Chapter Text
[《没通知我啊》的英文版本]
"You're married?!" Evelyn's hand slipped, and she actually dropped her mouse - something she rarely ever did.
"When? I wasn't notified." Matthias said flatly, as if she was telling some stupid joke he couldn't care less about.
"Then why does it say here you got MARRIED in the US last year?" Richard had somehow appeared behind the computer screen swiftly. He leaned in to glance at the screen, then slowly looked up, carefully studying Matthias's face.
Matthias looked completely baffled. In Evelyn and Richard's minds, he had always been gentle and introverted. Something as rebellious and crazy as a whirlwind marriage while studying abroad and then fleeing back to the UK simply didn't fit his character.
"Maybe... you lost your passport, someone found it, and used it for a ghost marriage?" Evelyn's face showed no concern, only pure delight at the drama unfolding.
"But why wasn't I notified?" Matthias still sounded detached, as if it wasn't him that is about to buy a house next month, and as if this sudden bug in his marital status had nothing to do with him.
"Florian Brand... sounds really familiar."
Hearing Richard saying that name, Matthias visibly tensed up. He finally grasped the serious situation. Seeing "Las Vegas" on the screen, fragments of memory slowly pieced together into an unbelievable truth.
That's right. He really WAS married. And he himself had no idea.
Matthias started studying in the US four years ago, at Pomona College in California. In his second year, through a joint programme, he met Florian from Caltech. Like a flame burning away the dead leaves in his world, Florian took him speeding along desert highways in California, to Niagara Falls, to Glacier National Park, to all sorts of places free spirits dream of – places he'd never had the chance to visit before...
And of course, Las Vegas. That day, he accompanied Florian to three bars, drinking until only a hasy consciousness keeping him upright. That night, Florian carried him, running wildly through the bustling, glitzy streets of Las Vegas. Even though Matthias was utterly plastered, he couldn't forget Florian's radiant smile under the neon-lit sky.
"Let's get married." Florian said, narrowing his fox-like eyes.
"Okay."
Everything after that was a blur to Matthias. He only had vague impressions: a shabby little church, no priest, flowers or rings. That church didn't even have a proper dome. Florian was laughing happily – though he always laughed a lot, he'd never seemed quite this joyful before.
"Do you take me as your husband?"
"I do." Matthias heard himself say.
But their three-year romance was like a shooting star vanishing in the sky – it ended quickly. Matthias finished his course and soon returned to the UK. His parents were still in the Czech Republic; only he could handle the family business in Britain. Florian had another year before graduating, maybe even a master's degree after that. Anyway, their life paths briefly crossed before they became passing strangers to each other.
Until today, Matthias had always thought that fake marriage was just a ridiculous joke. After all, there was no priest, no formal procedures. He didn't even remember signing any register at the chapel entrance...
"Impossible. That was just a stupid pretend wedding." Matthias couldn't believe his eyes. He closed them, then opened them again, but the "Married" status on the webpage stubbornly remained.
"That one was real."
"It's real."
"What?" Matthias felt like he was falling apart. His parents absolutely MUSTN'T find out. His rebellion and freedom were left on the other side of the ocean, just like his flame-rian.
If next month, when his parents came to the UK for the property transaction, that damned page clearly showed their excellent eldest son had casually married some random blond guy in sinful Las Vegas...
"You'd be disowned." Evelyn shook her head, patting Matthias's shoulder.
"Even worse," Richard chimed in, clearly enjoying the spectacle. "You have two possible outcomes. One, your not-yet-graduated university student husband gets half ownership of the property. Two, you get thrown out, and all your assets get transferred to your brother."
Matthias's eye twitched. He'd been out of university for less than a year, his career was taking off, and he couldn't let this absurd mess ruin everything.
"Alright, it's not hopeless. Get your... HUSBAND to come over," Evelyn deliberately emphasised that word, making Richard's shoulders shake with suppressed laughter. "Then sign some divorce papers. He can take them back to the US to sort out the divorce."
"He's not my..." Matthias couldn't even bring himself to say the word.
"Then what's this?" Richard pointed forcefully at the word "Married" on the screen.
"Relax, let me see... Las Vegas divorce... You just need to meet one of several conditions to dissolve the marriage."
"Conditions? Now there are conditions?" Matthias was getting anxious. "Why didn't anyone stop me BEFORE getting married?"
"Excuse me, was that 'I do' said by Flori... no, by your HUSBAND's ventriloquism?" Richard's smile was especially bright.
"Can you two stop saying that word?" Matthias sighed. "Stop joking, I'm really desperate here."
"Alright, alright. Let's see what the conditions are," Evelyn read from her tablet. "First, After the marriage, the two of you has never had sex."
Matthias's face paled, while Richard's grin widened.
"Next."
"Why 'next'?"
"Just move on. Second condition."
"Second, there was fraud, bigamy, etc."
"Next."
"Third, long-term separation, one showing excessive indifference..."
"Bingo. That's you." Richard tapped the table lightly.
"Right. Now everything's ready. You just need to go to the US, or your HUSBAND," she stressed the word again, "needs to come here, sign the documents together, then take them back to Las Vegas to file for annulment."
"We haven't been in touch for ages." Matthias was getting used to their gleeful tones. During this farce, he felt a faint sense of regret.
"Want my advice?" Richard managed to suppress his laughter.
"Don't mock me."
"No, really. I think you should pay for him to come HERE. That way, we have home advantage."
"Yeah," Evelyn agreed. "Otherwise, our innocent little Matty might get bullied in that sinful place."
Matthias had no time for their teasing. He urgently needed to solve this problem. So, he logged into his long-dormant email. There were many university group emails, and some from Florian too – electronic cards for Christmas, Easter, New Year's. He'd never logged in, so he'd missed them all. With formality, Matthias emailed Florian's university address since his US SIM was long gone.
"What did you say?"
"I explained the situation in detail and asked for his bank details to transfer ten thousand dollars."
"Were you funding a toy boy during your four years in the US?"
Anyway, Florian replied quickly. He agreed, no sentimental waffle, just some questions about the address and a string of bank digits.
Matthias felt a bit upset, but didn't show it. He just efficiently sent the info and had his assistant handle the private transfer.
Three days later, Florian texted that he'd arrived at Heathrow and was taking the bus over. Matthias thought about offering to book a taxi, but considering their awkward situation, he didn't say anything more.
Matthias's sturdy support system - Evelyn and Richard - was at the breakfast bar, examing his newly bought coffee beans, showing no sign of being on high alert.
"He said he's almost here."
"Good. We'll hide in the kitchen. If he tries anything funny or refuses to sign, I'll come out and go straight for his head." Richard said valiantly, lifting a decorative rapier that had no business being there.
"Oh please..."
"He'll sneak into your kitchen under the guise of grinding coffee and eat all your marshmallows." Evelyn said with a knowing look.
"How dare you accuse me, madam?"
"Then was it a rat that ate all the marshmallows in my kitchen after you claimed going to make crème brûlée last time?"
"Fine, eat them. They're in the spice cupboard."
Right now, Matthias had zero time to worry about marshmallow casualties as a bigger nuisance was furiously ringing the doorbell at an irritatingly rapid pace.
"We'll be in here making coffee. If anything happens, Richard will charge out and go straight for the head." Evelyn said kindly before closing the door.
Matthias wanted to calm himself, but the doorbell was being pressed to the point of madness. Finally, he went and opened the door.
There stood a face he hadn't seen in a year, still sunny and handsome. His flame was burning under London's gloomy sky.
"Long time no see, Matthias."
"Yeah, long time."
Matthias sensed trouble. He'd been perfectly calm before, but with Florian right in front of him, so close, his heart started pounding like maddness.
"I've already printed the documents..."
"How've you been lately?"
They spoke almost simultaneously. Florian paused, then took the papers, looking them over with a hint of saddness.
"I've... been fine." Matthias said hesitantly.
"Oh! That's brilliant. You're so clever, and you'll succeed at everything," Florian's face brightened again.
"Just sign here, please. And here." Matthias forced himself to be businesslike. He wanted this over quickly; he had a bad feeling that things might go sideways, "Then please take these to the Las Vegas court to file for annulment. If the budget's exceeded, I can pay more."
Florian leafed through the pages very seriously, then looked up at Matthias with a cheerful smile.
"I'm not sure I want to sign these."
Immediately, overlapping sounds of "Woooo!" came from the kitchen. Florian's gaze briefly shifted towards it. Matthias shot a resentful look at the not-quite-shut door.
"Why?" Matthias thought to himself that if Florian spouted any nonsense about lingering affection, he'd smash a cup as a signal for Richard to charge out and go straight for his head.
"Because divorce's not good for the children." Florian said with utter seriousness.
The room fell silent. Matthias instinctively held his stomach, then retorted angrily as if get burnt, "Are you kidding me? We don't have children."
"How do you know, Matthias? Weren't you only finding out about our marriage today?"
No time to deal with the faint snickers from the kitchen. Matthias urgently needed to pack this pretending-to-be-daft madman and those eye-searing documents onto the next flight back to the US.
"Florian, we both know that wedding wasn't real. I was drunk; I don't even remember it."
"But I remember. I remember every moment of that night," Florian said. "Don't you remember? Our witness was a Spider-Man with tights pulled over his head."
So that was a person...Matthias was beyond speechless. He was surprised to find that many blurred memories became clearer after Florian showed up, which is absurd. This sort of thing cannot continue.
"I get it. Just sign, please."
Florian pouted a bit, looking pitiful, but obediently signed the papers and held them up to Matthias. "There."
"Thank you."
Matthias let out a long sigh of relief. This farce was finally over. But Florian was looking around his place, showing no intention of leaving. After an awkward standoff in the living room, Matthias remembered he hadn't even offered coffee.
"Would you like some coffee?"
"No, thanks."
"Well, you must be tired from the flight. There are some hotels nearby where you can rest."
"I don't have money for a hotel."
"I just transferred ten thousand dollars to your account."
"I didn't bring my card."
"Don't you have PayPal on your phone?"
"Haven't downloaded it."
"Download it now; I'll give you the Wi-Fi."
"Phone's too old; won't connect."
"Forget it." After a brief back-and-forth, Matthias was exhausted. He sighed and said, "I'll book you a hotel."
"I had no passport," Florian said with a radiant smile.
"You what..." Matthias took a deep breath. He clearly heard those two by the kitchen door making "Woo~" sounds again.
"How COULD you get on the plane without a passport?"
Having had enough, Matthias yanked the kitchen door open. Richard and Evelyn immediately took a guilty step back.
"Weren't you making coffee? Where is it?"
"Haven't yet 😊"
"Looking for the beans."
"..."
Under Matthias's aggrieved gaze, Richard reluctantly knelt by the cupboard, slowly rummaging. Evelyn waved Matthias off to deal with the more vital matter.
"Got stolen right after I landed." Florian raised his hands in a gesture of resigned. "Don't believe me? Search me. Not a single piece of my luggage left."
Despite his words, those previously innocent eyes now narrowed like a fox's.
"I'll book you an Airbnb. No passport needed."
Florian clearly hadn't anticipated this move. The corner of his mouth twitched slightly, but he quickly regained his cheeky grin and leaned closer.
"No."
"What do you mean NO?" Matthias's face showed annoyance, his voice rising slightly, though it held little threat. Florian was so loud, his own heart was so loud, it was all so irritating. And among all this annoying chaos, he still had to solve this life-altering problem.
"Erh..." Richard suddenly leaned halfway out from the kitchen door. "Just grinding coffee in here, gentlemen."
"Sorry, we'll keep it down." Matthias said without looking back.
"No, louder!" Richard commanded, suddenly standing straight and looking serious, making both Matthias and Florian look at him in surprise.
"Evelyn's about to use the coffee machine, and I don't want to miss a single word."
Florian crossed his arms, watching them with amusement. Matthias stunned, then finally said in resignation, "Well, you might need to make an extra cup, cuz this mate wants to freeload here."
"Wow~" came Evelyn's voice from the kitchen.
"Fascinating. The plot is twisting and turning." Richard said with a satisfied smile, retreating dramatically and slowly closing the door like a theatre curtain.
Matthias sighed. Why were those two only good for spectating and stirring trouble in such case? All their usual cleverness vanished.
Turning back, he found Florian's previous chav-like act had completely disappeared, perhaps because the kitchen door was firmly shut. He took a step closer, as if wanting to reach out and hold Matthias's shoulders, but let his hand drop to his side in regret.
"You're right. I do want to freeload here. I want to stick by your side forever, so you won't leave me."
The faint noises from the kitchen instantly stopped. The whole house fell deathly quiet. Without Florian's noise, the only noisy thing was his own heart. Matthias felt it pounding so loudly and fiercely it made his ears buzz. He avoided eye contact, not wanting to meet that eager gaze.
"But," Florian picked up the documents. A few thin sheets felt surprisingly heavy. "I know I don't have such luck anymore. Those three years were really happy. So happy that I can live off the memories for the rest of my life."
Matthias jerked his head up. Panic, shock, joy, regret – what exactly was crashing around in his chest? They were already separated by the vast Atlantic, about to become strangers for life. His heart had finally settled down. Damn Florian, why did he have to pluck his heartstrings again?
"Goodbye, Matthias," Florian said, waving the papers, and turned towards the front door.
"Wait, where are you going?" The words escaped Matthias almost involuntarily.
"To the immigration office for temporary documents. Might still catch the evening flight," Florian held up the papers, giving Matthias a sunny smile. "Matthias has an important task for me, of course I'll get it done properly."
"But, but," Matthias felt somehow panicked. He desperately needed an excuse to hide it. "Temporary documents can't be used for flights, right?"
"They can."
"What about your luggage and passport?"
"Ah, nothing valuable. The Met will mail them to me when they're found," Florian shrugged, ready to leave.
"No," driven by some sudden impulse, Matthias grabbed his arm. "You can't just leave without a passport. Wait until they catch the thief and get it back."
Weren't you going to stick by me? Weren't you never going to leave me?
"Wow, hope no one use my passport for a loan."
Just then, a female voice floated out from the kitchen: "He doesn't want you to go."
Silence. Florian's eyes sparkled as he looked at him.
"Really?"
Matthias closed his eyes in despair and nodded.
"WOW!!"
Sounds came from outside the kitchen – something heavy hitting the floor, papers rustling, gasps, and noisy chatter...
"When do you think we can come out?" Evelyn finally pressed the coffee machine button at an appropriate moment.
"Depends on the situation out there," Richard stuffed another marshmallow into his mouth. "And the capacity of this bag of marshmallows."
Florian really did end up freeloading at Matthias's place. The man who flew across the Atlantic to sort out the divorce from a year-ago joke of a marriage was now living with his ex after signing the papers. A week later, Matthias was deeply puzzled to find that Florian's stolen passport seemed forgotten by everyone. The Met never called about it, and Florian, the supposed victim, acted like nothing was wrong. He spent all day glued to Matthias without once calling to check on the progress.
"How hasn't it been found yet? Heathrow has loads of CCTV."
"Matty, what if I told you... my passport and luggage are actually in left luggage at the airport..."
"So they were never lost?"
"Aha."
Matthias pushed away the fluffy blone head trying to nuzzle him and said distantly, "You need to go back today and sort this out properly."
"You don't want me anymore?"
"First, if my parents find out I casually got married in a place like Las Vegas, I will definitely be doomed."
"Awwww..."
"Second, I want the next time I get married to not be in Las Vegas, and not as a joke."