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A boy as despicable, vengeful, and perverted as Earnest Jones never seemed like a good match for anyone, at least not for any girl
But he could spend hours looking at him, imagining scenarios about him, perhaps because of the lack of affection he had.
He loved him, it could be a crush, something that would disappear as quickly as Jones did another "bad" thing. That's what he thought, but he could never let it go.
Maybe everyone hated him, some secretly, some not so secretly, it was incredible how many times Bucky heard people whispering about someone wanting to beat up his leader. Even so, Pasteur would never, ever hate him, and never threaten him like that, nuh huh.
You could say he was a loyal boy, always willing to help the clique with his ingenious and useful weapons, being friendly and maintaining a lot of respect for Earnest. He wanted to please him, in any way he could, no matter how small the favor, he would do it anyway.
Even if there was no reward, not even measly gratitude.
"Was that what had his friends so ungrateful?" Bucky often thought
Thad always seemed so grumpy whenever he spoke to Earnest, same with Donald, only he feigned kindness.
Oh but he wasn't that bad, he couldn't be.
A boy so bad could never be the owner of the nerd's heart, no.
Well, he might seem like it, but Bucky isn't stupid. He usually distances himself from people and things in general he finds unpleasant and sticks with those he likes, but then why does he stay with Earnest? Does he like when he's mean?
When Earnest gives him little hits on the head every time he says something that bothers him, when he pushes Bucky out of the room every time he can't stand him anymore.
It doesn't bother him, because anyway, isn't physical contact and scoldings (or conversations, as Bucky calls them) just another form of closeness?
He likes to hear his voice; when he starts rambling between speeches he sounds cute. When Earnest's angry and scolding everyone because his plans didn't go as he expected, Bucky can't help but listen to every change in his tone of voice.
The geeky nerd would be lying if he said he never caught Earnest fantasizing about girls in magazines. He gets as close as he can without being caught and listens as the boy he admires so much lets his mouth utter all those fantasies. Stuff he would never admit out loud if he had someone in front of him.
His pants feel tight when Earnest speaks softly, sounds so loving, so different from how he speaks to Bucky. He closes his eyes and relaxes, imagining that those things are being said to him, and not to them, those attractive girls who make him so envious.
It breaks his heart to think that he'll never grow up to be a beautiful, curvy girl like Jones likes, yeah, he'll always be a skinny, ugly boy with acne and greasy brown hair, not a silky-haired blonde, or a nice woman with big breasts.
He's thought about changing, redoing his routine, doing his best to be a handsome boy, maybe girl-like, as if that would please Earnest.
But he stops daydreaming as soon as he remembers all the times he's heard Earnest say all those horrible things about boys like him, boys who love other boys.
His hopes are little, Bucky thinks, so as not to have to admit they are nonexistent.
It's not that he wants to become a girl, not at all! .... But he can't help looking at girls like... Mandy or... Pinky and think he'd be so happy to have been born in their place.
Sometimes, just sometimes, he wish Earnest Jones was a faggot.
But if he isn't, that's okay, right? Things aren't supposed to work that way, boys are supposed to be dating girls. That's what Bucky has been hearing all his life, he's slowly starting to believe it.
It shouldn't be that way, so maybe it's a good thing Earnest will... never love him.
One day he was going to get over it, one day he was going to fall in love with a cute girl.
But until then, Bucky Pasteur was going to whisper "love you" every time Earnest left the room, just every time he was alone, because he didn't need to know.
He didn't had to know.