Work Text:
“Seriously, Thor,” Yelena groaned, realizing that Thor had demolished the Thunderbolt Tower’s last box of pop tarts, “You can’t just keep eating your feelings away. The strawberry flavoring in them also has a mild laxative effect.”
Thor looked up at her with puppy eyes from his prostrate position on the couch, then promptly flopped back down.
Yelena sighed. She had only allowed Thor to stay in the Thunderbolts Tower for a week originally, but a week turned into a month, and a month turned into three months. She shuffled over to the couch, and patted his leg to signal for him to make space for her. He obediently curled his legs up. Yelena sat down, but not before gingerly throwing away the used pop tart wrappers that were scattered all around Thor’s body, like a ring of despair.
”What you need,” She paused for emphasis, but after realizing her audience was just as unresponsive as before, bulldozed on, “Is to go on a date.”
That seemed to finally garner a reaction out of the desolate god.
”My days of mortal love are over,” He sniffed, “what was once a beautiful rose has now corroded and died, its once cherished petals now decomposed within the hopeless soil.”
”Dude,” Yelena groaned, “How are you, who has lived a thousand years and seen everything, more overdramatic than an angsty teenager?”
”It’s just a breakup!” She continued, her frustration bringing out her accent, “There are millions if not billions of men and women who are very eager for your love. I know a couple myself.” The blonde woman sighed, “Listen, if you just go on one date, I promise I’ll buy you all the pop tarts you want for the next month. I have the perfect guy for you!”
That seemed to hit exactly her target.
—
Remus willed himself to stop chewing on his lip skin as he held a scalding cup of dark coffee in his hand. The mild pain of the heat seemed to provide a weird calming effect. Sirius was right, he probably was a masochist.
He distinctly remembered Yelena’s overenergetic call at 11 PM on a Monday. She knew as well as him that he was a hopeless romantic at heart. He had prayed for the romance of his favorite Shakespeare novels to come his way for far too long. Those prayers had been answered, evidently, and maybe a little too well. He wanted a romance that felt so romantic it felt like a fantasy, not an actual near fantasy where he was going on a date with the Thor.
It’s okay Remus, it’s just, y’know, the literal God of Thunder. What’s he gonna do if this date doesn’t go well? Send a lightning strike down my way in broad daylight?
His thought got interrupted when a loud booming voice pierced through his head.
“Re of mus!” A smiling hunk of meat came his way. Remus almost couldn’t help the terror that flashed on his face. He also couldn’t tell if it was the volume or shock that made his name start reverberating in his mind.
”It was quite an odyssey to find you. My good work friend Yelena informed me that you were of tall stature and with brown hair, and probably wearing a knitted sweater. But it seems like this specific location attracts many brown-haired, tall, sweater-wearing folks just like yourself!” Thor informed Remus cheerfully.
”Yeah,” The brunette chuckled awkwardly. Probably because apparently his appearance is very “trendy” right now. Performative males, they called it.
“Ah, what’s good here? Is there some of that, what’s it called, coffee? I had it once, it was quite delicious. Midgard certainly knows their beans.” Thor rambled on, seemingly looking around for a menu, completely unaware of the war going on in Remus’s head.
Suddenly, Thor’s scavenging for coffee and Remus’ silent panicking was interrupted by a—scream?! No, not just one scream, but multiple people screaming in fear. Well, at least Remus isn’t the only one scared now.
Just as Remus was processing what he had just heard, he unexpectedly felt the ground beneath his feet fall. Less than a second later, strong arms wrapped around his torso.
This is even worse than my first date with James Potter.
—
The first feeling that came back was the murkiness in his lungs, the second was the tangible horror that he felt at this disaster of a date. The only thing that seemed to console Remus a little was the fact that he was being held by a very muscular man, which was like, at the top of his bucket list in 10th grade.
His hearing came back at last. He could hear the dripping of water in a nearby location, but much more than that, he could hear Thor’s voice.
”Oh, good! You’re awake now! You had me quite worried there for a second, but my brother Loki fakes being dead all the time, so I’ve got used to being skeptical of outwardly unconscious figures.” Thor said while peering down at him, his golden locks framing his face in a way that seemed too delicate for the God of Thunder, yet so fitting. Remus’s eyes desperately drank up the sight the same way he had desperately drank the coffee just earlier in the day, because he was broke and knew he probably couldn’t afford another cup for the next month.
He was surprisingly gentle when unraveling his arms from Remus’s body. Remus almost wanted to say, ‘Wait, no, put them back!’ But thankfully, he caught himself before he did so, yet his cheeks still burned at the knowledge. Maybe he survived that fall earlier just so he could die of embarrassment now.
”We are in a…tricky situation,” Thor said, “We seem to be a little stuck here right now.”
Uh oh, if a god admits that they’re in a tricky situation then…Well, it might just be over. Remus steadied himself and gave Thor a forced smile. “Ah. Well. I’m sure we can just call Yelena and she can bring her…coworkers over and save the day, yes?” Thor enthusiastically nodded and pulled out his own phone. They both dialed a number in silence, both of them simultaneously calling Yelena. The two men both looked at each other sheepishly after a couple of seconds.
“Re of Mus, do you have any of this so-called Midgard ‘signal’? My phone is informing me that it cannot pick anything up!” Thor made an aborted movement, as if to smash the phone onto the floor, before catching himself and slipping it in his pocket instead. Remus shook his head and sighed.
”Either Yelena is ignoring me or I don’t have cell signal either. Well, what do we do now?” His voice shook at the end, hinting at his nervousness. Remus glanced cautiously around. Thor had to stand a bit closer than usual to Remus, as they had been trapped in a small, tight cavern. The dark, rocky walls looked as if they were reaching out to Remus, closing in on him more and more. He focused his eyes onto the shape of Thor’s lips, willing himself to stay calm. Except he found that his heart only seemed to beat quicker. He couldn’t afford to freak out in front of Thor, plus, this sweater cost way too much to cry on. He chewed on his lip skin again as he desperately tried to keep his breathing even. However, try as he might, he could feel his ribs tightening on his lungs, stealing every breath he tried to make. He involuntarily stepped closer to Thor, almost standing chest to chest with the man, still intently staring at the under god’s lips. Thor, oblivious as he was, took no notice to this and stared around at his surroundings in wonder.
“Wow, you midgardians have so many pretty dungeons! Loki trapped me in the castle dungeons once, and it took me hours to break though the bars, ha-ha! There aren't even any bars, very uh…what did Yelena call it…shick? Sheek?” Remus snapped out of his panic to stare confusedly at Thor.
“The building probably collapsed. I think we are still above ground. I’m uhm.” Remus suddenly noticed the lack of space between him and Thor. He blushed furiously and stepped away, his back hitting the stone rubble surrounding them. The impact shook a couple of small pebbles loose from their ceiling which prompted Thor to take Remus in his arms and shield him. Remus’ blush increased exponentially as Thor pressed his face into his chest.
“Re, son of Mus, perhaps we should avoid moving around? I think that this rubble is,” they watched another piece of dust fall as the rubble around them shifted and groaned, “a bit…unsteady.” Remus swallowed and nodded against Thor’s chest, totally to minimize movement in the rubble, not to be able to achieve bucket list item twenty-one from his high school days: rub his face against a man’s tiddies. Nope. Totally not.
As Remus tried to distract himself from the muscular man in front of him, his thoughts turned to the ever-growing walls once again. Remus could feel his heartbeat rising as his lungs struggled to take in deep breaths. The walls seemed to be closing in from the corner of his eyes, and the roof was getting closer and closer and—Thor patted Remus’ head, catching his attention once more.
“Hey Remus, who do you think that little barbie doll up there is? With the ugly blonde bob that looks like a two-year-old cut it with playdoh scissors?” Thor inquired, looking and pointing upwards.
Remus paused, his unsteady breathing suddenly coming to a halt in shock. “What?” He looked up. Sure enough, his great, wonderful, talented, muscular, toned, beautiful, skilled, friend Yelena Belova stood above the rubble, her grappling hook shooting down towards them.
Suddenly, Thor’s protective grasp of Remus intensified and he quickly turned, taking the blow from the hook against his back. Then he turned back up and began cursing like a sailor. “Who do you think you are, you feeble miscreant with play-doh hair! Ruining my first date in years with your foolish antics! Go back to your mother’s womb, mortal.”
Remus would have regularly been embarrassed, but given the exasperation of this whole situation, he decided to shoot Yelena a snarky grin. She smirked back knowingly. She tossed down a crow bar, which was swiftly caught by Thor and chucked away.
“Tossing sticks now, are we? Just because your little toy gun failed to damage my plates of muscle? Try harder next time, little miss. Hah-hah-hah!”
She groaned and tossed down Thor’s hammer, almost knocking Remus unconscious. Thor extended a muscular arm over Remus and caught it, his muscles straining under the weight of glory.
“Wait what? You can hold Mjölnir?”
Yelena sighed, “Yeah yeah, here’s Johnathan.”
“I tell you, Mjölnir is a proud and wonderful name that was graciously given to this hamme-”
“Yeah, yeah, he wants to be called Jonathan. We have sleepover, he loves being cuddled. Also, we all know you didn’t summon him because you wanted to spend more time with Remus. He feels hurt.” Yelena rolled her eyes.
”That damn Barbie doll… don’t-don’t listen to her…Mjölnir wants me to get more friends…” Thor looked down at Remus, meeting his eyes and smiling at him. They had a moment, just staring at each other and smiling, while everything else seemed to fade away.
Apparently not faded away enough, as Yelena’s voice cut through the moment. ”Comfortable now, are we?” Yelena commented drily at the sight. She didn’t seem surprised at all. “Now are you guys going to spend all day eye-fucking each other, or is Thor going to use his big-man-god powers to fly you out?”