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Zoro pushed around the noodles on his plate and watched Nami smile up at the shitty cook. He was shaving some ugly looking black mushroom called trouble over her pasta while simultaneously kicking back Usopp's chair when he asked for some.
To his right, Zoro heard a slurping sound and some of the noodles began disappearing off his plate, but he didn't care. He wasn't hungry and it made Luffy happy to think he was being sneaky.
Zoro knew this ugly feeling in his stomach would go away, maybe not tonight or tomorrow. He was feeling kind of a mess if he was being honest. But with enough meditation and maybe a good run in with some decent fighters, and he would get himself sorted out.
Some days were just hard and there was nothing a person could do about but endure. It was one of the first lessons he had ever properly learned and still one of the most valuable.
On his plate, only a bit of the sauce was left. Zoro picked up and went over to the sink.
"I'll take all the watches tonight. Feeling restless," he called out as he left the galley. The door swung shut behind him and he couldn't even be sure that anyone heard him or really paid much attention to him leaving.
Up in the crow's nest, Zoro leaned his arms over the low wall. It was cloudy, so there weren't even the stars to keep him distracted. If he hadn't gone looking in Nami and Robin's bedroom, he wouldn't be staring out at the black water like a fool.
There was no changing the past or predicting the future. What was done was done.
All he wanted to do was find an eraser for Chopper. He knew he should've asked Nami instead of poking around her desk.
A dark idea crossed Zoro's mind. Maybe Nami kept the accounts book on her desk all this time, waiting for him to see it one day. It could've been her way of finally letting him know how she really felt all this time.
She had kept track of every single one of the loans. The interest rates with the funny little math sign was right there too. He had kind of thought she was joking, just like how he called her a witch. It was just their thing they did, but never actually meant.
They gave each other shit, the same way he and . . .
Nevermind. Zoro didn't want to think about that right now. His vow to the one before made his grief irrelevant, maybe even disrespectful. Tonight, he would look at the water for the lights of their enemies and listen for the sounds of the ones who might want to hurt them.
When the dark began to change to grey, Zoro heard the familiar step of the cook coming up the ladder. It was Usopp's turn to take over the watch, so Zoro steeled himself for whatever reason the cook had to invade his quiet.
The hatch pushed up and the favored blonde head poked through.
"I was just checking to see if you might want something warm to drink?"
Zoro shook his head. This was worse than he thought. Nami must know and she told everyone and now the cook of all people felt sorry for him.
"No."
He kept his face turned towards the water, as if there was something keeping his attention there.
"I know language isn't your strong suit. Two grunts for I'm fine, one grunt for I need Chopper to check on me."
Zoro closed his eyes and tapped his forehead against the railing of the crow's nest wall. If Nami were up here, she'd probably be howling with laughter at shit cook's joke.
"Fuck off."
He still wouldn't look over at the cook.
"Fine, I'm leaving. Just don't break anything with your face."
The hatch closed shut and Zoro could just barely catch the cook talking with Usopp below. telling him not to go up.
"Are you sure?" asked an uncertain Usopp.
"Yeah, he probably found a teeny tiny nick in one of his swords. Or Nami called him swampass. You know how pissy he gets," Sanji answered back. "There's no point in talking to him."
The cook's ten thousand beli shoes made a distinct clicking noise as he walked away. After the galley door slammed shut, Zoro could hear the hesitant climb of Usopp coming up the ladder.
Usopp didn't push open the hatch immediately. Zoro knew his nakama was debating on whether or not it was a good idea. Sighing, Zoro went over and put the guy out of his misery by pulling open the hatch.
The sniper crawled into the crow's nest and huddled up against the wall opposite to Zoro.
"Hey, Usopp. You can go back to bed, I got this."
Usopp was trying to smile, as if he hadn't been cowering on the ladder just a moment before.
"Yeah, I know. Sanji told me and thanks, pal. But, you know, that's great and all." Usopp put a hand on the back of his head and played with his bun. "Are you, is everything okay?"
Zoro could see Usopp's finger's twisting knots in his hair. He hadn't meant to make his nakama worried, especially not Usopp. Maybe Usopp didn't realize it, but Zoro heard him talking to himself all the time.
Whenever he was anxious, Usopp would mumble quietly to himself. Zoro pretended he didn't hear it because it felt like eavesdropping. He didn't know what else to do to help except stick by him. He'd pretend he was napping so Usopp wouldn't feel embarrassed, but also so he wouldn't feel alone.
Right now, Zoro didn't want to lie to Usopp and he also didn't want to make him more stressed out.
"I'll be more okay in a couple of days. Don't worry about me. I got this."
"Yeah, some days are like that, huh?" Usopp replied. He took his hand out of his hair and placed it in his lap. "Do you really want to be left alone?"
Zoro nodded. "You could do me a favor. Could you bring up my breakfast later?"
"You're taking another watch? You need to sleep," pushed back Usopp.
"I'll nap after breakfast."
"Okay," said Usopp dubiously. "If you don't, I'll sic both Luffy and Chopper on you." Usopp attempted a smile and it was the attempt that made Zoro feel even more grey than the sky outside.
"Got it, boss." Zoro tried his own smile back, but even he knew it was a grimace.
Like promised, Usopp brought up a tray. There was a note folded up next to the plate from the cook.
Because Robin & Nami are so kind, your absence from two meals would be a burden to them. So unless you're sick, I better see you at lunch!!!
Zoro took a bite of a plain pancake, but it stayed stuck in his mouth and he couldn't swallow it without drinking half a cup of his tea. He tossed his breakfast out into the ocean piece by piece, along with the note, watching it sink slowly under the water.
The cook nodded in approval when he saw the empty plate later on, but didn't say anything else. At least he didn't ask for help cleaning up the dishes.
Out on the deck, Zoro found a spot as far away from everyone else as he could and laid down, using his bandana to cover his eyes. His chest tightened when he heard Chopper's hooves walking toward him.
He didn't want to answer any questions right now about how he was feeling and he didn't want to make Chopper feel sad for him. But all Zoro felt was the warmth of the reindeer curling up next to him.
Chopper didn't say anything at all. He just stayed there, next to Zoro's side and went to sleep. After the initial surprise wore off, Zoro found himself drifting off too, letting out a sigh of relief before he fell into the dark well of slumber.
When Zoro woke up, Chopper was gone and he was in the shade. He had slept so long the sun had moved position. Sitting in front of him was his captain looking straight into his still sleepy eyes.
"Good, you're awake. I was staring and staring at you. I wanted you to sleep but I wanted to talk to you, so it was really hard to be quiet."
Zoro sat up and rubbed his face. He was really thirsty.
"Well, now's your chance. I'm awake."
Luffy smiled, showing Zoro all his teeth. He could see pieces of something dark caught in between them. The captain must have wheedled a snack out of the cook, or stolen one meant for Nami and Robin.
A hand stretched over to his shoulder and squeezed it, still sticky from whatever he had eaten.
"It was really nice of you to feed the fishes. I bet they were so surprised. How cool if food just dropped out of the sky, huh? I would be so happy! I bet it was the best day of their lives, but I still want to eat them."
"I guess so."
Zoro felt his shoulder get squeezed again before Luffy retracted his arm.
"You're a good guy. Everybody would miss you if you were gone." Luffy's smile twitched as if his cheeks were tired of holding it up.
"I'm not going anywhere, captain. I'd never betray you like that."
"I know, I know." Luffy nodded his head so vigorously, his heat flopped forward and over his face. He tilted it back up with one finger. "Sometimes you should hear it."
Luffy pushed himself to his feet.
"Get some water, captain's orders." Luffy touched his mouth. "Your lips are all cracked up."
"Aye, aye."
Zoro made himself walk over to the water barrel and lift up the lid. He used the metal ladle and drank deeply from it, feeling Luffy's eyes on his back. The water filled his empty stomach. He could hear his belly gurgling.
Hopefully, the shit cook wouldn't come near him and start bitching.
Judging by the sky, it would be lunch anytime now. He took a spot next to the mast and waited to be called in for the meal. On the other side of the deck, Robin and Nami had their heads bent close together over the tiny serving table.
Two empty glasses with pink paper umbrellas waited to be cleared away. It wasn't any wonder the accounts book looked the way it did. Every day, no several times a day, the little table would be covered with something pretty and made just for Nami and Robin.
Robin always thanked the cook, but Zoro knew how much Nami actually loved the attention. The cook made her feel like she was one of those ladies living in the largest, fanciest house on the island.
When the cook begged for her attention, Nami felt important. She could forget about all those garbage years with Arlong.
Zoro understood, he just wished that Nami knew she had already won. She was bigger than Arlong. She didn't need the shitty cook's stupid desserts or drinks to prove anything.
But Nami knew what she didn't need, or rather who she didn't need. She made that clear in her accounts book.
Zoro's stomach lurched and he swallowed down hard. He wasn't going to throw up in front of everyone. He must have drank too quickly on an empty stomach, that's all.
"Lunch is served!" the cook shouted. "Remember, beautiful ladies first! If you're not a beautiful lady and you try to come in before my lovely angels, I will boot your ass out into the sea."
"One day, I'll be a beautiful lady and get to eat first," Luffy pouted.
"Sure, maybe one day. You got friends who can help you with that, you know," Usopp advised, shaking his head. "But Sanji would expect you to take more baths."
"I'll have to think about that," Luffy mused. "That's a high price to pay. I like my freedom."
Zoro's ears filled with a ringing sound, muffling out the noise of Usopp and Chopper's laughter. His arm was being gently shaken by a metal hand.
"You're looking a little green around the gills, sword bro." Franky opened up his chest, taking out a bottle of cola. "Take a sip. It's good for nausea. I mean, it's great for everything, but I swear it's really good for when your stomach is all herky jerky."
Franky popped off the bottle cap and handed the cola to him. The cola was chilled and the cold felt good against Zoro's hand. He put the bottle up against his forehead, feeling the condensation rub off on his skin.
"Thanks, man." Zoro brought the cola down to his mouth and took a small drink. "Yeah, feeling better already."
"Magic stuff, right?" Franky looked relieved. "You good to eat, or do you want me to tell cook bro you need to sit this one out?"
"I can eat." The last thing Zoro wanted to do was eat, but he knew Luffy could help him fake his way through another meal. He absolutely did not want to deal with the cook right now, especially in front of Nami.
The two of them walked into the galley together, drawing all eyes on them as they took their seats.
The shit cook, holding a platter of roasted fish in one hand, gave Franky a short bow.
"Thank you, Franky, for making Zoro grace us with his presence."
Franky tucked his sunglasses into the v of his shirt. He spoke firmly, without his usual bantering tone. "Cut him some slack. Bro's not been feeling good."
Zoro cursed silently to himself as Franky's announcement set off a clamor of noise and questions.
"I told you specifically, specifically unless you're sick! Unless you're sick!" the shit cook shouted above everyone else. The idiot was pulling at his stupid hair, always so fucking dramatic.
"I'm fine," Zoro tried to tell everyone. "I'm . . . "
He just managed to turn to the side away from everyone before throwing up cola tinged water all over the galley floor. The cook was going to be so pissed. Chopper must have gone into heavy point because the next thing he knew, Zoro felt himself being lifted up and carried out of the galley.
He closed his eyes in shame. He was weak. He could hear Chopper's heart racing because of him. He did that to his youngest nakama. After a few moments, Zoro found he didn't even have the energy to open his eyes back up.
The last thing he remembered was the feeling of the cool bedding on the infirmary cot.
After a few moments of resting his eyes, Zoro opened them back up except it must have been much longer. He could see stars out of the window. But that was not all he could see.
Robin was reading a book next to him. She looked over at him and set her novel down.
"You're awake. Everyone will be much relieved to hear that. But first, can I get you anything? Our dear cook made a special broth for you that I am certain he would be happy to heat up. He's feeling quite contrite for some reason. I would wager there aren't even any razor blades in it."
"I'm fine," Zoro told her, as he sat himself up. He just wanted to be alone. Given some time, Luffy would do something outrageous and everyone would forget what just happened.
Or maybe, if they got lucky, some marines would attack. Then everything could just go back to normal.
"You're always fine, aren't you?" Robin looked out the window, staring at the stars. "I heard what our captain said to you earlier, how everybody would miss you if you were gone. I always like to keep an ear on things."
Zoro pulled his blanket up over his chest. He didn't like where this was going even though he was, like everyone always told him, completely lost.
"Chopper ran every test he could on you. And there was just one conclusion to reach." Robin moved from her seat to sit on the cot next to him. She raised a hand up, hesitated and then began to stroke his hair. "Something is worrying you so much it's making your body sick."
He shook his head. "I'm - "
"Fine?" finished Robin. She pressed a kiss against his forehead. "I would trust you with my life, with the life of any one of us. With absolute conviction I would do that. But there is one thing I would not do. I would not trust you with your life."
"I'm not going to hurt myself," Zoro protested. He pushed the covers off of himself. The infirmary was now too warm.
"That's not what I'm saying, please don't misunderstand. I don't think you protect yourself, that is what I meant."
"Oh."
Robin could think that all she wanted about him. It was his job to keep everyone safe and it was his vow to pursue, no matter the cost.
"Yesterday," Robin continued. "I noticed a couple of odd things. Nami's accounts book was opened up to a different page than she had been working on."
Zoro pulled the covers back.
"So? Did she leave the cabin window open? It was windy you know."
"And I noticed a certain swordsman leaving our room that day," she finished.
"Chopper needed an eraser. I figured the witch would have one. That's all," Zoro defended. "What would I care about her stupid numbers and stupid debts?"
Robin didn't say anything back. The room was too quiet and Zoro could only guess what she was thinking about him. Zoro made himself sit up straighter.
"At least I know what she really thinks about me. There's value in that. No one should live under a delusion."
"Sometimes things are not what they seem, just like you. Would our enemies ever guess the King of Hell still washes Chopper's back, hmmm?" Robin stood up. "I'm going to make sure you get some of that broth. I think you're ready for it. Would you like anyone to sit with you right now, or would you like to rest some more?"
Zoro shook his head. He didn't need a babysitter.
He almost told Robin he was fine, but stopped himself in time. "I'll just look out the window for a bit. Maybe I'll see a shooting star or something. Someone told me they were lucky once."
Robin put her fingers in his hair one more time, letting her nails gently rake against his scalp before taking her hand back. "I knew I could trust you right from the start, out of all them, you know why?"
Zoro shook his head, missing the feeling of Robin's nails or maybe just the contact of her hand.
"I can still remember you standing there by the railing all by yourself, the only one who wouldn't trust me even when the others got upset with you. And I smiled, do you remember that?"
"Yeah." Zoro thought she was laughing at him, but the way she was talking right now, maybe he had been wrong.
"I was thinking that they didn't even know how much you loved them," Robin concluded. "It is a good thing to be loved and to love. But, and I know too well from experience, it becomes a very hard thing to never speak of it."
With that, Robin picked up her book.
Zoro watched her open the infirmary door. She paused as if she wanted to say something else, but stepped out, closing the door quietly behind her. He imagined he could still feel her fingers but knew it wasn't true.
It was a ghost feeling for a memory of someone from so long ago their face was whatever he wanted it to be.
He stared out the window and it must have been just the right time of night because as he looked out, more stars filled the square of violet black. Zoro became lost in thought waiting for new lights to appear when the door creaked open.
It wasn't Robin with the bowl of broth.
It was Nami.
Her cheeks were puffy and her eyes were red. Her upper lip was covered by her lower lip. She came in and set the bowl on the table next to him.
"You should eat. Please. Sanji asked me to tell you he would be happy to make you anything you wanted, anything at all, if this stays down. Just no alcohol right now. It wouldn't be healthy for you."
Nami took the chair Robin had been sitting in. She fussed with her hands in her lap before clearing her throat to speak. "I wanted you to know I cut out those pages, the ones with debts. They're gone. You don't have to worry about them anymore. I'm sorry . . . "
She brought her hands up to her face, covering her eyes. Nami made quiet sounds through her nose and Zoro saw tears run under her palms and down into her lap.
"Why? Why me?" Zoro asked as turned away to look back out the window. It was now full of stars as if to make up for last night's cloudy watch.
"What?" Nami uncovered her eyes and sniffled loudly. She wiped her nose with the back of her forearm.
Sanji would have a handkerchief to give her, but right now Zoro didn't even have his bandana.
"Why do you always get mad at me? How come everything I want or need goes into your book? Everything, I seen it. It's not, it's not the same, not for everybody. I owe you so much money for everything and," Zoro knew he was raising his voice but he couldn't stop himself. "You don't do that for other people. I saw it. It just goes down under expenses, not debts."
He faced the worst of the worst enemies. He went into situations where he knew the odds were against him coming out alive and he had never found himself shaking like he was now.
"Sixty thousand beli for suits, ten thousand beli for tailoring, three thousand for fucking shampoo and shit? Those are expenses? But choji oil is a debt. All of me is a debt to you."
Nami was staring at him with her mouth open. Her hands were gripping the flesh of her thighs.
"I thought were, fuck, never mind. I'll eat the soup, just, I'd rather be alone right now."
"No." Nami got up from the chair and sat on the edge of the cot. "Scoot over. I need to explain." She pushed her butt against him, trying to force him over.
"There's nothing to explain." Nami said more than once that numbers can't lie, but people could.
"Move," she said more forcefully. "Or I'll just lie down on top of you. How do you think Sanji's going to feel if you've had two beautiful women be your blanket?"
Zoro didn't say anything, he turned over to his side, but gave his back to Nami. Now he had to face the wall and not his window of stars.
He could feel Nami lying down and then, unexpectedly, her arm wrap around his waist and her face bury itself in his back. Zoro tensed up. He felt trapped.
"Robin and I had a talk about trust, about you actually. I didn't know why she was talking about it at first, not until, until she told me about the book. She asked me when I knew I could trust you, like trust you trust you."
Nami's breath was warm on his back.
"I told her it happened in two parts. First, it was meeting Johnny and Yosaku. You were friends with two guys who could only cause headaches for you. I mean, how much trouble did you have to bail them out of? Being with Luffy, you owed him and he could help you. But those guys, they couldn't do anything for you."
She paused and rubbed her head back and forth against his back, like she was trying to shake loose more memories.
"The second part was when you got angry with me. Isn't that weird? You thought I killed Usopp and you were so upset."
Zoro remembered. The cook got in his way, believing in Nami's innocence even though he had barely met her.
"Is that when you started liking him better, because he knew you didn't do it? Trust is one thing, liking is another," he asked.
Zoro felt his waist being squeezed.
"No, you idiot. Don't make me cry again. My plan was really smart. You were supposed to be mad at me. I wanted you to be angry. And I don't, I don't,"
Nami began shaking against him. She was crying, hard enough that Zoro could feel his shirt starting to get wet.
Awkwardly he rolled over to switch to his other side. He pulled up the bottom half of his shirt and put it to her nose. "Blow."
"Gross," she weakly protested.
"You call me gross all the time."
Sighing, she took his shirt and blew her nose. "But it was a problem, you know. You're too stubborn. If I had hurt Usopp, Luffy and Sanji would've gone easy on me. but not you. I knew, I fucking knew there was going to be conflict and there was. I was right."
Hearing Nami call him stubborn made his chest ache and remember the soft grasses of Shimotsuki.
"I'm not explaining all of this very well. I don't like Sanji better, okay? Just get that through your thick skull. You, me and Luffy, we were the first. No one else has what we have. Do you remember the dog, the one guarding the store? We're the only ones who have that memory. We're the only ones who sailed together without the Merry or the Sunny."
Zoro wished he could remember the name of the dog. He did right by his master.
Nami continued, not waiting for Zoro to answer. "I know all the stuff Sanji does for me, he'll do for any pretty woman on this ship. But it's fun. I like it, I mean, I like it a lot. But it doesn't make me like him more. And it wasn't why I, why I . . . ' She began sniffling again.
Zoro had been keeping his arms to himself, one tucked under his side and the other laying along the length of his body. He put an arm over Nami.
"I don't have to worry about Sanji leaving. I know what you're going to say, but he didn't want to go. It wasn't his choice."
Zoro stopped a noise in his throat, now was not the time.
"If you leave, you won't ever come back. And maybe," Nami's voice grew softer. "Maybe because honor's so important to you, you won't leave . . . "
He heard Nami take a large swallow. He squeezed his arm around her tighter. He felt a hand as large as his face stroking his cheek fading away and felt the sting of a shinai being smacked out of his hands slowly disappear.
"If you owe me a large enough debt," she finished in a whisper. "Maybe I can make you stay."
The only sound in the room was their breathing, the stuffed up nasally sounds coming from Nami's nose and the quiet, slow in and out breaths from him.
Zoro didn't know what to say.
All those zeros were like links in a chain, one Nami needed to keep him tied to her, to the Sunny, to the crew. And still, she cut them all. She took out the pages, scaring herself, as soon as she understood it was hurting him.
"I'm sorry I didn't understand."
"Why are you always so dumb?" Nami raised her head and kissed his cheek. "You're not supposed to apologize to me." She sat up in the bed and leaned over to pick up the bowl of broth. "Eat this. Please."
Zoro sat up too and took the bowl from her. Nami's face was splotchy and she needed a real tissue. She smiled at him, making her eyes crinkle.
"I'll never have another friend like you. If I tried to put a number on you, how valuable you are to me, it'd fill up my whole book and it still wouldn't be enough."
He slurped the lukewarm broth from the soup spoon. It was salty and good and he knew it was going to make him feel better. Zoro imagined Nami's accounts book filled with big round zeros.
But instead of links in a chain, he saw the perfect circle of one her satsumas cut in half, Luffy's straw hat on its side, a dinner plate filled with onigiri, a flawlessly removed cola bottle cap, the round end of Chopper's pencil with little nibble marks underneath, and a pepper ball ready to be shot.
Zoro smiled at her and it was the most like himself he had felt in a long, long time. "Well, just don't try to sell me, witch."
Nami made a face at him and raised a fist in mock anger.
"Because I would miss you too much," he finished.