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Shuichi was surprised to see the Kokichi was already out of bed and getting ready for work. Shuichi usually was the one to get out of the nest they’ve made and help him get ready, since he did his work online while Kokichi had to follow a schedule.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes a little, looking around a little to try and figure out where Kokichi was without getting out of bed. While he was doing so, he read the alarm clock while glancing: 2:30 AM, Wednesday— Wednesday? Kokichi didn’t work Wednesday’s, and definitely not at this time, so where was he?
Suddenly realizing he had no idea where Kokichi was, his body was suddenly now wide awake. He kicks the blankets off and walks out the room, quietly mumbling his lovers name in hopes he’d respond.
Shuichi walked down the dark hallway, peaking into each room before closing the creaky door and checking the next. Each empty room made his pace quicken a bit more, the house was really quiet at this time which didn’t help to calm his nerves.
He made his way to the front of the apartment, living room on the left and Kitchen to the right, entrance door between the two. He glanced in the kitchen, the living room, then saw a familiar face sitting on the far left cushion, zoned out and nibbling a whine bottle that he lazily left pressed against his lower lip.
Shuichi’s body instantly stopped its panicked state as he saw him, safe and just on the couch. But then he realized he was drinking, and he was worried all over again.
Despite everyone betting on Kokichi getting black out drunk first, he never had any. Kokichi said it was the taste, but Shuichi had a feeling it was more due to the fact of worry; not being able to control your body, emotions, and forgetting it all if you have too much. The only time Kokichi drank was when he shouldn’t: to cope.
Shuichi slowly stepped forward and looks at him in the eyes, though it was purposely not mirrored. “It’s ah, really early you know? What are you doing up at this time? Everything ok..?” He spoke as softly as his voice could go, though it was a rhetorical question. Kokichi knew, so he saw no need to respond
Shuichi still waited for a few seconds before moving, giving him the chance to talk. He took a seat next to him, sitting up a little as he turns his body to look at Kokichi. “Did… Did you wanna talk about it..?” He offered in hopes it would be taken, it was a lot easier when Kokichi was able to be vulnerable like that.
He kept nibbling mindlessly on the glass rim, mumbling a tiny “not really,” as he kept looking out the balcony glass doors at to the night sky. “The stars are a little visible now, probably because it’s so late, more lights are off.” He mumbled a little, causing Shuichi to lean forward and look outside as well.
He hummed a small bit and glances back, “Did you maybe wanna go outside? We haven’t stargazed in a long time, have we?” Kokichi nodded a tiny bit, then set his bottle on the coffee table. “Alright, but it’s chilly.” He pushed himself off the couch and walked over to the balcony, pushing the doors open and letting Shuichi close them behind the two once they were out.
Kokichi rests his arms on the railing, gripping his own sleeves slightly while he calmly leaned on the bars. Shuichi stood to the right of him, looking up at the sky with the other, resting one hand on the railing as though to grab it. “It’s bright…” Kokichi mumbled while they stared into the endless space, letting silence linger for a comfortable amount of time.
“They are, beautiful,” He agreed, glancing over to see flickers and glistens of stars reflected in Kokichi eyes. They weren’t as big as how he had them around the others, maybe it was the shade, but Shuichi noticed how easily they caught light. He hated it sometimes, how even his eyes, a window to the soul, could lie and shine glimpse of joy with a smile.
Shuichi wasn’t sure if he realized, but even now he was smiling a little. His shoulders were relaxed, breath slow and steady, a sleepy look. But despite it, his thumbs were covered by his fingers in a fist, tight yet thoughtlessly. It was hard to notice, but he was grinding his teeth as well.
Shuichi took a deep breath and looked back up at the stars, “You know, I’m always here for you if you—” “Stop it.” He cut him off, making him pause and glance over in surprise “Kokichi, come on, I know you don’t wanna but this is serious, I wanna help you…” Shuichi pleaded, taking a small step forward.
Kokichi clenched his firsts harder and looks back at Shuichi with a less calm look. “I said stop! All I want is a break, to look at the stars with my boyfriend and think about nothing!” He shouted, “So just— just… stop it. If you wanna help, then shut up.” His voice lowered down, staring at Shuichi with his head tilted down.
They stared at each other in silence while Shuichi picked his words, “I can’t just let you— we can’t just pretend Kokichi! I care about you, I can’t just pretend like I don’t give a shit..!” He tried to not raise his tone, but it came out anyways.
With a more honest look in his face, he gripped his shirt over his chest and stepped closer, “Kokichi, I… I’m really worried for you, ok? You’re suddenly waking up before the sun rises but going to bed by the time it’s past midnight, you’re eating less and less, and your personality— I know you try to lie every time you think I’m not looking I see how fast your smile fades—“ “I said I don’t wanna talk about it so shut up!!” Kokichi snapped and raised his lips, pointing out and pressing Shuichi’s chest.
A glimpse of guilt was swatted away as Kokichi looked away, letting his arms swing down, “Just… stop. I know. I know you catch glimpses, I know I’m acting out of character, I know…” he whispered and turns his foot, pressing his back to the rough wall and sliding down.
He looked down at the empty ground, knees sliding up till they pressed against his chest. “Just— just stop trying already. It’s tiring, Shuichi,” he murmured against his knees as he hid his face under his arms, “just go away…”
Shuichi stayed in place like he couldn’t move, frozen up. Kokichi was here, right in front of him, but Shuichi couldn’t ignore the feeling, like he was trying to reach for the stars.
It was quiet for some time, swallowed down sobs feeling louder than they truly were. “Do you…” Shuichi spoke up, trying to keep his tone soft, “do you want a hug..?” Kokichi gripped his pants a bit tighter, “That’s… a stupid question, I’m crying and that’s all you can say?”
Shuichi huffs a little, though his smile only lasted a brief second. He knelt down and moved closer, making sure Kokichi wouldn’t have to move too much. He felt Kokichi lean on his body when he opened his arms, cold and frailer than he remembered.
It was a tight embrace, trying to protect and comfort the most dear thing they had. Shuichi bent forward, nuzzling into whatever part of Kokichi he could feel, whimpering out apologies that he wasn’t sure Kokichi could even understand now that his throat was staring to feel the impact of his emotions.
“Shuichi,” Kokichi suddenly said when Shuichi’s mumbles died down. “Am… am I a bad person?” He asked in a murmured. Shuichi paused, feeling like it was an insult rather than an insecurity.
“What… makes you think that..?” He questioned, although he wanted to just deny he thought it would be more helpful to listen than just shut down. “Because I… I don’t know,” he tensed up and slowly turned his head to rest more on Shuichi’s chest. “I know I’m a bad boyfriend, so it’s not a stretch,” he started, and Shuichi could see the stars glimmering brighter as his tears swelled up.
”I don’t tell you when I’m sad, I lie to you a-about things I swore I’d n-never lie about… I do things I k-k-know you don’t want me to, I act like I want us to—“ He choked with a sharp sob, immediately covering his mouth with shaking hands, trying to keep in the reactions that forced him to acknowledge this was real.
Thorns poked his throat as emotions became too big for his heart to handle, “I don’t d-do anything right but not beat you— and almost everyone does that so it doesn’t even count! I really do l-love you, but that doesn’t mean I’m any good for you…” Shuichi looked him in the eye, even if he didn’t look back.
It hurt but he had to see it, the way his nose scrunched and his eyes started looking everywhere but at him, the way his breath trembled as it struggled just to take a deep breath in without sobbing or trembling like a frail leaf in the wind, trying not to fall from the tree.
The way he held on tighter, like he knew he couldn't survive the winter and he'd eventually become nothing.
“I don’t want perfect,” Shuichi said clearly, even if his voice cracked or it hurt his throat to talk. “I don’t want some boy who… who never burns his food and asks me to make it and help clean after, or pulls my shirt when he wants a hug, or… or a boy who’s lived in a world where he doesn’t have to think about how his own body won’t let him say he can’t handle this alone because it's scared to be vulnerable again.”
He leaned back a bit in hopes Kokichi would look him in the eye, “I just want... you. I don’t care if you’re not perfect, and you struggle to be too vulnerable,” he murmured as he slowly reached up and gently cupped his flushed cheeks, “Maybe you don’t, but… but I see the good in you. The boy's himself despite the world putting you into a mold."
Every sniffle, every sharp inhale, every slight jolt when he tried to swallow down a cough of the truth. Shuichi could feel it all now that he could see past the stars in his eyes. He didn't mind that they looked less "pretty" without them, Shuichi liked this more.
He continued to try his best to say what his heart felt. “I notice the way you pause before jumping into me to see if I’m not in the mood, the way you kiss my tears instead of wiping them away, the way you look at my face and not my pants to see if I’m enjoying myself,” he confessed, laying out every little act Kokichi did for no reason other than he truly cared.
Shuichi slowly ran a hand through Kokichi’s hair, careful to not pull a knot that’s accumulated from Kokichi’s personal neglect. He never did use condition if Shuichi wasn’t there to put it on for him. “Maybe you’re not good at words, so what? You care a lot, I can see that if I look in the right area.”
Shuichi took a deep breath and tried to frase his words carefully to sound how he meant it, “maybe you’re… bad at words, but that’s doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, does it?” He asked, taking a strand of hair that was clinging to his wet cheek and twirling it behind Kokichi's ear.
“Maybe…” Kokichi mumbled his version of agreeing with a little sniffle, voice more nasally than it already normally was. But he wasn’t struggling to speak anymore, that’s the only thing Shuichi really heard.
Kokichi brought a hand up to wipe his eyes a bit, but Shuichi paused him by taking his hands. Kokichi looked up at him, clearly confused on his intent.
Shuichi tries not to smile too much, cupping Kokichi’s cheeks again and tilt his head up a bit more. “Do you remember what you always do when I cry?” He asked, hoping Kokichi would catch on since he stated it earlier.
Kokichi thinks for a moment as he looked up at Shuichi, sniffling a little after nodding. “Ok… I’m ok with that, yea.” He glanced back up at Shuichi before closing his eyes and placing his warm hands over the bigger ones cupping his face.
With a small slouch, Shuichi gently began to kiss the remaining tears that clung to his eyelashes, making sure each was soft and held meaning as he trailed them down his lovers soft wet cheeks, following the damp trail left behind before it could dry out. Even the ones that had already evaporated, Shuichi kissed there too, just like Kokichi would always do to him. It was silly, but it made him feel a lot more comforted than just wiping them away.
Eventually, Kokichi moved to sit on Shuichi's lap to "keep warm" Kokichi said, while they continued to look up at the stars. "How many?" Kokichi asked him out of the blue. "How many..?" He repeated, a bit lost on what answer he was suppose to give. "How many stars? Like, how many do you think there are?" He clarified.
Shuichi looked at him, then slowly giggled and looked back up. "I don't know, a lot?" He tried to say, but the answer wasn't excepted. "A lot? Boring... I'd say, like, a trillion!" He giggled and looked back up at Shuichi in hopes he'd just agree like always.
Their random talks continued while they both calmed down, letting fresh air come in. Kokichi never said exactly what was wrong, or if anything happened, but he got to hold him when he started crying. And on top of it all, he'd get to carry Kokichi, who had tired himself out, back inside and would get to tuck him in.
He was still worried, but getting to see his natural resting look as he slept next to him in bed was enough to let him fall asleep.