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“What are you doing here?” His voice asked from behind her.
Y/n’s breath caught in her lungs as she turned around and looked at the man. Thomas Shelby stood behind her with a confused, and slightly angry look on his face. His date held onto his arm, looking between the two of them in confusion.
“I…”
“Mr. Shelby” The man whose arm she held exclaimed, now noticing him after she pulled her arm away. “Delighted to see you here!”
Here was at the charity ball. Those of good standing or of higher status and wealth attended. It was out of character that Y/n, the caretaker of Thomas Shelby him self’s children, would be here.
Y/n, originally from America, had taken up a job at the Shelby’s pub before properly meeting Mr. Shelby. The owner over time became intrigued by the young woman, eventually seeing her interact with his children made him offer her a job as their nanny, which she accepted. Over time she grew to love them as her own. She became like a surrogate mother to them, and decent friends with their father. or so she thought.
“Delighted to see you too Mr. Johnson” Thomas’s date said once she noticed Thomas not responding.
Y/n could feel his eyes on her, making her heartbeat faster. As the two companions continued their greeting, Y/N raised her eyes slowly. Meeting his gaze, she felt as if she would melt in her spot. His eyes seemed to burn into her.
“Aren’t you dear?” Johnson asked, causing her to tear her eyes away and look up at him.
“Sorry?” She apologized for her distracted nature, rejoining the conversation.
“That you work for Mr. Shelby” He repeated what he said with a smile.
“Oh. Yes” She confirmed smiling at the two, ignoring the way Thomas scoffed behind his glass of whiskey” They are amazing children!”
“Have you met them?” Thomas asked in a deceptively light tone.
Y/n felt her heart skip, knowing what he was truly asking. If she’s ever had this man in his home, and around his children.
“I ran into them once while on business in town. but other than the one time, I have not had the pleasure” Johnson informed Thomas honestly, a slightly understanding, yet challenging glint in his eye “It took a few weeks of knowing Y/n before she told me she worked for you. But I’m glad to have her.”
Johnson looked at Y/n with a grin, not paying any mind to the man opposite him glaring daggers in him as he kissed her temple.
“Well, it was a pleasure to see you here.” Thomas said with a sharp tongue before turning and walking off, leaving his date to scurry behind him.
He continued to watch her from across the room. Stealing glances while talking to other people. Her long emerald dress gleaming in the low light of the edges of the room. He felt an anger stirring in his chest at the knowledge of her being with this other man.
He couldn’t describe it. Didn’t want to describe it. His attention on the woman he brought with him basically disappeared the second his eyes landed on Y/n. The woman he brought was Dahlia, a woman he would visit for a few hours from time to time. More of a plaything than she deserved. Any woman who caught the attention of Thomas Shelby had instantly fancied him. One would say that is exactly what drew him to Y/n.
Thomas watched as Johnson greeted by a man, before being led to another part of the room in conversation. Taking the opportunity, he quickly left Dalia with his brother Arthur and walked over to Y/n. She stood by a small balcony window, frozen in her spot as she watched Thomas approach her. But once he reached her, he didn’t stop. Instead, taking her by the arm and pulling her with him out on the balcony. She waited till he let go of her to speak.
“Tommy…”
“Don’t” He cut her off quickly, walking over to the railing to take a deep breath before turning back to her “How long?”
Her eyes felt slightly wetter, but she forced herself to blink it away.
“Two months…”
A scoff left him at her answer, but he remained visually calmer than she would have expected. She felt small under his gaze, her voice small as she spoke.
“I see you brought Dahlia…”
“Don’t try changing the subject.” He snapped slightly, letting his emotions get the best of him.
“She’s beautiful…” Y/n sighed, looking through the ballroom window to look at the woman stuck in conversation with the oldest Shelby brother “…You being here with her is your answer then…”
Confusion spread over his face, along with frustration, as she turned back to him.
“What are you on about?” He asked with more evident frustration.
She paused, a look of realization crossed her face, but a sad understanding replaced it.
“You didn’t read my letters?” She stated more than asking, but she already knew his answer.
A little under three months ago, Y/N met Johnson. He showered her with affection and requested to court her. She kept kindly refusing him at first, having given her heart to Tommy. Feeling it break every time he came home, smelling of perfume and alcohol. knowing he was with Dahlia, or some other girl to relieve stress. What hurt even more was the very children she had come to love had began regarding her as their mother. It destroyed her to correct them. Knowing they would never be hers. So, when Johnson approached her, showering her in affection and attention, she began thinking of her life and future.
“What letters?”
“The ones I put on your desk… two months ago…with your important papers.” She scoffed a little, a sadness in her eyes as she spoke.
A realization suddenly crossed his face. He had seen the letters, sat atop his papers. The two off-white envelopes with ‘Tommy’ in her handwriting. He remembers picking the first one up, already opening it when he received a call. Placing it in his drawer before leaving and forgetting about it by the time he got back home. He completely forgot about the second. Having been placed neatly on his desk a few days ago, only to be put aside to lay out the paperwork he had to work on.
“You always were busy…” Y/n let out a light laugh, though amusement barely reached her smile “I suggest you read them… To know the question you answered tonight…”
She gave him a sad smile, her eyes finally welling up as she hurried from the balcony. Thomas watched her go before leaving the balcony himself. But instead of returning to his brother and date, the two watched him storm out of the ball. He felt conflicted as he drove. Mad at her for blindsiding him like this, and so publicly too. Even though she wasn’t his, he still felt like… she was. or had been.
He pulled his car into the drive and hurriedly rushed to the door. But he stopped and forced himself to slow down, as to not wake the kids. Closing the door softly before heading straight for his office. Once he reached the desk, he pulled open the drawer. Guilt started to slowly seep through his chest as he had to look under multiple papers to find her letter.
Holding it firmly, he looked around the top of his desk. Eventually finding the second under a stack of books. Looking at the two, he sat down and pulled the letter out of the already open envelope. Pausing only to pour himself a glass of whiskey.
Dear Tommy,
There is something that has been plaguing me for weeks. I have met a man. His name is Frank Johnson, a good man by Polly’s standards.
He scoffed in disbelief of his own sister knowing before him. Taking a swig of his drink, he continued.
I know he will treat me well. But I still hesitate in accepting his affections.
I have always wanted a family, children of my own. I didn’t realize how much until recently. He could give me that. But I still hesitate. I cannot help but be hesitant. Especially since he could never have my heart, as I have given it away.
He felt his heartbeat speed up at the following words. Not able to read them fully without repeating them.
To you Tommy.
He looked up from the letter. Taking in the quiet of his office for a moment before pouring another glass. Taking a gulp before putting the glass down and continuing to read.
I won’t accept his advances if you tell me to. If you tell me to stay, I will. Even if I never move from my spot in life. I will stay, for you.
Love, Y/n.
Realization overtook him as he finished the letter. Closing his eyes and letting the warmth of the alcohol fill his body. Feeling all the blame of his frustrations land on him. But a small fear flooded him as he opened his eyes and laid them on the second letter on the desk. With a deep breath, he picked it up. Replacing the open letter with the envelope, he broke the seal and pulled it out.
Dear Tommy,
He paused, seeing her handwriting is messier.
I take your silence as indifference to my decision.
“Stupid.” He spat to himself, kicking himself mentally for literally and figuratively pushing her aside.
Mr. Johnson has been wonderful the past few months. He talks about the future. Of marriage and family. I believe he will be a loving father.
His blood began to run cold as his back stiffened.
But, again, I hesitate.
Relief, though short, floods his body.
Tommy. I cannot go forward without telling you how much my heart calls to you. You fill my mind with every word, and my heart with every look. I know the likelihood of you reciprocating is less than likely. But I cannot continue without you knowing.
I love you, Thomas Shelby.
His heart felt as if it stopped a few sentences before, but those words took his breath away. He felt amazed at it, yet angry at himself for not allowing the chance sooner. He finally understood the feeling he felt earlier. The one he refused to let himself feel. Jealousy. It had riddled him and wracked his bones. because he himself had begun falling for the woman.
If you tell me to, I will marry him. I will move away with him, bear his children, grow old with him, and even learn to love him. But it wouldn’t be enough. Not when compared to the way I love you.
But if you tell me to, I will stay. I will spend my life alongside yours. and if you ever could, maybe you could learn to love me too…
His heart ached at that. The fact she believes him indifferent to her, to not care, or even love her. It just… wasn’t true.
I believe he will propose soon. I will accept. If you tell me to, I’ll accept, unless you tell me to stay.
His thumb rubbed over a spot on the paper. The tear stain pulling her sorrow through the paper and into him.
I love you, Tommy.
Love, Y/n.
He felt his breath return to himself as he inhaled deeply. The very air felt hot, despite the chill in the room. Shaking his head, he put the letter down. Downing the rest of his whiskey, he walked over to the fireplace. His thought swirled as he lit a match and threw it into the ready to light pit. Watching the small papers and tinder light as he sat down on the couch. The fire slowly engulfed the wood around it. Feeling very much the same in his chest.
-----------------
Y/n rested her head on the window as she watched the town go by. With a smile, Frank glanced over at her before a frown took its place. keeping one hand on the wheel, he reached over with the other, taking her hand in his. She stiffened for a split unnoticeable second before closing her hand around his. A gentle smile on her face as she turned to look at him.
“I just have a quick stop before I drop you off.”
“What stop?” She asked, looking at their surroundings to gain some insight as to where they were.
His smile grew as he pulled over in front of a house. Her confusion grew as he turned the car off and stepped out. Shock slowly overflowed and cemented her in place when she spotted the ‘for sale’ sign.
But his figure blocked her vision for a moment as he stepped in front of the door and opened it for her. She took his hand and let him lead her out of the car and up to the front of the house.
“We can’t go in this late. But it is beautiful!” He gleamed as he looked over the front of the large two-story house “It has four rooms, a grand staircase, a library, and a beautiful yard full of flowers! Just like you wanted.”
Memories of her telling him her ‘wishes’ flooded her mind. She had been so caught up in the first letter she had written Tommy, she had practically described his house as her dream home. She felt tears fall from her eyes as she turned and watched Johnson kneel to the ground.
“Y/n L/n. Will you Marry me?” He asked opening a ring box and displaying a grand diamond ring.
“I…”
The black car pulled to a stop in front of the house. Y/n looked over at Frank with a gentle smile and leaned over to kiss his cheek. Saying goodbye, she exited the car and walked to the front of the house. Quietly, she took off her shoes and started towards the staircase. But she stopped when a warm yellow glow reflected down the hall from the study. She left out a defeated sigh, knowing he surely read her letters. With soft footsteps, she changed her path to the study.
Tommy was sat against the arm of the couch, his back to her. She quietly made her way into the room, Closing the door behind her. His head moving slightly, being the only sign he knows she is there. Taking a moment she expected him to say something. When met with continued silence, she crossed the room to the couch. She felt her stomach flip when he came into view. His jacket and tie long forgotten over the back of the couch, and his shirt slightly unbuttoned. His eyes met hers as she rounded the couch and sat on the other end.
“You read my letters” She spoke quietly, already knowing the answer.
“He proposed” He answered back, eyes not leaving her face as she in turn looked down at the ring on her finger “Figured you would say yes.”
“What does that mean?” She asked after he mumbled his last words with a scoff.
“Means exactly what it means” He shot back, surprising her with his defensiveness “You couldn’t wait to get engaged to that Piece of work.”
His words were soaked with something she couldn’t comprehend. Disdain? Resentment? Anger?
“And you couldn’t take a single minute to read a simple letter” She shot back as he stood from the couch.
He suddenly threw the glass into the fire pit, making her jump as the fire blazed quickly from the alcohol before calming back down. Her yelp from his sudden actions echoed in the room before his voice overtook it.
“You couldn’t even say it to my face!” he shouted with a scoff, placing his hands on his hips.
“You wouldn’t let me!” She hissed back, not wanting to raise her voice to match his “All you could occupy yourself with was work! God! Even your children miss you!”
“Don’t you dare bring them into this” He demanded as he stepped closer to her, causing her to stand up. “You had ONE job! Take care of my children!”
“I did my job! AND SOME! But it’s not my fault you can’t make time for anything else” She spat at him, anger now spreading to her heart, making her eyes grow with impending dry tears.
“YOU EXPECT ME TO STOP WORKING TO TA…”
“YES!” She shouted louder than him to stop him in his tracks, a tear escaping and falling down her cheek as she yelled at him “YOU STOP! FOR A MOMENT! AND PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST!”
He kept his mouth shut as she quieted herself down and continued.
“Tommy, I waited two months for a simple sign. You hadn’t looked up from your work to read a single letter!” A sad laugh slipped her mouth at the fact “We owe each other nothing.”
“If you had just told me….” He started matter-of-factly, leaning on his desk and rubbing his temples, but let his sentence drift off.
“You would have what?” She scoffed, tears falling now, but being wiped away quickly, “Stopped it? Told me to stay?” She whispered the last part.
“I just don’t understand” He shook his head, a hand wrapping around the back of his neck “Why now? Why him?”
She took a deep breath and was about to answer when the voice of a small boy sounded from behind the door.
“Mommy?”
Her heart stopped as their eyes met. His widened at the realization, and hers closed in defeat. She felt her heart stop and plummet as little hands knocked on the door. He watched as she let out a shuddered breath as she tried to gather herself.
“Give us a minute Charles” She called out to the boy as she placed a hand on her stomach to steady herself “Go back to bed, I’ll be there soon.”
There was silence before they heard his little feet leave the door. She sniffled and looked back up at Tommy. His eyes now holding a piece of understanding.
“How long?” he asked simply again, knowing she knew what he meant.
“Two months” She replied quietly, a sadness behind her eyes.
“I- I didn’t know.”
“You weren’t supposed to” She whispered, gaining her composure and standing straighter before speaking firmly “I can’t be their mother, Tommy. Not Like this…”
“Y/n…”
“I’m sorry” She suddenly spoke, wiping her hands on her dress for comfort “I need to tuck him in.”
She quickly turned and left the room, ignoring his gentle calls to her. Her hands were quickly wiping away the wetness under her eyes before she arrived at the children’s room door. Taking one last breath, she pushed the door open and went inside. Charles sat under his covers; the glowing of his nightlight illuminated his little form in bed. A teary frown on his face as he hugged his bear.
“What’s wrong sweetie?” She asked as she sat down on his bed, her hand wiping his cheeks.
“I heard you and daddy fighting” He admitted softly, as if saying it too loud would get them in trouble “You were yelling.”
She sighed deeply, closing her eyes to push down the guilt and shame of him hearing the fight, before standing up and turning to him.
“Scooch over” She told him as she climbed in next to him and wrapped her arm around him, something she has always done when reading a book or comforting him.
He moved over and cuddled into her arms as she held him tight. She let them sit for a moment before pulling back to look at him.
“I’m sorry you heard that” She told him honestly, gently petting his hair back “Sometimes adults get into fights… But yo-”
“Is daddy leaving?” He asked sadly, breaking her heart in the process, and Thomas’s as he listened quietly outside the room.
“No. Daddy would NEVER leave you” She told him, emphasizing the point “He loves you too much. Just struggles to show it.”
She felt him relax in her arms, letting her hold him better and more comfortably.
“Will you leave us?” He suddenly asked, making her look up at the ceiling to try to will the tears away.
“No matter where I am…” She looked down at him with a smile “I will always. ALWAYS. love you.”
She pulled him into a deeper hug, holding him as she hummed a lullaby. After a few more minutes before pulling away and tucking him under the covers with his bear. Once he was comfortable and starting to doze, she slowly left the room. Her heart pounded under the cover of the darkness as she closed the door behind her, having seen him next to the door as she closed it. Feeling his presence next to her, she laid her forehead on the door, breathing in the silence for as long as she could.
“Stay.”
The soft and quiet word seemed to fill the space between them. She closed her eyes again and inhaled sharply before turning to look at him. His bright eyes meeting hers in the dark, sparking the heat on her cheeks at their intensity and seriousness.
“Please.” He turned towards her from where he was leaned against the wall.
“I can’t…” Her voice broke as she felt her eyes growing wet again “I thought I could. I thought it wouldn’t hurt. But it does…”
She felt his hand close to her face, pushing a fallen strand behind her ear before holding her cheek.
“I don’t want you to go” He admitted, the darkness hiding them from the rest of the world, allowing themselves the vulnerability “I want you to stay.”
His voice is gentle, as if being any louder would scare her away. She melted into his hand at his words. Closing her eyes to enjoy the feeling as his thumb wiped away a fallen tear.
“I don’t understand…” She admitted with a small shake of her head “You’re with Dahlia. You’re with… other girls…”
She felt her chest constrict at the memory and reality of it.
“They were never you.”
She opened her eyes to meet his right in front of her, now feeling his breath softly fanning her face with each exhale.
“Just there to fill a void.”
His eyes searched hers as he spoke. Hers spoke of an uncertainty and an uncontrollable desire to believe him.
“I need more than that” She told him firmly, making him nod in agreement “How do I know you won’t go back to them?”
He thought for a moment, knowing their future depended on her trust in him. Her trust. Was something he never realized how much he treasured.
“I can promise you.” He got closer, their foreheads pressed together now “My attention. My trust. My fidelity. My future.”
She let out a small gasp at his promises. He finally leaned in, placing a kiss on her cheeks, the corners of her mouth.
“My life.” He ended with a kiss to her lips.
It felt like all the lights in the house suddenly turned on, yet no one could see them. As if the only person in the world was standing in front of them.
“I will always come home to you” He pulled away to tell her, panting slightly as he did.
She smiled as she pulled him back to her lips.