Chapter Text
The 24th survivor announcement was something of totally unexpected to Yunseo.
"Hey, Jaehyun" said Yunseo the night before the quarter finals; he luckly happened to catch Jaehyun in the corridors, since he'd barely meet up with him during the day. the situation btween them, to Yunseo, was really tense, since they barely spoke to each other in the last weeks. and Jaehyun really looked like a boy who needed someone to talk to. that's right, Yunseo tried to hide the fact that he noticed how lonely Jaehyun was.
Jaehyun turned around, reveiling a toothbrush in his mouth full of toothpaste. He mumbled something like "hi" while Yunseo started laughing. "What the hell?! why aere you washing your teeth in the corridor???" giggled Yunseo as Jaehyun took the toothbrush out of his mouth. "Donggyu-hyung is taking a shower...and he's singing" said Jaehyun curving a smirk. "even harry hyung thought about moving his mattress outside" continued Jaehyun as his smile got wider and Yunseo's laughter got louder.
Jaehyun kept on washing his teeth, breaking the eye contact between him and Yunseo: he looked like he was looking for somewhere to sit down.
Yunseo was staring at him, telling himself that he had to say something to his best friend. but he really didn't know how to start talking about the serious stuff. he didn't want to make Jaehyun uncomfortable by talking about something that might've made him anxious or nervous, but he really wanted to know how Jaehyun felt. only if Jaehyun was okay, mayne Yunseo would've been too. Yunseo always knew that the worst part about survival shows is how unexpected those can be, and this fear just didn't let him sleep at night. he knew that obstacles were always just around the corner; the so called crisis could've come any time soon, and he couldn't trust any ranking, any judge's word, because everything was unstable. but one thing he was sure of, was about Jaehyun surviving tomorrow.
They walked down the corridor and sat at the top of the stairs, still silent, still no words from either the two of them. Yunseo was reluctant in talking, but he soon did, maybe to break the awkward silence, maybe to actually start talking about everything.
"are you ready for tomorrow?" asked Yunseo leaning in, putting his hand on the stairs while sitting down.
"yes, but..." murmoured Jaehyun as he crawled down: he sounded uncertain, almost scared. Yunseo quickly turned his head as soon as he noticed the wrong note in the boy's voice. "is everything okay?" asked him a bit concerned. Silence grew, like plants do in the coldest weather; silence to Yunseo and Jaehyun really felt like a plant struggling to grow in one of the coldest weathers: and maybe Jaehyun should've let the plant grow further and bigger, because what he said next sent a shiver all over Yunseo's back.
"You know, i already started packing my bags" answered Jaehyun quiet, lowering his head avoiding Yunseo's gaze.
his words came out shaking, hopeless. and what made Yunseo sadder is the distance and the resigned tone Jaehyun talked with. as if there was nothing that made him stay, but everything that made him leave. while Yunseo wished he could be the reason for him to stay until the end.
"what the hell are you saying?" yunseo decided to answer like that; in a moment of cluelessness his brain just decided to exclame and leave the word to his friend.
"well... I think tomorrow i'm gonna be eliminated" repeated Jaehyun, with no metaphors, no reluctance, just sincerely. he met Yunseo's startled eyes and tried to read something into them; while Yunseo was trying to find a way to make himself readable.
Seconds passed by as Yunseo was trying to think of something to say; but each time he tried to make a sentence, his mind dove inside the emptiest of the thoughts a 15 years old could ever have. What he said was so unexpected that now Yunseo, whom had never been anxious for tomorrow until that moment, started to tremble too.
was there really a possibility for Jaehyun to get eliminated? no, right? he did well, didn't he? he even got the killing part, his rank raised. then why was Jaehyun...
"Jaehyun why are you saying this?" replied Yunseo with a trembling smile as he lightly hit Jaehyun's shoulder. he knew that saying those poor sentences was the same as saying nothing; probably his brain still hadn't found something to say because the idea of Jaehyun leaving really never hit Yunseo's mind cause it was just so impossible.
Jaehyun didn't respond to that useless sentence Yunseo said. if none other, he remained completely still, like a statue. the air tensed again, and Yunseo thought he'd found something to break his' and Jaehyun's vase.
"Jaehyun, you want to leave?" asked Yunseo, as the smile faded away from his face and his eyebrows arched upwards.
"Jaehyun there is no reason for you to leave" continued Yunseo, finding the meaning inside Jaehyun's silence.
"but there is no reason for me to stay" replied quickly Jaehyun, lifting his head and meeting Yunseo's eyes again. his iris' were colorless, emptied by the immense indecision of what to believe. Yunseo had to be honest, he wanted to hear all of the struggle coming from Jaehyun's words; as much as his face showed how much Jaehyun was going through, a a part of Yunseo was red.
"that's not true" Yunseo tried to stay calm. Jaehyun paused again, and so did Yunseo. the boy noticed blurry drops of water coloring those ocean eyes.
"that's not true and stop saying there is no hope!" insisted Yunseo, raising his voice a little upset. he started to stutter.
"you've got tons of people all around the world supporting you. you are not weak, Jaehyun. you-you got the killing part in- Famous, didn't you? you have people who support you here"
Jaehyun stopped him there.
"Yunseo, I'm not ready to debut"
"and why would that be? what makes you think that?" said him altered, he was really expecting a valid reason now. his vision started to get blurry, his hands were starting to tremble and his tongue was fumbling.
he didn't expect that from Jaehyun.
"because Taejo should've got the killing part-" it felt like he was confessing a crime, like he had done something of irreparable, when it absolutely wasn't like that.
"how can you even say that?!"
"because I had to be tutored by him all along, and I couldn't even rap a whole part alone. but I see how my egocentrism decided to take over just as soon as the killing part had to be taken. I decided to hit a sore spot, and pushed for the killing part even when I didn't feel like deserving it at all. maybe..."
What? "He couldn't even rap"?
Was it really Jaehyun speaking? Because the Jaehyun Yunseo knew was a shy but confident person, who rapped like words slided beneath him like they were water he swam into.
Where was that coming from?
"maybe what?" scoffed Yunseo, and Jaehyun kept on talking with a thread of voice.
"maybe if Taejo had taken the killing part he would've ranked higher, and if tomorrow HE gets eliminated and I don't... I will feel too guilty"
Jaehyun was cradling his head in his hands, sobbing, as silence hugged him even tighter.
Yunseo had a hundred thousand speeches he almost said to Jaehyun: he wanted to tell him that it was all okay, that Taejo probably didn't mind that much after all if he let the killing part to Jaehyun; and that wanting the killing part so bad didn't mean being egocentric. and he would've loved to tell him that he wasn't a bad person just for wanting to try his best.
The anger he felt before turned into something of more delicate and fragile; even if he was still mad at him, because he broke the confidence rule that always united them.
"Jaehyun" said Yunseo. it was short, quick, direct, meant to reclaim his attention.
"what?" Jaehyun lifted his head and turned to Yunseo's side, revealing a narrow river going from his eyes to his cheecks. Jaehyun had cried less than Yunseo thought hopefully.
"Don't cry" started Yunseo with a blue smile, resting his hand on Jaehyun's shoulder. "whether you deserved the part or not doesn't matter. you proved that you are capable of everything and anything" he lightly smiled at him, but Jaehyun took away his eyes from Yunseo's face and lowered it to the ground out of shyness. Yunseo didn't know where those words came from, after his throat had been completely plugged by surprise and pain because of everything Jaehyun said.
A part of this whole story made Yunseo feel guilty too...He did notice that ever since they were pulled apart, Jaehyun got more quiet, and Yunseo really had never really gone up to him once in a while and have a chalk; not even an unserious one. there was simply not enough time, but everytime he could, Yunseo would always tense his eyes on Jaehyun, trying to read with his eyes everything the boy wasn't able to tell him.
Just thinking about how lonely Jaehyun must've been, made Yunseo grip on his shoulder; he was sorry he hadn't been able to talk to him, and maybe a part of him didn't want to as well. Maybe a part of him just decided to ignore it, with no actual reason: those were tough times, where everyone had an important weight on their own back; Yunseo doesn't want to use it as an excuse, but it's for the better.
The silence broke again.
"you are not a bad person just because you thought about yourself for once, Jaehyun" said Yunseo reposing his head on his shoulder.
"am I?" asked lifting his head up with a pair of big eyes.
"are not" Yunseo replied with a squirrel smile on his face, trying to make Jaehyun smile.
"and do you remember when we were practising for Boy in Luv? we did everything all by ourselves, then" said Yunseo becoming serious all of a sudden.
"Jaehyun, you must stop thinking that just because you're helped that means you are useless alone to yourself"
And what could Yunseo do to make his friend understand that?
"but when it'll be just me and the practise room mirror, what will I do if I'll get stuck" came back Jaehyun a bit irritated.
"I'm tired of always having someone to adjust me, I can't stand that I can't do that by myself" continued him nervously as he brushed his hands on his own knees.
Jaehyun, you have me, words that didn't manage to come out of Yunseo's mouth.
Silence came up again, a raw proof to Yunseo that everything he said didn't change Jaehyun's mind.
He noticed how nervous his friend was, but Yunseo honestly didn't know what to say anymore. It had been a long day, his mind wasn't really working right, but one thing was sure that Jaehyun was wrong into thinking he'd get the elimination. Totally wrong, he would've given him a thousand slaps on the cheek until he would've been convinced that he was enough. That selfrespect existed, that trying and failing was okay too, even if Jaehyun didn't even ruin one thing in the whole Famous performance. Why was he like that?
Yunseo still couldn't believe it. Jaehyun didn't deserve to be let down so low. That evening he saw for the first time a hopeless gaze and a desperate voice from Jaehyun, his bestfriend he had promised to debut with.
Before coming to Boys 2 Planet, they made a pact: it was either each other or nothing; meaning that they would've debuted together, but at the same time, they would've been eliminated together as well. and they were just so confident, so happy about it because it felt like their whole bond depended on it.
And this is why it's rage coming to Yunseo's ears when Jaehyun said that he wanted to leave without Yunseo. and the thought that Jaehyun wasn't really going to try until the end of the tunnel made Yunseo feel betrayed.
That evening the conversation broke when the staff came looking for Jaehyun to film something, and Yunseo was left on the highest block of stairs, still facing the wall as if his friend was still there. They didn't argue, but it didn't end well. it ended awkwardly with none of the two of them knowing exactly what to say.
Yunseo carried the disappointment throughout the whole corridor, to inside his all-star room.
He turned off the light, layed on the bed and thought, the sentence " I already started packing my bags" printed to the core, in his mind, on the darkness he sees when he closes his eyes. everywhere.
Jaehyun wanted to leave. Jaehyun wanted to leave without Yunseo because he felt guilty of something he totally had the faculty to do.
If Jaehyun really wanted to leave, Yunseo could've never made him stay.
Yunseo kept reminiscing everything he should've said in his mind because it's not like he was able to sleep.
Maybe Jaehyun didn't get him when they made the pact; maybe Jaehyun is living his worst days of his life and he simply wants to go home; maybe Yunseo should've said something to Jaehyun. maybe, maybe, maybe.
one thing he was sure of is that some minutes later he heard loud laughters coming from the two star rooms, and Yunseo fell asleep wishing that one of those was Jaehyun's, because he really needed a good laughter in that moment more than anyone else.
He would've gone there just to tell Harry June and Donggyu to make him smile, but knowing them, probably, they were already.
Making other people laugh to forget that the next day only one between Harry and Donggyu would've kept staying with them. How could someone be that nice?