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Lately, even the most mundane of activities seemed to completely drain you of energy. Getting out of bed in the morning was turning into such a burden you would often pray before going to sleep that you wouldn’t wake the following morning. The action itself wasn’t physically stimulating, but in your head it represented the beginning of another day full of the world trying to fuck you over in the worst of ways.
The smell of cooking bacon prompted you to make an effort. Even though you’d hoped you wouldn’t live to see another day, your wish hadn’t yet been granted, and for the sake of the boys you finally got up, and made an attempt at dressing yourself so as not to look like a complete hobo. You went to the bathroom to look at yourself in the mirror, but the person that looked back at you looked nothing like the person you once were. The reflection was pale as a ghost, with large dark bags beneath the eyes. You rolled up your sleeves and you could see that the person standing on the other side had pink healing wounds all over their arms, before you knew it a small blade from a razor was resting between the fingers of your right hand.
Slowly you razed your left hand so that it hovered above the sink. You stared for a second at the marks spanning the larger part of your forearm. You haltingly touched the tip of the razor blade to an area between two scars that had not yet been marked by your crippling need for pain to distract you from your feelings. As you slid it across your arm, a thin strip of red appeared. Lifting the blade you stopped for a moment to observe the outcome of your actions. Disappointment filled your body at the thought that mutilating yourself was the only way you could muster up enough strength to get you through the day. You were punishing yourself for your inability to complete the simplest of actions, for disappointing everyone in your life. But it gave you the energy you needed to get though the day without alerting the boys of your mental state. For a moment the pain on your arm exceeded that of the pain in your thoughts and memories.
Another fragrance joined the smell of bacon and you decided it was time you headed to the kitchen. You wrapped a thin bandage around your arm to prevent the blood from soaking through your shirt. You took one last look at yourself in the mirror and exited the bathroom.
You started walking down the hallway in the direction of the kitchen, stopping at the entrance when you heard a heated argument rising up between the brothers. They were trying to be as quiet as possible so you decided they must have been talking about you, but the closed door muffled the sounds of their voices and you weren’t able to make out much of their conversation. You open the door and enter the room, a strong smell of eggs and bacon hitting you and trapping your brain in a moment of complete bliss, which unfortunately faded away just as suddenly as it had hit you. Sam was placing the last fork on the table in front of the plate you knew belonged to you, while Dean was just taking the pan off the stove. “Morning!” Dean said as he turned around with the large heated pan and started walking with it towards the table “How’re you feeling?” He continued.
“Fine.” you said not exactly willing to talk about the way you were feeling right now, so you immediately changed the subject, “I could smell those eggs all the way from my room.”
“Yeah, sorry about that, I tried to close the door but I guess it didn’t help much.” Dean explained as he started dividing the eggs between the three plates. You walked over to the table and sat down across from Sam, Dean following suit, and sitting at his place, at the square table, in between Sam and yourself. “So listen, Dean and I decided to take tomorrow off and head into town, watch a movie or something, care to join us?” They were always inviting you to go and have fun with them, whenever they went to clubs, to movies, to diners, everywhere and this always had you very confused as you’d always hated everything about yourself, so why Sam and Dean would want to spend time with you, or even keep you around was a mystery you hadn’t yet solved.
“Maybe, I’ve had a pretty bad headache for a couple of days now!” You lie, feeling as though you would only hinder them, and stop them from having fun. Your anxiety always seemed to hit you the hardest when everyone around you was having the most fun, and you were afraid that they’ll feel bad for you for not joining in which would ruin their evening as well. “Do you guys have any plans for today?” You’d gotten rid of a shifter terrorizing a nearby town the other day so you could see no point in them not going out today, seeing as no case had shown up, at least not to your knowledge.
“Well turns out, there might have been more than one shape shifting little bugger, not just the one we ganked, so we’re gonna head down into town again and take care of it, shouldn’t take too long, we thought you might want to stay home and rest, Sam and I’ll deal with it.” Dean responded. “Oh, yeah sure, but call me if you need anything.” You took a bite of the delicious food, realizing that you were actually starving. You hadn’t eaten anything other than a chocolate bar and an apple in the two days that the boys had been out hunting, mostly because you could hardly get to the bathroom across from your room, let alone the kitchen on the other side of the bunker.
“Are you going to be alright while we’re gone?” Dean asked with a gentle look on his face and a was that a hint of concern? You looked at Sam and shook your head yes, returning your gaze towards Dean. “Aren’t I always?” you added with a slight grin on your face to reassure them of your wellbeing. You gobbled up the remainder of your breakfast and walked back to your room with not another word other than a quiet “good luck today”.
Upon entering your room, the only thing you stopped to do before slumping down on your bed was close the door. You were lying down on your back your eyes scanning the different cracks and irregularities in the ceiling.
The hardest times were when you were alone, when you knew there was no one for miles around the bunker, so you decided to try and occupy your mind with something while they were gone. You went over to the library and started going over the books that you hadn’t read yet, looking for something interesting. You were just about to pick up a book on Norse mythology when you heard the library door open. You instinctively grabbed the pocket knife you always had on you and turned around to see Castiel approaching you looking rather concerned. “Dean asked me to check in on you, said you were feeling down,” he stated, “I don’t think I was supposed to tell you that though.”
You sighed “I told him I was fine, I don’t need any supervision, besides, Cas, you have a lot of work to do, you really don’t need to worry about me”
“You’re sad” he stammered, “I can sense it, more than usual.” You just stared at him, surprised at his comment. You’d actually been feeling a little better but then you realized it was all just a façade, you told yourself you were feeling better hoping it would actually make you feel better which It didn’t. Cas was now standing right in front of you, and had been staring at you the entire time, finally he engulfed you in a very comforting bear hug, causing you to relax a little in his warm embrace. “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore,” he said causing you to look up at him confused, taking in your look, he continued, “I’m an angel, you might have fooled Sam and Dean but I’ve noticed the injuries that you’ve been getting even though you haven’t been on a single hunt in weeks.” You felt a tear slip down your cheek, as you hid your face in his white dress shirt. One of his hands was now gently brushing against your hair.
Lately Cas had definitely improved his comforting skills, as well as his social ones, he was now able to hold a normal conversation and even understand some common media references. But for the time being all you cared about was how well he’d learned to help people when they felt that the whole world was crashing in on them.
You slowly broke the hug even though Cas had made you feel better than you had in a long time, perhaps his angelic grace had something to do with it as it all seemed to slip away as soon as the two of you had broken physical contact, leaving you even emptier than before. You could never understand why they would ever show you so much compassion, you’re extremely shy and awkward, you can’t dance or sing or hunt, you can’t do anything properly, you’ve wondered many times in your life why they still bothered with you, you felt like they were just faking everything, like they were all only doing this out of pity. “You should go Cas, there’re people or angels out there who need you more than I do right now.” He started saying something to contradict you but you stopped him mid sentence saying “Just go Cas, I don’t want you here, I don’t want anyone here, there’s no reason for anyone to want to be around me ever please just…” your voice was beginning to break “just go!” You were fully aware that your outburst would later be reported to Dean, but right now this feeling of being pitied by amazing beings such as Castiel was just too overwhelming.
Cas opened his mouth as if to say something but then decided against it, probably confused by your reaction, and unsure as to what he was to do in such a situation. You hardly realized that a stream of tears were now falling down your face, you turned your back towards the confused angel but you felt your knees give up under you, however Cas caught you before you hit the ground and took you gently in his arms. You expected him to put you down on a chair but instead within a flash you found yourself back in your bedroom as he lay you down on your bed. You curled on to your side, facing the opposite side of the room from which he was in. You hated yourself for showing such weakness in front of Cas. You knew he was just trying to help, and he must now be freaking out, not knowing how to help you.
You heard him walk around the bed to reach the side of the room towards which you were facing and he stooped down, so that you could see his face, which your tears were fogging up slightly. “Tell me what I can do to make you feel better” he stammered, worry fully visible on his usually neutral features. “Talk to me, you can tell me anything, the boys don’t need to know if you don’t want them to.”
“Cas, why are you and the Winchesters always so nice to me? I’m nothing more than a burden, I’ve been messing everything up and I can’t seem to be of any use no matter how much I try,” You sit up, as breathing seems to be almost impossible while you’re lying on your side, crying and blabbing on about your problems at such a speed that you start wondering whether Cas was actually getting any of the words you’re saying. Cas helps you up and once you’re sitting up straight, he takes a seat next to you and wraps an arm around you.
“You mean the world to us. You came here at a very hard time for us, and you helped us through it,” He was comfortingly rubbing his thumb on your shoulder. “What you’re going through now, we’ll help you, you’ll be ok I swear, we love you with all our hearts. You know Bobby, right?” you nod your head in approval. “He once said that family doesn’t end in blood, and he loved Sam and Dean like his own sons, and he cared for them better than their own father ever did. You are part of our family now and that means we’ll always be there for you, no matter what. I know losing your family left a hole within you that words can’t even begin to describe but the boys and I love you very much and hopefully through time we’ll help mend the wounds within you or at least make them more tolerable to live with”
You felt your eyelids drooping but you shot one last thankful look at Cas before you let yourself slip back down on your bed and pass out into a well welcomed sleep.