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Rebecca waits by the school gate and can’t help but think back to all those years when she secretly hoped to live this. All those distant years when she was convinced she never would. And now she gets to experience it. Just one of the hundreds of gifts that Ted Lasso has brought into her life.
He usually is the one to pick up Henry. After the time he spent apart from his son, of course she wouldn’t mind him skipping training for half an hour everyday for school run. Most days, Henry goes to Nelson Road after school, unless he is invited to his best friend Charlie’s house or if it’s a Thursday - football practice day.
Rebecca is relieved that he is making friends in Richmond, integrating himself into the community he now lives in. However, selfishly, she prefers the days Henry spends his afternoon in her office. He is a chatterbox like his father and thankfully isn’t yet at that age when kids only respond to adults with one-worded sentences. So usually he tells her all about his day while she makes them a hot chocolate, then she helps him do some homework while answering dozens of random questions - a cute trait he definitely takes from his dad. Frankly, Rebecca doesn’t get a lot of work done after 3 pm these days, but she would never trade her Henry time for answering boring emails.
Today, though, the little routine they’ve built had to be changed. An injured player and a full emergency room will do that sometimes. Ted profusely apologised for asking her to pick up Henry until she calmed him down over the phone. As if Henry doesn't spend half his afternoons with her, and many evenings and most weekends too.
He can be so lovingly ridiculous, her man. And to be fair, she probably looks ridiculous too here next to the school gates with the way she is smiling at Ted’s last text message.
Rebecca hears Henry before she can see him in the midst of the crowd of kids and parents blocking her view. She can tell by the levels of excitement in his voice that he is in full storytelling mode, and of course it’s about their recent trip to the Snow Centre - a place she would definitely never go before meeting Ted, but would absolutely come back now, just to see those two boyish smiles that she loves.
“Oh! And then my dad let me snowboard for a bit, inside a building! And like… in summer. It was so bloody awesome, Charles!”
He’s been picking up some British slang in the last months and she finds it utterly adorable.
“How many times did you fall?“
Rebecca recognises Charlie’s voice as he teases Henry.
“I dunno, like maybe ten? I wasn’t counting.”
“Ten times a hundred maybe?”
“Stop it!”
Rebecca can now see the tip of Henry’s head, his dark blonde hair an absolute mess after a school day. Instead of calling for him straight away she decides to give him time to finish his conversation and can’t help but listen to the boys’ shenanigans for a bit.
“I’m just joking, Hen. Uuugh, I wish I could convince my dad that I’m not too young for snowboarding.”
“Oh! I’ve got an idea. Maybe I could help you convince him next time I'm at your place. Like, we could work on some talking points…”
Of course Henry’s first instinct is to offer help, just like his father.
“Like we did for our debate last week?”
“Yeah. Maybe we should do a PowerPoint!”
“What’s a PowerPoint?”
Rebecca practically snorts at that one.
“Never mind… So, we have a deal?”
“Deal!”
She can see them “pinky promising” each other and her heart melts at the innocence of the moment she is witnessing. The two young friends part ways and just before Charlie leaves he clocks her and points to his left.
“Henry, I think your mum is there!”
Rebecca catches her breath and feels like the world stops spinning for a second. It’s a simple and common sentence to anyone who’s around them, but for her it is monumental.
She is prepared for Henry to correct him. To look confused because he knows his mom is in Kansas. To look at her and ask for his dad.
She is not prepared for him to simply respond with a “Oh, yes!”, a run towards her with a full smile on his face and a “Hi, Becca!”.
“Hey, Henry!” she responds with her best attempt at a smile, but her voice sounds quavery.
And of course the sweet boy hugs her, immediately opening her flood of tears.
They don’t hug every time they meet. Rebecca usually goes with Henry’s flow. Sometimes he is in a high five mood, sometimes he just dramatically plops on her sofa after stealing the third biscuit she leaves in the pink box when she knows he’s coming.
But of fucking course, today of all days, he is in a hugging mood.
“Are you crying, Becca?” He asks while they walk towards the car.
“Just… Got something on my eye.” She wipes off one more tear.
Henry looks at her suspiciously for a split second before he starts to recount every single event that happened today, and she is very grateful to have something else to focus her mind on and not replay the event that still has her sniffling.
It’s only when they arrive at Nelson Road and Henry looks through her window that she realises that amidst her own mental rambling she forgot to tell him why Ted wasn’t there.
“Hey, where’s dad?” Henry asks with a curious look that indicates he’s only noticed the change in their routine at this moment, sitting on her couch.
Rebecca tells him all about Maria’s dislocated knee and how his dad took her to the crowded A&E.
“Is she gonna be ok for this weekend’s match?” Henry asks.
“I am afraid not, Henry…” Rebecca sympathises with the boy. “She probably won’t be able to start playing again before she is fully healed. Dislocated knees need time and therapy to recover.”
“So… Just like our hearts?”
Henry asks innocently, too distracted by the training he can see through the window to notice her eyes getting misty again. She needs to take a breath before she confirms:
“Yes, Henry. Just like our hearts.”
The first thing Rebecca feels when hearing that one is pride. She is so proud of this young man and of how emotionally intelligent and kind he is. But she mostly feels guilt. Not for the first time this day.
She feels guilty for being proud of a child she hasn’t raised. For spending so much time with Henry while Michelle is still in Kansas. For the way it felt to hear someone call her mum - a mixture of shock, joy, love and fear that simply couldn’t be translated into just a single word.
A small part of her brain knows that she is being irrational, but her overthinking mode takes over. What if the reason that Ted was so worried this afternoon was because he didn’t want her to pick up Henry. Maybe he doesn’t fully trust her with his son. She wouldn’t blame him, of course.
“After all, she has never been the maternal kind”, a voice which sounds awfully like Rupert reminds her.
Which then leads Rebecca to dissect every single incident where she was taking care of Henry by herself, analysing what she could have done better, where she has failed, as if trying to find enough argument to convince a bloody court that she is not to be trusted with children. She is so stuck in her own trail of negative thoughts, that she doesn’t notice time passing.
She is vaguely aware of Henry sitting on the office couch, focused on his homework and quieter than usual, but is still startled back into reality when the boy approaches her desk.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, love. I got distracted.” Rebecca explains after practically jumping off her chair.
“It’s ok. I made you some hot chocolate. Well, I’ve tried to…” He smiles gently at Rebecca, offering her favourite pink mug, which she takes immediately.
“Oh Henry, you didn’t have to! Why didn’t you ask for me to make you some?”
He shrugs and looks at his own feet - a movement that looks so much like Ted’s that it makes her smile again, despite her mental turmoil.
“I thought you needed one more than I did.”
Rebecca sips some hot chocolate - definitely not the best she’s ever tasted, but one of the most special ones.
“Well, this is delicious, so I am certainly not complaining, but why, Henry?”
“Dad always says that hot chocolate helps when we’re having big feelings.”
“Oh, I see...” Rebecca sighs, looking at her mug for a second.
Of course the perceptive boy in front of her wouldn’t buy her excuses for her emotional mood. And, in his own way, try to offer his help. She could lie, but that would make her feel miserable. She could simply thank him and not say anything, and Henry wouldn’t push her. That is probably what Rebecca from a few years ago would do but she has learned with time and therapy that bottling things up tends to make things worse.
“I suppose I am having big feelings today, Henry. You are very sweet for noticing it.” She breaks the silence looking at him and his carefully curious expression.
“You can tell me if you want. Or dad, I suppose. I mean… You don’t have to. But sometimes it helps.”
“It does help, doesn’t it? Come here,” she points at the sofa and they sit at their usual spots: Rebecca on the left, Henry on the right.
She takes another sip of courage and starts:
“You know that I was once married, right?”
“To the mean guy.” Henry answers instantly, an instinct of protection in his face.
“To the mean guy, yes. I didn’t realise he was mean in the beginning, you see… He pretended to want the same things I wanted in life and it was only after we got married that he started to reveal his true colours.”
“That is manipulation!” Henry supplies; and Rebecca nods, feeling an urge to shield the boy in front of her from living anything close to her old relationship.
“Yes, he was a manipulator. And one of the things he lied about was wanting to have children. I’ve always wanted to be a mum, and not only did he reveal to me that he would never want to have children with me, but he convinced me that I wouldn’t be a good mum. And I believed him, back then.”
“That is a massive lie!” Henry sounds indignant.
“Well, I know that now. But then a couple of years ago, way after my divorce, I found out I could no longer have children of my own and it made me very sad.”
“I’m sorry that you were sad, Becca.”
“Thanks, Hen. And I am very very happy now that your dad and I found each other again, and now that I get to have you as my official office assistant.” She jokes, poking him, to which he rolls his eyes fondly.
“The reason I am telling you all of this is because I overheard you and Charlie talking near the school gate today. And the way he referred to me as your mum.”
Something clicks inside Henry’s brain, she can see it in his eyes, and then he starts rambling.
“I’m so sorry, Becca. I can tell Charlie to not call you my mum ever again and I will try and…”
“No, you don’t have to do that, Henry.” Rebecca stops and reassures him with a hand on his restless leg. “The reason I was having all these big feelings today isn’t the fact that I didn’t like being called your mum. It is the fact that I liked it too much.”
Henry looks very confused at her, which is absolutely fair since he is a young boy and she is an overthinking adult woman with a lot of baggage, so she continues:
“You already have a mum, and I just don’t want you to think that you need to start calling me that, or not correcting your classmates just because I’m near, if that makes sense.”
“I guess it does.” Henry nods pensively. “You kinda are, though. Aren’t you?”
“What am I?”
“My mom. Well, my step mom - I mean, it’s even in the name! And you do everything a mom does. You give me advice, you take care of me while dad is working, you make me hot chocolate and save me one of your biscuits, you help me with my homework…”
“Well, when you put it like that…” Rebecca replies, trying to make the mood lighter even though she is on the verge of tears with his innocent response to her sob story.
“Oh! I’ve just had the best idea!” Henry actually jumps out of the sofa with excitement, making Rebecca giggle in the process. “So… sometimes I miss having someone to call mom here, cause mom isn’t here yet. Also, all my friends have mums, but it feels weird calling mom “mum”. And I know that my mom is happy that you’re here helping take care of me, cause, to be honest, dad sucks at Geography, and English. Plus, you make better tea! And you’ve always wanted to be called a mum, right? So you can be my MUM, and mom continues to be my MOM, get it? If you want it, of course…”
“As long as you want it too?” Rebecca asks, to which he nods immediately. “Then there is nothing I would love more, my sweet boy.”
She gets up and hugs him and the flood of tears starts, but she is not trying to hide them anymore. When they part, and she reassures Henry that these are happy tears, he finds it extremely amusing that there’s snot falling off her nose. Rebecca can’t help but join him in his fit of giggles after cleaning her nose.
They are almost on their way out of the office, grabbing Henry’s school books which have been spread out all over her coffee table as usual, when Ted shows up, looking exactly like someone who’s been in an A&E waiting room for far too long.
“Hey dad! How's Maria?” Henry asks immediately, leaving Rebecca to pack his last book - history - and with a smile on her face at the boy’s genuine concern.
“Hey kiddo, she is ok now. Gave us all a real scare though. Oh! Before I forget, she told me to show you this picture of her knee before they put it back into place.”
“Ooooooooh, that is gross!” Henry picks up his father’s phone, fascinated to inspect the famous picture, which Rebecca absolutely does not want to see.
Ted knows something happened the minute he crosses eyes with her, of course. The man has always had an infuriating ability to read her feelings, even before they were in a relationship. Besides, it’s not like Rebecca made a huge effort to fix her face after all the crying from this afternoon. Ted gives her a questioning look and she reassures him with a smile and a whispered “later” before they go home.
Rebecca hasn’t officially asked Ted and Henry to move in with her, but it seems almost pointless, because she doesn’t think they’ve spent a single night at his rented house for the past month. Henry has claimed the room she prepared for him as his own, adding an impressive amount of lego sets as decoration, and has already been very vocal about his preference to live in front of the Green. And she is pretty sure Ted doesn’t have any further piece of clothing at his own house.
So they drive to her home as usual and Ted insists on preparing dinner despite the exhaustion of his day. Rebecca knows the kitchen is his space for decompressing and since it will be an easy reheat of this weekend’s Shepherd's Pie, she lets it go. Meanwhile she helps convince Henry he needs a shower before his meal - a daily negotiation that is actually more effective when she leads it. Rebecca is secretly very proud of this. Or perhaps not so secretly, since she is practically living with a mindreader.
Rebecca’s exhaustion catches up to her quite quickly. If Ted hadn’t cooked her favourite meal, she might have fallen asleep right there at the dinner table. They try to watch an episode of Bake Off, still midway Henry’s full introduction to the show, and suddenly Rebecca is awakened with a gentle nudge to her shoulder and Ted’s tired eyes calling her.
“You were snoring so loud we couldn’t even hear the show!” Henry has to catch his breath because of his endless laughter.
“Excuse me, I don’t snore.” She replies trying but failing to look offended.
”Come on, kid. Bedtime.” Ted smiles and guides them all upstairs.
She is already in her nightgown when her partner reappears, looking somehow less exhausted after Henry’s nightly routine. He goes to bed with his usual loving look but a hint of something else that he seems hesitant to share.
“So… Henry told me.” He looks at her cautiously.
Suddenly, it all comes back to her. The intensity of her day. The roller coaster of emotions. The warm fuzzy feeling of being called a mum for the first time. And, despite the reassurance that that moment of vulnerability with Henry gave her, the fear.
”I’m sorry.” Rebecca finally responds, and Ted looks bewildered, sitting up to look at her properly.
“What for?”
Rebecca exhales, frustrated at herself for even feeling like this. However, a part of her knows she needs to share this with Ted. He won’t judge her. He never will.
“I… I’m sorry if I crossed a line.” Rebecca starts and she can tell that Ted absolutely does not agree with her statement, but is trying very hard to let her talk before he utters a single word. “I’m sorry if I agreed to this with Henry without talking to you first. I’m just… So afraid you or Michelle will be upset with me for doing this. For being closer to Henry. I’m just… So afraid I will fuck this up and I’ll lose him.”
She whispers these last words, pretending to examine her fingernails because she can’t dare to look into Ted’s eyes.
“Fuck what up, honey?”
Rebecca knows what he is trying to do with this obvious question, and she both loves and hates him in this second. Christ, she should have never encouraged him to go back to therapy, because he is getting too good at this.
She breathes in, both in frustration and in a ridiculous attempt at stalling her answer.
“For fuck’s sake, Ted. You already know what I mean.” She looks at him and sees teary eyes, full of understanding, and all of her frustration is gone. Ok, time to be vulnerable: “I am scared I won’t know how to be a mum.”
Rebecca hears her voice quavering saying the word out loud, and her eyes close when Ted’s fingers softly brush her tears.
”Well, honey. I’ve got news for you.” She opens her eyes at his slightly playful tone. “You already are a mom. And you’re already smashing it, like y’all like to say it here.”
She can’t help but laugh at his ridiculous attempt at British, while more tears fall at his words.
”D’ya wanna know how Hen told me?”
”Only if you want me to know…” She says for caution, but obviously wants to hear his point of view.
”I think you should know. You’re his MUM, after all.” Ted grins, and continues. “He told me he made the perfect big feelings hot chocolate for his ‘mum Becca’. I was kinda jealous at that detail, to be honest. Was it really that good or did you drink the whole thing to please him?”
”The latter.” Rebecca laughs.
”See? You’re already a great mom. Number one rule of parenting is eating bad, cold and rejected food.”
“Thank you, my love.” Rebecca says after a beat, her head already falling back to her pillow. Thankfully, she knows Ted understands everything she wants to say with those few words, because all of that crying and vulnerability have left her exhausted.
“No, Becca. Thank you.” He kisses her forehead before they fall asleep in their usual position, with Ted’s arms embracing her from behind and his lips so close to her nape that she can feel his breathing in her skin.
They usually wake up before her alarm, but the next morning they are awaken by a 12 year old boy opening their door.
“Dad, your alarm has been ringing for like an hour! I’m gonna be late for school.”
“I’m awake! I’m awake!” Ted jumps out of bed, his hair a complete mess.
“Morning, mum.” Henry grins at her and they share a conspiratory look.
”Good morning, my love.”
“Don’t forget to fill your water bottle!” She shouts after he goes downstairs and she walks towards her walk-in closet.
”See? Kid’s already got a favourite.” Ted jokes spying on Rebecca while she chooses her outfit for the day.
She smirks at him and simply shrugs, allowing herself to enjoy this moment. And the countless moments that will come after this momentous day. The day that completely redefined a word she wouldn’t dare even think about before her two boys became part of her life.