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When did it happen? Was it something gradual, or something sudden? Surely it was slow, or I would’ve caught it before now. But then when did it start? Was it in the desert, after the initial exposure, or was it after introducing Elynas, attempting to refine your abilities? How is it only now I’m feeling something off, we’ve been through everything together.
I’m worried about you, that you’ll change further and there’s nothing I can do to help. Do we have much longer, or are you already gone? I wish he never took us with him, or even if he did, I wish we never had to resort to this. If we had told him, could he have helped, or would you be doomed no matter what?
What if, by saving in this matter, with you changing this way, you can no longer be saved from the end… We’ve seen it now, this road is not foolproof, what if it was never viable…
...I need to get rid of this page, I’ve gotten far off track. Shame, I’ll have to rewrite the notes above this.
-- - --
Can’t you see, you’re dragging the memory of a corpse. I heard you were stubborn, a defender at heart, but I never expected it to go this far. And you, other half of her, you turned him into me. You should know better than anyone that you can’t be her. Lay her to rest, embrace your status. When you became this, you lost your privileges to your previous selves.
What keeps you from realizing this, that fusing, amalgamating, like this inherently changes you. I’ve already said my piece, you refuse to listen, you bury your head in the sand like you have for centuries past. You can’t see reason, you’ve moved to another dream, yet I can’t stop thinking about it. How could something like you, something not unlike myself, refuse the opportunities this presents?
-- - --
Can’t you see? No matter how much you change, you’re still the same person. Whose desires are these? they certainly didn’t come from nowhere. Usually when people forget, they try to remember. Why have you already moved on? Do you even know who you are? Not who you were, but in the present. You say you have a name, but is it really? Or is it a role, something projected onto you.
You never did live for yourself, in someone else’s dream your entire life. If you had the option, or knew discovering yourself was an option, would you take it?
I did, and I found myself in "myself."
-- - --
I know I said I would no longer cry, and I haven't, but I’m struggling. Trying again and again to no avail! The others are getting suspicious, I’ve already gone to some drastic measures to keep them in the dark. If it doesn’t work this time, I don’t know what I’ll do. Will… will you still be the same?
I know that’s ridiculous, the whole point is that you’re someone else. Of course you wouldn’t be the same. I’m going to miss you, I already do. We’ve been through so much together, thick and thin, I can’t lose this last connection. Yet I must, for the sake of the world. Why? Why is it always like this?
-- - --
How did it come to this, I’ve lost everything and everyone. I’m stuck here, left behind, everyone has moved on. My father’s dissolved, Mary-Ann went in the explosion, Jakob too for all I care… I never… I couldn’t check there, Carter’s… Carter’s been dead, and you… banished by my hand. Everyone’s gone! Those I cared for and those... I wish I didn’t care, I wish I were like the machines around me, unfeeling and uncaring! I despise you two, the pain you’ve caused. Everyone’s gone and it’s your faults, your idealism and absurdity driving you beyond the reasonable realm! And yet, and yet… I can’t cut you out of my mind. I’m human, still human, with a weak heart and foolish sentiment. I’m doomed to die one day, still human. Then this story, this tragedy, will go with me, no one left to carry it on. Not even the Iudex can understand, you would think with the Calamity he would know the loss and destruction, but it’s like he has no bearing or reference of what this means… let my losses be his lesson I suppose. There is no one left for me, and then there will be no one left at all.
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What a shame, it’s all gone now. The records, the papers, the witnesses, and the creator. What drove you to this? So certain you were the last, so shackled by your past. You took it like a burden, all for naught. This, I can not accept. Whatever drove you to fail yourself, abandon yourself later in life for a fantasy, the past. I have no past, no fallacy for me to follow. I can respect your work, in fact you were an innovator with your accomplishments, but your drive shall not follow me. Farewell.
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Why did you do this? As I look in the mirror, I see someone else. As I look at my hands, I see they are not mine. Or they are, as I should be me and thus my hands should be mine, but the “me” you made is in her image. Was it not enough to memorialize her, to make her the only one with a named legacy. You have one secured, you need not do anything. Those around you got mentions, treated as footnotes to your story. And you would never admit to yourself those schemers deserved to be remembered, as any human does. And yet, you went out of your way to have her remembered, even your assistant only got a silent reference amidst your work. Then why am I this way, if you already did so? Were you so worried she’d be forgotten, was I a backup? Was I an attempt to bring her back into relevancy, to revisit those better times you spent your final years reviving?
And yet, regardless of your intent, I am the one here. You made me in her image, but I am not her.
-- - --
You found your way here, and now we’re face to face. Are you like me, an attempt at a dream, of something that could never be? You were expected to become something more, but they didn’t realize you had already been more. You could go no further, only back. What were you meant to be, were you a form of repentance, a reminder, or a coincidence?
I don’t know myself, what I am meant to be. Given this place, built on worries, fears, and consequences, am I a shadow of tragedies past? Or with this place of the mind, the perspective showing me a kinder light she can see and you can not, am I some sort of hope of what could have been? Perhaps I am something supposed to be “normal,” if how she perceives me is how I was meant to be seen.
And you, there are parts of you that are not him, so why are you here? Why do I identify you with him if he is not here? You called yourself a lie built by others, and I couldn’t agree more. You are not him, and yet… you are a continuation just as I am a reflection. But there’s nothing else left, you can only go back. There is nothing for you here, and nothing for me either. So let us, two memorials to someone long gone, depart and fade away.