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Ottawa WAGs
July 17 2:04 pm
Selena
I still can’t believe my kids got me sick on the day of the royal wedding of the hockey world
I need constant updates on everything, so I can live vicariously through the group chat
Caitlin
Don’t worry, we’ll talk so much it will almost feel like you’re there
July 17 6:47 pm
Cassie
I love Shane and Ilya, I do
But why aren’t there any chairs???
Amelia
I should’ve not worn heels
Harris
Okay but did you guys see Anya?
Selena
Anya, my baby :( Send pics
Harris
A photo of Anya sitting at Ilya’s feet, a burgundy bow on her head
Selena
That’s it, I’m opening the website to the closest shelter
Harris
Excuse me? Do I mean nothing to you?
Selena
Sorry, forgot you’re the resident dog dealer around here
Harris
>:( You better remember it next time
July 17 7:17 pm
Yuki
I had to go to the bathroom to fix my makeup because I was crying so much
I love love and I love weddings and I love Shane and Ilya
Caitlin
They’ve been through so much together, I can’t even imagine
Gabriela
I hope they get everything they want in life and more, they deserve that
Yuki
You guys need to stop talking or I will start crying again
July 17 7:28 pm
Amelia
Harris, I love you, but you really couldn’t come up with another song for their first dance?
Harris
I panicked?! It was the first song that came to mind
Caitlin
I liked it!
Caitlin, you live with your husband, he is even worse DJ
Caitlin
Well your husband probably only listens to nature sounds and Tchaikovsky
yes <3
Shane
For the record, me and my husband liked the song. And I had even heard it before!
Selena
”Me and my husband” oh my heart
Yuki
Don’t do this or I’ll start crying again
July 17 7:47 pm
Eva
I tried to talk with Rose Landry but she was with Ilya’s hot Russian friend and I started panicking, I can handle only so many beautiful women at once and I think I embarrassed myself and now I’m going to get so fucking drunk I’ll forget this ever happened
Harris
I’m never going to let you forget this
Eva
I hope Troy dumps your ass and you die alone and miserable
Lisa
Time and place, guys
Eva
Sorry, Lis
July 17 8:13 pm
Selena
Are there any Montreal players there? You know, so you could spit in their drinks
Caitlin
It’s just Hayden and JJ
Selena
They didn’t even come to his wedding? That’s it, I’m buying a gun
July 17 9:19 pm
Amelia
Would it be ethical to hook up another Centarur?
Because I just saw Tanner making out with some girl. It’s been two weeks since we broke up, so he must not be that heartbroken
And Oliver has been kind of looking at me like he wants to devour me the whole night
Eva
Girl, nobody cares about ethics, go for it
Gabriela
Oliver is the third hottest player in the team, do it
Selena
Sixth hottest, but yes
Caitlin
Fifth, but yes
Shane
Have you all ranked the team based on their hotness?
Yuki
Yes
Cassie
Yes
Eva
Yes
Shane
That’s kind of objectifying
What number am I?
two
Shane
And what, you’re number one?
yes
Troy is number three :)
Shane
Fuck you, Rozanov
Selena
Trouble in paradise already, damn
Harris
Eh, like two minutes after this I saw them making out in the kitchen, I think they’ll be fine
July 17 10:23 pm
Lisa
Eva and Harris are both drunk, you know what that means
Selena
No way I’m missing Eva and Harris being drunk as in them becoming best friends all of a sudden
Caitlin
They are literally giggling together, this feels like a fever dream evey time
Gabriela
I’ve seen them hug five times already
July 17 10:43 pm
Cassie
Now they are singing ABBA while holding hairbrushes like mics
Lisa
And now Ilya is joining them
Gabriela
Ilya singing Super Trouper in front of everyone and pointing at Shane when the “somewhere in the crowd there’s you” part came on might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen
Yuki
Anddd I’m crying again
July 17 11:15 pm
Eva
I love yo uall sooooo much
Selena
Eva, go drink some water
Eva
:(
July 17 11:48 pm
Yuki
Ilya, didn’t you have something to say to the group chat?
?
oh yes
this is the best day of my life
Yuki
Shane? Comments?
Shane
What?
Amelia
You said we weren’t allowed to have the best days of our lives be related to you
And see what Ilya just said?
Shane
It’s our wedding day?
Yuki
Hypocrite
Shane
??????
Ottawa WAGs
July 18 2:04 pm
Eva
I might have the worst hangover of my life but I had so much fun!!
Cassie
Thank you for the lovely wedding!!
Amelia
It was very beautiful!
Gabriela
Okay but real question, Ames, did you wake up in your own bed or not?
Amelia
I’m not answering that
Lisa
So, that’s a no
Amelia
Okay, so privacy is no longer a thing?
Gabriela
No <3 Tell Oliver we said hi!
July 18 4:17 pm
Shane
Thank you all for coming! And for the presents, even though we said to just donate to the Irina foundation
Cassie
We all donated AND got presents because no matter how much I love you guys, you are really bad at decorating
Selena
Did Nick bring my present?
yes, he was really embarrassed
Lisa
You made Nick give them a gift card to sex shop?
Harris
To a WHAT??
Selena
Well forgive me for trying to take care of my friends’ sexual health. I know sex lives can very dull once you get married.
will not be problem for us
but thank you, we will use the gift
Shane
Ilya, you can’t just say that
Lisa
To be fair, I think Selena gets the same thing as everyone’s wedding present
Selena
Yes, because I’m a good friend like that
I would say Eva, you’re next, but with the speed Harris and Troy are going, it might be him
Harris
Sometimes I forget all of you are kind of batshit crazy, not just Eva
Yuki
You know, you talking shit about Eva doesn’t really work after last night
*A video of Eva and Harris singing while basically sitting in each other’s laps, arms around each other*
Eva
Ew
you are not good at being a hater, eva
Eva
Noooo, Ilya, look away, Harris is and will always be my nemesis
okay
Shane
To be fair, you’re not that good of a hater either, Ilya
what are you talking about?
Shane
Scott Hunter?
he is the worst
he is ancient and bad at hockey and I hate him
Shane
Last time you were in a room with him, you were hugging him
Hollander
this is a lie
Eva
Ha! Ilya Rozanov is a fake hater too!!
Hollander stop spreading lies
Hollander I have a reputation
Eva
I’m going to expose you on Twitter
that would be worse than outing us was
Harris
People knowing you like Scott Hunter would be worse than your and Shane’s relationship being outed to the whole world?
yes
I’m not ashamed about loving Shane
loving shane is the best part of me
Yuki
I would cry but I think I’m too dehydrated to do that
Caitlin
Ilya, that was very beautiful, what the hell
I would be ashamed about being associated with a dinosaur like Hunter
Cassie
Anddd he’s back
Ottawa WAGs
July 23 3:12 am
Cassie
Hi, is anyone up right now?
Shane
Yes, what’s up?
Cassie
Is there any possibility that you and/or Ilya could come here and look after Milo for some time? My mom is in the hospital for an emergency surgery and Zane is in LA visting his cousin and my mom’s had two surgeries in the past year already and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. You can bring Anya too, Milo loves that dog
Shane
We’ll be there in twenty minutes
Ilya will drive you to the hospital
Cassie
Thank you guys
July 23 5:34 am
Lisa
Oh my god, is your mom okay, Cassie?
Cassie
She’s still in surgery and the doctors keep updating me but my brain is a mush and I’m afraid I’m missing something
Lisa
Do you need me to be there with you?
Cassie
I don’t want to be a bother
Lisa
That’s not what I asked
Give me fifteen minutes, I’ll be there
Cassie
Thanks, Lis
July 23 7:09 am
Caitlin
Shit, is there any update on Cassie’s mom?
Lisa
She’s out of surgery now and doing okay
Caitlin
Oh thank God
How’s Cassie?
Lisa
Much better now, she’s on the phone with Zane while he’s waiting for his plane
July 23 9:18 am
Cassie
Mom is doing alright, she just needs some help around the house when she gets released in a few days, so she’ll come live with us for a while
Selena
That’s good <3 Do you need anything?
Cassie
If you guys could make some freezer foods that are gluten-free and vegan for her, that would be great because I have no idea how to make those
Yuki
We got you <3
July 23 11:53 am
Cassie
Thank you all, I appreciate you all so much! <3
Amelia
We take care of our own, you know that
Cassie
Ilya and Shane, I’ll be home in a few hours, sorry for having you babysit this long
Shane
Don’t worry about it, we love taking care of Milo!
Cassie
Has he been alright?
Shane
Yes, he’s still alright, just as he was an hour ago when you last called
He’s currently sleeping on top of Ilya on the couch
Cassie
Aww, can I get a picture?
Shane
*A picture of Ilya with a sleeping five-month-old Milo on his chest, Anya sleeping next to them with her head on Ilya’s thigh*
Cassie
<33
Amelia
Damn Shane, how do you look at that and not immediately start ovulating?
Shane
That’s not physically possible
Gabriela
Oh Ilya in dad mode might be my new favorite Ilya
Eva
I support all of you getting babies, because I’m sure as hell not doing that, but I want to be an aunt for an army of kids
Shane
Guys, we are just babysitting
July 23 6:17 am
Cassie
Ilya and Shane made me take a nap when I got home and they made me dinner while I was sleeping, cleaned the kitchen and now they’re on a walk with Milo and Anya
I think I fell in love with both of them a little honestly
Amelia
Girl, get in line
Ottawa WAGs
July 29 3:12 am
Yuki
I think we should have a sleepover
Caitlin
Oh my god, yes please
Gabriela
Yes, pleaseee
Amelia
I’m in 100%
Lisa
Only if we get matching pyjamas
Selena
And we must have a spa day too
Eva
And we play truth or dare
Yuki
YES!!!!
Lisa
Okay, the boys have been awfully quiet
Eva
Yeah, are you scared of sleepovers or what?
Harris
My sisters used to have sleepovers all the time, I didn’t
Selena
You’ve never been at a sleepover?
Harris
No
Shane
Does sharing a hotel room count as a sleepover?
Yuki
No?!
Shane
Then no
Gabriela
Ilya?
no
Eva
Is that a boy thing or just you guys thing?
Shane
I didn’t really have many friends as a kid
my father was very strict
Harris
Wait, does sharing a hospital room with other kids count as a sleepover?
Yuki
You guys make me so sad :(
Gabriela
I think this just means we have to make their first sleepover the best sleepover ever
Cassie
We’re going to be having so much fun!!!
Harris
Should we be scared?
Amelia
Yes
Yuki
Yes
Eva
Yes
Gabriela
Yes
Family
August 5 5:46 pm
David
Please tell me what the girls and Harris thought about the cookies, I wasn’t really sure about the recipe
I already tasted one, it was really good
David
Really? Not too much cinnamon?
just the right amount
Shane complained about me eating in the car though :(
David
Yuna does that too, she doesn’t understand that sometimes food tastes better in cars
Yuna
You get crumbs everywhere!
David
And I always vacuum after!
Yuna
Fine.
Have fun at the sleepover and give them all our love!
thank you! remember to give anya her good night kisses!!
Yuna
We always do <3
Family
August 5 9:12 pm
Yuna
Ilya, why did you tweet “Shane Hollander is the best player in the league”
I mean, you’re right, but are you guys fighting or something?
truth and dare :(
Yuna
It’s truth or dare
Shane
Usually, but these people are insane and we are doing both at the same time
David
Sounds fun!
Ottawa Centaurs
August 5 9:47 pm
Shane
I’m really glad you aren’t as bad as you were last year because I would’ve been really embarrassed to join the team then
Bood
...Thanks, Shane
Hazy
Oh! Thanks?
Dykstra
Thanks, bud
August 5 10:24 pm
LaPointe
I’m guessing Yuki made y’all play truth or dare
Troy
Oh, that explains the stuff Harris has been texting me
Boyle
I still can’t believe you guys are hanging out with the WAGs
Haas
I want to hang out with the wags too :(
date a player then, haazy
I’m taken, pick another
Haas
I wouldn’t have picked you anyway :/
yes, you would’ve picked hollander
he’s mine, I don’t share
Bood
Dude, stop bullying the child
Haas
I’m not a child!
Jane
March 30 2:45 am
women are evil
Just because they made us sleep in different sides of the room because they “didn’t trust we wouldn’t try to do sexy stuff” doesn’t mean they’re evil
And besides, they’re probably right
wow
you couldn’t keep your hands off me even for one night?
You know I couldn’t
Ottawa WAGs
August 6 2:47 am
Lisa
Stop sexting each other and go to sleep
Shane
We are NOT doing that
Lisa
Okay, show me your texts
Shane
Uhh…
Lisa
Good night!
good night
Shane
Good night
August 6 7:49 am
Eva
Oh my god, you guys are freaky as hell
Gabriela
And I was deep asleep next to Shane while they were doing that… Wow
Shane
We weren’t doing anything!
Cassie
Uh-huh
Eva
I don’t think I believe you after a certain confession about a phone call to your lovely, innocent friend Hayden while Ilya was doing some not so innocent things
Shane
I’m seriously never telling you guys anything from now on
Eva
That’s alright, Ilya will :)
Shane
And besides, whose idea was it to have us all sleeping in the living room when there’s at least four bedrooms in this house?
Yuki
It’s a sleepover, we have to sleep in the same room!
Caitlin
Since you’re up Shane, I’m putting you on breakfast duty as punishment for your freakiness
Shane
We weren’t doing anything!!!
Caitlin
And wake up your husband as a punishment for horniness
Shane
Fine
August 6 8:39 am
breakfast is ready
there is butter in the eggs even though Shane said no
Gabriela
Fuck Shane and his healthy eggs, thanks Ilya
Ottawa WAGs
August 18 7:27 am
Eva
Shane, did I ever tell you that your mom is really hot?
Harris
It’s seven in the fucking morning
Shane
No and please stop talking
Eva
You guys are so unsupportive of my interests
Shane
Get other interests than my mom???!!!!
Ottawa WAGs
August 23 4:12 pm
Amelia
Guess who’s officially a WAG again?
Selena
You and Oliver are actually dating now?
Amelia
Yes, we are!!
Gabriela
YAY!!!!
Amelia
And I don’t want to jinx it, but I feel like this might last
Well, you know what, compared to Tanner, Oliver is much better at lasting if we’re being honest
Eva
Damn, so have we finally entered the hating on Tanner era?
Amelia
Yeah, actually
He was an asshole and manchild
he’s bad player, makes sense he is bad boyfriend too
I have seen him in the showers, there’s not a lot to miss
Caitlin
Ilya, oh my God…
Amelia
Fuck Ilya, we are keeping you forever
Ottawa WAGs
August 28 4:26 pm
Selena
Okay, is anyone else’s man getting on their nerves today for some reason
Caitlin
Yes
Lisa
Yes
Shane
Yes
Hollander what the fuck
Cassie
I just want a moment of peace and quiet, I can’t wait for the season to start
Gabriela
Couldn’t they just go somewhere and annoy each other?
Eva
We can just send them to Ilya and Shane’s house
Shane
No, you can’t?
Amelia
They can have a man WAG night
A HUB night?
Selena
And they can take the kids with them too
Cassie
Yes, the Hollander-Rozanov daycare for men and children
Shane
I literally did not agree to this
they can come, it’s fine
Yuki
You can come here and let Ilya deal with that all, Shane
Shane
Okay! Then yes, please send your problems to my house, my husband will deal with them :)
wait what
Caitlin
Thanks Ilya!
Eva
Love you, Ilya!!
Gabriela
Thank you!!
you are welcome
August 28 7:49 pm
Lisa
How’s everyone’s day going?
Selena
I took a bubble bath and I’m watching a TV show with zero cartoon characters in it
Cassie
I’m sitting alone in silence and it’s glorious
Yuki
Smoking weed with Shane
Eva
No way you corrupted good boy Shane
Yuki
Trust, that boy doesn’t need any corruption
me and your men and children are doing fine, thanks for asking
Eva
Don’t pretend you aren’t having the time of your life with them
yes but I’m still mad at all of you
Eva
No, you’re not
no I’m not
Jane
August 28 8:02 am
do you think we should have children?
Do you really want to have this conversation over text?
yes and while you are high
You know my answer. Some day.
do you think I would be a good dad?
You will be. You’re great with kids and you care about the people you love more than anyone I know.
I’m just scared
Of what?
of being like my father was
You’re so kind and so loving. I don’t think there’s a universe where you are even close to your father
But I get it, I’m afraid too. Well, not of being like my parents because my parents are great, but maybe being too much like me. Like maybe I will be too strict and boring and my kids will hate me because of that. Or that I’ll make them view themselves the same way I view myself. Wanting to be too perfect, I don’t know
you will be a great dad, sweetheart
maybe we can be afraid together?
Yeah, I’d like that
What made you think about all of this?
Hollander, I have seven children in my house while you abandoned me to get high with Yuki
Oh yeah, I forgot I did that
You’re lucky I love you
I love you too <3
Ottawa WAGs
August 29 9:57 am
Selena
Now the kids won’t stop asking when they’ll see uncle Ilya next
Gabriela
Mine are watching “Ilya Rozanov’s best goals” video right now
Okay now I’m watching it with them and damn, he’s really good
I know
tell the kids uncle Ilya will be here whenever but uncle Shane will be too and he will stop them from eating too much candy
Shane
Stop threatening the children with me being responsible
Ottawa WAGs
September 4 7:33 pm
Shane
Okay, something happened, please don’t be mad
Caitlin
You know, you saying “please don’t be mad” is already pissing me off, but do tell
Shane
The guys from the Montreal team invited me to dinner to “clear the air”
Selena
They did what??
Eva
How dare those little fuckers
Shane
I said yes
Lisa
?????
Yuki
Shane, honey, why are you doing this to yourself?
Shane
I don’t know, maybe I just want to hear them out
They used to be like brothers to me
Harris
You know you don’t owe them anything, right?
Shane
I know
But I feel like they might owe me something
Gabriela
What? They’re going to give you some bullshit excuse about why they did what they did and then it will be just sunshine and rainbows?
Shane
No, I know it won’t be like that
Lisa
Please say Ilya is going with you, at least
we are currently fighting about this
but yes I am
Shane
I can handle them, they were my friends
and they are not anymore. I’m not letting you go there alone
Cassie
Please Shane, you need someone there who has your back
Shane
JJ and Hayden will be there
Eva
Yeah, and they will probably want to be some middle ground or some bullshit
Either you take Ilya or we are all coming there, want it or not
Shane
Damn, alright. I guess Ilya can come with
Eva
Good. And Ilya, please be so fucking mean to them all that they leave crying and quit hockey in shame
I will
Ottawa WAGs
September 7 11:54 pm
Shane
We’re home
Yuki
How did it go?
Shane
Well, first of all, they clearly hadn’t been prepared for Ilya to be there, so that was quite a shock to them
Amelia
Okay so they’re dumb as fuck, we knew this
Shane
Second of all, there were like half of them there. The rest didn’t even bother trying with any kind of reconciliation
Gabriela
I want them to burn in Hell
Shane
At first it was really awkward. But Hayden and JJ did their best and it was fine for a while
Lisa
Until….?
Shane
Until I snapped
Harris
Woah, really?
really. it was really hot
Shane
They just kept giving Ilya the cold shoulder and I had had enough. I don’t even remember half of the stuff I said, but I did tell them that both me and Ilya were better hockey players than any of them could ever even imagine being.
Then I told them that their team would be nothing without me and that just because I fell in love with the guy that the league had decided was my enemy, doesn’t make me less of a player.
Then I called them all pathetic losers who would never again feel what it was like to win the Cup because they wouldn’t be able to do it without me.
Gabriela
Shane, you are the most amazing person ever
Eva
Damn that was beautiful
Yuki
I wanna be in the room where it happens :(
Cassie
You can’t hear me but I’m giving you a standing ovation right now
Harris
Fuck Montreal!!
fuck montreal!!
Shane
Yeah, fuck Montreal
Ottawa WAGs
September 8 1:12 pm
Yuki
I know just the thing we need right now :)
Amelia
Everytime Yuki gets an idea everyone should be scared
Yuki
It’s been so long since our last pottery class :) and Ilya has never been on one :)
Shane
I’m never going to do that ever again
But please take Ilya, I need him humbled
Yuki
That’s alright, we’d love to spend some time with just Ilya, actually
Shane
Okay now I’m getting worried
I will do it
Yuki
Yay!
Ottawa WAGs
September 12 5:12 pm
Caitlin
Shane, I have really bad news
Shane
What?
Caitlin
Ilya is actually really naturally talented in pottery
Shane
What.
Amelia
He’s really good. Like I was distracted by how good he was
Gabriela
No but like imagine going to your first pottery class ever and being a fucking superstar from the beginning
Cassie
He’s so talented, I’m still in shock
Shane
Are you serious?
Lisa
No, he was just as bad as you were
Selena
Like comically bad
Eva
You two are made for each other
I was bad on purpose
didn’t want to make my husband jealous with my pottery skills
he is already jealous about my hockey skills
Harris
Sure…
Family
September 12 7:35 pm
*A photo of both Shane and Ilya’s ugly flower pots next to each other*
David
I like them, they have character
Yuna
At least you both have other talents <3