Chapter Text
The holiday season was quickly approaching, something Emma hadn’t considered in years. She didn’t have anyone to celebrate with for so long, then, in the last few years in Storybrooke, the holidays were overshadowed by chaos. That first year, Henry and Emma were focused on the curse. Every time she thought back, Emma couldn’t help but cringe at the way she allowed Henry to treat his mother. The second year, they were busy traipsing around Neverland trying to save Henry. The third year was New York. Emma never talked about that holiday with Regina because she just looked so damn sad. So here they were. The Charming/Zelena dual curse was broken, and Storybrooke was recovering, as they always did.
Evidence of the season was popping up around town. Mary Margaret had organized a committee of townsfolk to decorate Main Street so Storybrooke looked like every small town from every Hallmark Christmas movie. Emma had to begrudgingly admit it was nice. The garland wrapping around the lamp posts and the stars hanging from the power lines were a nice distraction from the inevitable disgusting piles of dirty snow that just got taller throughout the winter. That was one thing she missed about Tallahassee. Even in the winter, it didn’t get that cold, so no nasty brown piles of half-melted snow that gathered along the sides of the streets, slowly growing and just waiting for spring.
Things had been tense between Emma and Mary Margaret since returning to Storybrooke. They never talked about Mary Margaret’s confession in Neverland of wanting another baby, then Pan’s curse hit and the next time they saw each other, Mary Margaret was ready to give birth any moment and Emma was expected to move back in with them like nothing had changed.
Emma found comfort in Regina. Regina let her rant about her parents and never made her feel guilty over her resentment toward the baby, especially once he was born and they had the audacity to name him Neal. Emma spent most of her evenings at the mansion with Regina and Henry; and even though she technically still lived at the loft, you wouldn’t know it.
One such night, they were swapping stories from their lost year.
“You know, I never stopped thinking about you,” Emma confessed.
“What?” Regina was taken aback. Not only did she assume Emma would be glad for her to be out of the way, but it should not have been possible for Emma to remember her.
“Well, I didn’t know it was you at the time, but…I knew there was someone missing. So did Henry. We didn’t talk about it because both of us knew there was pain attached to whatever was missing, but we knew. There was a hole in our lives. Now, being back, I know it was you.”
“I– but Walsh–”
“He had asked me out a few times. Henry encouraged me to go out with him. He wanted me to be happy, he’s such a good kid. It was always empty, though. I kept going out with him since it felt like I was supposed to, but it always felt wrong. Like he was invading a space that belonged to someone else.” Emma shook her head. Dating Walsh had been a mistake. It always felt wrong, and he turned out to be a flying monkey of Regina’s crazy half sister, who was the Wicked Witch from Oz. Sometimes Emma couldn’t really believe this was her life.
“You know I never stopped thinking about you, either,” Regina whispered, not making eye contact.
“Yeah. Mom told me you almost put yourself under a sleeping curse because of how much you missed Henry.” Emma still couldn’t believe it. If Regina had gone through with it, none of them would be here. Regina wouldn’t be here.
Emma understood the pain. She understood what it felt like to be in that place, with no hope that things would ever get better, that she would ever have someone to love her again. They couldn’t have gotten back to Storybrooke without Regina, though. Even if the Charmings managed to cast the curse without Regina, which they wouldn’t have, Emma would have lost David. As mad as she was at her parents at the moment, the thought of losing either one of them permanently was still sickening. More than anything, Regina wouldn’t be here. If she had put herself under the curse and they didn’t come back to Storybrooke, Emma would have continued to live with that hole in her life, the ache in her chest, the sense that someone should have been there. Selfishly, Emma was so grateful that particular plan was stopped.
“No. I mean, yes, I did. But not just because of Henry. I missed you, too. All I could think about was how much I wish I had kissed you at the town line before you left.” Emma stopped breathing at the confession. Regina wanted to kiss her at the town line before she left?
“I wanted to kiss you too, but I didn’t think it was fair to you, since we were about to be separated.” Emma couldn’t stop the tumble of words that followed Regina’s confession. She had thought about kissing Regina so often, but always held back for Regina’s sake. Emma knew at the town line that she wouldn’t remember, but Regina would. No matter Regina’s reaction, Emma couldn’t stomach Regina having to live with it, and Emma not even remembering.
“Well, we are both here now. I’m not planning to go anywhere.” Regina tried to project an air of casualness into her nervous almost-request.
“Are you saying you would allow me to kiss you, your majesty?” Emma wanted to be crystal clear with what Regina was suggesting. It was like a fog, a dream. Emma had waited for this moment for years. Since that day at the mines, when she really thought Regina was going to kiss her.
“I would be amenable.”
So Emma kissed Regina sweetly and slowly, then asked Regina out on a proper date, which led them to now. They had been dating quietly for the last three months, and the only person they told was Henry.
Now, Emma was walking home with Henry. Technically, Emma didn’t live at the mansion. Technically, she lived at the loft. Who cares about technically?
Henry opened the door and stopped. Emma immediately appreciated why. Despite the very cold December chill, Regina had all the windows open and was furiously cleaning the floors like she was trying to erase evidence of a crime.
“Uh…Regina? What are you doing?”
Before she could answer, Henry groaned and buried his head in his hands.
“What’s today’s date?” He asked, almost pleading.
“December first?”
Henry huffed. “Get ready.” And he tried to take off up the stairs.
“Woah— hey, what does that mean?”
“December is when Mom becomes an absolute cleaning freak and tries to give away all my stuff! I have to go defend my fortress!” Henry expertly dodged both his moms and scampered up the stairs.
“Regina?” Emma question. Regina paused her frenzied scrubbing for the moment and leaned back on her heels before taking a breath and answering Emma.
“Our son is…more or less correct. I’m sorry, I had hoped to be finished in here before you got home.”
“Not gonna lie, I’m still pretty confused.”
“It’s—“ Regina huffed, seeking the right words to explain. “It’s preparation. Obviously, in the enchanted forest, we didn’t celebrate Christmas the way people do here, but we did have winter holidays. Daddy and I celebrated the Winter Solstice. It was sacred in our kingdom.”
“Okay. That doesn’t really explain the cleaning spree or the windows— speaking of, can we shut them? It’s literally freezing.”
Regina blushed and hurried to close the windows with Emma’s assistance. “I opened them to air out the house. I didn’t want it smelling like chemicals when you got home.”
“Fair enough. Why the cleaning?”
“It’s a preparation ritual. Ahead of the solstice, beginning the first of December, we cleanse and reflect in preparation.”
“Okay. I get that. Your house is already always so clean, though.”
“I used to do the reflections with Henry when he was little to try to share a piece of my culture with him. The cleaning I’ve always done on my own. I know it probably looks clean to others. It’s important to me that things stay tidy. But this is different; the deep, cleansing, clean. It’s necessary. I have to do it.”
“What do you mean you have to do it?”
“If I don’t, the following year feels haunted.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“The following year is haunted by all of the things from the previous year that weren’t cleansed away.”
“And this is something you’ve always done?”
“Not when I was with Leopold. Well, I did in my room, but couldn’t with the whole castle. Then as the evil queen, I didn’t want to cleanse my previous year because it would have meant giving up my quest for vengeance. The renewal of the solstice doesn’t allow space for grudges. I began again with Henry. He didn’t do the cleaning, though. That’s always been my own compulsion.”
“Oh…I had no idea.”
“You weren’t meant to.”
“So you deep clean until the solstice?”
“Essentially. It’s meditative, not just about the physical act of cleaning, though that does help.” Regina tried to explain.
“You spend 21 days cleaning?” Emma questioned in disbelief. She couldn’t imagine spending a whole weekend cleaning, much less most of a month.
“Is that so hard to believe?” Regina raised her signature eyebrow and Emma had to stop.
“Yes. Well, no. Not for you. Sounds impossible for me.” Emma shrugged. When she thought about it, obsessive cleaning was on brand for Regina and her prefectionism.
“Yes well, I’m not asking you to clean. This is a personal ritual that I must partake in. I do not require you nor our son to join me.” Regina didn’t mean it to sound so defensive, but she wasn’t used to sharing this part of her holiday rituals. She hadn’t shared this piece since before meeting Snow and marrying Leopold.
“Henry and I will both be doing reflections this year, if you want to join us. Those will begin in the 12 days before the solstice.” Regina tried to soften the unintended aggression with an invitation.
“I know you’re not asking me to but you’re my partner and I want to support you. So how can I help?” Emma could see how important this was to Regina, even if she didn’t understand it.
“You can’t. Well, not with the deep cleaning. It…has to be me. I can’t explain it. Just try to keep your things organized and put away and don’t track mud and dirt through the house.”
“So…normal rules?”
“I suppose. It just…matters more during this season, though.”
“Okay. I’ll do my best. I’m serious, I want to support you and participate in your winter traditions.
“I want to support you in yours too. Your holiday traditions matter, too.”
“I don’t really have any,” Emma shrugged.
“That can’t be true. Even if it’s not something you’ve done a lot or just something you do on your own, not from when you were a child. What sort of things do you do in the winter that make you happy?”
“I really don’t have anything. Usually, I ignore the season. I’ve pretty much always been alone,” Emma shrugged, “it was always weird in the foster homes because a lot of times they had their own kids and it was like being an outsider watching another family’s Christmas. With Neal, we were living in the Bug, so it wasn’t much of a traditional affair. We were mostly trying not to freeze to death. In prison, the holidays are hardly any different than all the other days. Once I was on my own, I didn’t have any holiday rituals to fall back on, so I just worked. Got paid well since everybody else wanted off and it made no difference to me.” It was more than Emma ever really shared and far more than she liked to explain about her childhood but with Regina she was trying to be more open.
“You’ll just have to make new traditions with us, then. Don’t worry, Henry is a very enthusiastic teacher.” Regina smiled, trying to lighten the heaviness that she could tell was making Emma fidget.
“Is that your way of saying his heart is in the right place but he’s doing it all wrong?” Emma laughed.
Regina smirked but didn’t reply. They were in for a very special holiday season.