Chapter Text
Veronica shuddered. Images of her dead friend flashed through her mind. She stared up at her bedroom ceiling, wishing for the millionth time that she would wake up from this nightmare. It had been 2 weeks since JD tried to blow up the school. 2 weeks since he’d nearly blown himself up. 2 weeks since her closest friends, Martha and Heather M. had nearly killed themselves. She hadn’t seen them since days after the pep rally, when she sat in shock in a hospital bed. They had called a few times to check in, but could tell that Veronica wanted to be alone. Neither her nor JD knew why he had chosen to rip the bomb from his chest that night, but they knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was the only reason he was alive.
By some miracle, the bullet in his abdomen just punctured the skin, and aside from burns along his arms and torso, he merely had a bit of head trauma. He was discharged a week after the incident. He was okay. Veronica had a sprained ankle, a bit of internal bleeding, and a minor concussion, but she was discharged a few days after the incident.
The school had been shut down for the past 2 weeks due to a presumed “gas leak”, although the town knew the truth. Veronica knew the truth. Because of her, Heather Chandler was dead, Kurt and Ram were dead, Martha and Heather MacNamara nearly killed themselves, and the whole school had nearly blown up. If she’d never gone to Heather’s that day, none of this would have happened. Right? She had reconciled for the most part with JD. They had spoken a few times in person and over the phone, and the whole incident had changed him in a way for the better. He was still dissatisfied with the school’s hierarchy, but he no longer felt the urge to kill his classmates. That’s a good thing. Veronica had to believe that some good had come of the incident. He’s okay now. He’s better. We can be seventeen for fucks sake.
She was especially relieved that JD had confessed to the whole ordeal. Well, she told herself she was. Her parents had been angry and confused at first, but had tried to forgive her and JD. Veronica was questioned briefly by the Sherwood police, but they let her go once it had been made clear that she really had no idea what she was doing when the murders occurred. She didn’t feel innocent, but it was better than going to jail. JD was taken in for a short court hearing, although the crime was mostly dismissed due to him still being a minor, and his poor physical and mental state. Rather than being locked up, he was made to do an hour of community service after school every day for a month, and required to go to therapy weekly. JD was grateful for the incredibly light sentence and actually began to enjoy working in the gardens.
“It’s nice to let things grow rather than tear them down every once in a while, ya know?” He’d said to Veronica over the phone the night prior. Veronica did know. She was happy that JD was better now. Truly. But the awful crimes they’d committed haunted every waking moment. She was given sleeping medication the first few nights after being discharged to help with the pain, but now that that was gone she struggled to escape Heather’s ghost. She plagued Veronica day and night, and seemed to show up at the worst possible times. The thought of Heather following her through the school’s corridors was somehow worse. School started again the next day, and knowing that she would be back in that building made Veronica feel sick to her stomach.
Morning came early. Very early. Veronica stumbled out of bed and grabbed her signature blue blazer and skirt. She passed a comb through the ends of her hair, and somehow managed to swipe a bit of lipgloss on her lips before jamming her keys into the car and igniting the engine. She checked her watch and realized that she was early, which made sense as she’d slipped out of the house before her parents could force her to eat breakfast. She was too nervous to eat anyways. With that realization, she promptly drove herself to a 7-11, the one where she and JD had shared their first “date”. Without a thought, she grabbed a lighter, paid, and somehow found herself outside with the lighter in hand. She didn’t know what prompted her to do it, nor did she stop herself from flinging the cap open and cranking the small gear on the side. The flame was so small, mesmerizing. She could almost convince herself that it was harmless. She rolled up her sleeve to expose her forearm. Veronica exhaled and placed the light against her pale skin. She whimpered and drew back, examining the mark she’d left. It wasn’t good enough. It barely touched her skin. She should be stronger than this. She relit the lighter and swiped it against her skin, unwanted tears tickling the corners of her eyes. Her breathing became uneven and shallow and her hands shook as she held the pocket-sized fire against the exposed skin and held it there. She gasped, shut her eyes, and released the lighter, staring with a mix of pure awe and horror at what she’d done. Partially in shock, she tucked the lighter into her blazer, pulled her blue sleeve back in place, stumbled into her car, and drove the rest of the way to school.
“Veronica! How are you? All that stuff with JD and Heather and Kurt and Ram must have been so awful for you. What a tragedy, am I right? Glad things are better now! How are you?”
Standing by her locker, Heather MacNamara pulled Veronica into a tight hug, from which Veronica had to gently pry herself out from.
“I’m alright. Things have been so…weird lately. Ya know? But I hope this doesn’t change anything. I didn’t mean to kill them. I really didn’t.” Veronica wrung her hands tightly.
“Don’t worry ‘Ronnie, those three were bad eggs. The whole school knew it. And I forgive you! Anyways got to get to class. Catch you on the flip side!”
Veronica waved, her smile falling, before walking to her Science class, though her still aching ankle made it difficult. These hallways are packed. How the hell are we expected to get to class on time? A kid to her left seemed to appear from out of nowhere, slamming into Veronica like a freight train.
“Watch it, freak!”
Veronica pulled herself from the ground, wincing as she placed weight on her ankle. Well damn, it was just starting to heal. She gripped the nearest locker tight, and stumbled the rest of the way down the long hallway. She collapsed into her seat, and in looking around the classroom, remembered that JD and Heather Duke shared this class with her. Hell they shared the next 3 periods after lunch as well. Heather Duke wasn’t her favorite person in the world, but she had apologized to Heather for the awful things she had said.
Veronica had forgiven JD as well. Mostly. She was convinced that his near blowing up had somehow “fixed” his brain. He acknowledged the fact that what he’d done was wrong, even if he wasn't troubled with the actual concept of Heather’s death.
Veronica gripped the edge of the desk, pale and breathing hard, when she found herself staring at the back of his trenchcoat and messy dark locks. He spun around and waved to her, but his playful smirk melted into concern as his dark eyes met hers. You okay? He seemed to mouth. Or maybe it was Veronica’s mind playing yet another trick on her. She had yet to see the punchline. She nodded with a smile, but her breathing quickened as she caught a glimpse of a red robe in the corner of her eye. Not now for the love of god, not now. She knew for a fact that if she hadn’t already been sitting down her knees would have buckled. Her head felt light and dizzy, and Veronica shut her eyes tight. When she opened them again, Heather Duke had arrived and was exchanging worried glances with JD.
Class passed slowly. The class consisted of their professor reviewing material from before the "brief interruption”. Heather Chandler stood bored beside her for the duration of the period. Veronica eyed her over the thick science textbook her classmates pretended to read, exhausted with the presence of her dead classmate. Luckily for her, the ghost vanished minutes before the class ended. The minute the bell sounded, Veronica leapt up, wincing as she shifted her weight onto her good foot. Before JD could approach her, she swept up her belongings and began the commute to her next class. The next 2 periods passed in a blur, during which she stayed as far away from JD and Heather as possible.
JD felt better than he had in months. His head felt clearer than it had in a while, and he had finally gone to therapy to sort out the myriad of issues he had. Best of all, he felt and truly wanted to be alive for the first time in a long time. His arms were bandaged and scarred, yes, but he was alive and had finally reconciled with his favorite person on the planet. He had mended his relationship with Veronica after he’d made it very clear that he had truly changed, and the revelation was delightful. JD had spoken with her over the phone a few times since he’d been discharged, and had been looking forward to seeing her in person. He had been excited to see her bright brown eyes and bicker with her over stupid crap. Like slushies. JD had not been prepared to find her pale and shaking in his first period Science class. She looked tired, with dark circles rimming her eyes and hardly any color in her cheeks.
JD watched from across the lunchroom as Veronica nearly tripped while holding the now-full lunch tray. He bit his lip hard before standing up to help her.
Veronica inhaled sharply as she noticed JD’s dark form approaching her. She desperately wanted to refuse his help, but the lights felt too bright, her head felt too heavy upon her shoulders, her blue stockings scratched her skin, and her hair seemed to slip beneath her blue blazer and stick to the back of her neck like a spiderweb.
“Veronica! Hey! You okay? You look like you've got your hands full.” JD’s eyebrows knitted together in a concern Veronica hadn’t seen since the night of the pep rally. He took her elbow gently and led her towards their table, ignoring the glares pointed in their direction.
“Who me? I’m fine JD don’t worry so much, jeez. I just lost my balance for a second there.” Still, she let him guide her to the mostly empty corner table. Heather Mac. had joined Heather Duke, and they waved cheerfully at Veronica as she approached before returning to their conversation. Veronica picked at her ham and cheese sandwich while listening to the girls ramble on about the “correct” way to apply foundation. It almost felt normal, like their lunches before the murders. As if summoned by the thought, Heather Chandler seemed to emerge from the air itself.
“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw, damn it Veronica those bitches are enjoying themselves without me. Blah blah blah makeup this, makeup that. God they are such idiots. Back when I was alive, lunch used to be far more interesting. Wouldn’t you agree, Sawyer?”
Shut up Heather, for the love of god shut the hell up.
“Awww, poor Veronica. Miss me much? Those two can be so annoying. Aren’t they, Veronica? Well? Answer me your beautiful bitch!”
Veronica took a deep breath. She’s not real. She’s not real, Veronica. Breath. Breath! Veronica choked on the inhale, sending her into a brief coughing fit. She gasped for air.
“Shit Veronica, are you okay? You sound awful.” Heather Mac placed a tentative hand on her back,
“Yeah,” Veronica choked out. “Lunch is basically over. I’m going to grab a bit of fresh air before English starts.” Veronica promptly picked up her lunch tray and cleared it of its contents before stumbling outside and leaning against a tree. She glanced around quickly before pulling the lighter from her blazer and holding it against her wrist, relieved as the blonde ghost finally disappeared yet again.
By the time Heather MacNamara arrived at her English classroom, Heather, and Veronica had already taken their seats. It was not lost on her that Veronica avoided her eye contact completely, opting instead to scribble something in her journal. Heather’s lips quirked upwards upon seeing Heather, and she smiled in return.
Dear Diary,
I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. Since the pep rally to be exact. I’m sorry. I can’t seem to do much of anything right lately. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t get stupid Heather out of my head. She’s dead and it’s all my fault. I never really liked her anyways, but I didn’t want her dead. I don’t know what I’m doing. I took a fucking flame and held it against my arm. Several times. How badly damaged am I?
The final bell rang after what felt like an eternity. She hadn’t had any classes with the Heathers or JD, so she didn’t have to worry about making small talk. Martha had spoken to her briefly during Math, although they hadn’t seen each other since the incident. Veronica understood. After all, she had killed 3 people and then lied about it.
Veronica rubbed her left arm. Last she’d checked, the burns were red and sore to the touch, though a few blisters appeared on some of the newer ones. She kept her head down. Most of her classmates avoided her, but Veronica tried not to care. As she reached her locker, she felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Hey baby, haven’t seen you since lunch. There’s been a noticeable lack of pretty girls climbing through my bedroom window.” JD smirked.
“Yeah, well I haven’t been able to climb through much of anything lately,” Veronica gestured towards her leg. “But maybe I should invest in a ladder.” Veronica smiled. She really had missed him. Besides the murderous tendencies, of course.
JD laughed awkwardly and blushed hard as she kissed him on the cheek and ran off. He had missed this. Missed her. He wanted nothing more than to hold her tight and strip away all of her guilt. It hadn’t been her fault at all, though she hadn’t seemed to believe him when he’d said it over the phone. He wished she’d stop avoiding him. Veronica was the most precious thing in his world, and he’d do anything to make her smile the way she had on their very first date.
Veronica Sawyer did not come down for dinner that night. Instead, she locked herself in her bathroom, lighter in hand, trying to burn the memory of her dead classmates away. No matter how many times she relit the flame or how long she held the flame against her skin, the memory of Heather’s blue tongue remained in her head. Exhausted, she stepped into the shower and let the warm water rinse away her tears.
The next two weeks passed in a blur. The old burns had healed, only to be replaced with newer, deeper and more painful ones.
By the time November had arrived, Veronica had had 2 sleepovers with Martha, who had finally forgiven her, and 3 dates with JD, all three of which took place at their local 7-11. The third started like any other, with slushies and clever quotes, and ended around dinner time with a frenzy of half buttoned shirts and a slightly broken mattress. Veronica returned home that night, hair disheveled and quite pleased with herself. She hadn’t had this much fun since… well since the night before Heather’s death.
“Little miss goodie-two-shoes isn’t so innocent now, is she?” Heather stood in her bright red bathrobe. Veronica was hardly surprised at this point. She had grown accustomed to the ghost popping up at random hours, and was just grateful that she had waited until after her date.
“Trust me. Sawyer, I would rather die than watch you and your little boy toy. Oh wait, I’m already dead. I wonder why?” Veronica rolled her eyes and curled up into a ball on her bed. She was done with stupid Heather. Heather smirked.
“Bitch, please. You can run but you can’t hide, asshole,” Heather snarled. Veronica shut her eyes. When she opened them again, Heather was gone.