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The crying is what wakes Iruka up. He’s gotten good at hearing it, these past few weeks. For a moment he lays in bed, listening to the muffled sobs he can hear through the thin walls, wondering if he should get up. Sasuke has never appreciated it before, but Iruka wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t at least check. As he gets up he spares a glance for his alarm clock; it’s not as early as it usually is, and he hopes that means Sasuke got some sleep.
Neither of them have gotten much of it, lately; Iruka mourning many of his friends and comrades, including Hyō-sensei and Hitoshi, and Sasuke… if he isn’t sick with grief, his nightmares from Itachi’s genjutsu keep him awake. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Iruka wonders why Sandaime had placed Sasuke in his care. Part of him is afraid of the answer; it isn’t as though Iruka is the only one who had been friendly with the clan.
Those thoughts are better left for the morning, and Iruka pushes them from his head as he pads on silent feet down the hall, though he makes enough noise he shouldn’t startle Sasuke. Taking a deep breath, Iruka pokes his head through the doorway of Sasuke’s room—Sasuke refuses to keep the door closed, and he sleeps better if Iruka’s door is open too. Iruka’s heart hurts when he thinks about why that might be—to look in. Sasuke is shaking, clutching his pillow to his chest as he cries into it, and oh, Iruka wants nothing more than to hug him, but he doesn’t know if it would be appreciated.
“Sasuke?” Iruka doesn’t ask if he’s okay, because it’s a stupid question. He expects a sullen little “go away,” like normal. What he doesn’t expect is for Sasuke to flinch, or look up with watery eyes. Iruka certainly doesn’t expect Sasuke to drop the pillow and throw himself at him, sobbing into his shirt. The display leaves Iruka feeling off-balance and awkward, unsure what to do about the sudden display of emotion. Slowly, he reaches down to pat at Sasuke’s head as he tries to remember what his parents did when he had nightmares. Vague memories of warm milk with honey and cinnamon cross his mind, or was that when he couldn’t sleep? Was it both? What is he supposed to do?
Maybe he should have picked up that book on parenting he saw.
This would be easier if Iruka was better at talking, but he’s never been good at expressing concern. It’s easier to bring over a pack of beer and take-out when he knows his friends are having a rough time than it is to actually ask them anything. That won't work with Sasuke, for a multitude of reasons. Deciding to bite the leather, Iruka tries to pull back from Sasuke, so he can sink down to his level and look him in the eye, that seems like a good idea. Tries is the key word, because as soon as he moves to pull away, Sasuke clings harder. Baffled, Iruka goes back to petting Sasuke’s hair, murmuring quiet nonsense in hopes that it’ll calm him down just a little.
“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” It felt like it took hours for Sasuke’s shoulders to stop shaking, and then Iruka goes and says something dumb like that. Clearly Sasuke had a nightmare, and all of his family was murdered by his older brother, that’s what’s wrong. To top it all off he’s living in a tiny two-bedroom apartment with a relative stranger who can barely cook and sometimes is away all day because he’s taking missions. Just thinking about it makes Iruka want to cry, and he’s an almost full-grown adult who can regulate his emotions and everything.
In all honesty, Iruka isn’t expecting an answer. He isn’t expecting tiny hands to clutch the fabric of his shirt so tightly he can hear Sasuke’s joints creak, or for Sasuke to draw in a shuddering breath before looking up, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. Aw hell, Iruka was trying to stop the tears, not make more.
“I dreamed that Ita…he came back and killed you, too.”
That whispered confession is enough to freeze Iruka’s spiraling thoughts in their tracks. How does he even respond to that? Because that had been a legitimate concern of Iruka's as well, enough so that he’d badgered Sandaime for permission to use Anbu-level wards on his apartment, never mind assurances that Itachi wouldn’t come after Sasuke or his guardian. How did Sandaime even know, but that was above Iruka’s clearance level, apparently. Of course Sasuke would have nightmares about that, Iruka had nightmares about it, some nights.
“It was just a dream, I’m fine.” It takes Iruka far too long to choke out a response, and he feels stupid as it passes his lips. Yeah no shit it was a dream. To maybe distract Sasuke Iruka goes back to stroking his hair. It’s a little heartbreaking to see how Sasuke pushes into the contact like an affection-starved cat, apparently ignoring Iruka’s comment. Even though he isn't speaking, Iruka knows better than to try to send Sasuke back to bed after a nightmare. Damn, Iruka wanted to get more sleep tonight, he has training with Anko tomorrow.
For a long second, Iruka considers just nudging Sasuke back towards his bed before the guilt makes him stop. Would it be so bad to let Sasuke sleep with him for another night? The therapist at the hospital would say yes, he keeps encouraging Iruka to have Sasuke be more independant, but Iruka doesn't agree; literally the week before Sasuke moved in he broke into Izumo and Kotetsu’s apartment so he didn’t have to be alone after a nightmare. Iruka also thinks the hospital therapist is a hack who is more concerned with making sure that Sasuke becomes an efficient killing machine than recovers from this, so maybe Iruka should ignore his suggestions.
“Would you feel better sleeping in my room?” It feels dumb to even ask at this point, because Iruka knows Sasuke is going to say yes. In fact before he’s even finished the question Sasuke is pulling away to grab his stuffed cat and pillow from his bed. The pillow is going to end up on the floor by morning, just like always, with Sasuke stealing Iruka’s instead. Maybe Iruka could buy a second pillow, but it warms his heart that he’ll cede his pillow to Sasuke while they sleep, like Iruka trusts him.
Maybe if his parents had lived, Iruka would have had a little brother a year or two younger than Sasuke. And they would have sleepovers just like this, when their parents were out on missions. It’s a stupid thing to think about, because it just makes Iruka ache for what will never be. There’s no point, anyway. Right now, getting some sleep is more important.
Quickly, like he’s afraid to be away from Iruka for too long, Sasuke is back by his side again, pillow under his arm and stuffed cat dangling from his hand, his other hand clinging to Iruka’s shirt. The hack would say Iruka should discourage such clingy behavior, but Sasuke is only seven. There’s nothing wrong with him acting like this, even if all they’re doing is walking down the hall. Once they’re in Iruka’s room, Sasuke lets go of his shirt so he can close the door, before he picks his way across the floor. Though it wouldn’t make much of a difference, Iruka knows they’ll both sleep better if he closes the curtains all the way, cutting off the last of the moonlight, as though the thin fabric would stop Ita—anyone. They wouldn’t stop anyone. It would be Iruka’s wards that would stop them—not officially Anbu-level, but maybe that was for the best. Itachi had been Anbu, supposedly. Maybe Anbu-level wards wouldn’t even slow Itachi down, and Sandaime’s encouragement to use his own wards was better, would be harder for Itachi to figure out—
“Iruka?” Sasuke’s voice is quiet, but it’s enough to bring Iruka back, and he turns away from the window. Of course Sasuke is already settled in bed, his expression pinched as he grips his stuffed cat. Forcing a smile that he hopes looks gentle, Iruka steps over the piles of laundry and books on his floor. Maybe a better, more competent adult-parent-person would say something, but instead Iruka just pats Sasuke on the head before he climbs into bed. He thinks, maybe, he hears a soft huff of laughter from Sasuke. There’s no chance to check, because the kid is out like a light as soon as he presses his head to Iruka’s chest.
“Your head isn’t even on your pillow, Sasuke.” Iruka says into the silence, pitying Sasuke’s poor stuffed cat that he’s using instead. Iruka’s also a little envious of Sasuke, being able to fall asleep so quickly after a nightmare. But some nights are like that, and they’re better than nights that Sasuke never sleeps at all. Unfortunately Iruka knows he won’t be getting back to sleep so easily, no matter what he wants. Tomorrow’s training will be hellish, and the mission the day after might be worse, especially if Sasuke has another bad night. It’s an A rank, and they need Iruka’s fūinjutsu expertise, otherwise he wouldn’t take it, because it means leaving Sasuke with Anko for a night. Which is… it isn’t great, but they get along okay. Anko is surprisingly good with kids, better than anyone Iruka knows besides Ai, but she’s part of the mission.
Before he died, Hyō-sensei had been nudging Iruka towards taking less missions, and finding an in-village position. The Sandaime seemed to support that as well, so maybe that was why he had assigned Iruka as Sasuke’s guardian? He’d definitely been talking more about in-village positions since then, at least. It might not be such a bad idea, Iruka thinks, to take a step back from missions. Maybe a position at the academy. If he remembered correctly, there was position for a teacher’s aide that the Sandaime had been talking up lately.
The mission desk was always looking for more people to work there. If he started work there, combined with the frankly ridiculous subsidy he got for looking after Sasuke, as well as taught, then he should be okay in terms of money. It wouldn’t be as much as his string of C and B-class missions (with the occasional A-class) but they’d get by.
Iruka fights back a yawn, but it escapes anyway. It’s too… late? Early? For these thoughts. He’s too exhausted for this. Even asleep Sasuke seems to agree, making a sound of discontentment before he cuddles closer, clinging to Iruka like he’s a giant stuffed animal. Groaning to himself Iruka closes his eyes. Even if he doesn’t sleep, which he doubts he will, no matter how exhausted he is, he should at least try to get some rest. Maybe practice some meditation.
Before Iruka can even clear his mind, he’s drifted off, asleep.