Chapter Text
I sat in my easy chair, idly flipping a coin in the air and betting with myself. “Heads I win...” The damn coin came down tails every time. What are the odds? Lady luck sure wasn’t smilin’ my way lately. Fact was, the damned broad had packed her saddlebags and hightailed it outta my life months back, on a collision course to the sunset and damn me if she hadn’t taken the last of my dough with her. I'd even had to hock my chakram, and what’s a girl without her favourite sidearm, I ask ya?
Gods blasted hero business was giving me an ulcer. There were just too many of us to go around. Everywhere you looked, there was some bronzed, muscled guy with curly blonde hair and impressive parentage crawling outta the woodwork. “Hey girls, lookit me - I’m a gods-sired hero! I killed the Hydra/Medusa yadda yadda.” As if life wasn’t tough enough, too many heroic guys had scared all the warlords away and my business was just drying up. The rent was due and the bailiffs’d come knocking yesterday. At least they wouldn’t be back in a hurry, if ya catch my drift.
Should’ve never left the Big Guy. Steady job, reliable income even if the work had been a little samey. Working for the Hercules Investigation Agency had been kinda fun but after a while there just wasn’t the challenge. But the Big Guy’s got connections, if ya know what I mean. He ain’t never gonna go hungry. Unlike yours truly, who ain’t had no square in three days. Only so long a body can exist in tip-top condition on three day old nutbread and one rotten apple.
'Plan. Gotta get me a plan. Maybe I could advertise - maybe push little pieces of parchment through a few doors. Nah, that’d never work.' I was flipping and thinking when a tentative knock on my door broke through my musing. “Yeah, come on in...” I yelled, not even looking up. It sure as Hades wouldn’t be a client or at least, not one who could pay. If I never see a scruffy village peasant again, I’d die and gladly go to Tartarus.
The door opened and I felt a presence in the room. I caught the coin as it came down again, and damn me if it wasn’t heads! My gaze was fixed beyond the coin, fastened onto a pair of high, reddish-brown boots which were wrapped around the firmest legs I’d ever seen. My eyes travelled slowly upwards and mentally, I let out a long whistle.
Sheesh! This baby was hot! A swell lookin’ tomato with a nice set of gams. Short, compact and lithe, with the blondest hair and greenest eyes I’d ever seen, and the sweetest smile that could steal your heart right out of your chest before you even knew it’d gone. A real class act. Impressed, I acted cool.
“Yeah. What can I do for you?”
“Are you Xena, the Warrior Investigator?” the vision asked, her voice sounding like harp music played by the Muses themselves. My ears tingled just from being on the receiving end. Nonchalantly, I stuck my feet up onto the desk, crossed my ankles and chewed on my cigar. I pushed my battered fedora out of my eyes, then realised with a start - these boots don’t work with this hat! I swept my favourite hat off my head and surreptitiously threw it onto the floor.
“Yeah, sweetheart. Who wants ta know?”
“I’m Gabrielle. I need your help.”
“Say, Gabrielle. Is that a stick in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?” I waggled my eyebrows suggestively, impressing her with my charm and wit.
“Actually, it’s a staff -”
Ooh, this baby was gonna be a hard sell! Time to flog the wares. I narrowed my eyes dangerously. “So you say!” My voice fairly dripping with menace and my whole body bristling with fearsome power, I gave her one of my best (patented) intimidating looks.
She looked startled. “Are you alright?”
“The question is - are you?” I shot back, a coiled snake just waiting for the strike.
“Well, yes, I’m fine, but you seem a little... is there something wrong with your eyes?”
Uh-oh! This was one smart cookie! She’d sure figured out my number already and I wasn’t the easiest person to read. I had deep, dark depths that were still to be plumbed, but this blonde slip of a thing had stripped me bare with her blazing green eyes. Whoa! Weird feeling! I choked on my cigar and sat up straight. Impressing this girl with my sheer strength and overwhelming physical presence wasn’t going to cut it. I decided to get down to business.
“Okay Gabrielle. Talk. I’m listening.” I motioned her towards the chair facing me, which she accepted with a grateful smile.
“I need you to help me find someone. I hear you’re good at this sort of thing.”
“The best. I have many skills.” My eyebrow rose, as if to prove it. She looked impressed.
“Okay. Uh, I don’t... erm... I don’t have very much money I’m afraid.” She faltered, eyes dropping to her hands which were fiddling anxiously with the staff she had placed over her knees. “How much do you usually charge for an assignment like this?”
I steepled my fingers and looked thoughtfully at her. Sure, she was a classy babe but it didn’t look like dough grew on trees for her. Her brown skirt was faded and a little ragged around the edges and as for that top - well, curse me for a fool in Tartarus if that hadn’t seen better days! By the Gods, I wouldn’t even use it to wipe the sweat of my horse. But damn me if I didn’t find her fascinating. Oh yeah, she was a looker who’s shape set my loins tingling. Why, you could grate cheese on those stomach muscles and wouldn’t I want to eat that cheese right up! But there was something about those wide, hopeful eyes, cute button nose and soft, full lips that just made me wanna take this baby on. “We can come to some arrangement, I’m sure,” I heard myself saying. “How about expenses up front, and we’ll negotiate a fee to be paid when I find your person?” Airily, I waved my hand as if to dismiss the distasteful subject of filthy dinars. She looked unsure, but nodded eventually. “Okay, sweetheart. Tell me more.” I pulled over a sheet of parchment and began to take notes.
The quill fair shot two hands’ lengths in the air when she said, “I want you to find my husband.”
“Your husband?” I squawked, the erotic vision I was momentarily enjoying exploding behind my eyes, shattering my fantasy into a million tiny pieces of horrendous reality. “Aw! So you’re married?” I added, somewhat lamely, disappointment fair oozing from every pore.
She looked startled and backed the chair away slightly. “Uh, yes. His name’s Perdicus.” Her luminescent green eyes shimmered as tears began to pool, then large lustrous drops slowly coursed their way down round, soft cheeks and dripped off the end of her chin. Gathering up all my legendary self control, I fought the urge to catch them and lick them off my fingers. “We were only married two days ago. We’d been childhood sweethearts but had lost touch when he’d moved out of our village, and we bumped into each other again not so long ago. It was my parents’ dying wish that we marry, and we didn’t want to let them down, so we did.”
“How nice for you,” I ground out, my vivid imagination playing thousands of possible scenarios regarding the disposal of troublesome hubby - grieving widow turns to best friend for sincere comfort and - ta da! Case closed!
“Yes, it was. Thank you.” She smiled sweetly whilst wiping the tears from her face and I felt suddenly unaccountably awful. I gave her an encouraging smile together with my handkerchief, with which she promptly scrubbed her face and balled into her tiny fist. “Well, it would’ve been anyway. After the ceremony, Perdicus took me to the inn where he’d booked us a room. We were going to spend the night there, you know, and then travel to our home village the next day. I was... Well, I was a little nervous -” My eyes watered as I watched her torture my handkerchief; I retrieved it and tucked it into my ample cleavage. “Oh, sorry - I guess I’m still a little upset. So Perdicus said he’d go wait in the bar while I got ready. I waited for him, but he never came back. I don’t know what happened to him! I’m so worried, I don’t know what else to do,” she blurted, dissolving into floods of tears again.
Feeling like a useless, worthless piece of centaur’s dung for the thoughts I’d been having, I awkwardly patted her hand and muttered encouraging noises as her wailing turned into hiccoughing sobs, then soft snuffles. “There, there,” I crooned as I smiled soothingly at her, hoping the unusual (for me anyway) gesture came off alright. I don’t think it did, because her eyes grew slightly alarmed and she tugged her hand away quickly. Damn! This was one time I wished for one of them caring, sympathetic faces or at least one that, well, that you could do things with! Apart from inspiring terror, hate and loathing - all essential tricks of the trade of course, but completely useless when dealing with a cute, sniffling woman. Damn me for a doe-eyed harpy!
“Gabrielle, sweetheart. I’ll take the case. Don’t worry, we’ll get your husband back. You’ve hired the best.”
“Oh, thank you! You don’t know what this means to me! Oh, there’s just one thing. Stop calling me sweetheart, okay?”
Wow! This baby had teeth! This was one fine, feisty broad; I think I’m gonna enjoy our - uhh - business association. “Deal.” I grinned, spat onto my palm and held out my outstretched hand. She stared dumbly at me for several moments, lips moving soundlessly, then gulped and screwed her eyes shut as she grasped my hand in hers.
Moments later, she was gone, leaving the swinging door and echo of her perfume as the vague reminders that for several candlemarks, an angel had sat in my chair and hired me. Damn, but things were looking up already!