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The emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix was not going well.
"We need new strategies," Mad-Eye Moody growled, his magical eye spinning frantically. "The Death Eaters are getting bolder. We lost three safe houses last month."
"Perhaps if we coordinated better with the Aurors – " Kingsley began.
"The Ministry's compromised," Sirius interrupted. "We can't trust – "
"EXCUSE ME," said Neville Longbottom, standing up so fast his chair fell over.
The room went silent. Neville rarely spoke up at Order meetings, and when he did, it was usually to apologize for knocking something over. Which, to be fair, he had just done.
"Yes, Neville?" Dumbledore asked kindly, eyes twinkling with curiosity.
Neville took a deep breath. "Why don't we just use Mandrakes?"
Another silence, this one confused.
"Use... Mandrakes?" Remus repeated slowly.
"As weapons," Neville clarified. "Their cry is fatal to anyone who hears it. We could bring them to battles, pull them out of the soil, and boom – instant Death Eater neutralization."
The silence stretched longer.
"That's..." Tonks started.
"Actually brilliant?" Moody finished, his normal eye widening.
"NO," Professor Sprout said loudly, standing up from her corner. "Absolutely not."
"Why not?" Neville asked. "Think about it – we could transport them in pots, keep earmuffs on standby for our side, and when the Death Eaters show up – " He made a pulling motion. " – screaming botanical warfare."
"I'll tell you why not," Sprout said, her face reddening. "Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to grow a mature Mandrake? MONTHS. And you want to use them as GRENADES?"
"Well, yes – "
"Those plants are EXPENSIVE, Mr. Longbottom! Each one costs forty Galleons! You're talking about weaponizing the equivalent of a year's supply of Skele-Gro!"
"But they'd save lives – "
"They'd save ONE life EACH if you let them mature properly and make the potion! That's their PURPOSE! Not to be... to be SUICIDE BOMBERS!"
Sirius leaned over to Remus. "She's really passionate about this."
"And know something about muggle weapons."
"It's rather compelling, though," Hermione said thoughtfully. She'd been allowed to attend as an auxiliary member now that she was of age. "The tactical applications are significant. A Mandrake could incapacitate dozens of enemies at once."
"And dozens of ALLIES if someone forgets their earmuffs!" Sprout shot back.
"We could establish protocols – " Hermione started.
"Oh yes, PROTOCOLS! Because those always work perfectly in the middle of combat!" Sprout was practically vibrating now. "Let me paint you a picture: You're in battle. You're terrified. Your hands are shaking. You reach for your Mandrake, but your earmuffs slip – just a FRACTION – and you hear the scream. Now you're dead AND we've wasted a perfectly good medicinal plant!"
"We could use Silencing Charms – " Neville tried.
"Then it WOULDN'T SCREAM, would it?!"
"Directional earmuffs?" Ron suggested.
"THAT'S NOT A THING!"
"It could be a thing," Fred said.
"We could probably invent it," George added.
"DO NOT ENCOURAGE THIS!" Sprout wheeled on Dumbledore. "Albus, tell them this is insane!"
Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I must admit, it does present certain ethical quandaries. The Mandrake, after all, is a living being – "
"THANK YOU – "
" – however, so are we. And if the choice is between the life of a Mandrake and the life of a wizard..."
Sprout looked betrayed. "Albus Dumbledore, in all my years – "
"Actually," McGonagall interrupted, her lips pursed, "there's a more practical concern. What happens when the Death Eaters get their hands on this technique? Because they WILL. And then we'll have Mandrakes being used against US."
The room fell silent again.
"Huh," said Neville. "That's... that's a good point."
"Furthermore," McGonagall continued, "the Ministry would have to approve the use of Mandrakes as weapons. Which means committees. Paperwork. By the time it's approved, the war will be over."
"Or we'll have lost," Moody muttered.
"Plus," Ron added, "can you imagine the paperwork if you accidentally killed a civilian? 'Sorry, Mrs. Henderson, wrong earmuffs, your husband's dead, here's a potted plant as compensation.'"
"That's not funny, Ronald," Molly said, but Arthur was hiding a smile.
"There's also the supply issue," Bill pointed out. "Hogwarts has, what, maybe thirty mature Mandrakes at any given time? That's not exactly an army."
"We could start a breeding program – " Neville began hopefully.
"THEY'RE PLANTS, NOT RABBITS!" Sprout exploded. "You don't just – they need specific soil conditions, temperature control, careful nurturing – "
"So you're saying it COULD work, just not quickly," Neville said.
Sprout made a noise like a tea kettle.
"I think," Dumbledore said gently, "what Professor Sprout is trying to convey is that while your idea has merit, Neville, the practical and ethical complications make it... challenging."
"Translation: no," Sirius whispered to Remus.
"I HEARD THAT!" Sprout snapped.
"Although," Dumbledore continued, his eyes twinkling dangerously now, "it does raise an interesting question about why Voldemort himself hasn't attempted this."
Everyone turned to stare at him.
"Think about it," Dumbledore said. "Death Eaters have access to Herbology knowledge. They certainly have no ethical qualms about killing. Why haven't THEY weaponized Mandrakes?"
The silence was heavy.
"Because..." Hermione said slowly, "it would also kill them?"
"Earmuffs – " Ron started.
"Would you trust your life to earmuffs in the middle of a battle?" Moody growled. "One slip, one moment of distraction, and you're dead. It's a weapon that's as dangerous to the wielder as the target. Mutual assured destruction in a flower pot."
"So it's useless," Neville said, deflating.
"No," Dumbledore said firmly. "It's a deterrent. The fact that we COULD use them, that the knowledge exists, prevents Voldemort from using them himself. It's the same principle as Fiendfyre – theoretically devastating, practically suicidal."
"So we're back to regular spells and luck," Tonks sighed.
"Not luck," Moody corrected. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
"Could we at least keep a few on standby?" Neville asked. "Just in case? For emergencies?"
Sprout closed her eyes and took several deep breaths.
"Fine," she said finally. "THREE. I will cultivate THREE mature Mandrakes for emergency use only. But so help me, if ANY of you use them before actual mortal peril, I will – "
"Understood, Professor," Neville said quickly.
"Good." Sprout sat down, still fuming.
"Excellent," Dumbledore said. "Now, shall we move on to – "
"Just one more thing," Ron said, raising his hand. "If Mandrake screams are fatal, and they make Mandrake Restorative Draught from Mandrakes... are the potion makers okay? Like, how do you stew a Mandrake without hearing it scream?"
Sprout's eye twitched.
"They're already pulled and stunned before brewing, Mr. Weasley."
"But how do you pull them without – "
"PROTECTIVE CHARMS! SILENCING SPELLS! LAYERS OF PRECAUTION! RONALD WEASLEY, IF YOU ASK ONE MORE QUESTION ABOUT MANDRAKE SAFETY PROTOCOLS I WILL DEMONSTRATE THEIR SCREAM PERSONALLY!"
"Right, sorry, Professor."
---
After the meeting, as everyone filed out, Ron sidled up to Hermione.
"That was actually really clever," Ron said quietly.
"Neville is excellent in Herbology," Hermione said, brightening. "Despite his awful gran."
"Though... I do have one question."
"What?"
"In second year, when we were growing Mandrakes in Herbology... why didn't Lockhart suggest using them against the Basilisk?"
Hermione blinked. "Because Lockhart was an idiot?"
"Fair point."
"Also," Hermione added thoughtfully, "Basilisk's a snake. No ears. Can't hear the scream."
"Oh. Right."
They walked in silence for a moment.
"Still would've been funny to see Lockhart try, though," Ron said.
Hermione snorted. "He probably would've killed himself pulling it out."
"Probably."
Behind them, Professor Sprout was muttering to herself about "ungrateful wizards" and "treating plants like ammunition" and "I should've been a Potions Mistress instead."
And deep in the greenhouses, three Mandrakes continued their peaceful existence, blissfully unaware of how close they'd come to military service.
Though if plants could feel relief, these three certainly would have.