Chapter Text
"I knew I shouldn't have gotten a job!" Leon Kennedy was seated on an empty tub in the back room of Starbucks counting the seconds until his lunch break ended. He paused 'Guess' by Bullet eyelash and Charo coach XoX on his Pink IPod shuffle before heaving himself upwards. It wasn't like he needed a job, just like he didn't need to eat. Technically he could Pimp himself out like Luis was doing, but he wasn't sure if that would be worse or not. But if he had to hand another Stanley wielding, Drunk Elephant hoarding, snot nosed 8 year old a fucking triple shot Frappuccino he would lay himself on the sidewalk with a little sign on his back saying, "Prostitute"
A little bell above his head rung out the tune of Giver by Chappelle Roann signaling his break is over. God why did his manager insist on playing dramatic lesbian music in a fucking Starbucks. His music was so much better. (He only had two playlists and one of them was just Glass Animals /neg)
Leon went out to front of the store and immediately regretted everything he ever did.
"Fuck, I should've been a prostitute." Leon muttered. In front of him was an entire display of gay German porn "this is so humiliating."
"Leon!!! I'm so glad ur here dude, I need u to move all of the pornos to the back room where only I can see them XP" his stupid bitch ass manager, Ashley called out to him.
"why tf r these here Ashley???" Leon asked before holding up his hand,"nvm I don't wanna know the answer to that." he sighed before lifting the entire thing with only his thumb. He hated this. He hated his manager. He hated the freaky customers who groped him.
He dragged the collection to the back, placing it next to the tub he had been sitting on only a moment before. He called from the back,
"Hey Ashley! I'm gonna go home early and then shoot myself, k?"
"Capiche, superstar!" she yelled back. Leon rolled his eyes and drove to an alleyway. Then he took out his hello kitty handgun named, "Matthew" (his handgun Matilda had transitioned) and then fucking shot himself.
***
Pain.
That was certainly a present and accounted for feeling coursing through his body. His body felt like someone had grabbed an exposed wire hooked up to his fucking nerve endings, which is to say he really wished he was dead.
Leon tried to push through the all encompassing emotion, gritting his teeth he shakingly opened his eyes only to get flash banged by the sun.
"God fucking damnit!!!!" Leon cursed at the sun, at his situation, at his life. Wait a minute.... "Why the actual fuck am I alive?" he had pulled the trigger, felt it blast his head open. His brains spewing out, landing everywhere in a 10 foot radius. He could swear he still felt a lazy sludge of blood and brain matter down his head, yet when he reached up to run his fingers through it, they came back empty.
That was probably fine, he guessed
It finally came to him, that he may want to check out his surrounding. This may just be because he's in heaven. (Yeah right)
His eyes roamed over the bloody scene before him, he was laying down in a pool of his blood and brain fluids, splattered against the cold cement in the alleyway he had trudged to after his shift. It looked just like one would imagine a shot gun to the head would look like. A little less pixelated glitter than he would think, maybe Tumblr had been lying to him?
Leon laid his head back against the cement, short puffs of breath forcing their way out of his lungs. His hairs stood on end, something felt wrong here. Leon lifted his eyes to look above him, a gasp hitched in his throat.
Right there, standing over him, was an actually humongous, fucking LeBron James looking ass grey thing!
"How the hell did I not notice that?" Leon immediately sprang up, his head felt the opposite of stellar with the movement. His arms held out against him in a defensive measure. After getting a good look at the thing, he noticed a huge black trench coat stretched over thick grey skin, a smart looking Fedora titled tastefully over it's face.
Leon S Kennedy fainted. (Probably out of lust)
***
No rest for the weary, no sick days for the suicidal.
He had a super weird dream last night about grey LeBron James, and he didn't remember how he got home and why he had been tucked in with his Thursday blanket when it was obviously a Wednesday, but honestly he didn't really care.
Leon put on his Starbucks™ certified Bratz™ Thong, and his Barbie Bikini Top™ which Ashley insisted helped his tips, Leon thought it certainly helped tips, just not the money kind. Wink wink.
It was only his 9,999th day on the job, so he was still learning the basics. Like, if his Manager disappeared during her shift he should not open the broom closet door, because suddenly, all the gay European porn stacked in the corner was gone.
He glanced down at the time, only 8 hours until the end of his shift! He knew this because on his Demon Slayer Cock the little hand was pointing down, and his erection was pointing up. clocks were so easy!
He shoved a tea towel in his mouth, screamed super duper loud, and then went to put things into stuff for suburban moms with spray tans that should legally count as blackface.
His shift was going great, honestly. Nobody has physically assaulted him with coffee or their limbs yet, he honestly had no idea how he didn't look like Two-Face from Batman yet. He hovered over a table ready to ask if they needed a refill when suddenly his Spidey-Sense™ went off like crazy!! Was this what Paul Sheldon felt when he heard Annie Wilkens truck on the driveway? Leon thought as much. He turned around super slowly, half expecting another creep mistaking him for a prostitute to 'proposition' him. (God he sometimes wished he had taken up Lois on his offer) yet when Leon turned around he was literally face-to-crotch with like- a black trenchcoat? He titled his head up and-
BOOMBAYAH‼️‼️‼️ WHO IS THIS?!? In front of Leon was that huge fuckin' dude he saw in alley before he fainted. Holyyyy shit he looks like a burn victim cosplaying as one of those demons from Homestuck. Too bad Leon totally has a kink for that, its called, "burnophilia, Taylors version".
He had probably been standing in awestruck silence for some time, because the UNIT of a man started to speak.
"Excuse me sugar-tits, could you kindly direct me to the manager of this fine establishment? It shall only take a moment."
What the fuck.
"Y-yeah, right this wa-' Leon stuttered out, before remembering where Ashley currently was. If this fine, fine, gentlemen saw Ashley totally jorking it to gay German glitter orgies he would get demoted to like- broom closet clean up! 'Aaaactually I totally forgot our manager is out getting her nails done! Uhm, I'd be happy to take over?" The Ginormous man paused for a moment, looked Leon up and down just slow enough that it made him very uncomfortable but not quite long enough for Leon to call the popo up in 'ere.
"Yes i suppose this offer is sufficient to my standards," a pause "...and my needs." holy shit this guy was so weird, if only it didn't totally turn him on! The giant man continued before Leon could worry about that. "Although you're excellently womanly and feminine and womanly manager has already been informed I've been looking to do some... Renovating in this humble abode."
"Renovating?" Leon twiddled his thumbs and looked pretty stupid asking, across the board.
"Yes renovating. Something a little more... Invigorating." the gigantasouras man's smile made Leon sympathize with the pinned bugs above the door. Ashley liked to name them after dead pop stars. He specifically sympathized with the 'Prince' butterfly because it was pinned right next to the 'Madonna' Rhino Beetle. (Ashley had said Madonna was dead in her heart")
"So, like, invigorating how?" Leon stupidly asked like a stupid person would. The Ginourmous man peered down at him for a few moments before grinning like the cat who got the milk.
"Are you familiar with the Walmart Enterprise?" he paused 0.2 seconds before continuing "I'm the heir to the Kingpin title, I keep people in line... And other stuff too, I just can't remember rn."
"Ah, I get that. I swear I have a lot of jobs to do here but I always forget! Ashley has to keep reminding me to not microwave metal, haha!" the burn victim guy looked amused at Leon's twinkish jabbering before nodding solemnly at him.
"Part of our expansion process is putting several Sex Dungeons withing a 3 mile radius of every Walmart. This.. Quaint little shop will be one of our first. Truly you must feel honored to be put in such a position!"
"A WHAT NOW?" poor Leon was dungeon phobic, ever since playing Minecraft at the ripe age of 9 he had been terrified of them. Unfortunately the grey man whose nametag read 'Mr Xellanderiff' seemed to misread his terror of dungeons for inexperience in that other thing.
"Surely you must overcome such a vibrant reaction if you are to work in this sparkling new establishment! It shall surely pay better than whatever that bimbo is paying you now." at hearing the word bimbo NOT directed at him, Leon broke out of his stupor due to astonishment.
"Oh no, Mr Xellanderiff! I wasn't talking about that other thing, I'm actually just terrified of-" the hulkingly muscular and also moderately huge man shushed him, placing a finger that istg was bigger than Leon's arm against his lips.
"Leon, if you're going to work here you're going to need a Glow-Up like in mean girls. And... A little more experience ;-) I'll pick you up at 8:00 tonight, wear something fancy." with that he turned around turningly and left Leon, wondering what the actual fuck just happened.
He rushed over to the Broom Closet once the grotesquely huge man had left the building. He knocked several times before waiting a respectable amount of time. Ashley eventually came out of the closet (hah!) looking very irritated.
"What do you want, dude?" behind her he could see her Disney Princess VCR on a pause screen, he still didn't know why she insisted on watching porn on old tapes. Something about them being 'more authentic' or some shit.
"Ashley, did you know our shop was being turned into a Sex DUNGEON?" he pitched his voice higher on the last word, even saying it was scary😧
"I mean, yeah? They're paying me in Carne Asada fries, and papa LIKES carne Asada fries." she knew he hated it when she referred to herself as 'papa' but it only every seemed to spur her on more. What a prick. Still though, those fries WERE good..
"How many fries are we talking here?"
"More than you could dream of eating." she answered seriously. Holy shit he was salivating. "Hey wait, who told you about the Sex Dunge- I mean- the sex place?"
"Oh, that deformed Homestuck cosplayer. He also asked me out tonight? On a date I think? I don't even think I have a choice.. I bet there's a word for that... Oh well"
"Whoa whoa whoa, are you gonna go?" her eyes brightened immediately at the mention of a date, Leon worried about his manager sometimes.
"Did you not hear the part where I don't have choice? Of course I'm going I don't want to get hunted down by the Walmart enterprise! I've read those One Direction mafia fanfictions, I know what happens to guys like me(in prison)!"
"Why do I feel like we read different One Direction mafia fanfictions..." she pondered quietly, before directing her attention back to the problem at hand. "Okay, well you know that burn victim LeBron James is totally loaded, right? Imagine how many Carne Asada fries you could buy on your date! Not looking like that of course, but still." she eyes him up and down disapprovingly while she spoke.
"Whoa, dude, what's wrong with what im- oh wait you have a point." he looked down at himself, he was still wearing his work uniform which still consisted of a thong and not much else. "Well what should I wear? I don't have much time between my shift and our date to get ready." Ashley clapped her hands together excitedly, squealing in girlish glee.
"Oh my God I could totally give you a makeover!! We can go ahead and close up shop, it's not like anybody hot has been through here today anyways. I'm gonna make you so hot!"
"How do you know nobody hot has been through here? You've been watching cowboy porn all day."
"I have like, hotness echolocation. Like a sexy bat or something. Also it was mermaid porn, not cowboys. They fuck through their blowholes or something." she responds tersely. Leon can imagine her clicking like the zombies in The Last of Us and sensing the baddies, and unfortunately it checks out. That one day Ethan Hawke ordered coffee here she was the first one to the register even though he swears she's gay.
They close up shop without much hassle, and head over to Leon's one room apartment to get ready for his ♡+*Ɗɑɫë*+♡ his only kitchen appliances are a toaster and a single spatula, and his bed doesn't even have a mattress it's just a huge pile of blankets he stole from bad one night stands. It works every time all you have to do is 'accidenly' lose all yours clothes and go "oh no! Well I can't walk home naked, I guess you'll have to let me borrow your bestest, softest blanket so I can survive the elements!" and the fools fall for it. (I did actually manage to do this once, it was really funny)