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Kanade woke up, smelling the faint smell of peach and caffeine surrounding her. She could smell something sticky and damp on her sleeve, and pulled it up.
"Oh..."
Kanade had spilled her energy drink all over her sleep. How did she do that? The last thing she remembered was saving her file, reaching for the energy drink and...
Kanade fell asleep while drinking an energy drink. Typical Kanade.
"Haha... I feel bad for Mochizuki a bit..." Kanade mumbled as she tried to wipe the sticky substance off of her desk. Honami would happily clean her desk for her, but that would also come with worry.
"Ms Yoisaki, did you get enough sleep?"
"When's the last time you ate? I'm sorry, is my food not to your liking?"
Kanade could already hear Mafuyu's blunt words as well.
"That's not healthy, Kanade."
"Get some sleep. Humans need at least 8 hours of REM sleep for successful cognitive function."
Maybe that was what Kanade was lacking, cognitive function. Because someone who had proper cognitive function wouldn't feel like they're dying just from waking up.
Kanade picked the can up, and realised there was still a little bit of drink left. She chugged the rest of it.
I don't know when the taste of peach became bitter.
Kanade grimaced at the bitter bite of caffeine. The sudden rush at her chest, her heart rate picking up. The world around her collapsed, she couldn't breathe. She was dying, but she was still so much alive. The sickly sweet peach only became a bitter reminder of Kanade's sins.
Because repenting is always easier late at night, alone, accompanied by crumpled cans of energy drinks.
Yeah, I'm here again.
Kanade died inside again. The familiar sense of dread overcoming her as the only thing left was her body, a body accustomed to working. Drink, swallow, work, compose. It was a deadly cycle, but she was use to it. The empty void welcomed her like old friends.
A few hours later, the sound of the Nightcord notification pierced through the same base track looping in Kanade's headphones. Kanade squinted at it.
Enanan: k, did u hydrate 2day?
Kanade did not.
K: i drank something, thank you for the reminder enanan.
Amia: and it wasnt energy drinks?
Kanade typed something for a while, then gave up. Her lie was already clear as daylight. Then the typing notification disappeared, Mizuki immediately started typing.
Amia: K DID YOU FAINT WHILE TYPING
OMG NO DONT DIE UR TOO SEXY
DONT GO INTO THE LIGHTTTTT
K: slr, im not dead amia
thank you for your concern but im fine, really
Yuki: K, you haven't eaten anything since yesterday.
Please come to the sekai and eat something, please.
Amia: YAYY SEKAI PICNIC ᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ
Kanade sighed. Okay, a little break from composing wouldn't hurt. Although sleeping was already a break, a distraction. An easy way out of repenting, a temporary sanctuary from the reminder of her sins-
You're not allowed a distraction.
Your father lives a husk of a life because of you.
You must stay. You must compose. You must repent.
REPENTREPENTREPENTREPENT
Yuki: Take a break, Kanade. I don't want to see you collpase again.
Mafuyu's words brought Kanade back to reality. An odd type of warmth filled Kanade at the rare show of concern from Mafuyu. Kanade swallowed her feelings down, and looked at her phone. Sekai it is.
"Yaho~ Kanade!" Mizuki yelled once they saw Kanade appear in the sekai. Kanade smiled at them.
"Hi, Mizuki. What is this?" Kanade asked, looking at the bags of treats sprawled around the floor.
"I saw a new candy store that opened, and bought each of everything! But you need to eat it quickly, or Ena will come and eat it all~" Mizuki said. Meanwhile, Ena was behind them, wildly unimpressed at the claim.
"Excuse me??? I would never steal food from Kanade!" Ena exclaimed. Mizuki squealed and looked behind them.
"But you stole my pancakes the last time we went to that cafe together! I had to steal it back by kissing you-" Mizuki complained. Ena's face heated up and she clasped a hand over Mizuki's mouth.
"Shut up- don't talk about that in front of Kanade!" Ena whispered. Kanade blinked a few times, trying to piece the clues together in her foggy mind.
"Were you guys on a date-"
"WAHH KANADE YOU SHOULD REALLY HYDRATE!" Ena yelled suddenly, shoving a bottle of water into Kanade's hand.
"Yes. Hydration is important. It is recommended that the average person drinks around 3 to 4 litres of water a day." Mafuyu said dryly, appearing behind them with a larger bottle of water.
"Oh, thank you Mafuyu." Kanade smiled as she held the bottle of water. Mafuyu felt her heart warm at the sight, and it did a weird fluttery thing.
I know what this is. Tachycardia, also known as Arrythmia or irregular heartbeat. This could be signs of a heart disease, I should visit the doctor after this. Mafuyu thought as she stared at Kanade.
"She's so down bad she doesn't even know." Mizuki whispered to Ena.
"I know, and I swear Mafuyu has had this crush on Kanade for at least six months... When will she confess?"
"Six months... Six..." Mizuki mumbled, staring directly at Ena. Ena narrowed her eyes.
"Mizuki, don't." Ena said sternly, but it was too late. You reap what you sow.
"SIX SEVEN-"
Kanade put a hard candy into her mouth as she watched Mizuki and Ena bicker, and Mafuyu slightly frowning from the brainrot Mizuki was spewing. The candy started to taste like nothing as she slowly fixed her gaze on a random spot on the floor, zoning out. Voices blur and her senses numb as the world slowly fades out of view. Kanade stares into nothing. She is definitely surrounded by people. She is definitely not alone, but at the same time, she just... is.
Her life has always felt this way. Lonely. Even surrounded by people, she can't shake away the dread she had met earlier. She had to repent. Pay for her sins alone, show her wounds to no one.
The lump of sugar passed her throat. Chew. Swallow. Compose. Repent.
"-nade? Kanade? Are you okay?"
A voice filters back into her world. Kanade blinks, taking her eyes off of the blank space on the floor she was staring at. She smiles softly and kindly, a default she has for people.
"Yes? Sorry, I was just spacing out..." Kanade said, focusing onto the sprawled pieces of candy on the floor. Mizuki is shoving them into their mouth like a little chipmunk. Ena has a gummy bear in her hand, looking at Kanade with a worried look. Mafuyu doesn't touch any of them, staring at Kanade with a slight hint of worry.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Ena asked.
"Maybe I'm just a little tired... no need to worry, Ena." Kanade said with a smile. Lies.
"Maybe some sweets will wake you up! Here Kanade, try the peach rings!" Mizuki said, giving Kanade a handful of peach ring gummies while shoving another handful in their mouth.
Kanade stares at it before putting one into her mouth. It's sweet. Sickly sweet with that artificial peach scent. Kanade is familiar with it, it's the same flavour as her energy drinks.
Energy drinks. Drink. Swallow. Compose. Compose. Compose. Compose.
COMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSECOMPOSE
IT HAS TO WORK THIS TIME. YOU HAVE TO SAVE MAFUYU. DRINK. SWALLOW. COMPOSE. WORK. WORK TO MAKE IT WORK
"Kanade."
Mafuyu's voice. Kanade snaps back into reality. They look at Kanade with worry.
"Kanade, are you okay? You spaced out again..." Mizuki asked carefully. Kanade moved to answer, but felt the peach gummy stuck in her throat. Sickly sweet. Chew. Swallow. COMPOSE.
"I'm alright, but I feel a little tired. Maybe I should rest." Kanade said.
"Yeah, sounds like a good idea. Go get some sleep." Ena said, handing Kanade her phone. Kanade nodded.
"Sorry for leaving so soon... See you at 25:00." Kanade said, then exited the sekai.
The smell of artificial peach flooded her senses as she plopped back onto her chair. Kanade swallowed, staring at the half-empty bottles of energy drinks. She took all of them in her hands and dumped them out in the sink, before throwing them all in the trash. She walked back into her room, crashing onto her bed.
"Ah, I'm here again."
This familiar ceiling. This familiar scent, this familiar feeling of loneliness... Kanade was back here. To her empty reality of repenting.
It felt empty, like a blank void that Kanade was constantly revisiting. The worst part is, it was comforting. The feeling of coming back to her little dark age. Coming back to her own little sanctuary PRISON.
"I'm back here again..."
Tears flooded her view, the loneliness sinking in. Kanade could never escape it. Did she want to escape it? Was it something that she could escape in the first place?
Darkness consumed Kanade. The familiar emptiness made Kanade feel... secure. At least she knew what this felt like.
Hours later, something broke through her little void. A single knock on her door, the creek of the door hinge. Light seeping through.
"Kanade, have some soup." Mafuyu's voice called for her, and Kanade slowly opened her eyes. Mafuyu was sitting on the edge of her bed, a tray in her hand.
This is new.
"I thought I'd bring you some since you haven't eaten anything proper in a few days. You said the last soup I made was too bland, so I used an instant soup packet today." Mafuyu said, holding the spoon out to Kanade.
Oh, this is definitely new.
"Thank you, Mafuyu." Kanade smiled softly, hesitantly reaching for the spoon, her hand trembling.
"Your hand is shaking, you're going to spill it on the bed. Just let me give it to you." Mafuyu said abruptly, moving the spoon closer. Kanade hesitated, but took a bite of the food.
Mafuyu was feeding her soup, and it somehow wasn't a bad experience. A strange warmth filled Kanade.
"Thank you, Mafuyu." Kanade smiled, a more genuine smile. The same warmth spread through Mafuyu, and Mafuyu's heart tingled.
"Have more." Mafuyu said, scooping up the soup again. The gesture repeated until the bowl was empty.
"Are you full? Do you want more?" Mafuyu asked.
"That's alright, Mafuyu. I... Thank you." Kanade whispered again, finding no better words to express her feelings.
Thank you for the food.
Thank you for not letting me be alone.
Thank you for giving me a purpose.
Thank you for keeping me alive.
Thank you for pulling me out of my void.
Thank you for loving me.
That's what this is. Love.
Kanade smiled at the thought, and looked back up. She looked at Mafuyu.
"Thank you for the food, Mafuyu. I'll do the dishes." Kanade said softly.
"I prefer to do the dishes, last time you nearly broke a plate." Mafuyu said bluntly. Kanade looked a bit guilty at that.
"Ah... maybe you can help me. The dishes always slip from my fingers..." Mafuyu's heart fluttered again at the little guilty look on Kanade's face. She was definitely going to the doctor's office later.
"Alright, let's go do them together." Mafuyu helped Kanade up and into the kitchen. Kanade looked at Mafuyu, and she didn't feel alone anymore.
"Mafuyu... Once we're done with the song, would you like to go to that cafe? The place that Mizuki and Ena went to?"
"...Alright. I heard their pancakes are great."
"Hmm... Let's see for ourselves."