Work Text:
I stare into the bathroom mirror to see the dead look in my eyes.
It's 2:00AM and nothing is well right now.
Everything is horrible.
I've lost everything.
It's gone.
My passion for music.
Gone.
My friends at school.
Gone.
Vivid Bad Squad with An and Kohane.
Gone.
My boyfriend Toya.
Gone.
I hate it all, I'm never going back. I don't even know when things started to get bad, maybe two months ago? It all started after that one stupid argument with An at practice one day about notes in a song. It was so so stupid.
"God, I'm so stupid. Sososososo fucking stupidstupidstupidstupid." I whisper to myself.
I go back into my bedroom and curl up in my bed as I unlock my phone and look at Toya's contact. I start to type in a message to say hello or see how he's doing but then I delete it. I rewrite the message asking if he can talk on the phone now, I want to hear his voice, but there's no way he's awake right now, so I delete the message again.
I love Toya so much. We're both in Vivid Bad Squad together and we've been dating for a few months now. Toya is my entire world and sunlight. but I feel that the sun hasn't come up in a few days. I fear that I'm a distraction to Toya, he cares so deeply about his musical career and all I'm doing is weighing him down. I've put some distance from Toya for a few days so I won't be annoying to him anymore.
Same thing with all my other friends. I'm annoying everyone and it's holding them back. That's why I'm going to quit Vivid Bad Squad. The group will do better without me.
Everything is horrible now. I don't even know what's wrong or what happened but I know I don't like where I am right now. I need to find a way to free myself from this mental state.
My eyes are puffy and my faces feels as if I just dunked it in water due to all my tears. I don't even remember crying. So why are there so many tears that are still running down my face which has now soaked my pillow. Even my hair is damp from the tears I can't even feel.
I'm truly empty aren't I?
What day even is it? I have no idea if I have to go to school tomorrow.
I reach to pick up my phone but I drop it on the floor and it falls three feet away from my bed.
"Goddammit" I whisper to myself.
Pathetic. I don't even need my phone
or to check the date
or to text Toya
or to message anyone
I'm so done with everything.
I've lost it all.
What's there even to do if I'm at the bottom after loosing everything that I live for?
"stupidstupidstupidstupid. fuckingfuckingfucking hell."