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It had only been a few days since the battle that was the Silver Eve festival. Now, in the cozy warmth of the atelier, Coco could hear the distant sounds of her professor and his watchful eye discussing in hushed tones. It must be something important, something children like her shouldn’t know. Why else would they wait so late into the night to simply talk? She’s been tossing and turning all night long, finding herself staring absentmindedly into the ceiling. Her only source of light in the room was the gentle rays of silver moonlight.
Forbidden magic has taken so much from her, from her friends, from everyone. She turns again, away from the window where the moon shone through. She finds herself tired, yet not tired enough to fall asleep. Since that night, fitful sleep has eluded her, staying up too long and sleeping too little. Even with his one eye, her professor remains keen and observant. Coco this time finds herself staring at the empty mug— earlier filled with tea steeped in hot milk —sitting on her bedside table. Professor Qifrey had given it to her, telling her it would help lull her to sleep when she drinks it before bed. The scent of chamomile still lingers in the air as Coco tries to get herself comfortable enough to sleep. She bundles herself further, much to the chagrin of her little bedtime companion.
Squeak!
Brushbuddy moved closer, seeking the warmth that Coco provided. The little squeaking reminiscent of complaining, as if it was saying, “Why did you move? I was already comfortable!” The little creature curled up by Coco’s stomach, nestled between the comfort of the sheets and the warmth of the witch. And just like that, the little fluffy creature was asleep once more. How Coco envied the small animal, if only she could fall asleep that easily right now. Carefully, she moves her hand to gently pet the soft fur, her mind still wandering back to the events of that night, in hazy, yet all too clear flashes of memory.
The cold metal of those magic shackles– the way his hand felt on her wrist. The way she felt her mouth open, speaking the truth with words not her own, yet not on her own, it felt like the magic was choking words out of her throat, ripping them from the back of her mind. Every little crevice of Ininia’s boot, crushing down on her skull, was the first time Coco had tasted dirt. The way poor Coustas– oh, Coustas, had turned into the hard bark and hauntingly beautiful leaves of the Silverwood tree. She remembered the metallic scent of blood, watching helplessly as Mister Dagda allowed himself to succumb to his wounds, if only to give his son another chance at life.
And her Professor Qifrey, the man who kindly took her under his wing since the incident with her mother. She knew adults kept their own secrets. She knew that those who had been in the world for longer had more things they would rather keep in the dark. She would never forget the way her mother shifted when asked about her father, the man she never got the chance to know. Her own mind wouldn’t let her escape the hollowness in the professor’s right eye, shrouded in darkness, with branches of that same disgustingly mesmerizing sheen– sprouting out like it was clawing out of his skull. The same way he shifted and squirmed like her mother when Coco asked questions they didn’t want to answer.
Coco had been trying to forget many things, but every nerve and painful throb of her body refused to let her forget.
Brushbuddy kicked at her hand, having decided it no longer wanted scratches on its belly, it snapped Coco back into the dark room, away from her mind and thoughts. The murmuring and whispers outside had quieted, but still, she couldn’t sleep. Gingerly, she got out of her bed, making sure to disturb Brushbuddy no longer than she already had, grabbing her coat and slipping out of the room, quietly closing the door. She looked around the common area and found it dark and empty; it seemed Agott had been asleep in her own room.
Coco quietly walked out of the shared room and into the larger area of the atelier. The glow of the moon offering some semblance of light in her vision as she quietly crept past, noting the warm light coming from Master Olruggio’s room. There was hesitance in her step, she wondered if she should go to him this time, for counsel, even if she can’t say everything, maybe she should at least let the burden in her chest out.
After a moment, she shook her head. No, I mustn't, she thought, Master Olruggio is busy tonight, he’s probably making something new for a client, I don’t want to disturb him.
She snuck past his office, making her way up to the hatch on the roof. She resolutely lifted herself up and onto the roof, just like she had always done back home. Feeling the breeze against her skin, she shivered slightly, holding her coat tighter as she decided that tonight, if she couldn’t sleep, she would look out into the stars. That always helped her.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
Coco turned to find Agott, pushing herself out the same hatch. The fellow apprentice's coat blew with the wind as she walked towards Coco and sat next to her. A familiar scene.
“Yeah,” Coco laughed weakly, “Did I wake you?”
“No, but I figured I would find you here. Brushbuddy was scratching at your door,” Agott explained, a fond smile etching her noble features, “He was getting antsy being alone.” The other girl carefully moved her coat, revealing the inner pocket where the little fluffy rascal was now curled up in.
“I’m sorry,” Coco watched as Agott gently tucked the animal away into the warmth of her wool coat, “I thought he’d be sleeping still, I didn’t want to disturb him anymore.”
Agott softened, a rare expression that was usually tucked away, in moments no one else but Coco would think to look.
“I’m not going to ask you if you’re not keen on sharing,” Agott says, inching a finger closer to Coco's hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything—” she pauses, “—if you don’t want to.” Agott stretched out, letting her kick off her legs on the edge of the brick roof as she gazed up into the stars, “But just know that I’ll have your back, even when I’m sometimes a jerk.”
Coco let out a chuckle, a soft blush tinted her cheeks ever so slightly as she gently teased her friend, “You know, you’re not very good at this, are you?”
“Shut up,” Agott tore her gaze from the stars and gently elbowed the other girl. She turned away and mumbled, “...I’m trying my best, take it or leave it.”
Coco leaned over to peek a little more at Agott's flustered face and reddened ears. It was most amusing to her when she got the usually stoic member of the merry band of apprentices to let her walls down. Even if all she gets is an edgeless, frustrated huff or a grumbling remark from the short-haired girl. With all that's happened, Coco has yet to understand why such a little thing delighted her so, but it doesn't stop her from relishing it.
“Don't trouble yourself too much, I’ll take it,” Coco replied with a small grin. She shouldn't needle the other girl too much tonight, especially when Agott took the time to sit with her. As she stared into the twinkling dark sky, her mind wandered once more as she heard Agott scoff at something.
Trouble.
That’s what Coco had always been, ever since she stepped foot in this atelier, it’s who she’s been. They were trapped with a dragon because of her, Eunie was tattooed with magic because of her, and Coustas and Tartah turned to the brim-hats because of her. So many people got hurt because even with magic at her fingertips—
I failed them.
Her eyes wandered to Agott, and she wondered what else could happen if she stayed here. There was a point where she thought of the atelier as her home, but home should never feel so suffocating. That at any moment, she could endanger Agott, Tetia, Richeh, and her fellow apprentices again. She thought that at least– at the very least, she has Professor Qifrey and Master Olruggio to lean on. But now she knows that even if she stays here, not only will the brim-hats be an ever looming threat to her friends, but if they leave her alone? Her professor could still lose his life, especially when he’s happy and at peace with his partner and students. It’s as if no matter what she chooses, she loses.
What if I left?
It was not a new thought, far from it. It was not often she thought of that idea, but when the nights are cold, and the weight in her chest is all too heavy, she cannot help but think it. Her leaving would not only solve her own problems, but more importantly, it would be another solution to everyone else’s problems. Not only can the rest of the girls get to go back to some semblance of their life before she arrived, but the professor could lose his mind enough to keep him here, where the other apprentices and Master Olruggio need him and want him to be.
She closed her eyes. If she left, the girls would be safer, far from the threat of brim-hats and whatever mess she had herself entangled in. If she left, Professor Qifrey could keep worrying his head off until he gave up. That should be enough, right? To buy him the time to still be here, with everyone who needs him, maybe while she’s gone, she could find a solution. Magic is supposed to help, isn’t it?
But then, where would she go? Who would she turn to? The boys have gone to Restys and Ininia, and she’d rather eat dirt herself than go near them. She can’t go back to her mother; the little boutique she spent most of her short life in is nothing more than rock and splinters now. Her mother was encased in stone, wrapped with barbed vines that deterred anyone from desecrating what remained. That morbid vision of her mother’s anguish was still etched in the very surface of her mind. As if it were the rocks themselves that carved it into her memory.
Agott's soft hand met her shoulder.
“Coco, hey,” The other girl was gently shaking her awake, “Don’t fall asleep here, you’ll catch a cold.”
She roused from her short respite; she hadn’t noticed that while lost in thought, she’d fallen asleep on Agott’s shoulder. “Oh, my,” Coco muttered as she rubbed her eyes. “I didn't realize how tired I was.”
Agott stood up, pushing herself off the roof as she dusted off the brick debris on her clothes, “Come on, you're still recovering from your injuries, I wouldn't want you to get sick too.” She reached out her hand, offering it to her fellow apprentice.
For a moment, Coco hesitated before taking Agott's hand. Coco feels how soft Agott's hand is compared to her own, and she notes the little callous on one of the fingers, a sign of Agott's long and frequent effort in her studies of magic.
Alongside the other apprentices, Coco no longer looked out of place compared to them; to anyone else, she looked just like any other witchling. But Coco knows she never forgets how different she is compared to them. She could feel it in the moment she held Agott's hand; it made her all too aware of the calluses of having lived most of her life without magic. It's merely one of the small things that add to the pile of Coco's oddity in the world of witches.
With strength that hasn't ceased to surprise the leaf blonde girl, Agott easily lifted Coco on her feet. “Let's hope Master Olruggio has nodded off. I'd rather not get an earful before the sun even rises.”
The pair snuck back to their shared space, just before they parted ways to their own bedrooms, Agott reached for Brushbuddy in her coat, but Coco raised her hand, stopping her.
“Brushbuddy should stay with you tonight,” Coco tells her, “He'll sleep more comfortably with you around.”
Agott frowned, “Are you sure?”
“It'll be fine,” Coco says, giving the other girl a soft and reassuring smile. Who knew lying came so easily to her now? She's learned more from Professor Qifrey than she thought.
The other girl hesitated for a few moments, as if trying to search for the truth in Coco’s eyes, “Very well,” she replied, “I’ll take him in for tonight.”
"Thanks," Coco’s smile remained, though it didn’t reach her eyes, “Good night, Agott.”
“Good night, Coco,” Agott answered in kind, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Coco didn’t respond; she only watched as Agott retreated to her room before turning and entering her own door. She was now resolute; she could no longer afford to lose more to forbidden magic. Not the way she lost her mother, the way she lost her home, the way she lost her friends, the way she’s losing her professor, the way she will lose more of what is dearest to her.
Not if she can help it, with magic—
I can help it.
****
The professor and the rest of the girls were finishing up preparing breakfast, noticing one of his curious apprentices was missing, he tasked Agott to go wake her up. Agott descended the spiral staircase, her shoes echoing in the stone corridor as she made her way to their shared study. She knocked, as if letting her roommate know she was entering their shared space, only to find Coco's desk empty and oddly pristine. Usually, she'd have to remind the other girl to tidy up the table, but today seemed to be an exception. Quickly, she made her way to the end of the small study hall, heading towards the room across from her own.
“Coco?” Agott’s voice rang through the room, “Breakfast is ready, you should get up, or your omelet will get cold.”
Agott knocked once more, her knuckles rapping against the heavy wooden door. She waited, and waited. No response came; inexplicably, an uneasy feeling settled into her stomach. She moved her hand away from the body of the door and onto its metal handle. Twisting the doorknob, she pushed inside.
The room was tidy, books neatly arranged on the desk facing the window, the sheets neatly folded, and Coco’s uniform looking untouched. It was as if no one had lived there for the past few months.
Then it became clear. The room was empty, and Coco was gone.