Chapter Text
It started with one bad night, long ago.
Within the walls of the palace, in his workshop, Lucifer had been working away at making his ducks, like he always had.
But his own thoughts were preventing him from focusing. Dark, remorseful thoughts.
It hadn’t been long after Lilith disappeared, and Lucifer had been in an absolutely terrible state. He stopped attending meetings with Heaven and even stopped seeing his own daughter. He locked himself up, attempting to cope with all of the wrongs in his life with his hobby. At first, he was distracted enough to forget about everything, but it had been harder and harder for him to focus lately. He sometimes called Charlie, hearing something about wanting to rehabilitate sinners or something, but his thoughts were taking over more and more that he couldn’t spend time with her.
As he made another duck, his lack of focus turned to misery which quickly turned to frustration.
“Ugh, FUCK!”
The king ended up smashing the duck against the desk harshly.
His head hurt from the swarming thoughts and emotions he’s going through.
He hated how things turned out. With Lilith. With Charlie.
With himself.
He clenched his hand into a fist and hit it against his desk out of frustration. However, that was a mistake as he had a screw facing up which he didn’t realize and he ended up hitting it by accident.
“Ow-!”
He reeled his hand back, hurt from the sharp end. A few drops of his golden blood dripped from his hand onto the desk.
But that small action, that small mistake gave him an idea.
An awful idea.
A terribly foolish, awful idea.
A new way to deal with the pain. A new way to cope.
A way to make up for all of the stupid decisions he had made.
He quickly ran over to his bedside drawer, opening it and rummaging through the messy unorganized contents.
“Where is it…”
He quickly found what he was looking for.
It was a dagger. A small, oddly beautiful dagger with a silver-colored blade and a golden handle.
It was a dagger Lucifer used to have as an angel before being cast away to Hell, and he had kept this away to prevent bad memories.
But this time, Lucifer had a strange feeling of relief when he found it and held it in his hands.
And all he could think of were the ideas he could do with it. All of them were stupid ideas, but they were also appealing to him at that moment.
“Well, it would be messy if I do it here…”
Lucifer felt it was best he would go to the bathroom for his “idea”, to make it easier to hide and wash away.
And thus started a dangerous coping mechanism that Lucifer had hidden from everyone for years.
Years later, life had unexpectedly turned around for Lucifer.
One day he was invited by his daughter to see her hotel. One thing led to another, and he and Charlie had reconciled and started spending time together again. He was proud of her for chasing her dreams and wanting to help sinners redeem themselves.
He had also met Charlie’s friends and girlfriend, most of which he had already forgotten the names of, but one of them stood out.
That irritating bellhop with the radio-filtered voice and shit-eating grin. Whenever the two ran into each other in the hotel, they bickered and argued, almost to no end.
Other than this minor glitch in the system called ‘Alastor’, the king of Hell had been doing great. He moved into the hotel after helping rebuild it, determined to stay close to his daughter to make up for all of the time he spent without her. He was ready for a fresh new start.
However… things got worse for Lucifer very quickly.
At first, he was happy. But the more time he spent with his daughter, the more he felt ashamed for not being with her earlier.
She had grown so much. She had become so responsible and independent. And there were so many things he didn’t know about his little girl, who had become not-so-little in seemingly a blink of an eye.
How much has he missed?
How much time did he spend rotting away in his workshop that Charlie had already grown this much?
How little did he do until Charlie didn’t need him anymore?
He felt ashamed as a father.
And before he knew it, those dark thoughts he used to have came flooding back.
Who knew trying to do something good for once just leads to more pain?
Who knew even in the presence of happiness, it’s still possible to feel miserable?
But this was exactly what the “angel” deserved, right?
As more time passed, the more dark thoughts filled his mind. And the more thoughts he had, the more miserable he felt. And the more miserable he felt, the more he… retreated to his bathroom to cope.
No one knew. No one knew what he felt, how he was feeling. He was good at disguising himself, putting on a smile and acting cheerful and whimsical and as duck-loving as usual.
But one person saw the cracks in his mask.
There were subtle changes in Lucifer’s behavior, but Alastor had noticed it with sharp observation. How his arguments against Alastor seemed less energetic. The lesser he ate when everyone ate dinner together everyday. How quiet he sometimes is when in conversations with Charlie and the others. How his eyes seemed to defy his smile with how tired they looked. Small details that don’t seem much by themselves, but quickly become worrying when put together.
Alastor didn’t think much of it when he noticed the first signs, everyone has off days and just can’t help but feel down from time to time, and the king was no exception. It was normal.
But as time went on, Alastor kept noticing the odd behavior, and he was… alright, “worried” wasn’t the word he would use, more like “curious”. Curious about what’s been going on with Lucifer. What has been bothering even the seemingly whimsical king of Hell.
One night, as everyone had dinner together, the signs were evident yet again, though much worse than usual.
Lucifer barely touched his food the whole time. He was just staring down at his plate and spacing out. Charlie noticed it.
“Dad, what’s wrong? You haven’t eaten much.”
Lucifer was caught off guard when he heard his daughter’s voice next to him. He looked at her, seeing her worried face, and just smiled at her.
“Ah, I’m alright, sweetie. I’m just tired from today and didn’t feel like eating much.”
“Are you sure…?”
“Of course, kiddo. All I need is some rest. Is it alright if I leave?”
“Um, yeah, of course, no problem, dad! Just make sure you rest well, okay?”
Ah, his daughter was just as optimistic and positive as ever. Lucifer couldn’t help but smile, but the pain was still there within him.
“Of course. I’ll sleep early, so goodnight, love.”
“Goodnight, dad!”
Lucifer excused himself from the dinner table wordlessly after that.
Alastor watched him leave in a hurry. This was especially unusual for Lucifer. That excuse wasn’t very convincing to him, and he knew that the king had always wanted to spend more time with Charlie, so to just leave was an odd decision to make. The way he talked without energy was also rather telling.
Maybe he really is just tired like he said, but Alastor can’t help but suspect there’s more going on behind the curtain, behind that smile.
When everyone had finished dinner, Alastor made a trip to the top floor of the hotel, Lucifer’s penthouse. He wanted to see what Lucifer was up to, if it really wasn’t simply sleeping.
Alastor knocked on the door.
“Sir? It’s Alastor, simply checking up on you.”
He said in a rather straightforward manner.
However, he was met with only silence. No sound. No voice. Not even signs of someone approaching the door.
“I’m coming in, if you won’t answer.”
Alastor hesitantly opened the door, despite the sign on his door saying “No Alastor allowed”. If Lucifer really was asleep, then he won’t notice, right?
But Alastor immediately knew something felt suspicious when he didn’t see the king in his bed. The lights weren’t on, but he could tell. The bed was empty, even messy, as if it hadn’t been made in days. Where is he?
Alastor’s attention quickly shifted to the bathroom door. He noticed it was slightly ajar, and light was leaking out.
Perhaps the king was simply using the bathroom? While that’s a simple and reasonable explanation, the radio demon’s curiosity wouldn’t accept it. And so Alastor approached.
And he heard it.
Lucifer’s voice.
Sounds of sobbing. Whimpering. Wincing. Crying.
Lucifer was crying, which was out-of-character for him.
Alastor grew more worried curious about him. What’s wrong with him? Why is he crying?
Alastor hesitated for a few more seconds before gently pushing the door open.
“Sir?”
Alastor’s eyes widened at the sight.
Lucifer was sitting in the bathtub. His wings were unfurled but one of them looked incredibly damaged, with many of its feathers plucked out and golden angel blood oozing from near the joint.
Lucifer gasped at the unexpected visitor and turned to look at Alastor with teary eyes.
And Alastor noticed he had a dagger in his hand. The blade was covered in more blood.
“O-oh, it’s you…”
Lucifer’s realization that it was Alastor made him somewhat bitter. Sigh. Another bickering like usual. He tried to act it off.
“I th-thought I left a sign outside that said you aren’t… ugh, whatever.
So what? A-Aren’t you going to make fun of me? N-now that you see me like this…”
Lucifer’s words had little to no energy in them, too tired, too weak to bicker with Alastor.
But Alastor was not here to taunt him.
“Sir. Give me that.”
Alastor said, and approached Lucifer,grabbing the dagger firmly.
“No-!”
Lucifer lacked the strength to resist, but when he tried to get it back, he reached his arm out and froze.
Alastor was in shock.
Lucifer’s arms were covered in cuts.
Old ones. New ones on top of the old ones. Light ones. Deep ones. His sleeves have been rolled up to allow him to do this.
Lucifer realized Alastor could see them, and immediately turned his back towards Alastor, hiding his arms.
“Sir-“
“Can you get out…?! You’ve…”
Lucifer sighed, feeling ashamed of himself.
“You’ve made me feel embarrassed enough.”
Alastor felt the pain in his voice, even though he wasn’t looking at him.
But Alastor couldn’t just leave him like that.
Instead, he only had one question in his mind he needed to ask the king.
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Why did you do this to yourself?”
Lucifer was caught off guard when Alastor had asked him that.
It was an incredibly sensitive topic, but Lucifer felt too tired and too sad that he didn’t care anymore.
“I’ve been like this for a long time, since my wife disappeared. I can’t explain it… but the pain felt good, like I deserved it…”
Alastor was shocked, not expecting Lucifer to be this miserable. How did he hide it for so long?
“And it just got worse when I moved here. Everyday, I think about the stupid mistakes I did. My little girl had grown up, and I wasn’t there for her. I’m a disappointment…”
Alastor felt terrible for him. He wondered if he had been through all of this by himself. What about Charlie…?
“Does Charlie know?”
“Of course not. I can’t worry her. What kind of parent would I be if I told her my troubles?
But I guess I’m not even a good parent to begin with…”
Lucifer… had no one to share this pain with. He didn’t have anyone to vent to. He didn’t have anyone comfort him.
Alastor immediately felt determined.
“Let’s clean up those wounds.”
Lucifer was caught off guard when Alastor said that so suddenly. He had expected him to laugh, to poke fun at him, call him pathetic, something like that. Not this. He turned his head to look at Alastor.
“Why?”
“Because if Charlie ever sees these, she’ll be even more worried about you.”
Alastor was right. Charlie would no doubt be worried about him if she ever knew Lucifer had been doing this to himself.
Alastor grabbed a first-aid kit from his sink cabinet and started cleaning up Lucifer’s arms, while the king remained seated in the bathtub. After a painful process of washing, applying hydrogen peroxide to the wounds (which hurt a lot), and bandaging them, Alastor remembered Lucifer’s wing also needed treatment.
“Now your wing.”
Lucifer hesitated before turning around, showing his damaged wing. There were deep cuts on it, as if Lucifer was purposefully trying to cut it off.
“Why did you try to cut this off?”
“Because they remind me of… how I used to be. Before I fucked everything up.
I don’t want them… I hate them… and I hate myself…”
Alastor felt even more sorry for him as he heard him utter those words.
“Sir, you used them during the last extermination and protected Charlie, did you not?”
“… I did…”
“And what would happen if something like that happens again, and you didn’t have your wings to protect her? You shouldn’t do such a foolish thing. You have wings, so you should use them instead of taking them for granted.”
“… Yeah, you’re right…”
“… It would also be a shame if you cut off wings as beautiful as these.”
“You… think my wings are beautiful?”
Alastor paused for a moment. He didn’t realize he had said such a thing.
It was what he truly thought, though.
“Yes.”
Lucifer felt… warm when he said that.
Neither of them spoke after that conversation, with Alastor silently treating his wing.
After a while, Alastor was finished.
“It’s done, your majesty.”
Lucifer stepped out of the tub. The two of them exited the bathroom back into Lucifer’s bedroom.
“You should go to sleep, like you said. I shall be taking my leave now.”
Alastor was about to head towards the exit, but then he felt something tugging gently at his sleeve.
Alastor turned around and saw Lucifer holding a part of his sleeve. He was looking away.
“Can you stay for a little while…?”
He looked so sad. The way he wasn’t making eye contact and how the bandages on his arm are slightly visible tugged at Alastor.
“Very well.”
Lucifer went to his bed and laid down. Meanwhile, Alastor sat at the edge of the bed and pulled the covers up to Lucifer’s chin, tucking him in.
And just then, Alastor spoke.
“You are not a disappointment, your majesty.”
Lucifer was surprised that Alastor had a response to what he said before. Alastor continued,
“If you are, you wouldn’t have visited Charlie when she invited you. If you are, you wouldn’t be living here. And… if you are, you wouldn’t have kept in touch with her at all.
I can tell you care very much about her, from supporting her dreams to making her happy and worry-free of you. You may not have been there for her before, but you’re here now, and that alone makes her happier than ever before.”
Lucifer stayed silent as he listened. Alastor was right. Lucifer cared about her deeply, and Alastor knew he was doing his best to make up for being an absent parent.
“… Can I ask you a favor, Alastor?”
“What is it?”
“… Please don’t tell anyone. Especially Charlie.”
“My lips are sealed, your shortness.”
Lucifer laughed. Alastor was a little surprised that Lucifer laughed instead of being annoyed or offended.
But for the first time in a long time, Alastor saw him truly smiling and laughing.
“… Thank you, Alastor.”
“Of course.”