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Once again this week, Mike was in El's room. They've been together all day, even though he knew he had agreed to go to the movies with The Party tonight (but without El. Hopper said she is safe as long as she doesn't go out). They spent the day reading comics he brought, listening to the cassette he gifted her and kissing whenever Hopper wasn't being nosy. Still, he felt something was missing.
His lips were –again– awkwardly touching El's. Even though they've been a couple for months, he felt every kiss was as clumsy as their first one, but he supposed it was normal in a relationship… Surely everyone took their time learning how to kiss their partner properly, just that it's embarrassing admitting it out loud.
El's lips were soft and the strawberry sweetness of her lipstick lingered on them. It feels nice and he finds it endearing how she tries to keep a rhythm in their kisses while caressing his cheek. But his body is unable to move; his arms remain stiff at his sides, almost as if he became a statue the moment he tries to focus on both enjoying and reciprocating the kiss.
Should he guide his hands through her hair? Do the same thing as her and caress her cheek? Maybe try to put his hands on her waist or caress her arm?
Everything is still confusing, especially the feeling growing in his stomach. With every kiss, those so-called ‘butterflies on your stomach’ are nothing but nausea that invades his entire being, evoking anxiety that leaves him paralyzed. It's as if he were thrown into the middle of a stage, forced to perform in a play he doesn't even know.
He doesn't quite understand it. It has nothing to do with her: El is sweet, gentle– the best girl he's ever known. Her lips are soft and she is careful with every movement. But he… with every kiss, his body seems to tense even more. He is completely disconnected from his own self, yet he manages to move his lips; his limbs, however, seem to be allergic to touching her. Why is he unable to react?
There is something wrong with him that he can't quite pinpoint. He can't even put a stop to it because his mind avoids the issue and just blames the two same things: his nerves because Hopper is there, and the fact that this is his first relationship.
A booming yet familiar scream makes them both jump and pull apart. They look at the door at the same time, but no one seems to be coming. Once again, Hopper scolded them from afar just as they were kissing… Mike was starting to suspect the man was some kind of seer because he always got the timing right.
His eyes connected with hers and both giggled. Since his failed attempt to change their activity to a karaoke one, their afternoon became quieter. He wishes that, just by looking at her eyes, he could understand what she wants to say or what she feels, but even with words he can't quite understand her.
Their tastes are still very different; he doesn't find it essential to agree on everything in a relationship, but the differences make it complicated to find something that they both truly enjoy.
Unless kissing counts... does she even enjoy it?
Slowly, his eyes start to drift apart to watch through the window, only to notice that the sun was nowhere to be seen. One thing pops into his mind: the movie. Mike quickly checks the watch on his wrist to see what time it was, getting up instantly.
“Sheesh, I'm late. Let's talk through the walkie-talkie while i'm biking, see you tomorrow El!”
“Bye, Mike!”
She gave him one of her bright smiles and he tried to return the gesture, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He can't understand what is so hard about genuinely loving her, and not just liking her; giving her the love she deserves. The concept of love and all those things that get on his mind with every kiss makes him loathe his inability of being completely normal with her. Is it because he is still attached to all that childishness that prevents him from being a proper teenager?
“Bullshit”, he thought. Mike approached her, laid a kiss on her cheek and went swiftly to the front door, shouting a “goodbye” to Hopper on his way out.
He wasted no time getting on his bike and started to pedal at full speed. Now everyone was going to scold him and the worst part was going to hear Max. He turned on his walkie-talkie to start talking with El, so no stupid thoughts would ruin his day and they'd have to wait until bedtime. Now, he was going to enjoy the night breeze and El's voice.
“Did you see his face during another one of his attempts to catch us kissing but we were too fast?” A laugh came through the radio and helped to relax him. “He is so grumpy, but I'd do anything to see him turn red like a tomato again! Even though he holds a personal hatred against me.”
“He doesn't hate you, Mike. He just wants to protect me.”
“Protect you from what? From kissing your boyfriend?”
Another one of El's sweet laughs came through the radio, and now a genuine smile got drawn on his face. A surge of joy caused by hearing her laugh and for finally being someone's boyfriend, like the other kids his age.
They talked for a while about plans for tomorrow, telling each other that they couldn't wait for the next day to come and be together again. Once he reached the mall, he said his goodbyes and turned the walkie-talkie off, quickly leaving his bicycle at the bike rack. He approached his friends, who immediately started to mock him.
“You're late, again!” Lucas was the first one he could hear properly.
“Sorry!”
“We're going to miss the opening!” Will called out.
“Yes, if you keep whining about it. Let’s go!”
Mike took the lead, the rest of the Party following him. From behind, he could hear the murmur of Lucas’ voice mockingly mimicking what he just said.
“How mature of you, Lucas!”
“Oh, let me guess what you were doing…”
Once again, testing his patience, his friend made gross kissing sounds, only to add with a squeaky voice:
“Oh, El, how I'd love making out with you for the rest of my life and never seeing our friends again!”
“Lucas, stop it.”
“Why? Will finds it funny.”
“Because it is!” the boy answered, a grin evident in his voice. Mike felt the urge to look back and ask what was so funny about it, but he managed to restrain himself.
“Yes… so funny wanting to spend some romantic time alone with my girlfriend.”
“I'm spending romantic time with my girlfriend right now.” Lucas quipped.
Obviously, because his girlfriend wasn't hiding from the government… and even if El wasn't, he didn't know how he would split his time between being with his friend and having time as a couple, like Lucas did. Maybe he was just overthinking it, a problem for his future self.
They quickened their pace, apologizing to every person they walked past to arrive quickly at ‘Scoops Ahoy!', where Steve would give them the go-ahead without hesitation to the service corridor, so they didn't have to pay for their tickets.
Once they are in front of the counter, the short-haired girl is the one who greets them. They barely say hi because Mike is focused on ringing the bell so Steve will hurry up to help them not be late. After –as always– swearing that if they get caught, he won't get involved, they get the free pass to the service corridor of Starcourt Mall.
Thank heavens, they made it to the theater just in time so no one cuts his head. They quickly separated into pairs: Lucas and Max took the front seats so they had a date, while he and Will sat behind them.
“See, Lucas? The movie hasn't even started.” Mike whispered loud enough for the other boy to hear and be aware that Mike was free from any reproach. Surprisingly, Max took his side and remarked that they had indeed made it just in time.
To his left, Will was opening his backpack to hand out the food they had sneaked into the theater. His eyes couldn't help but wander, traveling the length of Will's fingers, noticing how soft his skin looked— hypnotized by the delicacy he was using to handle the food.
Suddenly, the thought hit him that he should help hand out the food, so he reached inside his best friend's backpack. While blindly searching, he felt the cover of Will's D&D book, some pens, and then he felt something electric: their hands brushed. The contact made him swiftly pull back with nothing more than a soda to drink.
Apparently, Will hadn't noticed his abrupt action, because he kept passing the food and cans to Lucas, who was sitting near him.
Will settled into his seat, eyes staring straight ahead. But Mike's eyes seemed to work on their own. He let himself look at his friend's profile one last time before looking back at the big screen.
The movie was starting when the screen flickered and the power went off; all of a sudden, the entire room got washed by darkness. A groan escaped in unison from everyone in the room while he simply moved his arms in an attempt to express his confusion at his own bad luck.
His face, instinctively, turned to look at Will. Why did his eyes not want to look anywhere else? In the darkness, thanks to the dim light from the projector, he could clearly distinguish what he was doing; his body language expressed everything. He watched how Will's eyes wandered through the room, searching for a sign that the power was going to come back so they could see the movie, while his body swayed slightly in his seat. Mike could see that Will was nervous, or just anxious.
The silence and darkness was going to kill him, both things were giving free pass to everything his mind wanted to bring out, and to everything his eyes wanted to look at.
Why was it so easy for him to see and understand every one of Will's movements? He wishes she was here by his side, so his mind would only focus on her. But the mere thought of it makes him hate his situation even more.
His mind is a battleground, trying to dispel every involuntary wish that strains to bring El to mind in a way that isn't driven by the simple fact of loving her. He feels terribly guilty for thinking of her as a smokescreen that could help him to escape, rather than seeing her as his girlfriend and genuinely wanting to spend quality time with her in the quiet of the movie theater.
The sudden hum of the power returning and the screen brightness were enough to snap him out of his stream of thoughts, giving a relieved smile to the world. He tried to focus on the movie, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Will touching the back of his neck.
He didn't think twice before turning and getting closer to him. After last year's Halloween, watching Will do anything unusual only triggered a disturbing feeling inside of him— even though he knew they had killed the Mind Flayer.
“Hey Will, is everything okay?” His voice couldn't help but soften.
“What?”
For the first time that day, their eyes connected. Despite the worry gnawing at him, he couldn't stop himself from wishing to get lost in the green of his friend's eyes forever. The color was too beautiful not to admire.
He noticed that he had been silent for too long and lost the opportunity to give a proper answer to his friend's question. Instead, his eyes went straight to the reason of why he leaned: the hand on the back of his neck. Will seemed to catch on to what Mike was looking at, and immediately removed his hand.
“It's- It's nothing…”
“You sure?
His gaze again was moving on its own, resting on Will's lips. He didn't even have time to feel embarrassed by it; it was all he could think about. Those lips he'd been watching from afar for a lifetime, wondering at every opportunity if they would feel as soft as they looked.
For a moment, he let his mind freely ramble while the image was right there in front of him, no longer as a memory. He wondered if maybe those butterflies would wake up if he kissed Will, if his body would finally be free from the spell that turned him into stone.
His mouth parted slightly, almost unconsciously, as he lost himself daydreaming. He didn't know how to prove it, but he was certain that there was something right about kissing Will and running his hands through his hair. He needs to feel guilty to fully understand these feelings— he wants to be a sinner if liberty can be found in what's forbidden.
Slowly, his mind and eyes started to break the trance as he lifted his gaze. Will's eyes appeared again in his sight, but they were no longer looking back at him— they were fixed somewhere lower on his face and…
Oh
An impulse was heavily repressed by his body, there was no way that he would let himself be this stupid and fantasize in public. What was he doing?
The air got stuck inside his throat and panic began to expand through his entire being. He couldn't feel or think this way, these were feelings reserved only for women.
“Boys only like girls and girls only like boys.”
That thought took power over his mind, provoking a sense of revulsion at being inside his own body. He wanted to scream, to hit himself, to run away and leave everything behind. He needed air so he could think clearly again.
Surely he had started thinking about El and happened to be looking at Will by accident. That was all, right? It was impossible that he was looking at his best friend in a weird way. He is not like that— he couldn't be.
The sound of the movie playing and the people chewing popcorn became a blur around him amidst the inner collapse he was having. Suddenly, a voice pulled him out of the chaos: Will.
“Mhjm… yeah, it's nothing…”
Their eyes connected once again and Mike only nodded, now adjusting himself in the seat to force his mind into paying attention to the movie. He tried to open his soda to snap out of whatever had happened inside him a few moments ago.
He was so stupid and felt so guilty for those thoughts that he was starting to get used to having inside of him... he needs to remind himself that Will and he were just friends. They were just two guys from Hawkins and there's nothing weird happening.
That was all, maybe he's finally paying the price of not sleeping well. How could he doubt? Why did he feel so sure about something that would make everyone around him hate him?
He is scared of his own mind, he didn't want to spend more time alone with his thoughts. If he let his mind win, he would lose everything, and that can't happen.