.” Tony sighs, “JARVIS check up on out dear capsicle.”
“Mister Rogers requested to not be bothered, Mister Stark.” His ai replies smoothly.
“Override it.” Tony drank from his glass, “Ask him to join us since our God wants to see him.”
“No problem, Mister Stark, I shall ask for his permission.”
Not even one minute later, JARVIS spoke up.
“Mister Stark, Mister Rogers is currently asleep. Therefore, he is unable to join your party.”
Tony raised an eyebrow at Thor, “See, Cap is good and well. He’s asleep.”
“Ah… Well, that’s a shame then.” Thor lips pressed into a line, “But I still felt uneasy, I wonder why.”
“You ned to drink more then!” Clint exclaimed, “Another round!”
Everyone cheered and has forgotten about their previous conversations, all having the best time together ever.
However, they were bound to talk about the Captain in their group, because, they’re human, they gossip.
“Hey, Tony.” Bruce said, “Why do you dislike captain so much? I’m merely curious.”
“Hum?” Tony turns to look at Bruce, “What do you mean? Like why I held multiple gatherings without him? That man’s ancient, he doesn’t know how to have fun like us.”
“Well…” Natasha joins into their conversation, “That I agree and disagree.”
“I’m not so sure about our captain being… what you say? Ancient.” Thor sits on the couch, still enjoying his drink, “I’m ancient too, you see. I’m over 1000 years old! Been doing fine.”
“You don’t count.” Tony rolls his eyes, “It’s not like your brain sudden stopped functioning to take in new information, cap over there doesn’t even know how electricity works!”
“I do not understand ‘electricity’ as well, what is that anyways?” Thor looks confused.
“As I said.” Tony stressed, “You don’t count.”
“Why though.” Clint questions, finally inserting himself, “I mean… I understand the frustration of captain not fitting in with how our minds work. But shouldn’t we help him?”
“You agreed on excluding him.” Natasha reminded.
“Yeah… it’s probably the alcohol speaking.” Hawkeye sighs, “I pity him.”
“Right.” Tony adds slowly, “But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s boring to be around with. It’s like talking to an iceman, or a caveman.”
“Tony!” Bruce exclaims.
“What?” Tony stares, “Too much?”
“Yes!” Bruce took a big gulp of his drink, “Imagine waking up in a world where no one knows you, no home, no friends. I think you’ll go mad. Especially when not being in your own timeline.”
“That… “Tony stayed silent.
“You’ve never considered this fact?” Natasha questioned.
“… No.” The ironman sighs, dragging his fingers down his face. “And, can we talk about something else instead? This is killing the vibe.”
“Why does talking about our great captain has to do with killing a vibe? Who’s that.” Thor looks very confused.
“You too, have a lot to learn.” Tony replied.
They all ended up crashing in the common area, foods and drinks lying around with the avengers in a drunken mess. They all slept on top of each other, hands and feet mingled together.
---------- cut ----------
Steve woke up with start, shot straight up to a sitting position with his body sweating and hyperventilating once again. He looks at his hands, shaken. The dream was vivid.
The HYDRA raid took a toll on him, caused him to form a sick and wicked dream. His hands bloody, Bucky lying motionlessly in front of him. The blood soaking the snow underneath, painting it crimson red. It was snowing, a pretty scenery, a great contrast to the events playing out before his eyes. He was shaking, slowly approaching the body, the body that was his best friend. No pulse, no breathing, no nothing. Steve cried, trying to wake him up, begging him to open his eyes and tell him everything is fine. But nothing. Everything was silent around him, only his breathing was to be heard.
‘It was a dream’, Steve told himself repeatedly, the guilt of failing his friend and witnessing his death had him struggling to breathe. He grasps his chest, crinkling the fabric as he tries desperately to breathe, to regain control. He is sweating and shaking, eyes unfocused. All he saw was that imagine his brain conjured for him to witness.
It took Steve multiple sets of deep breathing and patience to finally break himself free from the panic attack.
He looked around and checks the clock, it reads ‘5:30 a.m.’ . Putting his head into his palm, he’s glad he slept for more than five hours this time. Today was the first time to sleep this much, but for what cause?
He stood up and got ready for the day. He took a hot shower, did his typical hygiene routine and went into his kitchen.
“Morning, Steve.” JARVIS greeted.
“Morning, Jarvis.” Steve returns, “Any plans for today from SHEILD?”
“Negative.” JARVIS softly replies, “There’s no plan from anyone in your schedule. I suggest you to take the day off and relax. I can sense you’re in distress; it’s suggested for you to do what you enjoy to relieve such feelings.”
“Thank you, Jarvis.” Steve opens the fridge to take out ingredients, “I will do just that.”
“You’re welcomed.” The ai responds, “Please let me know if you are in need of assistance.”
Steve thought about cooking his ma’s recipe, a homemade soup. It’s very simple to boil, during the war time, there’s not much ingredients they could get their hands on. Therefore, they would use the main ingredients and pair it with other food they could get their hands on. It’s not perfect, but now, Steve would cook it to perfection with all the fresh ingredients.
It's very calming for him. Listening to the music list given by Sam, everything dated back to his age of days. He would hum to the music and sometimes dace around too, depending on the tune.
He chops the vegetables, prepares the meat and boils the water. All while he dances to the music. He’s grateful that Stark gave him his own level, and grants privacy as it requires access from Steve himself for others to enter. Though Stark could easily override it since JARVIS was created by him, but the Ai would first notify him beforehand.
“Jarvis?” Steve spoke above the music.
“Yes, Steve? How can I help.” The music lowered its volume automatically as the polite tone sounds.
“Can you set a timer for one hour and notify me around the 20-minute mark, please?” Steve stirs the pot, slowly adding in the copped up vegs.
“Of course, the timer starts now.” JARVIS obeys the order.
“Thank you.” Steve smiles softly while looking up to the celling, it’s as if JARVIS was there.
“You’re welcomed, Steve.” The male voice replied and the music continues to softly fill up the room.
Without another word, Steve ordered the tiny robots stationed on his floor to help me stir the soup until the time is up. The captain did feel bad for having them to do all the labour work, but the bots ensured they do not feel any emotions and are willing to serve him.
The moment he left to grab his art supplies, JARVIS’s voice rings in the air again.
“Steve.” He said, “Mister Stark would like to see you. He’s heading up now.”
“Ah.” Steve stops in his track, “Alright. Thank you for notifying me.”
“No problem, Steve.” JARVIS replied, but hesitantly asks, “Do you wish for me to call you Steve or Mr. Rogers when Mister Stark arrives. You’ve said this name calling stays between us and on your flat only.”
Steve thought for a while, debating whether he wants Tony to know he indeed uses his creations and knows how they function, or keep them a secret…
“Call me Mister Rogers.” Steve finally replies, packing the art supplies away, “I do not think it’s time for them to know.”
“Understood.” The voice said, “Mister Stark would arrive in one-minute.”
“Noted, thanks again.” Steve nudges the robots away and told them he could take it form here, though they tried to protest.
Before JARVIS could say his part, Tony bursts through the door, not roughly but definitely not a gentle one.
“Howdy, my dear cap!” Tony lets his presence known and sat down b the dining table stools, facing Steve’s back. “Whatcha doin?”
“I could as the same to you.” Steve replies, focusing on stirring his soup, “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Same goes for you.” Tony deflected, “What you doing up so early? Didn’t you say you’ll sleep until you can’t anymore?”
“I didn’t say that.” Steve counters softly, “And I’m just here cooking soup.”
“Oh?” Tony raises an eyebrow, “Didn’t know our dear captain can cook, thought you’ll be too focused on war to learn.”
“Well, now you know.” Steve finally turns around, cleaning the table, “I’ve known how to cook since I was a child.”
“I bet you’ll be like Gordon Ramsy.” Tony laughed, “Being all frustrated when others do something wrong. ‘Where’s the lam sauce!’ “
“erm…” Steve looks up briefly, “Who’s… Who’s Gordon Ramsy? And why do you think I’ll shout at others?” Confusion written all over his face.
“Cause you’re the captain!” Tony asked the robot to pass him a glass of water, “You know? Captain is serious and strict, one slip up and you’ll be at their throat or something. Ain’t that how they all are?”
That stung.
Steve didn’t like the way Captains were portrayed during this century. Even if Tony was correct about the characteristics, Steve wasn’t like that. He never acts such way, he’s patient and understanding; never had he once shouted at others just because they made a tiny slip up.
“Right.” Steve looks uncomfortable with this conversation.
“Oh! Yes!” Tony suddenly exclaimed, causing Steve to flinch; he hopes the other man doesn’t catch that, “I am up here because the team had decided to hold another party tonight. You’re invited of course. Thor is moping and whining with losing a drinking buddy.”
“Ah.” Steve was taken aback, “Well… I am not sure. I will let you know later, if not, please go ahead and start without me.”
“Alright.” Tony accepted it as quick as he came, “I’ll let them know. Now I require sleep, so… I’ll see you tonight? Hopefully.”
The smile is forced; Steve could tell. He’s not stupid or blind, he can read people like a book, a skill that is required for a captain to lead. Important to distinguish and find the mole.
“Alright.” Steve smiles softly, “I’ll see you later then. Good night, Tony.”
“Yeah.” Tony stood up to leave, “Good night for me, good morning to you, cap.”
As if on cue, the moment Tony left, the robots came back to work and JARVIS started to chat with him.
His flat is often quite and lonely, therefore he’s grateful for JARVIS to chat with him occasionally and Sam to crash. He found comfort and familiarity when having a conversation with both, despite JARVIS being an Ai and Sam having had known him for only a few weeks.
It’s now 10:00 a.m., the soup reminds Steve greatly of his mother, it caused a few tears to slip. He kept half a bowl on the stove and will drink again during dinner time. It brought warmth into his heart, the memories of his mother floods his senses, Therefore, he’s drawing what he remembers of her in his sketchbook.
He sat in the conservatory area; the sun lightly bounces off his skin while the music softly engulfs him. It’s too perfect.
---------- cut ----------
It’s around 13:00 p.m. when Sam called him and asked to come over. Steve of course agreed and notified JARVIS to let him in. He’s in a good mood, on top of Sam visiting just made his day.
“Steve, Sam has arrived.” JAEVIS announced.
“Thanks, Jarvis.” Steve quickly stood up and went over to the door to greet his friend.
“Welcome!” Steve said cheerfully.
“Someone’s in a good mood.” Sam smirks, but it quickly faltered, “I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?” Steve led him over to the conservatory, “Is it the reason why you’ve visited?”
“Nah, came over because I found some movies you would like.” Sam smiles, “What I want to tell you is what I’ve heard as I pass through the common area.”
Steve had a bad feeling, he hopes it’s not what he’s been thinking.
“It’s your team.”
Dang it. Steve didn’t want it to go there.
“They said some pretty horrible things about you, Steve.” Sam looks sympathetically at him, “You really didn’t open up to them, huh?”
“Yeah…” Steve looks down on his hands, “I tried. I showed them my personality and my passion, but none seems to catch it. They all thought I’m heartless and cold, a vibe killer so they said.” He looks up to the scenery in front of him.
“Do you want me to talk to them?” Sam offered, “I know how much it affects you.”
That’s true. Sam knew because he’s been the only human being that’s willing to socialise with him normally. Others all treat him like an authority figure, someone who you must obey and listen to. But the truth it, Steve isn’t. Sam would listen to his troubles and work out together. Steve would bring Sam to jogging and hit the gym together, afterwards, they’ll just chat and do whatever they want to do. Steve couldn’t count have many times Sam was there when he requires support.
“No, it’s fine.” Rogers looks at Sam, “Thank you for offering.”
“But what they said were out of line!” Sam frustrates, “Do you know what they said? They said you were boring, cold hearted and frustrating to be around, which you already knew, but still! Can you even believe that? They also said you not joining them tonight was a dream come true.”
“I know.” Steve smiles, a sad smile. Words hurt him, his heart clenches every time he heard those words, phrases run like a broken record; on repeat.
“You… knew.” Sam looks baffled, “You knew and you didn’t bother to tell me or talk to them? You don’t have to suffer alone, you know?”
“It’s fine, Sam.” The captain replied, “They’ll come around.”
“No they won’t.” The younger teen argues, “They will never understand you, unless they catch a glimpse on how you go through your day.”
“Yeah…” Steve sighs, “I know.”
“Please don’t hesitate to tell me anything, Steve.” Sam looks sincerely at Steve, “Even though we don’t work together much yet, I’m willing to back you up.”
“Thank you, Sam.” Steve felt warm, “Most appreciated. It means a lot.”
“You heading there tonight?” Sam asked, he went to grab a drink of both of them.
“I don’t think so…” Rogers replied hesitantly, “I think I need some time away from the team… it’s…it’s been a lot to take in. I thought we were…we were a family…?”
Sam looks sympathetically at Steve, knowing how much it had hurt him, knowing some quality time with those he felt comfortable with is what he needs now. A friend to rely on.
“Alright.” Sam sat up, taking out a CD out of his bag, “Ready to chill?”
“Always.”
TBC.