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Sun rays shine down against the grass, sparkling up the dew in a way Karkat has never seen before. It almost feels too good to be true, like he still doesn't feel like he deserves it. But he runs his fronds through the grass anyway. He allows himself to be happy, just this once. He smiles, out to himself. Alone, for only the trees to whisper about, for only the clouds to gossip.
Hopeful, he feels like maybe. It is worth it. Everything they went through, to get this, to end up being safe, maybe the pain was worth it. He never thought it was an option, for all that they've been through they had as most a happy ending as they could. The sun here, compared to his home planet, is so welcoming.
He digs his claws into the dirt, and pays attention the way it crumbles against his exoskeleton. The way the dewdrops feel against his skin. The wind blows against him, not hard enough to disturb him, but just enough to keep him from overheating. He takes a deep breath, his vision looking a little blurry. It feels so real, but it doesn't. Every day, he dreads that he'll wake up to find it was just another dream bubble. Just another glance at what they could have had. What he could've had. He gets too tangled in his thoughts, for just a moment too long.
"Hey Karkles." Dave greets, and Karkat flinches back, rubbing at his bulbs furiously like he hopes he could pass it off as just debris that got wafted into his face. The fear from the startle lingers, and holds over him. He knows that there is no threat, but the feeling still takes hold of him.
"What do you want?" Karkat growls, now taking the time to actually look up at him. Well, the both of them. June stands there, almost nervously panning her sight away. She pulls her skirt down, and adjusts her shirt. His ears droop slightly, staring at her. His crush never went away, although recently it's turned to a brighter color than black.
It's more easy to hear the scratchiness in Karkat's voice, the permanent strain for how much he yelled to make up for such fear he always carried. He stares back at Dave. He smiles more often. Even if it's only a smirk, he smiles. Karkat gets nervous sitting down, being so small compared to both of them. He rises up and still, he has to look up a bit to make eye contact. "Me and Junester were gonna go get lunch, then maybe head to the movie theaters. Wanna tag along?" He smiles big at you, leaning back and pointing his thumb over at June. Karkats ear flicks back, biting his lip. His acid track flips in jealousy, a gross, evil feeling. He breathes out through his teeth, pushing his feels down. He takes a moment too long to respond, and he worries that they notice.
"I hope you nooksuckers have an amazing time with that, oh so unfortunately I have plans tonight." He rolls his bulbs jokingly, but no one laughs.
“So whatcha got going on Kar? Maybe me and Jegbert could join you then.” Karkat slumps a little, making himself smaller. He crosses his arms around himself and snarls.
“None of your business strider. You have plenty of other people to pester.” Karkat pushes past, and walks away from them the quickest he could. He can't deal with anyone today, his pan feels too scrambled.
He gets hive later, mumbling to himself about how angry he is. He lives alone, one of the only of them to live alone. Everyone has someone. But his someone is…
He doesn't want to think about that before his nap. He slips off all his extra clothes and looks to the mattress he has. They couldn't figure out how to make sopor, so dry sleeping has been plaguing him. Horrible repetitive dreams that don't stop, not even dreaming will give him release.
When he wakes up, all he can think about is Gamzee. How he longs for him back, how angry he is at him, what would he ever say if he saw him? He was there, when the thermal hull was locked shut, leaving him to rot alive in containment. He got the last glimpse of him, and he was looking straight back at him. In his death, the last thing he saw was him. And Karkat did nothing.
The guilt still ate him alive, that was his moirail, he was meant to protect. But he had failed him, time and time again. And look where it got Gamzee.
He growled, and punched his mattress. He needed to go to training today.
……
He immediately returned hive once the lesson ceased. His muscles ached, sore from it all. He stood in the ablution block, stripping his clothes. He stared at himself in the mirror, for only a few beats too long. He lost most of his weight, still a little chubby. He wonders how Gamzee would feel, and then gets the urge to punch the glass. He ignores it, stepping into the ablution trap.
He feels the hot water run down him, and he stares down at his feet. Everyone else has their person. Even Vriska and Eridan, it baffles him. It baffles him how they were given an extra chance yet Gamzee wasn't. They were dumb, they were just kids. He was just a kid. A sickly feeling seeps through his stomach, and he wants to throw up. His soulmate, that's what Gamzee was. And now he's lost him forever. He's failed him, if he worked it out differently or just tried harder to intervene maybe…
His acid track twists. He remembers the smell, Gamzee smelt rancid. He bathed him every chance he could get, Gamzee didn't like being vulnerable and alone. Karkat's face scrunches up, he remembers the stench. When the honking that came from the thermal hull had stopped, and no more rustling or muffled growling could be heard. He was rotting in there, and he smelt it so strongly. That scent doesn't leave his pan for a few weeks. And he wasn't there for him.
He didn't ask him enough questions.
I didn't ask you enough. I never asked you how long you can hold your breath underwater, I never asked you what your favorite shape was. I never asked you what you'd want to be if you grew up. I never asked you anything, but I knew the way you'd relax and smile at me whenever you were near. I knew that I loved you and you loved me, and that I still failed to hold you above the water when you were drowning.
He tries to continue on like normal, but there's something wrong with him. He's jealous. Jealous of Dave, look at how happy they've become. All of them, but for some reason he is not. They could all heal, all be okay, despite all that's happened. He couldn't.
Rose had insisted to all of them that after the traumatic events that had happened they all needed a therapist, and that while there was no one else old enough on the planet, she would take the reins. Karkat disregarded this, and very seldom actually attended anything. Rose had noticed his absences from all of the group activities recently and pestered him about it. Eventually she had convinced him to attend a one on one therapy session on Friday. Two days away.
……….
“Whats been on your mind?” Rose tilts her head, sitting in a chair with her legs crossed. She rests her head on her hand and taps her pen on her notebook idly.
“Same old mundane bullshit.” Karkat growls with a little too much defensiveness. Rose makes a small ‘hmm’ sound and sets her pen down on her lap, wearing a long skirt that Kanaya had made just for her. Karkat's ears flicked backwards, pinned against his head. No way he can successfully lie to the girl who's made it her whole job to pry her claws down everyone's minds and force the thoughts out their mouths.
But she doesn't pry. “And how have you been feeling?” Karkat looks back up to her, sitting tensely on the couch across from her, His fronds rest on either side of him, and the more nervous he gets the more he claws into the fabric.
“Physically? Sore.”
“And what about mentally?” She nagged. He pauses for a moment, feeling his mouth go a little dry. He hated this.
“Not…the best.” He mumbled, and she quickly scribbled in her notes.
“Why don’t you tell a little more about that?” She clicked her pen.
“I…don’t…” Karkat's face burned with embarrassment. He made an irritated, buzzing sound. Something foul in alternia. He hated tripping over his words. He took a bit to collect his thoughts, he hoped he didn't take too long.
“I can’t heal. I mean, everyone else! Everyone else seems so fucking happy, even Dave. They’re all healing, but it's just not happening for me. I mean, I know I’m a massive fuck up on everything but shit, I’ve done all that bullshit that people say makes you feel better, but it all just leads back right to the same godforbidden spot.”
Rose listens, and nods once he's finished, writing a few things down as he goes. He feels. Like he's not there right now, like he's so scared, or embarrassed or something by admitting it, that he's completely blocked out the fact that he is a troll who exists. Barely a troll but still.
“I think your first problem is thinking healing is a linear, constant path.” She talks slowly and smoothly, a tone she must've picked up from Kanaya.
He doesn't respond.
“Healing is like a spiral. Think of it like that. And when something traumatic happens, it causes a spike in that spiral. So when the line loops around once again, it has to cross around that bump. But one day, it won't be there anymore.” She explains carefully.
He doesn't respond, the static of the room filling up his mind.
“You are healing, Karkat. It’ll take time.”
…,..,.,
He goes to sleep hungry that night. He doesn't have the energy to find anything. He curls up in the slime, nervous for the nightmare to come.
He dreams of that clown, the one he sees in every dream. There he is, right at his frondtips. Right there, hand on his cheek. For a moment it feels okay. It feels nice, being there with him again. The smell of his hair, the smell of his facepaint. The coldness to his touch, the way he holds around him. It feels perfect, the way they fit so perfectly into each other. The way that their horns rub against each other when they are perfectly intertwined with one another. He is his soulmate, it must be true. The palest feeling bubbles up in his acid track. His palest love, here. He's there for him, breathing softly against his skin. It'll be okay, as long as he has him. He can heal.
And then he wakes up, and he's all alone again.
I didn't ask you enough questions.