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On game days the gym always got so hot. Maybe it was from all the sweaty teens running around but still it always sent Kuroko’s head into a buzz. Today was no different. He was lost in thought. Deep in his own memories, this wasn’t unusual especially as of recently. The generation of miracles were getting more and more famous by the day. None of it Kuroko thought he deserved.
It didn’t start out as a degrading realization but as the comments on his incompetence grew consistent the truthfulness of them stung. He knew he wasn’t good enough; it didn't take almost everyone saying it for him to know. The berating he received was unimaginable. There were plenty of snarky remarks from full grown adults to people his age he never even talked to. When thoughts like this began to fill his head and burden his every breath he wished he was back in his room.
Alone and quiet. Maybe doing homework, watching tv, just thinking to himself or the nights where it got too lonely and quiet; the nights where he ponders slicing his skin or trying to cut his life short. There were many of those nights, too many to count. His brain often flipped through them like a catalog of things to drag him farther from reality. The feeling the memories brought couldn’t have been sadness, he wasn’t even sure he felt that anymore. It was just emptiness.
A plain feeling he could manage never bothering to open his mouth to form it into the complexity of words. If he were to be the pliable player he needed to be he couldn’t let that feeling overwhelm him, he had to keep it under control. If he was going to be useful that was his only duty to his team. Speaking of that duty, was he even fulfilling it right now?
With the end of that thought he was shoved back to reality by a taller frame pushing into him. Right, he was on the court and hadn’t been paying attention for far too long. The person who brought him back was Aomine. Words of irritation caught in his throat that were promptly swallowed. He wished to say “You don’t even need me here, why even bother reminding me I am.” Which was true. The other 4 players moved about the court and made an outlandish amount of points even without Kuroko trying. By the end of the game it didn’t matter if Kuroko had been alive and alert, they won effortlessly.
Kuroko loved basketball. He worked longer and harder than anyone else on Teiko’s team but always lacked. He knew that better than anyone no matter how intricately people tried to twist it to not seem pathetic he knew it was. He was desperate to feel wanted so he busted his ass to force his body to conjure up some hidden talent he could feed off of.
Eventually he honed his passing skills enough that the captain, Akashi himself accepted him to be a starter. Finally he was needed, wanted, even praised. He proved he had talent even if it was just a sliver. But of course it didn’t matter how much he cherished it, it was all going to slip away from him. The rest of his teammates had their own talents, their own reasons why they were indispensable. At least in their cases it was never called into question. They shined when they played. It was clear how easy it was for them to do things Kuroko thought unthinkable.
At the start seeing them at practice was a common and fun occurrence Kuroko looked forward to. But now, it was rare to see anyone but Akashi and Kuroko at their daily practice. The rest had grown too good for it stating in their own ways it was a waste of their time. Akashi didn’t complain as long as they remained sharp during games. But for Kuroko, such under-appreciated talent made his blood boil. He constantly grinded his canines into his lip in frustration at the sight of an empty court after school to keep himself from falling apart where he stood.
After the game no one cared about Kuroko’s absence besides the sly comment from Akashi to do better and Kuroko’s swift apology for it no one cared. Kuroko was more than ready to go home to rest, maybe even let himself sit in his sorrow and see if he could let this absence of himself he’d been feeling finally overwhelm him and not see that god forsaken court ever again but Kise interrupted his plans suggesting they all get a victory dinner.
They hadn’t done one of those in ages. If Teiko had a victory dinner for every single one of their wins they’d become regulars at every restaurant in the area. Murasakibara was already half way out the door before Aomine could speak “We’re broke Kise. Unless you’re paying pretty boy I’m going home.”
“Don’t be like that, let's go to Magi burger it’s cheap you’re not that poor! Now let’s go!” Kise suggested, more so demanded, before pushing everyone out the door to be on their way, even snatching Kuroko before he could sneak away.
They all didn’t necessarily hate each other, they were even friends but within recent days their conversations outside of games grew scarce. Each and every one of them had found their lives growing duller (some more than others) as basketball took up more of their lives no matter how much they dodged practice. It wasn’t exactly desirable but they made the most of the fading joy they got from it. That night was fun, even Kuroko could admit it but a pit grew in his stomach realizing this feeling was fleeting.
It didn’t matter if he was at his best as long as he was alone he’d never compare to the rest. He’d be lying if it didn’t form a raging sense of jealousy for some of his closest friends. Past his suppressed negativity he was still happy to have them. After eating everyone besides Aomine and Kuroko split their separate ways. Aomine had insisted on walking Kuroko home for reasons he didn’t bother to ask about.
The two teens started their walk, the air was cool and the sun was nowhere in sight. Kuroko would’ve questioned the silence that had fallen between them if he wasn’t busy racking his brain on how he’d get through another week of practice and games. “So how do you feel about this whole basketball thing, did you hear they’re calling us the generation of miracles now?” Aomine asked.
Kuroko refocused his mind stopping in his tracks at the question
“Uhm it’s been fun. I think it’s an honor to be considered the best even if I'm almost never a part of the praise given to you guys.”
Aomine stood confused looking back at the shorter teen. “You know the only reason my passes work is because people don’t notice me? That’s just as true off the court I'm used to it.” Kuroko explained.
Aomine contorted his face seemingly conflicted before humming in understanding continuing to walk.
Kuroko strolled behind him even more confused why Aomine had decided to walk him home. He was closest with Aomine out of the rest of the team but even they hadn’t been talking much considering Aomine was the first to quit going to practice. Kuroko attempted small talk but with every response Aomine looked like he had something to say but couldn’t find the words. Eventually they reached Kuroko’s home.
Kuroko moved to unlock his door but before he could step inside Aomine spoke up. “Hey sorry if this seems out of the blue but.. are you okay man?” Kuroko immediately said yes without missing a beat, his swiftness with the statement working against him Aomine clearly didn’t buy it. He didn’t even find himself convincing.
Kuroko was admittedly not the best at hiding his current health. Dark bags had formed under his eyes, he was always lost in his own world, and his face grew paler by the day. He wasn’t used to anyone noticing him enough to even tell such things but if it were to be anyone it would’ve been Aomine.
Kuroko couldn’t form an excuse just staring blankly into Aomine’s eyes. “Kuroko if basketball is too much maybe you should-“ Aomine whispered, getting cut off by the slam of Kuroko’s door with Kuroko slowly stepping towards him. “I’m not quitting, I can handle it. Out of everyone I didn’t think you would even suggest that.” Kuroko expressed anger , lacing his words. Aomine didn’t respond. With a long drawn out sigh Kuroko thanked Aomine for his concern and went into his house. Aomine lingered before leaving.
Kuroko lugged his heavy body to his room and plopped down on his bed. Not bothering to take anything but his shoes off, leaving his light off. He laid in bed letting those simple three words run laps in his mind “are you okay?” Aomine’s tone sounded almost pitiful. Kuroko bit down on his tongue tasting the blood start to peak out.
He felt angry at the mere suggestion he quit, to give up on all he’s worked for so close to the end of the season. As much as his anger tore apart his sense of reason he still felt guilty. Guilty that someone had to acknowledge his sorry state. His mind was a mess of nothing but mixing confusing emotions.
Times like this reminded him how hard it was to be him. He imagined it all ending without having to deal with all the intricacies of his life. The phantom taste of a bottle of bitter pain killers sitting on his tongue waiting to be swallowed or a tightness around his throat he couldn’t break free from. Any possibility was welcomed with open arms.
Basketball or rather, his own incompetence was running him ragged. He groaned and curled into himself whispering hoping he can motivate himself to finish the season or at least get through the night. The crushing weight of every thought made it feel like he’d keel over and die.
Tears soaked his sheets as he couldn’t stop his silent sobs. That went on for hours. Silence momentarily breaks for him to take a gasp of air between choking cries. Eventually the tears did stop. The crying drained the little energy he had left after school, the game, and having to socialize on top of all that. Even so he had to at least attempt to get in the shower. He was too uncomfortable to sleep, his body felt hot and sticky.
He struggled keeping himself on his feet as he stumbled to the bathroom. No way he had the will power to stand long enough for a shower so he opted to take a bath and rinse off after. He undressed and sat down in the low water waiting for it to fill.
He leaned back letting his head rest on the edge of the tub. He tried to keep himself awake but as the water got higher, the room got hotter, his body grew weaker; the sound of the running water lulled him. He knew it was dangerous to fall asleep in water but he began to think of letting himself sink under. He couldn’t bring himself to care.
His thoughts slowly shifted into dreams as his eyes fluttered shut. Sleep felt like a warm hug. He remembered a fairly recent memory: he and the rest of Teiko’s star team had gone to a bath house together for “bonding” or whatever reason Akashi gave them. They all sat in the soothing water making light conversation, joking with each other. Kuroko felt just like he did now, tired with the sound of water drifting his consciousness away from him. He began to slip under, not caring or able to move. Just holding his breath and hoping for the best. Thankfully Aomine pulled him back up propping him on the hot springs edge berating him to keep himself up but Kuroko was still half awake barely listening.
Aomine groaned and dragged his skinny naked body out the water telling him to go put some clothes on and that they’d wait together for the rest of the team. Looking back, Aomine’s face back then didn’t look all that different from what he saw a few hours ago. Worried filled eyes tracking his every little move. “Keep your head above water.” That’s all Aomine would say. It repeated over and over in his mind, unable to remember why he was thinking of that now.
Groggily opening his eyes he saw a distorted, tanned skinned figure with blue hair repeating for him to keep his head above water. He stared up hesitating for a moment debating whether to close his eyes or move. But with another call from that familiar voice he gripped the sides of the tub and lifted himself up. A scream unable to leave his throat. Glancing around the room behind his wet hair only to see it's empty. He didn’t think he was under for long but the pain in his chest made it seem like he must’ve inhaled an ocean. He fumbled with his towel managing to get his wet body onto the bathroom floor still trying to clear his lungs. He shivered on that freezing floor alone for an hour. After his coughing fit he drained the water and lugged his body to his room, haphazardly putting on the first pieces of clothes he could find and promptly falling asleep.
The next morning his alarm was ignored. School, practice, a meet up with friends, none of it mattered. He couldn’t move if he wanted to. He couldn’t remember the last time he missed school one day wouldn’t hurt anyone, not that many would notice. And he was right almost no one acknowledged he was missing until practice later that day.
When Akashi arrived at the locker room with no sight of his light haired teammate he assumed he was late but after changing there was still no sight of him. Confused, Akashi called Kuroko. Kuroko still hadn’t moved from his bed, still forcing himself to sleep, not hearing the rings of Akashi’s call. After getting no answer Akashi decided to find one of his teachers to ask about him.
Strolling into the teachers lounge he spotted Kuroko’s math teacher. Akashi explained his visit asking if Kuroko had been there today expecting to be told he was but he simply went home. To his surprise the teacher told him Kuroko hadn’t shown up at all. Akashi stood puzzled, Kuroko rarely missed school.
Not breaking his cool, calm demeanor he thanked the teacher for their time and left. He texted the rest of the GOM asking if they knew anything. All replying they didn’t, individually surprised Kuroko would skip for no reason. They all agreed to meet up in the school gym where they would’ve practiced.
Within the next 15-30 minutes everyone trickled in. All acting too good to be there preemptively coming annoyed. Once each bright haired member stood in front of him Akashi once again asked if anyone had seen Kuroko. All giving a groaning no. Nobody really knew what to do. Kise suggested they go to his house Midorima arguing the situation wasn’t serious enough for that. After a while all ideas stopped coming and there wasn’t a single sound in the large room.
After 5 minutes of silence Aomine turned for the door. “If anyone’s done twiddling their thumbs I’m going to that pipsqueak's house whether he likes it or not.” He wanted to mention he had a bad feeling about the whole situation but decided to keep that to himself. Kise immediately grabbed his bag and followed. The others hesitated but quickly joined them. Unannounced to Kuroko, 5 people would be at his door in under 30 minutes.
A whole day had slipped from him and he still wasn’t fully awake. Kuroko could no longer force his body to sleep and had to face the ache of his body. His whole chest still hurt from the violent coughs last night. He still found himself choking up water every few hours sending him into a coughing fit.
He’d been mindlessly moving about his home making food he barely touched, cleaning things that were never dirty and just staring off into space. He felt like the only way to keep himself from genuinely falling apart was to not think at all. Any thought outside of a menial task would send him straight to his knees which he learned the hard way.
His bathroom felt especially dirty. Something about it drew him to it feeling like there was something he had to spritz and wipe away. He was on his 3rd scrub of the tiled floor when he heard a firm knock at his front door. The echoing sound was the first time he’d been brought to his senses all day.
Suddenly the harsh smell of chemicals hit him physically making him recoil. It wasn’t like the clean sterile smell of a hospital, more like he just huffed a big whiff of bleach. He immediately called out he’d be there in a minute scrambling to his feet to open a window. Before making his way to the door he caught himself in the reflection of the window. There were red scratch marks all over his torso. He guessed it was from his pathetic attempts to get the water out his body earlier but he didn’t have time to worry about that, he just adjusted his shirt and speed walked to the door.
The door swung open and the frazzled short boy stood in front of the team who were crowded in his doorway. “Uhm…hey guys-” Kuroko greeted before sending himself into another heavy cough. The chemicals really didn’t help his pains.
Kuroko stepped aside gesturing for them to come in. All of them slowly stepped inside immediately being hit with the nose singeing smell. Nonetheless nobody said anything. Everyone found a spot on Kuroko’s living room floor.
“So why weren’t you at practice, or school as a whole today?” Akashi asked as seriously as ever.
Kuroko didn’t dare to lie but especially would never think to tell the truth, opting for somewhere in the middle, “Didn’t feel good but I’ll be there tomorrow, I promise Akashi.”
Akashi squinted for a moment as if he was waiting for Kuroko to falter under his gaze but when no such thing happened Akashi looked away. “Was that really it? I can miss a single day guys.” Kuroko sighed, crossing his arms. Nobody gave a response, everyone just kept their eyes on him.
Kuroko couldn’t exactly guess what they were all so fixated on since he was genuinely a hot mess right now. He was visibly trembling, half muttering to himself, the scratches were probably peeking out, his whole demeanor screamed that he was falling apart at the seams. Forcing out a confession wasn’t what anyone wanted but they surely weren’t going anywhere so they made themselves comfortable.
Aomine quickly found the tv remote and turned on some random cartoon for him to look at. Before he knew it everyone was scattered around his house. Midorima was opening his blinds and almost every window to get some sun in and the smell out, Kise sifted through Kuroko’s clothes finding him something besides pjs to wear, Murasakibara was elbow deep in his fridge finding something to snack on and Akashi walked around and let it all unfold. Kuroko was bewildered. After practically being on autopilot all day this was a harsh wake up call but admittedly not the worst thing in the world.
Kuroko decides to sit next to Aomine, hopefully his mind would tune out to the colorfully bright show dancing on his tv. Aomine had his questions but let him sit in his own mind for now. It did take Kise long to find a hoodie and jeans for Kuroko and force him into it. Murasakibara had insisted they go out for some food with no real objections (Kuroko did but he didn’t really count right now) they all left. Within barely 30 minutes Kuroko’s home was cold and empty, lively and full, and back to cold empty just without one less body floating about in it.
Being the broke students they were they of course went to magi burger. It was the only place none of them got sick of. Kuroko got forced to walk in the middle of the group; he couldn't slip away if he tried. They strolled the sidewalks laughing up a storm. They loved each other’s company more than anything. Even Kuroko found himself laughing with them. He tried to eat his burger but his throat was killing him he only got down a few bites resolving to try eating tomorrow. Midorima noticed and slid him his milkshake. Guessing he hadn’t eaten much he needed to consume *something* suggesting a smoothie would be better but a milkshake would do for now. Kuroko thanked him and finished it.
Kuroko knew they were all here for him but couldn’t exactly guess how much they knew. It bothered him but they were just too good at keeping him entertained he didn’t get to put much thought into it. Time flew quicker than Kuroko would’ve liked. In a blink of an eye the sun had set and everyone had to go home. Akashi and Aomine were last to leave but eventually Akashi wished to see Kuroko tomorrow at practice and left. Once again Aomine offered to walk Kuroko home and Kuroko of course agreed.
The walk was less quiet this time the soft conversation felt so much more comforting. They walked slowly, taking in every minute they could together even agreeing to take the long way to his house. Nonetheless they eventually reached Kuroko’s door. This dramatic sense of Déjà vu hit them both.
“Are you gonna answer if I ask you a question?” Aomine asked
“Depends. But I know you’ll ask anyway.” Kuroko joked
“What was really wrong with you today?”
Kuroko stayed silent for a moment.
“I didn’t even try to keep my head above water. I wanted to keep my eyes shut and just let the warm water cover me but I ‘Gotta keep my head above water’ right.”
Kuroko assumed it was perfectly straight forward but still vague enough. He wasn’t exactly sure Aomine knew what he meant by that or if he even remembered what he was referencing. He accepted it had to’ve flown over Aomine’s head and was about to tell him to forget about it; he felt a big arm swing around his shoulder and hold him for a moment. Kuroko stumbled under the weight and struggled to turn to face the taller man. “I’m glad you listened for once…really.” Aomine whispered so low Kuroko himself barely heard it. Aomine stepped away from Kuroko just softly smiling the smallest tears forming in his eyes.
“Don’t try it again or else I’ll finish it for you.” Aomine spoke up, taking a few steps back. “I won’t, who else will beat you one day.” Kuroko shrugged. Aomine laughed to himself and turned to leave. He waved behind him and started to walk away. He didn’t make it far before Kuroko called his name asking him to spend the night. Aomine raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue, making his way back to his shadow. Kuroko unlocked his door and they went inside.
Kuroko’s pajamas were a tight fit but would work for the night. They sat next to each other in Kuroko’s room just looking at each other from the corners of their eyes when they thought the other wasn’t looking.
“Thanks for staying.”
“Well someone has to make sure you keep your head above water.”
Aomine got a punch to the shoulder for that but he knew Kuroko found it funny. They never spoke of what happened again but Kuroko knew deep down Aomine would always be there. After all, he was his shadow.