Chapter Text
PROLOGUE:
My Dearest Mulder,
Though I know you will never set eyes on this, I must still purge my soul, and ask: Will you please forgive me for what I am about to tell you?
Though I know you would never believe it, I must let you know: We were wrong.
Though I know you would have thought it improbable, when he finally arrived the last time, he did so because he had to.
I feel that I must tell you this now, Mulder; because my hope is that you may understand why I have done, what I have.
His return to my doorstep, you must realize, was not something he did because he had been made to do so by someone else.
Therefore, you can stop that line of thinking right now.
No, his return was not by force. Not by a long shot. And no, he had not been doing anyone else's bidding on that early morning, nor for a long time prior.
Not even undercover.
Yes, it is true, Mulder.
Under. Cover.
Oh Mulder, if we had only known.
If you had only known.
As it turned out, shortly, very shortly, after you were taken from me, he had a couple of his own secrets to reveal.
When he returned that final time, he came because he just "knew" he had to. He knew because, whilst he had been overseas he "heard" me calling for him, Mulder.
Even though, I swear to you, I never uttered his name once.
Verbally, or otherwise. Not after I found you.
Dead.
You see, Mulder. Prior to his leaving, he helped me to understand My Truth. A part of the Truth" you left me for, but which was not the part you were seeking.
This "Truth", as it turned out, WAS within me.
I have a "special ability", Mulder. An ability which I kept from you, for as long as I knew you.
For this, I believe I failed you, and I am sorry.
I have had this ability I write of, my entire life. But I ignored it.
I had, at times, begun to wonder about its existence though. Such as the couple of times that I saw Emily's ghost, just after she was taken from us. Yet, much to Missy's chagrin during our childhood, I would not believe. All I wanted was for it to go away.
Thus I, most certainly, could not tell you about it. I was positive you would have pounced me with questions, as fast as that alligator ate Queequeg, and I was unwilling to handle your intense scrutiny.
No matter how much I cared about you, or our partnership, I would not be able to tolerate your inquiries.
Therefore, I remained mum.
For the entire seven years we worked together.
For this, I failed you.
It was not until I received a very special gift from you, when I found my "ability" became enhanced, that I realized I could ignore it no longer.
Especially after I "saw" YOU, as well, in my hotel room in Montana on the night you were found. I am sorry that it took your abduction to make me a Believer, Mulder.
For this, I failed you.
I am so sorry that I did not relinquish my secret before. Before I was forced on my own quest, much like yours for Samantha.
My search for you.
I ask for your forgiveness Mulder; because after you left, and after a few tense meetings, this man actually helped me to finally accept the things I could not change. He, alone, gave me the confidence I needed, which allowed me to continue my search.
I must also confess to you something else. I found out he would know what I was "feeling", for he would feel it too.
Much like you had, only…differently.
You see, he too, has this "ability". With it, he can feel me and my emotions.
He always has been able to. I had just chosen to ignore it.
It was a shock; let me tell you, it was a shock to me when I came to realize that "I" was able to feel his own, as well. I am the only one.
Can you believe that Mulder?
Only "I" could comprehend the gross amount of anger and despair he has felt. Not even his partner was that close to him. Not the way you and I had been in "our" partnership.
And his pain was my fault. Much like yours had been.
Only now, after everything that has happened, only now, have I come to appreciate the agony that must have been your life.
To live with and feel so much guilt.
Now, only now, do I understand exactly what you meant on the Tooms case, when you feared that I was ‘getting into trouble just sitting in this car’.
The pain that I have caused him was most definitely due to my own making. Even if you would disagree with me, as much as I used to disagree with you, about your own guilt.
Yet, I must still own up to it.
However, even after all of the heartache that I have caused because of my failure to you. The ungodly pain that I felt I deserved to suffer, due to that failure, he still came back and did what no one else could.
He made me whole.
For this, My Dearest Mulder, I hope you can forgive me.
Love always,
Your Scully