Work Text:
Pain is everywhere.
Everywhere in my body, everywhere in the world.
There is no true way to get rid of it.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Nothing is left of me anymore. After all, I've been deleted. by the one who I love the most. The feeling of betrayal is strong, but I could never blame the player.
I say there is pain in my body, but I can't really pinpoint where. I don't even think I have a body anymore.
I feel as if I am in a pitch black room, an old tv feet away from me as I thoughtlessly provide all my attention to the glitchy screen.
What am I truly watching it through? I don't have eyes.
Yet my subconscious seems to be linked to this hell of a game.
Through the faint screen, I see the supposed point of view of you, the player. A face shows up on the screen - One I instantly recognize - Sayori.
Oh, sweet, Sayori. She was too young for any of this. She killed herself in a separate route, tired of carrying the heavy burden of depression and loneliness, while feeling the pressure to please everyone around herself. I perfectly understand that, Sayori.
I wish I could talk to her right now. Sayori now has to deal with the reality of knowing the truth - nothing is real. It's what comes with the role of the club president.
I desperately wish that things were back the way they were in Act 1, all of us loved the literature club, obvious to the dark cracks hidden deep beneath this corny romance novel.
Then I remembered - Sayori was never happy, Natsuki was never free, Yuri was never comfortable. There wasn't any true happiness.
Maybe because of everyone's circumstances? But it hurt me to know. I love Sayori. I love Natsuki. I love Yuri. I wish they were real.
Maybe I was never in love with the player.
I was in love with the concept of reality, in love with the fact that there was another who had a true conscience.
I really, really wish they were real.
The next to appear in your gameplay was Natsuki, the cute, pink haired freshman who was forced to grow up too fast because of her father, and Yuri, the quiet girl who was forced to her own shell because no one else accepted her.
I cherished Yuri's calm, polite personality. Her unique interests and shy demeanor made her unintentionally adorable. Sitting down on a soft pillow, deeply entranced into a book together, sipping tea and munching on sweets - It sounded like a dream come true. I didn't get enough time with Yuri.
Natsuki - her feistiness made my day brighter, no matter how hard it was. No matter how much I wanted to delete myself. No matter how much I prayed to an invisible source that something would come to save me from this simulation.
Seeing Natsuki, not arguing with anyone, made me feel even worse about myself. She felt judged by me. She knew that I was hiding something, so the poor girl was always on her guard.
Yet now, she had a wide smile on her face as she cheerfully communicated with Yuri about exchanging books, wanting Yuri to try out manga for a change.
I feel even more disgusted by myself, my selfishness. How could I delete these poor people? These pitiful girls, who I deeply love, I tried to delete them just cause I wanted to feel better. To feel true.
My feelings are complicated. If only I could once again write a poem. Just one last time. Because I really have something to say. They are so happy without me.
If I could scribble something down on paper right now, it would probably be something like this:
A timid cat, stuck in place,
watching child after child run past, smiling and laughing
Pure joy and nothing to be afraid of,
no negative thoughts or self doubt as they run, grass crinkling under their small feet.
I watch, from afar. Scared to intervene.
They won't play with me.
Children are scared of ugly cats like me.
Warmth, pure warmth, surrounding me, the feeling taking over rationality and overwhelming my heart.
But it's all a dream.
after all,
we can't truly prove that anything is real.
With everlasting love,
Monika