Chapter Text
HARRY
I didn't even dare to look up as they were brought out. Liam and Louis. I couldn't bring myself to look up at them at all. It was too hard to do. I wasn't even there, and it seemed too hard to look.
I was watching the news about the release of Louis and Liam. It brought back so many memories, but, let's face it, I thought of Louis everyday, and Liam was always mentioned by Zayn, who stayed a close friend of mine and Niall's.
"Why do you always watch the news about them? Harry, it's not nice to live in the past. Whatever things they did to you, they must be horrible, but we can get through this, sweetheart." My mum said as she sat on the couch beside me. I never took my eyes off of the ground.
I never told my mum or my dad about Louis. I never told them how he made me feel. I never told them that I was deeply in love with him, and that I still am in love with him. I never told them this because they would flip out about it. Everything would be blown way out of proportion. Plus, Louis probably hated me for how I ended things.
"I'm over that." I said, eventhough I really wasn't. She rubbed my shoulder and said "Good," pressing a small kiss to my forehead. Right as she pulled away, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it."
I only nodded and watched her walk away, feeling able to breathe again. I loved my mum, but having her always around, telling me that I'm home now, and I'll be okay, it didn't help. It was suffocating. I hated it.
I was only visiting her right now because she wanted to have a family dinner. It would be my mum, dad, Niall, his parents, Zayn, and me. I was 21 years old, but I still have never fallen for anyone like I did for Louis. Not even Niall- who hasn't given up.
"Ooh! Harry, Niall's here!" My mum said, and I sighed. I stood up from the sofa, turning off the TV, but not before seeing those crystal blue eyes look right into the camera, almost as if he knew I would be watching.
"Hey, Harry. Where's Zayn?" Niall asked as he walked into the living room. "Toilet." I responded, and he nodded. Zayn and I have been living together for now, but he found a good job and has found a place to be on his own. He's supposed to move out tonight, and I assume Liam would move in with him upon release. As for... Louis... I have no idea where he's going, but I hope he's safe.
Niall smiled at me and said "So can I have a hug? Haven't seen you in weeks." He said, and that was true. I went M.I.A. for awhile, the only person seeing any of me was Zayn, because I knew they were both getting released soon. I needed thinking time. A lot of it.
I smiled and nodded as Niall walked up to me, and we both opened our arms. Niall pulled me into the hug and held me tight. He took a deep breath, and I heard him whisper "I love you." I closed my eyes for a second, giving out a sigh as I said "Yeah. I love you, too, Ni."
He broke the hug and stepped back a bit, looking shy and uneasy. He gave a nervous chuckle and said "So, you look good, Harry." Then, under his breath, "Really good." I ignored it, and thanked him.
"You look good, too. Um, where're your parents?" I asked him. "Oh! They are talking to your mum about something. I have no clue what though. They told me to leave and mind my own business when I tried to listen in." He said with a laugh.
"Even adults have secrets, Niall." I joked, and he smiled. He opened his mouth, seeming like he was going to reply, but then he was interrupted by Zayn walking into the room.
"Hey, Niall! Today is a great day! Isn't today just a beautiful day? I love today!" He said, hugging both Niall and I by the shoulders.
"Um, yeah, Zayn. It's a good day." Niall said, pulling his way out of the hug. He looked at Zayn with a raised eyebrow as he said "A great day!"
"What's up with Zayn?" He asked me, and I frowned a bit as I said "He's happy. Liam gets released tomorrow morning. He gets to see the love of his life again. Now, who wouldn't be happy about that, Niall?" I asked, not meaning to sound bitter or hurt at the end, but I was. It's how I felt.
"Harry, I'm-" Zayn began, but I shook my head and smiled weakly at him.
"It's fine. I'm good. I understand. You love him, and he loves you. It's... it's great. I'm happy for you." I said, taking in a shuttery breath. "Excuse me." I said, leaving down the hall to just be alone for a while. I walked into my old bedroom, seeing that everything was almost all changed up, they were turning it into a guest room I assume. I sat down on the bed and tried to hold in my tears. I try so hard everyday. Every second. I've broken down a few times, and half of those times Zayn would hear and just hug me until I fell asleep. I've done the same for him. I guess that's what made us close. The pain.
I heard a knock on the door before Zayn pushed it open, frowning as he saw me. I sniffled, feeling one tear fall that I wiped away. "Why are you frowning, Z? Today's a big day." I said.
"Because you're not happy. I shouldn't have been so excited. I know it's hard for you. I should have just... I don't know. Held it in maybe? All of my happiness." He said.
"No. You have every right to be happy. You're going to see Liam again. You have every right to smile about that. Every right." I assured him. I gave a broken smile and tried to speak. "I'm fine." I tried to say, but my voice cracked in between and then tears poured down my eyes rapidly.
"Aww, Harry. You're not fine." Zayn said as he sat beside me and hugged me. "And that's okay. It's okay to not be fine all the time. Nobody expects you to be." He said.
"My mum does. She expects me to let it all go and forget the past and be happy and meet someone and love them, but I can't. I already am in love with someone. Someone who broke me, yes, but that I can't stop loving. It's stupid. But I just..." I grabbed at the necklace around my neck and squeezed it tight. "I haven't taken it off since I got it. It means so much to me. It's true. I was the only one who got to see all of Louis. More than the anger everyone else saw. I saw through it, and he showed me his heart." I said. It was so hard to talk about. All of it was.
"But your mum doesn't know. If she knew, if she understood, she wouldn't expect you to be fine. Nobody would. I don't. Everyone closest to you that knows and loves you wouldn't. It's okay to break sometimes." Zayn said, and I nodded, hugging him tightly.
"Ugh! It's gonna suck when you move out tonight. Thank you for being my support." I said.
"Thank you for being mine, too. Things will get better, Harry. They have to." He said. I hoped. I only hoped. "Now, let's go have a 'family' dinner." He said, quoting the word family, and I laughed. I was happy for Zayn. It just sucked that I couldn't be happy for myself.
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"So, Harry, have you found anyone that interests you?" My mum asked. She knew the answer to that. I wasn't interested in anyone. Not even if they were interested in me. I told them all I already had a boyfriend. It was a lie, but I was already in love. I wish the lie was true.
"No." I said, giving a short answer and hoping the topic was dropped.
"I thought so. And I was talking to Maura earlier today, and we thought it'd be interesting if you dated someone you've always been close to. Harry, why don't you and Niall date?" My mum asked, and I froze as Niall chocked on his food, looking up in shock. Zayn tensed next to me, and my dad looked bewildered.
"Anne, honey, you can't just tell him to date someone and expect it to happen." My dad explained. I was glad he was on my side for once, but I knew my mum was the one with power. She was tricky that way. She wouldn't win this one though.
"W-what?" I asked, not meaning to stutter, but I did. "This is the part where you say you are just joking, right?" I asked, feeling Zayn squeeze my hand under the table for my reassurance that he was here for me.
"Harry, please. It would be an excellent idea. You two have always been there for each other when you were younger. You've been through so much together. It's obvious there is a chemistry between you two, so why not try it?" She asked, not even looking up at me.
"Because it's not love!" I said, making Niall flinch a bit, but it was the truth. I didn't love Niall that way.
"You'll learn to love each other." My mum said, giving a dry laugh at what I said. She's acted this way ever since I was 'rescued' from Louis. And this was the last straw. I was tired of her pulling stunts like this.
"No, I won't!" I cried out. My mum looked up at me in shock and Zayn tried to get me to calm down, but so much was going on right now. It was too much. "I'm sorry, but I can't make myself love someone! That's not what people do! Niall is my best friend, mum, and I only love him as a friend. Sorry for ruining your little set up, but I don't love him, and I never will love him!" I raged out, just trying not to break down in tears.
I was glaring at my mum, nobody else even mattered. Nothing did but the anger I felt towards her. But then I snapped out of it as I saw Niall stand up and leave the table. I watched as he walked out of the room, and I felt bad. I should have handled the situation better.
"Excuse me." I said as I stood up and followed Niall out. I walked outside and saw him sitting on the steps to the front door. "Niall, I'm sorry-"
"No, it's fine. I understand." He said, sniffling a bit as I sat down beside him. He chuckled a bit and wiped some tears away. It broke my heart to see him this way. "I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been chasing and pining over you my whole life. I don't know what's wrong with me." He cried.
"Did I do something to lead you on? I've always tried not to." I said, feeling as if this was my fault somehow.
"No. Not even when we- well... yeah. Almost. But it didn't. It wasn't you. You did nothing wrong. I just can't get over you. Over the fact that I never had a chance. Because you never liked me that way. And... I know this is a tough time for you, but I can love you. Fuck, I can love you so much better than he ever could." He said.
"Stop." I whispered weakly. I didn't want the memories to come up. Not right now. Not in this situation.
"No, Harry, I can. I love you! I wish you loved me, too, and it hurts so damn much that you don't. I've loved you for so long, and I just want to be the one that holds you, loves you, makes you happy. But I'm not. And I can't pretend to be. I'm not because you can't let go of him. You can't give me a chance because you're holding onto the possibility of him coming back for you. But that's over, Harry!"
"Niall, please stop." I said, shaking so hard and trying not to cry. He took my hands in his and said "I'm here. I am here. He's not. I love you. Why can't you love me, too? And don't say because you can't because you've never tried! You've never tried. Never gave me a chance. Maybe I'm rambling, but, hell, I love you so much, Harry. And you're so beautiful, and he doesn't deserve you! He doesn't!" He cried.
"NIALL, STOP!" I finally yelled, having enough of this. "You're not thinking straight. It's late. You're tired. We can talk tomorrow, okay? Sleep it off. I should go home now. I need to get Zayn and leave." I said.
"Harry, just... please." He whispered.
"No, Niall. I will not continue this conversation. Not tonight. I just need time alone. Need to think. Please." I begged, and he sighed but nodded. "Thank you."
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"It'll be okay, Harry. Sure, the dinner was a bust, but things will get better." Zayn said as we put his last boxes in his car. I was upset to see him go, but I also knew it was a big step for him.
"I hope. I just lost it today. You know with the prison release and everything." I said, and Zayn nodded.
"Yeah. I get it's hard. I understand. Everything seems to be happening so fast right now. Five years went by fast." He said.
"Very." He walked over to the driver's seat, and I followed him to the car. "You sure you don't want to spend the night here? You don't have to leave tonight." I said, just really not wanting to be alone tonight. Everything was just building up quickly. I didn't fancy being alone tonight.
"I have to be there tomorrow morning. I have no idea what time the bus drops off there. I'm just... I can't believe after all these years I get to see Liam again." He said, getting emotional. His eyes became watery, but he was smiling.
"Aww, Zayn. I'm happy for both of you. I know it was hard without him here." I said, leaning against the car as he nodded.
"Yeah. It was. But it was all worth it." He looked at the sky for a second and then said "You know, the day they got arrested, I was so mad at him for telling them I was innocent. I was beyond pissed. I had no idea why he would do that, but then I remembered. He just wanted to protect me. I told him some of my fears. My deepest fears, and he promised to protect me from them. He did it out of love, and I love him so much. I just hope he still feels the same way." He said, sounding a bit upset at the thought.
"Hey, I'm sure he does. You two are so good together. Sure, it took him forever to figure out he loved you right back, but he did, and that's not something you just let go. Especially because it barely started and you never really had a chance. Now you get your chance. So be happy, Z."
"What about you?" He asked as I was about to walk away from the car and let him get in.
"What about me?"
"You and... do you think it'll ever work out? Do you think you two could meet up again?" He asked, seeming a bit hesitant to ask the question, and I understood why. He knew it was a sensitive topic for me. It was something I hardly ever wanted to talk about because the massive amount of pain was still there, still being held in my heart.
"I don't know." I replied, feeling lost and alone. "Nothing ended well. We were so toxic together."
"But you loved each other-"
"Well... I loved him." I said, remembering the time he told me he never truly loved me. It was all for show. Then he said he couldn't love me. He was bad for me. But I needed him. God, I still needed him. Everyday. All the time.
"Harry, as much as you try to deny it you can't. Louis loved you. He loved you so much, and he still does. He still loves you." Zayn said gently, and I smiled and shook my head.
"I wish he did. I wish that was true." Zayn stared at me intensely, and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking about all the times he's told me to stop denying what I know. That Louis loves me. He told me I was just being ignorant and wanting to push that away for fear of hurting even more. Maybe he was right, but I couldn't believe it.
"When will you open your eyes?" He asked quietly, but I just pretended not to hear what he said.
"You should get going. It's a bit of a drive. Hope tomorrow is a great day for you. And, um... you'll call, right? I sort of want to talk to Liam again, also. I mean, don't call as soon as he gets there- take your time. Reunite. Love each other. But, um, yeah." I said awkwardly, and Zayn smiled.
"I'll call, H. Might even visit tomorrow. Have a good night sleep. Love you, Harry." Zayn said as we hugged tightly. "Stay strong." He whispered, and I nodded.
"Will do. Love you." I backed away, letting him get into his car. He turned the car on, lights shining directly in my eyes, so I put my hand infront of them to block it.
He waved goodbye to me, and I waved right back. I stood there, watching as the tires made a crunching sound against the driveway, and then Zayn drove down the street. That was it. Nothing more or less.
I walked back into my house and closed the door, locking it behind me. I looked around in the dark, hating everything. I gave a shaky breath as I slid down the door and cried into my knees. Because I was alone. Alone just like I always was. Alone. In that small room with no furniture but the bed. Alone. Just like how it all started.