Chapter Text
Sloane’s never really coached herself before, but she figures it can’t be that hard⎼⎼otherwise, no one would do it. All she needs to do is take this step by step. First, she needs to find Agent Sterling. Then, she needs to ask her if they can talk. Finally, she has to tell her and hope that Agent Sterling doesn’t get mad or yell or kick her out or hate her.
Sloane is really hoping that nothing like that happens.
Technically, Sloane doesn’t have to tell Agent Sterling anything. She doesn’t have to tell anyone anything. But she wants to!
At least, she’s pretty sure she does.
Does she?
Yes. Sloane does want to tell people. And Agent Sterling is a good person to start with.
Is she?
Oh no. Sloane is second-guessing herself again. Celine told her that if she couldn’t do it, it was fine to back out. But Sloane’s nervous that she’ll start the conversation and then back out, and then it’ll look suspicious and Agent Sterling will hate her.
So maybe Agent Sterling isn’t the person to start with.
No. Sloane made a plan, and she needs to stick to it. She was going to tell Agent Sterling first, because that was who she was most scared of telling.
She really doesn’t want to. But she has to.
Or no, she doesn’t have to do anything. This is what she wants to do.
Or is it?
No, it definitely is.
But what if it’s not?
Sloane rubs her temples. This is all new and confusing, and she doesn’t quite know how to process what she’s feeling⎼⎼especially when the feelings are all but bombarding her. In fact, she doesn’t quite know what to do in general.
She knows she only sort of wants to do this. But she’s pretty sure she’s going to do it anyway.
Sloane finds Agent Sterling in the kitchen, poking through the cabinets. Fortunately, she’s alone. Sloane really hopes it’ll stay that way for at least as long as this will take⎼⎼however long it will take (hopefully not very long)⎼⎼because she wants to tell Cassie and Dean and Lia and Michael separately. In a different way. She doesn’t quite know what that different way is yet, but she’ll figure it out. Eventually.
She draws in a deep breath. “Agent Sterling?”
Agent Sterling turns to face her. “Yes?”
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no. She can’t do this. She squeezes her eyes shut.
“Sloane?” Agent Sterling asks. “Is something wrong?”
“I… wanted to talk to you,” Sloane blurts, forcing her eyes back open and trying but failing to meet Agent Sterling’s eyes as the words coming out in a jumbled rush. She can barely hear herself, but then again, her heart is pounding so loud in her ears that it’s difficult to hear anything else.
She strains to catch Agent Sterling’s reply. “Of course,” she hears. “What’s going on?”
Oh no. Now she can’t back out. Now she’s stuck in this conversation, and she’ll have to tell Agent Sterling, and it’s all her fault. Her fingers tap together, faster and faster.
Is this what it feels like for everybody? Is this what Celine felt like?
“I,” Sloane starts, and then repeats herself. “Wanted to talk to you.”
“Yes, you said that,” Agent Sterling says, raising one eyebrow.
Sloane drops her gaze to the ground. She can’t meet Agent Sterling’s eyes right now, because Agent Sterling will definitely know she’s holding something back and then she’ll get suspicious. Sloane doesn’t want her to be suspicious of her. She doesn’t think that will help the situation.
“Is something wrong?” Agent Sterling asks.
“No!” Sloane says. “No. No. Nothing is wrong.”
“Are you sure?”
No.
“Yes,” Sloane says quickly.
“Okay,” Agent Sterling replies, clearly not believing her. “You just seem very… flustered.”
Sloane wraps her arms around her chest as tightly as she can, letting the instinctual motion comfort her. “I’m okay,” she says, then repeats it for her own benefit. Maybe if she says it enough, it will come true. “I’m okay.” She takes another deep breath. “I…”
She was really hoping that sentence would just finish itself.
“You what?” Agent Sterling prompts when Sloane is silent for thirty-two seconds.
“I,” Sloane says again, and oh no. Oh no. Oh no. It feels like her chest is shutting down and like she can’t breathe and like she’s suffocating. Oh no. Does this happen to everybody? If it does, why didn’t Celine tell her about it?
“Sloane, honey, I’m not sure you’re okay.” Agent Sterling steps closer. She looks concerned.
Maybe that’s good. Maybe it means she won’t hate Sloane.
But she also doesn’t know yet. Which is sort of scary.
“Are you having a panic attack?” Agent Sterling asks, dropping down to her knees so she can look Sloane in the eye. Sloane doesn’t meet her gaze, because she’s scared that if she does, she’ll just blurt it out and then Agent Sterling will definitely hate her. “You are, aren’t you?”
No. Yes. Maybe. Sloane doesn’t know. “No,” she forces out.
Agent Sterling rests one hand on Sloane’s shoulder. “Okay. You’re fine. I believe you.” Sloane is definitely not fine. “What did you want to tell me?”
“I,” Sloane starts again. “Wanted. To tell you. That.”
She’s run out of filler words. Now she actually has to say it.
“That?” Agent Sterling prompts.
“That,” Sloane repeats. She squeezes her eyes shut and braces herself. “That…”
She has to say it. She has to say it.
But what if Agent Sterling hates her because of this? What if she kicks her out of the house and/or the program? What if she gets mad at Sloane?
What if she doesn’t? Celine’s voice asks in her head.
She has a point.
What if Agent Sterling doesn’t hate Sloane because of this?
“That I’m a lesbian,” Sloane blurts, her words coming out in a rush and tripping and stumbling over each other. She keeps her eyes firmly squeezed shut, waiting and preparing for the worst to happen.
The worst does not happen.
“Sloane,” Agent Sterling says. “Oh God. I’m so happy you told me.”
Sloane forces her eyes open. Tears are spilling out of them. When did she start crying? “Really?” she whispers.
“Really,” Agent Sterling confirms, meeting Sloane’s eyes. She runs her thumb under Sloane’s eyes, wiping away the tears, although Sloane can maybe, definitely, spot some tears watering in Agent Sterling’s eyes. “And I’m happy for you.” She puts extra emphasis on the word, like maybe Sloane won’t believe her if she doesn’t.
She probably wouldn’t.
“Who else have you told?” Agent Sterling asks.
“Um,” Sloane says. “Celine knows.”
Agent Sterling’s expression softens. “You look terrified, honey.”
Maybe she is. Sloane lost track of what she was feeling five minutes ago.
“I promise you, there’s nothing to be scared of,” Agent Sterling tells her. “I think you’ll find that the others will be extremely accepting.”
“How do you know that?” Sloane whispers.
Agent Sterling smirks. “I just do.”
Sloane’s quiet and still for forty-five seconds, then she launches herself at Agent Sterling and throws her arms around her neck, latching onto her and holding on for dear life. Agent Sterling seems surprised at first, but she carefully returns the hug. Sloane buries her face in Agent Sterling’s shoulder, because she’s crying again. Why is she crying? This is not sad news. And Agent Sterling doesn’t hate her, so there is no reason to be crying.
After sixty-four seconds, Agent Sterling pulls back, her hands on Sloane’s shoulders. “I want you to know,” she says quietly, “that you can always tell me things.”
Sloane’s not sure about that.
“I mean it,” Agent Sterling says. “Anything.”
“Okay,” Sloane whispers, trying to believe it.
Agent Sterling meets her eyes. She looks like she’s trying to decide what to say. Finally, she says, “I’m proud of you.”
Okay. Something is definitely wrong here. Sloane’s not sure anyone’s ever told her they’re proud of her. Agent Sterling must be wrong. She manages to squeak out a small “Why?”
“Why?” Agent Sterling repeats, shaking her head somewhat incredulously. “Sloane, you were two seconds away from having a full-on panic attack and still managed to come out to me. That takes guts, honey. You could’ve backed out at any point. But you didn’t.”
But I didn’t. It’s true. She didn’t.
She didn’t back out. And Agent Sterling doesn’t hate her.
Overall, that seems like a pretty good ending.