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Jake grips the sheets tightly, breathing deeply as the room around him takes shape. He’s awake now; it was just a bad dream. He’s safe and warm here in Bradley’s bed. These are all things he reminds himself of so he doesn’t wake his boyfriend up for the third night in a row. He knows that Bradley doesn’t mind, just as he doesn’t mind comforting Bradley after a nightmare. Still, he wants him to get some sleep.
Speaking of which, it sounds like this must have been a quieter nightmare for Jake, because that chainsaw that he lovingly refers to as his boyfriend is working overtime. As loud as the snoring is, Jake has to admit he finds it a little endearing, and he’s glad to see Bradley is getting some good rest.
He quietly slips out of bed, pausing to brush Bradley’s unruly curls off of his forehead and plant a light kiss there. He gets an adorable, unintelligible mumble in response, and the snores quiet down. Jake’s heart flutters with affection as he silently makes his way out of the room.
In the kitchen, he retrieves his pack of cigarettes and lighter from the counter. He sighs as he picks them up, feeling like a slave. Smoking is never something he wanted to get caught up in, but it’s a vice that’s gripped him off and on for years.
A loud snore from Bradley momentarily distracts him. He laughs softly to himself at the volume, being able to clearly hear him from the kitchen even with the door closed. God, that man snores loudly. Seriously, he swears the tornado sirens back home were quieter.
He grabs his pack of smokes and sneaks out to the back porch, plopping down on the patio couch. Jake slides a cigarette out of the pack and holds it between his lips. He cups his hand around the lighter as it sparks to life and catches on the end of the cigarette. He inhales the first puff deeply, sighing in relief as the familiar little buzz ignites within him. The smoke fills his lungs and blows out of his nostrils, the stress from the nightmare melting away.
Jake takes another drag, the smoke blowing into the chilly night air. He looks down at the cigarette in between his fingers and lets out another sigh. This isn’t something he ever wanted to get caught up in, but the relief he feels when he smokes…it’s enough to make all of the risks feel worth it.
The most disheartening thing is that it all began with innocent curiosity.
Years ago, after the mission that scored him his first kill and saved his wingman’s life, his entire squad was celebrating. They all knew going in that the mission would be risky, and the relief of Jake saving his wingman and getting everyone home safe called for a celebration. He still remembers how he was brooding in the corner, nursing a beer, pretending his heart was in it. He’d been far more concerned about the actions he had taken to get them all home safely.
There was never a situation where he could imagine not pulling the trigger, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t worry about the consequences. Jake vividly remembered seeing the enemy pilot eject, but that didn’t guarantee survival. Ejecting alone carries severe risks, especially in a jet as old as the one he shot down.
It didn’t take long for his squadmates to notice him moping, and it took even less time for them to drag him right back into the celebration. Not wanting to seem too depressed and risk getting temporarily grounded for mental health reasons, he decided he’d better start faking it. Naval aviation wasn’t just his livelihood; it was his passion. His true calling in life. Being suspended, even if it was for personal wellness reasons, wasn’t something he wanted to consider. Not being able to do what he loved would probably make his mental health worse anyway.
So, when his squadmates swept him out to the back porch of the bar where some of them were smoking cigars and cigarettes, he figured he’d better get with the program. Jake took the cigarette that one of them had offered him, though he had no intention of smoking the whole thing. He was just going to hold it between his fingers and maybe have a puff or two. Besides, he’d never smoked before, and he didn’t want to make a fool of himself by coughing and sputtering all over the place.
Well, he had coughed and sputtered at first, the unfamiliar sensation of smoke in his lungs burning like fire. Jake’s squad had teased him good-naturedly while simultaneously hyping him up. He smoked the whole cigarette and didn’t refuse when offered another. More accustomed to the sensations this time, Jake handled it much better, feeling that little buzz as the nicotine was ingested into his system. This is what people were talking about. All of his stress had started to fade into the background, and a sense of calm washed over him.
This was his routine for the next several weeks. He’d gone out and bought his first-ever pack of cigarettes the night after the celebration, and smoked all of them in just a couple of days. Then he’d gone back for more.
Truthfully, Jake had always had a bit of an addictive personality. His desire to chase after those adrenaline highs is half the reason he’d made it through flight school to be a fighter pilot. It shouldn’t have come as any surprise that he got hooked on smoking.
But it also didn’t take long for his superiors to notice, and for his dependency to grow stronger. He’d been distracted in the middle of a prolonged training exercise, his craving for a cigarette the only thing he could focus on while in the air. He’d royally screwed up the exercise, snapped at Coyote when they landed, and faced disciplinary action for his carelessness.
That’s when his commander came to him directly, and he knew he had to let the cigarettes go, not only for his own sake, but for the sake of his squad, too. They deserved better, and he knew that it would be for the best. He’d convinced himself he was willing to live with and accept the risks, but that wake-up call made him realize how quickly he could screw up his life and career. Fighter pilots need good lung strength and breath control for those intense maneuvers, and smoking was only going to compromise his ability to fly as skillfully as possible.
For the next year or so, he lived on nicotine gum, patches, and flavored toothpicks until his cravings eventually faded away.
Jake was good for seven years, his temptations to smoke only ever being mild at worst, and nothing he couldn’t resist. Even when directly offered or in the presence of cigarettes, he was able to turn them down, reminding himself that the risks aren’t worth it and how difficult it was to quit. He didn’t go through all of that hell for nothing.
But then the mission happened. The stress from training alone was almost too much to handle. Nobody ever completed the low-level aspect in training; they almost always missed when practicing the pop-up strike and assault on the target, and Coyote nearly burned in. Throw in the events from the actual mission and his second kill, and he couldn't resist the relief the cigarettes offered him.
Jake wouldn’t change a damn one of his actions during the mission. It’s the only reason he was able to save Bradley and have this second chance that he still doesn’t think he deserves. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some new things to live with. He’s got blood on his hands. Jake is certain the pilot he shot down died. There was no ejection. The pilot didn’t seem as if he knew he was being locked. He must have been so focused on that F-14 that it was all he could think about or see. It was his end goal. And it cost him his life.
Jake wouldn’t change it, but he still has to live with it.
Another long drag of the cigarette brings him back to reality, the smoke billowing out into the night. That buzz intensifies, and again he feels his body relaxing. It’s so easy to let his worries fade away when he smokes. They drift away and dissipate like the smoke in the air.
This dependency on cigarettes isn’t something he enjoys. He hates that the mission made his resolve so weak and that he fell back into smoking, but he also can’t stop now. Quitting was so hard the first time, and he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to go through all of that again. It took such a toll on him that it seems easier to keep smoking.
He really does want to quit, though. If not for his own sake, then for Bradley’s. He feels awful because he knows Bradley hates it. Can’t stand watching him fall into this vice and watch him put himself at unnecessary risk. Can’t stand the smell of the cigarettes and point-blank refuses to kiss Jake’s lips if he hasn’t brushed his teeth or freshened up in one way or another after he’s had a smoke. He doesn’t take it personally. He knows the smell can be unpleasant and that Bradley is also saying those things to motivate him to quit.
Bradley has been such a saint about it despite how much he openly despises cigarettes. He’s supported Jake and come up with solutions to help him quit. Told him he’d be by Jake’s side every step of the way and that he wouldn’t have to go through it alone. That means more to Jake than he can express, but the thought of having to give it up and learn to cope without smoking again is daunting, even if he’ll have help.
Jake sighs in frustration as he finishes off the cigarette, putting the last burning parts of the butt into the little ashtray on the porch table. He’s stressed himself out by overthinking to the point that he’s already considering another one. Another one that will ultimately make him feel worse. But it’ll take the edge off for now.
He sighs again, getting angry at himself and the cigarettes. Damn these things. He flings the pack across the porch, watching as it collides with the screen and several little white cylinders roll out onto the concrete.
As he buries his face in his hands, hopelessness floods his veins. He doesn’t get much time to wallow, though, as the back door opens just a moment later. Looking up, he sees the silhouette of his boyfriend, carrying a hoodie in his arms and wearing one of Jake’s.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Bradley greets, walking over and placing the hoodie in Jake’s lap.
“Hey, darlin’,” he huffs, still a little angry with himself. Jake apologizes instantly. “Sorry, not mad at you, just frustrated. I didn’t wake you, did I?”
Bradley shakes his head as he sits next to Jake. He reaches out for Jake’s hand and intertwines their fingers. “No, I woke up just a couple of minutes ago and noticed you weren’t in bed. I figured I’d find you out here.”
Jake loosens his grip on Bradley’s hand just long enough to slip into the hoodie, then brings the back of Bradley’s hand up to his lips.
“I figured you wouldn’t stop to think about grabbing a hoodie either,” Bradley teases.
Jake chuckles. “You know me so well.” He lays his head against Bradley’s shoulder and lets out a sigh of contentment. In Bradley’s arms, he feels himself relax. The nightmare is powerless when he’s got the man who feels like home so close to him. Even the thought of quitting smoking becomes somewhat bearable.
There’s a comfortable silence for a few minutes until Bradley speaks up. “Did you have another nightmare?” His voice is hesitant, trying to tread lightly.
“I did,” Jake confirms his suspicions, but doesn’t offer up any details.
Bradley’s thumb rubs soft circles on the back of his hand as they sit together. “Is it something you want to talk about?” He presses, but he doesn’t pry, another thing Jake appreciates so much about him. He’s learned his boundaries.
Jake shrugs. “The usual. I was too late.”
He knows he doesn’t have to elaborate any further—it’s the most recurring one he’s had for the last few months since the mission. Waking up next to Bradley always helps him feel better, but nothing relieves the stress like a cigarette. Bradley has learned this about him as well, which is why he knew exactly where he’d find him.
“I’m sorry, honey,” Bradley murmurs sincerely, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on Jake's temple. One that elicits a smile out of him every single time. “There are those sweet little dimples.”
“Hush up,” Jake protests weakly, blushing and wanting nothing more than for Bradley to continue talking sweetly to him.
“I don’t think you really want me to,” Bradley teases and calls his bluff, leaning back in to pepper his face with kisses, placing them on his cheeks, temples, forehead, nose, chin—everywhere except his lips until he and Jake are a mess of giggles out on the porch.
As their laughter fades, Bradley looks longingly into Jake’s eyes. There’s so much affection in those honey-brown eyes that Jake’s heart can’t help but flutter, warmth blooming in his chest as his hands come up and gently tangle into the hair on the back of Bradley’s head. Playing with those soft curls is one of his new favorite pastimes.
The longing look doesn’t completely fade from his eyes, but Jake can see his demeanor shifting into something a little more serious. He can tell something is bothering him, and he’s almost certain Bradley is going to plead with him again to quit smoking.
Not wanting to put words in his mouth, Jake asks, “What is it?”
Bradley's face softens further; those big, pleading puppy eyes are all Jake can focus on. “Jake…I know it’s not the first time I’ve asked you to quit, sweetheart. Please consider it. Or at the very least, try to wean yourself off of the cigarettes.”
Ah, there it is, no surprise. Jake sighs, both a little annoyed they’re having this conversation, but also kind of relieved, because he knows he needs to make a change. It’s just so hard to imagine letting the cigarettes go, even if half the time he hates them, himself. It feels like he’s being pulled in two different directions without any say in the matter. Why did he have to do this to himself again?
Jake averts his gaze, those big eyes so sincere he almost can’t look directly at them. “Roo…I don’t…I—I’m not strong enough to quit again.”
Bradley’s hands gently cup Jake’s face, giving him no choice but to look at his boyfriend. “Baby, I know it’s going to be hard on you, but I swear I’m going to be right here by your side every step of the way. Through the mood swings and lows, you’re not gonna shake me. We can do this together.”
Those are some of the sweetest and most supportive words Jake has ever heard. And damn it, he really does want to quit, and he knows he’ll have Bradley, but he’s addicted. And it was so hard to quit the first time. Even knowing he’ll have the support of his boyfriend doesn’t make the thought any less daunting.
“But it was so hard before,” Jake pouts, burying his face in Bradley’s chest, feeling hopeless. “I don’t know if I can do it again.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Bradley gives him a loving squeeze and plants a kiss on top of Jake’s head. “I know you can do it. You’ll have me right here every step of the way.”
Bradley shifts on the couch, adjusting their position and gently taking Jake’s face in his hands, encouraging him to look into his eyes. Those eyes looking at him so intently take Jake’s breath away.
“Jakey, you mean the world to me, and that’s why—” he takes a deep breath, his voice a little shaky. “Can I tell you something personal?”
Jake can see there’s a pained expression on Bradley’s face. Like he’s reliving something traumatic from his past. He turns his head and places a loving kiss on Bradley’s palm. “Honey, you can tell me anything.”
Bradley gives him a sad smile, his big puppy eyes looking a little watery. “It’s about my mom. She…she died of lung cancer. Never smoked a day in her life, and it still got her.”
Jake’s heart breaks in his chest as he sees Bradley so vividly reliving the painful memories of losing his mother. He can’t imagine what that must be like, especially when Bradley was so young. Orphaned before age seventeen. Jake would be distraught if anything happened to either one of his parents, and here Bradley is, having been without both for nearly two decades.
“And then with what happened to Ice and throat cancer,” a tear slides down his cheek. “I can’t watch someone I love put themselves at risk like this. I just can’t.”
Jake pauses for a moment, processing the words Bradley has said. They’ve only been together for three months, and they haven’t explicitly stated that this is love, but Jake knows what he’s been feeling. The last few months have shown him that nobody could love him better than Bradley Bradshaw. There’s nobody he’d rather give his love to in return.
The look on Bradley’s face says he didn’t mean to let that slip, but he doesn’t try to take it back. He said it, and he meant it.
“You love me?” Jake asks softly, his hand coming up to Bradley’s cheek, wiping the single tear with his thumb.
Bradley lets out a wet chuckle, nodding his head. “I do, Jakey. I don’t wanna put any pressure on you, but I really do love you.”
Jake smiles widely, hugging Bradley as close to his body as he can. “I love you too, baby. So much. So, so much.”
He feels Bradley’s strong arms holding him tightly, and as he sits here in his embrace, Jake understands why this must be so hard for him. Bradley has struggled to open up and be vulnerable with Jake, and it’s not something he faults him for. But if he’s willing to share those details about his mom with him, then Jake knows this is serious. It really must be tearing Bradley up to see him willingly put himself at risk.
A kiss is pressed against his temple by Bradley, whose hold on him hasn’t let up in the slightest. “I love you so much, too,” Bradley says tearfully, “it’s why it’s so hard for me to watch you do this to yourself. I know it’s going to be hard to quit, but please, sweetheart, please try.”
Damn. With Bradley willingly peeling back some of his own layers and pouring his heart out to him, he doesn’t know that he has much choice. Jake loves Bradley with all of his heart, and he’s never felt so loved by anyone else in his life. Bradley means so much to him—means even more to him than the buzz of a cigarette. He can’t live like this knowing it’s hurting the man he loves. Especially not when continuing down this path could potentially cost him years of loving and being loved by Bradley.
He has to quit. Even if it’s going to be one of the most difficult things in his life, it’s worth it.
He takes Bradley’s sweet, loving, handsome face in his hands and gently wipes a tear as it falls. “Darlin’, you’re my whole world. I can’t promise I’m not gonna drive you up a wall in the process, but I can promise that I’m going to do everything I can to quit.”
“Do you mean it?” Bradley asks hopefully, a hint of a smile on his face as he sniffles.
Jake grins and kisses his cheek, respecting Bradley’s distaste for kisses after he’s had a cigarette. “I swear,” Jake says, knowing it’s not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but his love for Bradley is more important to him than anything in the world. “It might even be easier this time since I’ll have you by my side.”
Bradley hugs him close, eliciting a small oof of surprise out of him with how fast and tight the embrace is. “For every step of the way,” he assures Jake.
“I love you, darlin’,” Jake says as he rests his forehead against Bradley’s.
“I love you, too,” Bradley presses a kiss to his lips and grimaces, obviously tasting the cigarette on Jake. They both chuckle.
Jake raises a teasing eyebrow at him. “Got a little carried away there, didn’t ya?”
Bradley swats his chest with a laugh. “Go clean up so I can kiss you properly.”
Jake giggles and stands up, grabbing his empty pack and spilled cigarettes off the ground, and carries them inside. With Bradley behind him, he turns and opens the trash can, throwing them in and listening to them clatter against the bottom. “If I wasn’t worried it would mess up your sink, I’d put them down the garbage disposal.”
“It’s the thought that counts,” Bradley says as he walks closer to Jake. He rests his hands on his hips. “Now, go brush your teeth, I wanna kiss you.”
Jake chuckles at Bradley's obvious eagerness, then laughs as Bradley gives his butt a flirty pinch as he walks past. “Horndog!”
“Takes one to know one!”
Jake shakes his head fondly as he heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He swishes some mouthwash around afterward as well to make sure any trace of the cigarette is out of his mouth and off his breath.
When he returns to the bedroom, Bradley is standing next to the bed, a plastic grocery store bag in his hand.
“What’s that?”
Bradley gives him a sheepish smile and averts his gaze for a moment. “I uh…might have been saving some things for you in case you decided to quit again.”
“Can I see?” Jake steps closer as Bradley opens the bag. Inside are packs of nicotine gum, patches, flavored and regular toothpicks, mints, and even candy cigarettes. All of the things he told Bradley he’d used to quit the last time and more.
There’s a lump in his throat as he glances back up at those big honey-brown eyes. “Oh, darlin’,” he throws his arms around Bradley’s neck, pulling him in close as he buries his face against his shoulder. “You’re the biggest sweetheart I’ve ever known.”
Bradley runs his hand up and down his back as he hugs him. “I wanted to show you I’d be there for you, not just tell you.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Jake says, a watery chuckle following his words as he fights back tears.
“I ask myself the same thing about you.”
“Sap,” Jake giggles.
“And damn proud of it,” Bradley says, kissing the top of Jake’s head.
They stay like that for a few minutes, just happily holding each other, feeling the warmth of their bodies pressed together. Jake plays with Bradley’s hair, while Bradley runs his hand up and down Jake’s back.
Jake slowly lifts his head, looking at the face of his boyfriend. “I love you so much. I don’t think I’m ever gonna wear those words out.”
“I love you, too. So much,” Bradley leans in, and Jake doesn’t hesitate to meet him in the middle.
It elicits a sigh of love and contentment from both men as their warm, soft lips meet. Bradley’s mustache pleasantly tickles Jake’s upper lip.
“Mmm, there’s that kiss I was longing for,” Bradley murmurs against his lips.
Jake snickers and plants another big one on his lips. “Thank you for doing this for me,” he takes the bag of quitting supplies and sets them on the nightstand. “I promise that cigarette on the porch was my last one.”
Bradley walks over and hugs him from behind, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “That’s a good goal, sweetheart, but give yourself some grace. If you have a few slip-ups, I won’t love you any less. I’m here for you through the good and bad.”
Jake grins and turns in Bradley’s arms to give him another kiss. “Thank you, Roo.”
“You’re welcome, Jakey,” Bradley hugs him close once more, then takes his hand and tugs him toward the bed. “Now come on, I need my fix of Jakey snuggles.”
Jake lets himself be pulled back into bed, both men shedding their hoodies and burrowing back down under the covers in each other's arms. “You’re a dork,” Jake says affectionately.
“And you love it,” Bradley says without missing a beat.
“Yes, I do,” Jake chuckles.
He nestles into Bradley’s arms, laying his head against his chest and listening to the reassuring rhythm of his heartbeat. Bradley plants another kiss on top of his head. “Good night, honey. I love you.”
Jake grins to himself, warmth blooming in his chest. “I love you too, darlin’. Good night.”
He runs his hand gently over Bradley’s chest, feeling the rise and fall with every breath Bradley takes. In only a couple of minutes, Bradley’s snores start back up again, eliciting a laugh from Jake.
The path ahead of quitting again isn’t going to be easy, he knows that. But if he could do it once, he can do it again. Especially with Bradley by his side to help him along the way. He doesn’t want to hope for too much, but maybe having Bradley will make it easier this time. Or at least more bearable.
A comically loud snore from Bradley interrupts his train of thought. Jake lets out another fond laugh and lifts his head to plant a soft kiss on Bradley’s cheek. Some sleepy mumbles follow, and it looks like Bradley might be trying to open his eyes, but sleep wins out.
“Thank you for everything, Roo.” Jake’s voice is barely audible. “I love you.”
With that, he lays his head back down on his boyfriend's chest. The sound of Bradley’s steady, solid heartbeat lulls Jake into a calm and restful sleep, where there are no worries, just him and the man he loves.
And his cravings for cigarettes? Well, with help and patience from Bradley and a good bit of time, they fade away like the smoke in the air.