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Todd Anderson - what do you think of first? Maybe his nature, his silence, how he keeps to himself. All which wouldn't exist without his brother. Perfect Jeffrey, so masculine, strong. A mind ineffably educated, and life disgustingly fufilled. Two loving parents. He might as well have been the role model for every boy in Welton, the Welton alumnus.
Until you have to live in his shadow. Have to grow up hearing, "but Jeffrey," at every moment possible. As you can imagine, it was miserable. Todd knew he would never be as honourable, but he had to try, right? He had to try. The upcoming History test - the first essay he would write at Welton - could be a chance to prove himself.
"Todd? Why are you awake?" Neil sat up, giving Todd a mildly judgy stare accompanied by a quick smile. "It isn't morning is it? You know, the days look a lot like nights at this time of year, don't they." Neil checked his watch - Christ, 1 AM.
"Sorry- sorry, to wake you," Todd didn't know quite how Neil always had the energy to smile, yet this didn't stop him from attempting to flash one back. It failed, his awkward laugh making the smile a wobble mess of anxiety. "I'm studying, for thw History test," he put the pen down, feeling an ache in his wrist.
Neil's 'mildly judgy stare' shifted into a baffled squint. He slipped his slippers on not so gracefully before collapsing on the end of Todd's bed, leaning over to watch him work. "Studying? In the middle of the night?" He sounded outraged, rightfully so. "Todd, go to sleep!" Neil noted the red marks under Todd's eyes - he'd been there before. Eyes so dry that whenever you blinked they would flood up, leaving you crying without the upset.
Todd shook his head, tensing his whole body in a (failed) attempt to stop himself from shaking. "It's okay, Neil, I'll be done in a few minutes." Bullshit. Neil wanted to be angry, to ask why on God's green Earth some dumb History test mattered at all - but, Todd's face. He didn't just look tired, he looked drained. Why was this such a big deal?
"Todd - come on, you can't be that worried about a five-page essay." No matter how much he denied it, Neil's voice couldn't stop the care from absorbing everything he said. "What's wrong, man, talk to me." He took the pen from Todd's hand, setting it on the page.
Todd felt a rise in his throat, scratching hard in his trachea. His eyes burned, nose running. Neil had seen him cry countless times, so why was it always so humiliating? Todd just shook his head, "Neil - I-I need to finish this I- It. My brother got 100% on this. I can't do any worse than him, Neil. What if I fail? What if I dont even get a 90? They'll be so-so disappointed in me- Neil- I can't not do this right."
Neil just listened - apparently something in him had expected something like that. He could see the tears running down Todd's face, did the salt not burn against his acne? Neil shook his head, putting a tentative hand on Todd's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Todd, calm down. Please, just breathe." Todd avoided eye contact, he couldn't bring himself to see Neil's face. He breathed, harsh, loud, wrong.
"Todd," he nodded in acknowledgment, "do you want to do well on this for you, or for your parents? Your parents right?" Todd nodded again. "That's a shit reason, Todd." Todd could feel the pit in his stomach grown ten sizes - to be honest, he cared about Neil's opinion just as much as his parent's.
"I know, Neil. I'm sorry."
"Don't do that.." Neil whispered, looking back over Todd's face. He moved his hand back to Todd's cheek, letting one of his tears soak into the grooves of his thumbprint. Todd's eyes were glossed over. Why, Neil? Why was he so sweet?
Todd took a moment, head aching. Neil sat back, leaning against the wall. Todd took the sign, pushing back his chair. Too loud for one in the morning. He sat next to him, knees over Neil's left thigh.
"It is cold, isn't it?" Neil smiled so warm, arms sliding around Todd's torso. His words were met with a quick nod and a soft hum, why was Todd being so uncommunicative? Neil tilted his head, asking, "Todd, what's wrong?" Neil half coaxed him down, laying with his head on Todd's collar.
"I don't want to fail." He was still on the verge of bawling - as per usual. Neil sat back up, shuffling up to kiss Todd on the cheek. He was awkward when it physical affection, they both were, but it didn't stop Neil from clinging to him like a barnacle. Neil held him closer, tight enough to be reassuring.
"A passing grade is 70, Todd, you'll be fine." He nuzzled, it only made Todd complain.
"You move so much," he stated - it wasn't a complaint, it was just harder to relax whilst cuddling with a worm. Neil rolled his eyes, throwing his slippers at his bed and actually getting under Todd's covers.
"Come on then, picky.." Neil grumbled, his supposed grumpiness only met by a warm smile. Todd grinned at him, the buttons on his pyjama top getting caught on Neil's.
"I love you.." Neil kissed his cheek, Todd turned his head, met with another kiss. Neil deepened it, something Todd greatly appreciated. The moment Todd could breathe again, he mumbled back something similar to an "I love you too," then rested his head in the corner of Neil's neck.
"You smell good," Todd whispered, fingers intertwining. Neil looked back down, pulling the duvet over Todd's shoulders.
Neil rubbed his back, gently telling him, "I'll wake you up." And he did, even after Todd complained many a time. Even after Neil got up, he stayed asleep. Neil didn't have the heart to wake him.
He deserved to sleep, he'd earned it.