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You are not my daughter
You are not my daughter
You are not my daughter
You are not my daughter
You are not my daughter
These words echoed inside Agatha's head at a very young age. Her mother would remind her of this every single time, because for her, Agatha shouldn't have been born.
She wished to have a boy, always a boy, always little "Andy", and she used to get angry at her own daughter. There were little moments she would be happy thought, when little Agatha fell off her horse and cried all day long, but her crying annoyed her as well, of course.
That day was the day her mother gave her a gift, but it wasn't a special date; It was to make Agatha stop crying.
"Here, now stop making that ridiculously annoying sound and go to your room, child." Agatha took the box from her mother's hands, looked at her with watery eyes, and went to her bedroom, one of the few places she would feel safe, sat on her bed, and opened it, and there she was, a rag doll, she had a happy face, a beautiful blue dress, red yarn hair, which kinda reminded her of licorice, that made her giggle, but what caught her attention the most was a big bow on the top of her head, it was jus like her own bow she used to wear.
"hah..hey little one, wanna be my friend?" She stopped crying, "I'm Agatha, what's your name?" She looked again to the bow in her head and thought for a brief moment... You're just like me.
"Well, I know a name that will suit you just fine, how about... Ragatha?" It was a little clever for a little girl to think of joining her own name to a Rag doll. "Hah...did you like it?"
Then their story began. Ragatha was Agatha's best friend ever since the box was opened. Agatha used to take her doll everywhere, even when doing her house chores.
And while riding her horse wasn't different, they both rode the horse like there was no tomorrow, but during a brief moment, Agatha let Ragatha slip through her arms, and she fell on the floor.
"Ragatha! Don't worry, I'll get you." But as she was dismounting from the horse, she tripped, unsure whether the horse was too tall or she was too short. Agatha fell on the floor harshly, her face hit a rock, and before she could do anything, everything went black.
When she woke up, she was in her bedroom, lying alone. She opened her eyes, but something was off... she couldn't see well, she stood up, a little bit weak, and walked to her dressing table just to see an awful eye patch covering her right eye, it was swollen and red around the bandage, so she didn't dare to take it off, suddenly she hears voices from behind the door, it's her parents arguing, again, her mother is evil even with her own husband.
"She can't do anything right, Charles! This girl is useless! If she were a boy, this wouldn't happen so often. She just knows how to cry!" She says with a lot of anger in her words
"Lilly, please... she is just a child, and she's wonderful! It's not her fault that you wanted a bo-"
"NONSENSE, she is a disgrace-" Her mother was silenced by a slap; everything was quiet then.
Agatha slowly opens the door and looks at both of them. Her mother is crying and gasps to see her; on the other hand, her father is calm, a little bit angry at her mother, but opens his arms and hugs little Agatha.
"How are you feeling, my daughter?" He asks her with such a warm voice that she feels loved. These were the brief moments that she felt love in that house.
It wouldn't last much, though. In about a month, his father became severely ill, and nothing could be done.
She was all alone now, the only thing that was left for her was her horse and her doll... Ragatha, although during the accident, had lost an eye. Agatha even tried to go to the field to find the missing eye, but was unsuccessful. She gave up and sewed a blue button where the eye should have been. Now they were both identical.
Agatha's eye never fully healed, much less her heart; Her mother always exploited her weaknesses, and now she had a new one, Raghata.
"...Mom, where's Ragatha?" Agatha trembled slightly.
"That filthy doll? I think she went outside with the dogs" Her mother answered with a disgusted smile, that could only mean...
Agatha ran to get Ragatha, before it's too late, and there she was, lying on the dirt, alongside the dogs, they had shredded her into pieces.
"Ragatha, no!" She ran to get her beloved doll, but in the moment she got it, the dogs growled at her. At least they were tied up on leashes, but this didn't prevent Agatha from being hurt.
When she returned to her house, her mother was in the same place, just waiting for her to come. When she looked at Agatha, nothing in her gaze had changed.
But something inside Agatha boiled. How dare she do this? How dare she be like this?
"...H-how DARE YOU?" Agatha spat out, finally all the anger that she had compressed inside her, leaving her mother speechless.
"Is that any way to talk to your superior? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" She yelled back, slapping Agatha as she fell, her mother took Ragatha from her.
"YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME THIS" She started to rip Ragatha more and more, as if it wasn't enough that the dogs had already done part of the work.
"NO PLEASE STOP" Agatha notices her mother is truly enjoying this all.
"Ah, much better! This doll helped me calm down after all." She drops the doll's pieces on the floor, which Agatha calmly picks up, crying, and goes to her room. As she puts all of Ragatha's pieces on the bed, she goes to get her sewing kit.
When she finally sews everything together, she realizes: now they look more alike than ever.
Since that day, everything has been so much more intense. The pressure that was put on Agatha was too much for her to bear; now she was much more pleasing to her mother, always quiet, always obedient, because she knew that one wrong move would result in her friend Ragatha being hurt again.
She can clearly remember the days she would sew her doll again and again, so many stories, so many sad days. Sewing everything back up was what made her feel better.
A very long time has passed since that; now she doesn't have Ragatha, her horse... nor her mother near to hurt her, but some old habits don't fade away, do they?
You are not my daughter, Agahta
Agatha
Agatha
Ragatha
Ragatha
Ragatha
"Ragatha!"
I open my eyes to see a very familiar purple figure. I look around and realize I'm on the ground, his voice is fading away, and coming back, I feel numb, as I try to sit, he stops me and looks almost scared, or angry, I can't describe.
"Leave me alone" I say as I try to stand up again, but I can't somehow. I look at the floor more calmly to see that my leg is not where it's supposed to be. I look further and see a lot of stuffing on the floor, with my leg on the side of it.
"Not before you tell me who did this." He didn't give up, he looks concerned in his own way, but I don't care.
I crawl to get my leg back, and he stops me one more time, stepping in front of me, blocking my way.
"Can you please stop annoying me? Why do you care anyway?" He steps aside, letting me crawl a little bit more towards my leg. Suddenly, he walks there and takes it before I can, before I can say anything, he walks towards me and drops my leg on the floor.
"I don't." he says, looking at me, without any expression at all, waiting for me to do something. It's what it seems."But you owe me a little explanation as to why your guts are splattered all over the floor, don't you think?"
"I don't owe you anything... now leave me, I want some time alone." I lay back on the ground.
"In this case..." He approaches, picks me up, and puts me on his shoulder, then he takes my leg and the remaining stuffing that's on the ground and takes with him.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET ME GO, JAX " He scoffs and walks towards my room. When we arrived at my bedroom door, he simply took out a key and opened the door with ease.
"WHAT?! I think I had taken that key away from you!" He's unbelievable! "And why are we here?"
He puts me on my bed and asks to me "Where do you keep your sewing kit?" What? Is he willing to sew me up?? No way
"Forget it, i can take care of myself!"
"Oh, really? It's not what it seems" He looks at me waiting for an answer.
"It's in that drawer" I point at it, he takes the kit, looks at me, and picks me up again.
"Where are you going?"
"I think you need some fresh air" He giggles. As we arrive at the lake, he puts me gently on the floor and then puts his leg on my side. He sits down, crossing his legs, he opens the sewing kit and looks for some thread and needle.
"Jax, i reall-" he puts his hand on my mouth, shutting me up.
"Shh, just calm down, I'm not bad at sewing, okay?" he looks at the kit once more and finds a tapestry needle and some beige thread. "At least, not that I know." he laughs.
"JAX!'' He laughs louder, takes my leg, and positions it in the torn space. He puts the needle close to it, but then pauses, "Hey, this might hurt a little."
"It doesn't hurt at all" He looks at me with raised eyebrows, and looks again to the 'operation', I've never seen him being so concentrated (and being nice) before.
He starts sewing, and he didn't lie, he actually sews very well. Now and then, he would stop and look at me to see my reaction, if it wasn't hurting me somehow, but I've done this before, multiple times, actually, but no one was able to notice my sewing "scars."
He breaks the silence
"Why did you do it?" He asks firmly, but still doesn't look at me yet; He keeps concentrating on the sewing.
"Did what?"
"I'm not an idiot, you know?" He looks at me with a face he never did before. It was a mix of sadness and accusation, but he doesn't force it; He looks back at my leg.
"Look, I know I can be a jerk sometimes, but I certainly don't wish for anyone to kill themselves out there, I'm not some kind of monster." Those words make my heart sink into my chest. He is being so... not him. He is being nice at least once in a lifetime, and I'm wasting it. The person I despise most is taking care of me. What should I do?
"I'm sorry" that's the only thing that I can manage to say, even though I don't know why I did it... was it to end it all? Or was it because one time I heard my mother say it calmed her down?
"What are you sorry for?" He looks at me to see me facing away. "Hey...you don't need to apologise for anything." He soothes me and grabs my hand, helping me stand up It worked.
"Here, feeling better?" I give a little tap to secure my leg, and I'm walking normally.
"Yeah, I'm okay... thank you for caring for me." He smiled slightly, a beautiful smile, one I'd never seen before. Jax wasn't just a troublemaker; maybe he had a little bit of kindness inside him.
"It was nothing, I only did what anyone would have done." He still looks at me, wondering what is happening inside my head. I look at him one more time, and all I can do is go for a hug. It had been a long time since I'd hugged anyone; I didn't have the confidence to do it. Jax's eyes widen with surprise, but then he hugs me back; the warmth of his body is calming me down. I finally gathered the courage to explain everything to him.
"... Hey Jax, you are right, I think I owe you an explanation-" He hugs me even more, and once again, interrupts me.
"You know you don't have to explain anything to me, Raggs." Then I bury my head in his chest and hug him back. "Not if you don't want to."
He says with such a warm voice that she feels loved. These were the brief moments that she felt love in that circus.
"Thank you, Jax"
"Don't mention it."