Work Text:
To say Josh was nervous for the show was an understatement. It was one of their first proper shows together, a defining moment for them. And probably one of the biggest crowds Josh had ever played for. He was absolutely terrified.
What if he made a mistake? What if everyone realised he was just another kid from Ohio, not the type who was supposed to make it big. Not like Tyler.
Tyler needed perfection. He hadn’t said it to Josh, but it was obvious from the way he was obsessively checking everything. He’d never admit it, but he was a massive control freak. He needed this show to go perfectly.
What if you mess it up? He’s going to absolutely hate you. He’d never actually like a loser like you, he just needs a bandmate for the shows. You know what he’s said. Regional was really a one-man show, he just needs you to drum it live.
“Josh, you good over there, man?” Tyler’s voice cut through his thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m good.” He pressed his hands to his face, shaking his head. “Just nervous.”
“Hey, you’re gonna do great. God knows you’ve been practising enough.” And he had, he’d been obsessively playing the songs over and over until his fingers bled. He needed to be perfect.
When showtime came, Josh played well. He hit the drums as hard as he could, channelling his anxiety through his sticks. In the moment, he hardly realised that he’d made a mistake, hit the crash far too early. But afterwards, it was all he could think about. Josh started playing softer, hiding, terrified that Tyler would be mad, that everyone would notice.
Josh tried to focus on the song they were playing, but his head was spinning. Why had he ever thought he could do this? He didn’t belong up here, on a stage in front of all these people. Tyler did. Not him.
By the end of the show, he was breathing heavily, his hands shaking. Tyler stood close to him as they bowed, taking his hand. He’d surely noticed how badly he was trembling. They walked off stage together, hand in hand, the way they often were.
Tyler was talking to him, but Josh couldn’t hear a word he was saying. His head was far too full.
“-osh. Josh? Hello?” His attention snapped back to Tyler. “Seriously, dude, what’s going on?”
“Hm? I’m fine, nothing’s wrong.” Josh tried to pretend his hands weren’t still shaking, and that his heart was beating at a normal speed. “Just tired. Big day.”
“Yeah, it was. You did really well, man.” Tyler’s voice was kind, nothing mean-spirited to suggest anything in Josh’s mind.
Unfortunately, Josh’s mind could make a problem out of anything.
“I’m gonna… go find a shirt.” Tyler looked him up and down.
“Good idea. You left one in the dressing room? Then I wanna go back to the hotel, I’m tired.”
Josh nodded tightly and took off toward the dressing room. He threw the door open, and quickly spotted his shirt on the floor. He yanked it over his head roughly and tried to steady himself. Get a grip. Tyler’s going to notice.
Josh walked back out into the hallway, head spinning under the fluorescent lights. He took a shaky breath, suddenly finding it hard to stand upright.
Tyler’s going to notice, and he’s going to kick you out of the band. Who would even want to be in a band with you? You mess up everything you do.
Josh stumbled against the wall with a loud thud, trying to steady his breathing.
“Josh?” Tyler called through the echoing hallway. “You okay?”
He leaned his head back against the wall, blowing out a shaky breath. Footsteps echoed closer to him, almost as loud as his racing heart. Tyler…
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Tyler was worried, his voice soft.
Josh did everything he could to pull himself together, breathing heavily and pushing himself away from the wall.
“I’m fine, let’s go.” He moved past Tyler roughly, ignoring his concern.
The pair walked out of the venue, past a few fans, and thanked them for attending. One stopped Josh, grabbed his arm and handed him a bracelet with his name on it, with red and blue beads. It calmed him, for a moment, to put it around his wrist. He thanked the fan and moved on, catching up with Tyler.
The two of them hopped in a cab, Josh making a point not to talk. He thought that if he did, his voice would surely tremble and give him away. They made their way up to the small hotel room they were sharing, where Josh had offered to sleep on the couch for the night. Josh shoved past Tyler, collapsing onto the couch.
Josh’s heart was pounding in his ears, so loud he could hardly hear Tyler shut the door and sit beside him. He only realised it when he felt the couch dip, pulling them closer together.
“Josh?” He tried to respond, tried to tell Tyler he was fine, but he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t get any air in his lungs, and he thought he might be dying.
“Hey, Josh, it’s okay, it’s just me.” Hands were on his shoulders, squeezing gently.
Josh’s vision narrowed, going dark at the corners. He pressed his hands to his chest, trying to take a breath. He only gasped, his chest tightening. Josh thought he might have made a small, whimpering sound, but he couldn’t be sure. The room was closing in, he couldn’t breathe.
“Focus on your breathing.” Tyler’s voice was clear, steady. Everything Josh wasn’t.
“C-can’t-“ He choked out. Tyler’s hand moved to his back, rubbing it firmly.
“Yes, you can. I’m right here, Josh, let me help you. Listen to my voice.”
Josh tried to, he really did, but he couldn’t help it when sobs tore through his chest. Tyler would leave, he was sure. Tyler must think he was so stupid, pathetic, can’t even breathe on his own.
He knows you messed up. Everyone knows. He’s going to hate you, he’s going to leave you after this.
“Josh, I can hear you thinking. Just listen to my voice, okay? Breathe.”
“Sorry…” His voice trembled around a choked sob. “I c-can’t-“ He broke off.
Tyler took his hand. Josh hadn’t even realised he’d been clawing at his arm. Tyler moved slightly, close enough to pull Josh into a tight hug.
“Breathe with me. I’ve got you.” He felt Tyler’s exaggerated breathing, trying to match it. “Good job, you’re doing so good, Josh.”
Painfully slowly, Josh felt his heart rate calm down, his breathing becoming manageable. He leaned heavily into Tyler, exhausted.
What are you doing? You messed up, you don’t deserve a hug. Tyler doesn’t even like you, he just can’t leave while you’re being all pathetic.
A sob escaped him.
“Hey, Josh, talk to me.” Tyler was concerned, his voice all soft and sweet. “What’s going on?”
Josh sniffled and shook his head, pulling away. He dropped his face into his hands, trying desperately to hide his tears. Kind hands took his, pulling them away from his face.
“Josh. Please. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He tried to say something, anything, but he choked on a sob. Furiously, he scrubbed the tears from his eyes.
“You-you… you’re gonna hate me!” Josh finally managed, Tyler’s face falling.
“No, hey, I’d never hate you. Tell me.” Tyler’s thumb was rubbing over his knuckles soothingly.
“I-I…I made a mistake, I messed up, I bet everyone heard, and you’re gonna hate me because you needed the show to be perfect, and I wasn’t perfect!” He wailed. Tyler went quiet. “I’m s-sorry...”
“Hey. Was I perfect?” The question echoed through Josh’s mind. He’d been so focused on his own mistake, but Tyler had messed up, too.
“No?” He asked hesitantly. Tyler smiled.
“That’s right. I messed up heaps, I missed my cue, I wasn’t perfect. And, Josh? I didn’t even notice that you messed up. You play so well, I’m sure it just sounded like it was meant to happen. I promise I don’t hate you for that.”
He’s lying, he can’t wait to get away from you. You don’t belong here. You’re out of your depth, you’ll never belong at shows like this. The cheering was for Tyler, not you. You shouldn’t be here.
“Josh? You with me, bud?”
“Yeah,” he sighed heavily. “I’m here. It’s just-“ Just what? Are you going to tell him how you really feel? That you don’t feel good enough? You’re going to guilt-trip him into staying with you.
“I can’t do this. You…everyone loves you. They’re all cheering for you, and I’m just so scared that you’re gonna see how bad I am, and you’re gonna- you’re gonna kick me out of the band and…find someone better.” He finished miserably.
Tyler was silent. Wordlessly, he got up from the couch. He’s really going to leave you now. Before Josh could realise what was happening, Tyler was pulling him up too, and they were standing face to face, far too close.
“Josh… you are so important to me, so important that I can’t find the words.”
Josh looked down, heart racing.
“And I know I can be difficult to deal with, but you are my best friend in the whole world, Josh. You’re too good for me, not the other way around. You can call the shots, but if you’ll stay with me, then I’m with you. Forever. Us against the world, if you’ll have me.”
Josh looked up, locking eyes with Tyler. He nodded slowly. Tyler closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms tightly around Josh.
“You okay now?” Tyler asked, rubbing his back softly.
“Yeah. Tired. Need a shower.” He mumbled into Tyler’s chest, his adrenaline crashing.
Slowly, he pulled away, looking up at Tyler. What had he done to deserve a friend like this? Josh shut the door behind him gently, staring at himself in the mirror.
“Maybe it’s gonna be okay.” He whispered to the boy in the mirror, eyes red from crying.
Josh stepped into the shower, the cold water hitting his skin refreshingly. He felt like he could breathe again, his body relaxing into the cold. When he finally felt calm enough, he stepped out, pulling on his sweatpants and a baggy shirt. He also grabbed the bracelet from their fan, smiling to himself as he slid it onto his wrist. He pushed open the door to find Tyler sitting expectantly on the couch. At some point, he’d changed into an oversized hoodie. It was Josh’s, he realised.
“Your hair's dripping. You’ll catch a cold.”
“No, I w-“ Tyler cut him off, taking his hand and pulling him back into the bathroom. He grabbed a towel and began gently drying Josh’s hair. It had caught him completely off guard.
“You know, it drives me crazy that you don’t dry off all the way after a shower,” Tyler muttered casually, still drying his hair.
“Oh. Sorry.” He mumbled softly. Tyler paused.
“It doesn’t actually bother me. Maybe now isn’t the time for joking. You know, I think this is the best we’re gonna get.” Tyler put the towel back, ruffling his hand through Josh’s fluffy hair.
Josh only stared at him, stared at the soft expression on his face, admired how his hair stuck up at all the wrong angles and how his eyes would get so focused on whatever he was looking at. Tyler looked at him, and Josh averted his eyes, fiddling with his bracelet.
“Bedtime, I think. I’m tired too.” Josh nodded, letting Tyler drag him out of the small bathroom.
God, he was tired, his energy had completely drained out of him during the panic attack.
Josh didn’t have it in him to protest when Tyler gently sat him down on the only bed, tugging his shoes off and motioning for him to get under the covers. He blinked tiredly as Tyler hit the lights, the room flooded with darkness. Footsteps walked away from him.
“Tyler?” He hated how weak his voice sounded. He hated what he was about to ask even more. “Can...can you stay here?”
Tyler reappeared beside him in the dimly lit room. Josh couldn’t read the expression on his face.
“I mean, you don’t have to, I know it’s weird, I just-“
“Of course I’ll stay. Move over.”
Tyler crawled into bed with him, so close Josh could feel his breath on the back of his neck. He rolled over to face Tyler, only just able to make out his face in the dim light.
“Tyler?” The other man hummed a response. “W-when you said, uh, you said you’d stay with me forever… did you-“
Josh lost his nerve, feeling Tyler’s eyes staring at him, at his mouth.
“Never mind, uh-“ Tyler reached out a hand, resting it on Josh’s cheek, feather light.
Tyler shuffled closer, their lips almost touching. Josh could feel Tyler’s breath, warm against his skin. He made the mistake of looking down at Tyler’s lips, which had sung so beautifully only a few hours ago. He looked up quickly, locking eyes with Tyler.
“Josh. Push me away if…” he trailed off, moving close, too close.
And then Tyler’s lips were on his, careful and delicate, like he might break. Josh’s breath hitched in surprise as he took a shaky breath against the other man’s mouth. Tyler pulled away, slightly, face unreadable.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cross a line.” Josh stared at him for a moment before grabbing Tyler’s shirt and pulling him closer, pressing their lips together roughly.
Josh felt Tyler inhale shakily, then lean in, hands fluttering across his face. Josh’s hands came to rest on Tyler’s cheeks, tentative at first and then firm, fingers moving up into his short, fluffy hair. Tyler’s hands were tangling in his curls, lips crashing into his as if they’d never get to do this again.
He felt Tyler move lower in the bed, kissing Josh’s neck. Josh shivered at the touch and pulled back slightly. He stared at Tyler.
“Sorry, too far?” Tyler’s cheeks were pink, and he was breathing heavily, looking at Josh somewhat nervously.
“Just-just wanna talk first.” He managed, feeling Tyler’s eyes on him. “I didn’t think you…”
“Liked you? Like this?” Tyler whispered, almost sadly. Josh nodded against his pillow. “God, Josh, how could I not? Look at you, you’re beautiful.” He blushed.
“So pretty,” Tyler murmured, fingers tracing over his jaw, wandering up to his hair. “Prettiest boy I’ve ever seen…”
Josh smiled to himself. God, he was exhausted, but today might have been the best-worst-day of his life. He snuggled into Tyler, resting his head in the crook of his neck. Tyler was warm, safe. Josh felt one of Tyler’s hands come up to cradle his head, the other resting on his back.
“Goodnight, Josh.” He whispered, his voice floating hazily into Josh’s sleepy mind.
“’Night, Ty…” He murmured back, snuggling closer into Tyler. He heard a soft chuckle as he drifted off.
“Love you.”
Josh tried to reply, but he’d already fallen into sleep, mind floating away to a world of safety and happiness.