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Perhaps L’s biggest oversight when chaining Light to himself to observe and psychoanalyze him was not realizing that Light would observe and psychoanalyze L right back.
Light is a smart man, Kira is a smart man. He would have to be in order to give L no definitive proof of his guilt. Therefore, L should’ve expected this. Especially since Kira needs to kill L. Watching L’s every move would need to be Light’s prerogative since he most certainly must be Kira. Looking for weakness, looking for clues, looking for chances to kill. That had to be Light’s cause for watching L, because it would be Kira’s cause for watching L. Light had to be Kira. L could feel it in his bones, this undeniable truth that made him ache with an unwanted sadness. L (rather unfortunately) had grown to care for Light. L really wished that he was wrong about Light, and the way that Light had been acting as of late, as if he truly had no memory of being a killer, hadn’t helped L’s wishful thinking. His wishful thinking that maybe he was mistaken, that Light was an innocent caught up in the crossfire of investigation. His wishful thinking that Light could become a close confidant and travel with him to solve other cases. His wishful thinking that Light didn’t want him dead. But L knew better than to bet on wishful thinking.
It really shouldn’t have been a surprise when Light voiced his observations of L’s behaviors - behaviors that L would much prefer Light wouldn’t notice.
It was another late night of working on the Kira investigation. The rest of the taskforce had gone home, leaving L and Light working side by side on their desktops; chain lightly jangling and swinging when one of them would make a larger motion with their chained arm to pick up their cup of coffee. L was once again reviewing the tapes that the second Kira (almost certainly Misa Amane) had created in order to look for clues on how the ability spread and infected a third Kira with the killing power. While listening to the tapes, he idly gnawed on his thumbnail as he often did. At least, he hoped that it looked idle, like a common habit of nail biting and not a hard to fight compulsion to rip his skin to shreds and gnaw his fingers to the bone. That of course was an exaggerated way to put it, but it often felt similarly intense. He tried to refocus onto the tapes - forcing his hand away from his mouth. He had already chewed all of his fingernails down to the point where they hurt when attempting to do anything with the tips of his fingers, as well as peeled back and chewed off a few of his cuticles, leaving only jaggedly peeled and irritated skin in their wake. Unfortunately, before he even realized it, his fingers on the hand he had pulled away were already dancing across his face in a desperate search of anything to pull, pick, squeeze, or scratch at. They quickly settled on a small oily spot on his chin, which hadn’t even formed a zit yet, and fixated upon it. The tapes soon finished but L was fixated on his skin. He hoped he looked deep in thought and not like someone feverishly tearing his own flesh apart.
With the tapes finished playing, the only sounds were Light’s quiet typing, the quiet tick of a wall clock, and the nearly suffocating volume of L’s own thoughts. L didn’t know quite what he was even thinking about. He tried to focus on the case but he had been distractible as of late. It was getting increasingly harder to want to win, to want to prove that Light was Kira. He really wished he could shove these unnecessary feelings down but they kept rising in his throat more and more every day. A part of him was dimly aware of his hand (now having moved to scratch at a scab on his cheek which he had caused the previous day), but he didn’t have the will to do anything about it despite wishing he wouldn’t rip his face apart. He knew that it was an illogical behavior and only opened himself up to possible infections as well as scarring. He knew this well as his chest, shoulders, back, and arms were heavily marred with scarring from this habit. He hated the look of it, the texture of it, but did his best to tamp those feelings down as such frivolous matters like self image and appearance shouldn’t matter to him as a man of logic and reason.
The noise of his thoughts was broken by Light’s voice.
“You know, you really shouldn’t do that to your skin, Ryuzaki. It’ll only make it heal slower and increase chances of infection from any bacteria under your nails, or whatever is left of your nails anyways. I doubt they have much length with how much you chew them”.
L looked over to the man, meeting Light’s eyes as he looked up from whatever he was typing. L took his hand from its place on his cheek and forced a reply that he hoped would get Light to leave the issue alone. “I hardly see how that is any concern of yours, Light. I do know how to take care of myself”.
Light scoffed, “Then why is your face bleeding? That seems more like harming yourself than taking care of yourself”.
L looked down his hand to see that he had a small amount of red on the nail of his pointer finger. He brushed the side of his hand across his cheek to only gather a small red streak on his hand. “Well I hardly consider that miniscule amount of blood true harm, Light. It was simply a scab itching to be picked off”.
Light looked at him inquisitively. “Well to the extent that you pick at your skin it seems like a self harm behavior. I’ve seen you without your shirt when we change, Ryuzaki. I know how scarred your shoulders are. Are you okay?”.
“Light, I know what it looks like but it is not a self harm problem. Besides, you shouldn’t concern yourself with my behaviors even if I was self harming. Shouldn’t you want me to indulge in self destructive behaviors, Kira?”. L knew it was a mean retort at the end but really wanted Light to drop the issue. Having Light show concern for him, care for him, was dangerous to the case. Plus, Light truly was concerning himself over nothing. L was fine. He had actually dealt with self harm issues before and his compulsions came from a completely different place from his picking impulses. And while yes, his mind did occasionally wander to those more harmful wants when he particularly felt like a failure of a detective for allowing himself to get too close to the perpetrator, he did not indulge in those behaviors. He couldn’t while chained to Light. He couldn’t allow Light to see L in a moment of weakness.
Light sighed at the Kira comment. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not Kira?” Light gave him a look with a mixture of sadness and worry hidden in his eyes. “Ryuzaki, of course I concern myself with your wellbeing and would worry if you were truly harming yourself. I do care about you. We are friends in some strange way. I’m just saying, you pick at your skin quite a lot and seem to have caused extensive scarring already. Maybe it would be best to try to break this habit.”
“Don’t you think I’ve tried to? It's not that simple to stop, Light”, L said exasperatingly. “Just drop it, Light. It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t distract yourself from the case just to interrogate me about my odd behaviors. You should already have noticed by now that I’m far from normal. Couldn’t my penchant for sweets be considered more harmful for my health than the occasional skin picking?”
Light frowned. “I suppose so, but still. It's concerning to watch, Ryuzaki. Sometimes it looks like you’re in a trance while you’re doing it. You snap out of the trance and take your hand away only for it to quickly go back. Is there anything I can do to help?”
L was growing more and more annoyed and defensive. “You can help by focusing on the case instead of interrogating me about unimportant matters”, L snapped. L noticed that while they were talking, his pointer had been scratching the side of his thumb and it had begun to bleed a small amount.
Light noticed him look down at his hand and followed his gaze. “Jeez L, that looks painful”. It wasn’t really. His fingers were so callused and scarred that he hardly felt it. L pointedly looked away from Light, directing his gaze to his screen. “Are you really just gonna ignore me and not even go to clean your wounds?”. L continued to ignore him. Light stood from his seat and took L by the wrist. “Come on, let's go clean this up and then head to bed. I don’t know the last time you properly slept.” L begrudgingly stood and followed Light, tearing his wrist away from his grasp. Sleep probably would be beneficial, but mostly, L just didn’t have the energy to fight Light on this.
When they got to their bedroom, L entered the attached bathroom. With the way Light was acting, L half expected Light to try to follow him in to make sure he properly cleaned his wounds. L was glad when Light made no such attempt. He splashed water on his face and washed his hands, all the while making a pointed attempt to avoid his reflection. He didn’t want to see the damage he had done, nor did he want to see any spots that he could pick at and get focused on picking to his reflection. He changed into pajama pants, not bothering with changing into a sleep shirt. He didn’t want to see his arms and the scars and scabs that littered them.
When he returned to the bedroom he saw that Light had changed into pajama pants as well. L briefly unchained him to allow him to change shirts. L avoided looking at Light and his unmarred skin while he changed. When Light was fully changed, L returned the chain to his wrist, making a point not to look up and meet Light’s eyes. Light climbed into his side of the bed and L sat in his chair. Light always made a point to leave room for L in the bed, just in case L decided to join him. L never had.
“You know, the bed might be a bit more comfortable on your back”, Light said as he arranged the blankets comfortably around himself, “You seem to always be sore in the morning no matter how much you pretend you aren't”.
“Well aren't you just full of observations tonight, Light”, L retorted, “I must stay alert at all times, therefore, I sleep in the chair”.
Light sighed. “Ryuzaki, I’m not Kira. You don't need to stay alert all night long. Plus, wouldn’t not getting a good night’s rest make you less alert throughout the day?”.
“Light, what do you want?”, L sighed while giving Light an annoyed look.
Light had a mixture of disappointment, frustration, and concern painting his face. “I’m just trying to let you know that I care for your wellbeing”.
Please don’t lie to me like that, thought L, it’ll just make everything harder. L forced his eyes away from the other man and turned off the table lamp between the chair and the bed, sending the room into darkness.
Trapped in silence with his thoughts, L had a hard time resisting the urge to drag his fingertips across his skin, searching for any slight textural difference to hone in on and excoriate. His arm snaked around the front of his opposing shoulder and down the back of his shirt. It moved obsessively from his back, to the side of his arm, to the top of his shoulder, and to the back of his neck before switching arms and focusing in on the opposite side of his body. All the while, the hand currently not swimming past the neck opening of his shirt rubbed around his face, scratching at any imperfection in the skin. Mentally, he was only half present in the moment, only half aware of the damage being done. The other half of him was busy ruminating in his thoughts of Light. Why was Light saying that he cared? He couldn’t care, he was Kira. He most likely was just trying to get closer to L in order to find a weakness, to get L to let his guard down, to get L to stop suspecting him. Why else would a serial killing, mass murderer with a god complex show any form of care for L? But why did Light have that look of true concern in his eyes? Light was a good actor but L didn’t think he was that good. L shoved that line of thinking away. Light had to be Kira. L had to catch Kira. L could not let feelings for Light get in the way of his mission. Besides, even if Light was innocent, there was no way he would want to spend time with L after this was all over. Light was too structured and perfect in the eyes of his peers, too tied to the societal expectations surrounding him to want to be friends with L, especially after everything that L had put him through. Maybe that was for the best. L knew that if somehow, someway, Light was innocent, L would have no true restrictions to be able to place on his heart. L would fully fall for him, and that could not be. Love, requited or unrequited, would allow weakness into his life and open himself up to hurt, which would distract from his work. L would not, could not, allow that.
“God, L, I don’t know how you can deny that you have a problem”.
L froze, broken from his thoughts, and realized how insane he must look. His arms were wrapped around himself and his skin was pink and felt raw. He removed his arms from his shirt and his face and looked up at Light. It had been long enough from when he turned the lamp off that both of their eyes had properly adjusted. L wasn’t as hidden as he had thought. Light could see him for what he truly was. L sat, staring at Light, before quietly responding, “I never said it wasn’t a problem, only that you shouldn’t concern yourself with it”. Light frowned and opened his mouth to say something. “I don’t want to hear it, Light. Please just drop it and get some rest”.
“Only if you come to bed and get some actual sleep. You need rest, Ryuzaki”. Light stared at him seriously. L didn’t want to give in. Sleeping in the same bed as Light would be agonizing and sleeping in the same bed as Kira would be downright suicidal. But L saw he had no other choice in the matter. Light was just as, if not more, stubborn than L himself. Light would not drop the issue if L didn’t comply.
L slowly rose from the chair and got into the bed, making an attempt to minimally disturb the way Light had the blankets laid. L laid flat on his back, allowing it to decompress from its usual hunched position. Light was laying on his side facing L. L stared at the ceiling, trying to avoid any eye contact with Light, as his right hand began to pick at the cuticles on his left as they sat propped up on his chest. Light sighed and gently took hold of both of L’s hands in one of his own and held them still atop of L’s chest. L’s heart jumped into his throat at the sudden contact, but did not tear away from it. Instead, he tried to slow down his heart rate and breathing so Light wouldn’t feel how L’s heart was ready to burst from his chest as Light’s hand gently laid upon it. L glanced over at Light and made eye contact.
“Goodnight Ryuzaki. I hope you sleep well”. Light sounded genuine, causing L’s heart to ache further. L forced out a quiet, “Goodnight to you too, Light”, before returning his gaze to the ceiling and forcing his eyes to shut so that he wouldn’t have to be awake for this torture anymore.
Light was going to be the death of him. He just knew it.