Chapter Text
Lets take a look into the journal of Mike Wheeler..
The Byers had just moved to California. Mike wrote 12 letters during their time apart.
NOTES:
Dear will, October 17th, 1985
This is the first letter I'm writing to you. And the first letter that you'll never see from me.
My mom said it's important to put my feelings in a journal so I can cope with the last few years. She says I've been “struggling more” since last Friday. The only problem is I don't want to write to myself. So I decided to write to you, Will. It makes me feel like I'm closer to you, like I'm having a conversation with my best friend.
It's been a few days since you left for California. And it's hard not calling you every hour of the day. But I know you have a life now and I don't want to come off as.. Weird. Or clingy. I just want to know how it's been treating you. El wrote me when you both landed and said it's hot like summer. I hope that's good for you, I know you struggle with the cold.
I've had a few days to think about what had happened before you left. Those last moments leading up to me not seeing you for a long, long time. It was hard to see you go, and El and your mom. That day when we were packing plays in my mind a lot too. The hugs I shared with everyone. Honestly it felt like I could just melt when we hugged. And maybe I wanted that. I wanted the ground to start sinking into quicksand and swallow us whole. Into a place no one but us could be. Where we could play DND and be happy, with our friends too.
While we were helping you all pack, I saw you were donating your DND box and I was so confused. You said you don't need it anymore and I couldn't help but blame myself for that. You asked to play so much this year but Lucas and I were too busy with max and el. I was dying to know what was going on in your mind.
I said something about how you should keep it, if you joined another party. I couldn't bare the thought of you just letting it go. Especially if I knew it was partly my fault. But then you said that wasn't possible. You wouldn't want to join another party. You smiled the way you do so well and walked away. I just couldn't get that moment out of my head. The way you make my mood switch just by smiling at me. It made me realize how much I'm really going to miss you. I know I have Dustin and Lucas and Max and all the others. But you are different. You get me.
El said she loved me after that. I guess that has nothing to do with this so i don't know why I'm bringing it up. I was awkward and didn't know what to say. Relationships are hard. I guess I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, or be a boyfriend. I was distracted that whole day because I knew you guys were leaving. And when she kissed me.. I don't know. It felt kind of wrong almost. Wrong time maybe?
I know, I know. If you were here you'd tell me it takes time. And to keep going forward I'll feel more confident in myself and in her. It's just hard. There's a part of me that is glad that me and El can have some space. Maybe that's crazy to say.. I just felt so much pressure to say certain words, and get the energy to fight for what we had.
But I think I just felt awkward because she said she loved me. I don't know why but I just can't say that word to her. I think I'm just too nervous too. I know that I do. For sure. How can I not?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that girlfriends suck. Not that el sucks but I just want to hang out with you. It's easier, our old friend group before everything. You're my best friend and I miss us hanging out.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, November 25th, 1985
It's been a month since you guys moved away. I'm really missing everyone. El especially. It feels weird not having her around. I think it's because I felt safe around her because of her powers. Since she's gone, it's like I'm extra scared if a demo ever shows up again. I know it wont but.. she was so good at protecting everyone. Not that that's her only purpose though. But you get what I mean.
Anyway, what else is new with me? The past few weeks have been kind of boring. Yeah everyone is hanging out.. but you're not there, our group feels so empty. Max isn't hanging out with us much anymore. Lucas says she doesn't talk to him like she used to. He thinks she's really sad because of Billy. It makes sense.
I went to visit your house again yesterday, I was just biking around and ended up on your street. It was so weird seeing it with no one in it. I looked at your window and couldn't help picturing you in your room. Or me in there with you. I went to castle buyers too. I can't believe that rainstorm really crushed it, after all these years it's just gone. You really loved that place and I loved seeing you in it, you know?
I've been thinking about fixing it back up lately but I guess I realized someone would probably move into your house soon and get rid of the rest of it. Yesterday just felt different though. It's embarrassing to admit but I dug through the wood pieces to look for something of yours, anything to remember the old days. I know you got most of it out when you left like the blankets and whatever. But I did find something.
I ended up going home with a small piece of wood, (just for the memory) and a ripped picture of the four of us. You, me, Lucas, and Dustin. It was Halloween last year. We all looked so much younger. Crazy what puberty does in a year. But I couldn't help but wonder why it was ripped. I've been thinking about it all day now. Maybe that night was harder for you than I thought. I should have played DND with you.
Was it you that did that or maybe the storm.. You and I were in the middle of the picture. Anyways I taped it back up and put it on my wall. It makes more sense that way. Us standing together rather than ripped apart. I'm looking at it as I'm writing this now. I'm starting to realize how much I really miss you. you guys.
I really regret all of what happened. If you really sit and think about it, you went through so so so much. You were gone in that hellscape without all alone. And when you come back, we're all just over dnd and everything you liked. We had girlfriends and I guess we grew up. But you weren't there for that. I wish we were able to grow up together. Maybe you'd have a girlfriend too and we would go on double dates.
I'd imagine she'd have big curly hair like Nancy. She'd spend her time in libraries with books but she would be okay playing DND with us. Her and Max and El would all be best friends and run off on their own while the four of us have quality boy time. That would have been nice. :)
Honestly though, it's nicer that you didn't have a girlfriend. I feel like if both of us did, we would never have time together anymore. Plus, I don't really see you as the girlfriend type. Maybe when you're older but, you're too free spirited now. I wouldn't want any girl to dim your light.
Anyways, I gotta run.
From Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, December 7th 1985
Winter is weird without you. I've been getting a lot of El’s letters but not any from you. I'm starting to wonder if you really did rip that picture on purpose. Maybe I did something to weird you out. Maybe it was what I said when we were fighting in the rain. I think about that day often. I said “it's not my fault you don't like girls”. I don't really know why I said it. And even if I did, I'll never admit it. Not to you, not to me, not on paper. But overall, it wasn't something I should have said. You looked so hurt and you biked away after that. It's like my stomach turned.. upside down (pun intended). Funny?
You're probably laughing if you saw this.
I guess I can't blame you for not writing to me. Besides the ones on here, I haven't written any either. Just a few different tries but I end up throwing them out. It's hard writing to you even though you're my best friend. I've been starting to become more aware of how my words come across and how you'd take them.
Lucas was with me the other day, he told me Max broke up with him and he doesn't even know why. That made me really question things and really think about you. I've had a lot of time to think lately. I don't want that to become us. Just stop talking with no reason why. I'm scared that that's what we're becoming. I only hear about you from El.
Honestly I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to only read El's letters to know what you've been up to. Maybe it's wrong to feel that way. And maybe I've felt that way for a long time. It's scary to feel that way, Will.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, December 15th 1985
Quick entry: but I've been grabbing presents for everyone. I kind of have something for everyone. Dustin i got specialized dice for DND and Lucas, I'm giving him a new walkie cause his broke. It makes me wonder though, what would i get you if you were here. I'm not quite sure. Maybe i would come up with a new campaign for you and put together a really cool book. It just makes me wonder. One of my calls went through this week and i wanted to tell you that, but i just didn't. You said California was nice though, that's good.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, December 24th 1985
Christmas is close, like tomorrow close? Time has gone by so slow and so fast. I wonder what you've been up to. I hope you're drawing. Maybe I'll get to see your art again someday. The drawings you have given to me are still on my wall. I don't think I'll ever take them down. It's a nice reminder that you still exist. And of our old friend group.
I've been calling a few times, the first was kind of an impulse. It was 2am. Of course you wouldn't have answered. But it gave me the courage to call again the next day, and a week after that. But the line is always busy. And when it's not, and I hear the ringing, my heart pounds so fast I feel like it will explode. I guess I'm scared of what to say. Scared that I wont have anything to say at all.
El said you both are starting school soon. I want you to make friends. But no one is better than me, okay Will? I'm number one in your heart, I hope.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, January 5th 1986
School started up again after winter break. A lot of things are different this year other than Max. Lucas is on the basketball team and he's kind of becoming a normal popular guy. He still hangs out with us don't worry.
Dustin made us join a new DND club with him. It's called the Hellfire Club. I don't know if you remember Eddie? I never really talked to him before Hellfire but Dustin really liked him. He's the club's president kind of.
Anyway we wanted to start DND again in memory of you. I guess that's how I see it but I think Lucas and Dustin just missed playing. We forgot how fun it is. It's still not the same without you. Eddie gave us these matching tee shirts. It's honestly nice to be acting normal again, having a hobby and a passion other than killing monsters.
When I look at the logo on the shirt, I like to picture you drawing a form of it. But better. Right now it has a big skull head with weapons. Maybe you'd turn the head into a dragon or something cool like that.
Anyways, I think that's all the updates I have right now. Maybe I'll try writing a bit more about my feelings and other stuff. It does feel nice to write.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, January 16th 1986
How do you know if something is.. Right for you? It's probably just because El is so far away and I haven't seen her, but I'm not sure if my feelings are what I'm supposed to feel? For example: she says how much she misses me and I feel the same, I do! But, she says in a way where her heart feels like it's going to explode. I don't feel like that. I'm starting to wonder if maybe there's something wrong with me.
I wish I could ask for your opinion. You usually have just the right thing to say to make me feel fine again. I just feel like I'm going crazy. Maybe Lucas could help but I don't want to bother him. He's still hurt by Max and honestly, I'm concerned for Max too. I don't know why she did that. Lucas really liked her. He's willing to keep fighting for her, like when they have broken up in the past however many times.
But when El broke up with me, I kind of just accepted it?
Fuck. I'm a really bad boyfriend. Maybe I've been feeling like this for a long time. Me and El, we don't really have actual conversations that much. Summer last year, we just made out all the time. Which was pretty fun. I liked the thrill of it. Maybe I'm still feeling what i felt then, playful could be a word to describe it. But not seriously. I like her. but..
Also, I just finished writing El another letter. She's starting to say “Love” a lot more. She's been capitalizing it or making the word darker with her pencil. I know I'm clueless to most things but not to this. I don't know what to do. I just can't say it. Friends don't lie.
Maybe ill try calling tomorrow, but I doubt it will go through.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, February 9th, 1986
I just got another letter from El. She says it's been 125 days since you guys moved away. Probably more than that now considering how long it takes to mail something. El says you are painting. I'm truly happy for you, truly. I hate that I can't see them. But she says it's for a girl. Fuck Will. a girl? I thought you were better than this. I thought you wanted to play DND with me and the gang forever and forget about girls.
Not that girlfriends are a problem. That came out wrong. Sorry.
It just kills me that you're changing and I can't even see it. I imagine everyone at school is obsessed with the new mystery boy from Hawkins. You probably have girls at your feet. Maybe even party invites. I guess I can't say much because I'm with el, but I thought maybe you were different.
She also says your mom has a job where she calls on the phone all day. That explains a lot, why it never goes through. At least I know that for a fact now.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, February 12th, 1986
Who is this girl, Will? It's been a few days and I'm still thinking about it. El sent another letter saying there's a girl in your class who's been staring at you. Maybe it's her? It's honestly embarrassing how much I can't get over this. I should be happy for you right? You are off living your own life and painting for other people than me. It's cool and all. I think I'm going to try and call again later. Maybe I'll write to ell and ask her about it?
No, I couldn't do that. That's selfish.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, February 13th, 1986
Today at school Dustin told me to shut up about you. I guess I've been talking too much lately. I'm just so excited to come to California to see you. I'm excited to hang out with my girlfriend too and you. We just made plans, Nancy and me. But I don't know if she's coming anymore. She said something about Jonathan not coming or that she was busy.
Anyways, I've been writing a lot lately. I need to focus on school before the break starts. So I probably won't write anything for a long time. I think I've gotten a lot of my feelings out, enough to be okay for a while without this diary, letters to you.
I'm sure you're focusing on school too. I can't believe it's been so long and I haven't even heard your voice that much. I hate your moms stupid job. I wish I knew when her off days were. But honestly, it's been so long I think it would be awkward if I called. I can wait one more month. I hope you don't hate me. Fuck, or think i hate you…
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, March 22, 1986
Hi, might as well whip this thing out for a sec to catch up.
Yeah Nancy is officially not coming, I just asked. I leave for the plane in a few hours. Today feels extra special to me but I don't know why. Well it's probably because I'm seeing you guys soon, but I feel like something is missing in a way, maybe? Like I'm forgetting something very important. I think it's just airplane packing stress. All I know is that I'm going to see El. She's sounding so excited in her letters.
My latest call with you was short. like the rest. Your mom needed to work soon. I think I'm just being weird and awkward. That was a week ago.
It's going to be weird seeing you though. Since we haven't really talked. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm sure I'm going to be fine. Maybe i should have called you more often, enough times to where it goes through.
And we can get the awkwardness from distance out of the way and be back to normal. I don't know. Maybe I should have brought Lucas and Dustin but they had plans.
I think I'm going to bring this diary. I wasn't planning on it, but i seem to have a lot of thoughts to get out right now. I think I'm frantic. Nervous or something.
It will be cool though.
From, Mike
NOTES:
Dear Will, 2 Hours Later: March 22, 1986
Hi Diary Will.
I'm on a plane right now. I'm so nervous I could faint probably. There's a really big man sitting next to me and his muscled arm is almost on top of me from how huge he is. They should make wider seats. Honestly I've been glancing at it and it's kind of an interesting sight. I've never seen such strong muscles up close before.
Now I feel like a weird creep because he just looked at me. oops..
I'm mainly writing here because I'm kind of freaking out more than I have all this time. El said it's been a year, I know it hasn't but it has honestly felt like it. She's right. I know it will be fine seeing El, she always knows what to do and what she wants. I just follow her lead.
It won't be awkward because of the distance. But for you will, I don't quite know. I truly truly haven't talked to you. It kind of feels like I have because of this diary. But I really haven't. You have changed, you are painting instead of drawing.. and getting girls. Probably so much different.
I need to come up with things to say to you. Maybe I'll just say Hi but I probably need to do more. Hug or something? Maybe I'll ask about your shirt color or if you're holding something.
I'm sure it will be fine. I'll stop writing now because I'll just freak out more. Hopefully it's not awkward between me and Jonathan. Or Joyce. Or maybe El will be awkward. Or.. ok I'm fine
See you soon..
From, Mike