Archive of Our Own

Jin Ling stumbled out of the temple, his neck still bleeding. His legs felt wobbly, he could barely stand. An arm looped around his waist, steadying him before he collapsed. Jin Ling flinched, looking up with wide eyes at Jiang Cheng.

'Jiujiu,' he tried to say, but no noise came out, he was too shaken up to speak.

"I've got you A-Ling," Jiang Cheng said gently.

There was a bark behind them, and Jin Ling turned, looking at Fairy. He went to smile in relief, but his brain froze.

"A-Ling, look, I got you a puppy!" Jin Guangyao said. "What do you want to name her?"

"Fairy!" Jin Ling shouted excitedly, reaching up for the puppy with small hands.

Jin Guangyao laughed, a giant smile on his face, as he set Fairy down, and she nearly knocked Jin Ling over.

He squealed. "Thank you! I'm gonna love her forever and ever! You're the best uncle!"

Jin Guangyao crouched down, ruffling Jin Ling's hair. "I'd do anything for you, A-Ling."

Jin Ling gasped, suddenly unable to breathe, tears streaming down his face, and his knees buckled. Jiang Cheng stopped him from hitting the ground, scooping him up. "Fairy, come on!"

Jin Ling went rigid at her name, staring at the spiritual dog with wide eyes. He still couldn't breathe.

He wasn't sure when they made it to the inn, all he knew was that Fairy was still there and he needed her gone.

"A-Ling, sleep well okay?" Jiang Cheng murmured gently, setting Jin Ling in bed. Jin Ling didn't acknowledge him, staring at Fairy, red filling his vision. Once he'd caught his breath and Jiang Cheng had left, Jin Ling stumbled out of bed, grabbing Suihua, and raising the blade above Fairy, prepared to strike.

Fairy whined, tilting her head, and Jin Ling blinked, vision clearing. He choked out a sob, backing away, dropping Suihua. He released his hair, and lifted Suihua again, under his hair, gripped in his other hand. Fairy barked once, and Jin Ling sliced through the strands, letting them fall around him, before turning the blade on himself, resting it at an angle against his neck.

He hesitated.

Fairy started barking, and Jin Ling heard footsteps running towards his room, arguing voices outside it. Jin Ling gripped Suihua tighter, and tilted the sword, setting it against the wound Jin Guangyao had left, beginning to dig the blade into his skin, even with the already existing wound. Fairy barked louder, and the door flew open.

Jin Ling stared up at Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng through teary eyes. He didn't stop pressing the blade further into his skin. Lan Wangji scooped up Fairy, and Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng were at Jin Ling's side in an instant, wrestling Suihua away from him. Jin Ling kept his eyes on Fairy.

He tried to kill her, he'd wanted to kill her- how could he?

"A-Ling- why?" Jiang Cheng choked out.

"I tried to kill her," Jin Ling said faintly, before beginning to giggle. Before he knew it, he was full on laughing, and he threw his head back, still laughing like a madman. "I tried to kill her!"

He screamed it this time, and let out a choked sob, lowering his head again and hunching into himself as he sobbed, shaking.

Arms wrapped around him, and he realized dazedly that Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were hugging him. He cried harder, until he fell asleep.

Some time later...

Jin Ling absentmindedly ran his thumb along the scar he usually kept hidden under high collars. His entire wardrobe consisted of only clothes with high collars now. But at the moment he sat in his sleeping robes, preparing to go to bed.

He hated this scar. A reminder of the constant betrayal he had to face, of how he tried to kill himself after trying to kill Fairy.

He hated Jin Guangyao, but fuck, he missed him.

He missed Fairy too, living in Lanling. Jin Ling refused to step foot there, refused to wear his yellow robes, covered up the vermillion mark on his forehead with makeup.

He hated this so much...

His hair had grown back to shoulder length. He didn't bother putting it up, letting it show.

Let him live with dishonor. He deserved it. Jin Ling stood, sliding a small pair of shears, trimming his hair again. Everyone thought that for some reason Jin Ling's hair refused to grow. In reality, he trimmed it once a week, the difference in length so subtle nobody had noticed. He kept it at shoulder length because it was easier to manage.

Jin Ling cleaned up the hair, put the shears away, and went to bed.

He was tired, and sometimes he wanted to die, to kill himself. But he wouldn't do it.

Couldn't do it.

Fairy whined, pawing at Jin Ling's door. He hadn't spoken to her for ages.

"He's not there Fairy," a girl said.

Fairy whined again. She didn't understand. What did she do wrong? Why wouldn't Jin Ling see her?

A slow, keening whine escaped her, and she lay down in front of Jin Ling's door, crossing her paws and resting her head on them.

Hoping, that one day, Jin Ling would finally open the door to her again.