Work Text:
Ranpo understands, more than anything else in this world, that he alone stands at the top of the world. That’s why it’s his job to shepherd the rest of the stupid sheep, to use his superior intellect for their benefit, to ensure that they can sleep peacefully at night.
It’s why the most important creed of the Armed Detective Agency, an organization created entirely for him, is:
“If I’m happy, you’re happy.”
Ranpo munches on a bag of honey butter chips, his new favorite flavor that Atsushi discovered in a shopping trip and gifted him several bags of. The man standing before his desk, Kunikida, makes a scrunched face as if holding back something.
“Yes, I understand Ranpo-san. And of course, this Agency would be nothing without your brilliance.”
Excellent. Very few things stir his soul like hearing people praise his ability.
“However, this request for the upcoming yearly budget you’ve submitted is…well…simply not doable.”
Here Ranpo frowns, because he knows that can’t be true. That being true would mean he’s made a mistake and that’s just not possible. “You’ve already acknowledged that I’m the backbone of this Agency, right?” He leads Kunikida on as if he’s a child needing to be educated. Because let’s face it, most everyone is compared to him!
“Right…”
“Which means that my income is what sustains this Agency. Unless you’re saying I’m not?”
Kunikida immediately straightens his spine and bows. “No, of course not sir!”
“Then that means whatever I want goes, since I’m the one making the money.”
Kunikida stands upright, face pale. “But Ranpo-san! A 50% increase in the snack budget is simply preposterous. We’d have little allotment left for office and medical supplies!”
Ranpo grunts, then pops open a cherry lollipop and sticks it in his mouth. Time for a change in tactics. “Kunikida, aren’t you the greatest among the Agency in terms of strict budgeting? You’ve managed our finances flawlessly for years after all.”
Kunikida remains silent but his eyes shine, hanging on to every word.
“I believe in your ability to make this work. And as such, I’m entrusting this vital task to you to ensure that our Agency continues to run without compare.” He points with the lollipop. “Can I trust you, Kunikida?”
There might as well be stars glittering around Kunikida. “Y-yes! Yes of course! I’ll get on that right now Ranpo-san. I won’t let you down!” He races to his desk and pulls out a massive folder from one of his drawers, then begins writing in a frenzy.
Everyone else stares at him, looking the picture of a madman at work. Ranpo shares a glance with Dazai, who gives him a sly grin before returning to his “nap.”
Ranpo puts his hands behind his head and leans back in his chair, grinning around his sucker. The office continues to function under its proper system of give and take.
They all give him snacks and praise, and he graciously takes them.