Work Text:
“How the hell does this work?”
Dazai stood in front of the camera, attempting to tilt it in a way that you could see the whole room. He backed away from the camera, then adjusted it one last time. Chuuya watched as he fully came into view.
“Um, hi, can you see me?”
Dazai spoke, shifting on the stool he now sat on, his hand waving at the camera. His right eye was for once not covered with bandages, though his eyes were sunken and dull, giving him an almost lifeless look. The usual grin on his face was gone. He fiddled with a small note in his hand. Behind him was one of the walls of his shipping container. The space was illuminated by only a small lamp that sat on the floor. A few pictures are taped on the wall. Chuuya could recognize a few of the faces. One was of Dazai and his drinking buddies; he contemplated for a moment before putting names to the faces: Oda Sakunosuke and Ango Sakaguchi. Dazai had talked about them (mainly Oda) frequently during missions, with Chuuya and them even meeting once. The others were of Him and Dazai. Some he didn't even know existed. There were a few he could recognize, though. These included both him and Dazai at the carnival. (an event Dazai had dragged him to when he learned Chuuya had feared clowns.) and the photo they had taken when Dazai was promoted to executive. Making him the youngest one the mafia had known, Dazai’s arm was slung around Chuuya’s shoulder. He had his usual grin plastered on his face. Chuuya had looked ready to punch him, his face contorted in an expression of annoyance. Before he was to examine the other images, his attention was drawn back to Dazai, as he spoke.
“I wrote it down to try to make this quicker, hopefully this doesn't take too long cause i have to go, soon.”
Chuuya listened intently as Dazai spoke.
“Sadly, I still haven’t succeeded in my dream of a painless su1c1de~”
He exclaimed in a broken sing-song voice. Like he was trying once more to put on a mask, only for it to crack the moment it reached his face. It didn't matter either way, though. By now, Chuuya knew Dazai, knew what a facade was, and what was not. He could see the smiles and jokes that never reached his eyes, knew what lay underneath those bandages that Dazai refused to take off, and what he knew for certain was that right now Dazai looked broken, lifeless. More lifeless than he had ever seen before.
“I have always felt as if I were suffering in hell. It has seemed to me, in fact, that those who called me lucky were incomparably more fortunate than I. I must stop pitying myself... until I do, though, my life will be an unending nightmare. I will be living that nightmare my own now..”
Dazai's uttered, voice now hollow. Lacking its usual playful, teasing tone, he had always spoken in when talking to Chuuya. Like he finally dropped the mask, neglecting it as he spoke. Chuuya hadn’t heard Dazai talk in such a broken tone. It sounded raw and sickening.
“Chuuya, I’m sorry to leave you in this place that I trapped you in.. It's like there was finally a hole in the fence, one that I could crawl out of to reach freedom, but one you could never go through without getting snagged on the barbed wire. You're on the path to be an executive. A position you will surely be respected for. I greatly regret not being able to take the same photo but with you in my place.”
Dazai picked the photo of them at his celebratory event from when he became an executive from his wall. Grasping it in his palm, like it was something precious, something worth remembering.
“I’m so done trying to win this losing battle of this life, I’m done being just another voice that goes straight through Mori head. Chuuya I truly regret this but I’m leaving. Not just you but the port.” Chuuya stared at the video, eyes widened. The video continued but Chuuya had stopped listening, thoughts ran through his head like a river, one with no start or stop point. . He’s what?? No he can’t leave me here?! He brought me here in the first place! If anything I should be the one leaving him!! .