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She’s been awake for approximately 20 minutes now, staring at the pale gray kitchen wall in front of her during an early morning, one of her fingers barely hitting on the wooden table in front of her keeping a sort of rhythm to keep herself grounded in the moment. Mafuyu’s brain feels more disoriented than usual, although she doesn’t know to credit that to essentially just waking up or if something else is the cause – as this is definitely strange. Mafuyu’s morning routine was mostly normal, sitting up out of that same creaky bed, stretching her arms and legs a bit, before heading up to take a brief shower – getting herself (or more so that person) ready for the day, blue eyes staring back at her yet again, a familiar routine. She tied the light gray hair up today, as she didn’t want to risk it getting in the way again, something she’s encountered before. A small container of leftovers Mafuyu assumes was made by that girl currently sits before her, faintly warm after a quick spin in the microwave. After a moment, Mafuyu picks up a spare carrot with a fork she rummaged through a couple cupboards to find – its texture firm with a sweet flavor to it, yet another thing that Mafuyu’s mind already knows makes her inadequate. She eats the rest of it without comment, either aloud or in her internal dialogue. After placing the now empty container in the sink (making sure to give it a quick clean beforehand), Mafuyu aimlessly wanders back to that table, as she’s not sure what else to do this morning. She figures for a second that she could attempt some of that person’s schoolwork again, as there must be some due assignment coming up. A different thought interrupts her own, however, sudden and striking:
“What do you think you’re doing here?”
It takes Mafuyu a moment to focus, freezing in place for a split second, hands laying flat and limp on the table in front of her before she eventually decides to respond, as this very much is unusual. She opens her mouth, hesitating before managing to utter a word out: a simple “What?”, as she does her best to internally ignore how soft and unnatural her voice sounds. It’s that person’s voice, like it always is – as no change in tone or pitch will ever change that fact, despite how much she wishes it would. Mafuyu’s fully aware that this stray thought could have a simple explanation, a small moment of sleep deprivation left over from that person affecting her waking life, or a simple intrusive thought and nothing more. Perhaps Mafuyu’s just simply losing her mind, succumbing to delusions and madness and –
“Calm down. You’re aware of Kanade, so why would you be losing your mind now? Keep it together.”
Mafuyu flinches slightly upon hearing that name, but finds herself following the beginning of those instructions at the very least – starting up that same faint rhythm from earlier with a random finger to keep herself grounded and in an attempt to calm herself down. She continues staring blankly at the wall, taking a second to collect her thoughts. Some vague part of Mafuyu’s blurry mind seems to suddenly assign a name to this thought, this voice – Samsa. The rest of what Mafuyu’s barely aware of fills into her head at that realization, although none of it is really defined: short glimpses of memories she knows aren’t hers, and a rough image in her mind of someone who looks similar to the reflection Mafuyu always sees in the mirror – that person – although different in some ways, as her clothes are definitely different. Samsa seems to be more knowledgeable about her existence than the inverse. Mafuyu attempts to speak out loud again, but Samsa interrupts her.
“You don’t need to say anything, I already got all of that. I’m glad you still remember me, at least. Kanade’s still too focused on composing these days to care about much else, but we got out earlier this week to hang out with friends. You know, the Nightcord ones.”
Mafuyu doesn’t really think or comment on that, as she doesn’t know what she could say. She doesn’t know how to feel about Samsa, as on one hand, she’s appreciative to have someone else in this moment with her – a simple respite from the loneliness she feels so often – but the reminder of that person causes that same hazy sense of sickness in her throat. This time, however, she doesn’t acknowledge it. Mafuyu simply just rests her head in her arms, feeling the slight sensation of the same dark blue jacket that person always wears. For a moment, she considers the faint sense of comfort she feels from it – before her mind moves on like it always does.
“What’s the deal between you and Kanade anyways? Did something happen between you two?”
She murmurs out a response (as her head is still resting in between her arms), the explanation dying on Mafuyu’s lips before she’s even able to get her words out. Even the explanation is an example of her failures, as she isn’t able to explain something that should be so easily understood. It’s something instinctual for her, a feeling she’s had in the back of her mind since the moment Mafuyu first glanced at the face in the mirror and realized that the person staring back wasn’t her. Despite everything about her existence saying that she’s Mafuyu Asahina – the face in her memories, the voice she hears when she focuses on the thoughts in her head – she knows that she’s incomplete, a fake, and that she’ll always be one. Some days, Mafuyu finds her mind wondering about what it would be like if she could truly interact with that person, or perhaps even Yuki – what she’d say, what she’d do, all of it.
“I don’t think they’d hate you at all. Kanade wouldn’t, at the very least. They’re too kind for that.”
The idea of talking with either of them brings that sickness back, as Mafuyu feels that all too familiar spike of annoyance, before the odd phantom sensation of someone’s arms wrapping around her overwhelms her – bringing yet another moment of relief to her chaotic mind. It’s Samsa, in some way, in a desperate attempt to keep her grounded. A short “it’s okay” resonates in Mafuyu’s mind, as Samsa continues talking to her softly, gently. Mafuyu finds that she gets up from the table without conscious thought, grabbing a water bottle from the nearby fridge and taking a fast sip of it. It’s cool and cold against her parched throat. She didn’t realize how long it’s been since she last drank anything, as time simply passed.
“Really, you should take a break for a bit. I don’t want you stressing yourself out.”
Mafuyu nods, placing the now empty water bottle in her hand onto the counter-top in front of her, as her mind feels a lot more cloudy all of a sudden. Mafuyu feels tired, although she doesn’t exactly feel like heading back to that bedroom currently. That strange feeling of spacing out feels both sudden and slow simultaneously, a period of intensity for a single moment before you’re finally able to really feel your arms and legs, stretching them out in a way similar to how you know Mafuyu always does it. It’s always a bit confusing at first, but you’ve become used to it by now. You hope that she will eventually as well.
As soon as you can sense that she’s gone (something you’ve gotten better at confirming over time), you move your arms up slightly, starting to untie the ponytail that Mafuyu always tends to do up when she’s around. You’re happy that you were able to talk to her for once, as she has a tendency to panic easily. You figure that you’ll be the one to handle the schoolwork this specific day, as the last time Mafuyu attempted as such didn’t go the best, although you won’t hold that against her – especially now that you understand how Mafuyu feels about herself. The only time you’ve been able to communicate with Kanade was hazy – a split second of letting them know how you felt about Yuki’s mother – was fine, as they were nice. They possibly just assumed that you were only a random thought in their head, which you’re fine with, if it means that they’ll be alright even for a moment.
Your thoughts are interrupted by the phone laying nearby lighting up, showing some regular good morning messages from Nightcord. Mafuyu should be thankful that you’re the one who handled that mess she created, under the guise of just simply being “exhausted”. You decide to pretend for a little bit, at least, making your way towards Kanade’s room to play your role for the time being – something you’ve always done. You’ll keep looking after all of them.