Chapter Text
“You will wish you never met me!” Rose called back to him.
“Impossible!” Shane shouted back with a smile. She grinned and then jogged to her car, sliding into the backseat before her driver pulled away from the curb. He waved as he watched the car disappear around a corner, then began walking to his own car parked a few blocks away.
He felt… lighter, he decided. Someone knew. Someone knew, and they loved him anyway. And he could no longer fool himself either. Saying the words out loud had made them real.
Being with a man was different. It was better. He was gay. Someone knew, and he had survived. More than survived, if he was honest. The tears had been cathartic, even if they hadn’t fallen.
He unlocked his car and slid into the driver’s seat, turning on the car to let it warm up while the seat heaters kicked in. He tapped an anxious rhythm on the steering wheel before taking a deep breath and leaning his forehead against the backs of his hands.
Cathartic, yes, but also exhausting.
And yet… hadn’t it been exhausting this whole time? Pretending? Lying?
Shane sighed as memories flooded him again.
Ilya collapsing back onto the bed. You killed me, Hollander. I am dead.
Worth the wait?
The feel of calloused fingers and hands on his chin, his cheeks. The rough kiss in the bathroom at the MLH awards.
Stay.
Shane’s breath shuddered out of him and he forced himself to sit up. He refused to break down about it in public, even if he was in his car, alone, with tinted windows and locked doors. He plugged in his phone to throw on his latest hockey audiobook then merged into traffic and drove back to the condo. As he pulled into his assigned parking, he realized he’d probably have to restart the chapter he’d been listening to because he’d absorbed none of it. It was enough to stop him thinking, but not enough to ground him in his body.
What he needed, he decided, was to run or hop on the erg. Exercise grounded him, always had. On the ice was best, but he couldn’t exactly go to the practice facility at 9:38pm.
He changed into some of his workout clothes and opted for running on the treadmill he had in one of the spare bedrooms—he didn’t feel like going back out to his gym, not when he could hardly think straight.
It took him half an hour and several kilometers on an incline for his thoughts to finally coalesce around two ideas:
1. He felt better, free, now that someone knew his secret.
2. He needed to come clean to Hayden, maybe to J.J., too, if not the whole team.
Everything else could wait, would have to wait. But he needed more people in his corner than just Rose, especially as filming was wrapping up on the X-Squad movie, and she’d be back in L.A. after the All-Star Game.
After cooling down and drinking the rest of his water bottle, Shane sent off a text to their group chat.
Capitaines
Shane breathed out a quiet laugh, then went up to his room to shower.
Ilya couldn’t stop pacing the kitchen. Back and forth, back and forth, until he could swear he’d started making tracks. It was better than scrolling through Twitter, both hoping and not hoping to catch news about Hollander and Rose Landry.
“Fuck,” he muttered, then realized he was alone, could yell as loud as he wanted. “Fuck!”
His phone buzzed on the counter. He wanted to throw it, prevent himself from spiraling further, but instead he picked it up and saw a message from Svetlana.
Sveta
Ilya threw the phone down on the counter and scraped his hands through his hair. Sveta would know something was wrong, but at the same time, he needed her. He hated needing anyone, but he’d always needed her.
Ilya sighed and got himself a water. Maybe zoning out in front of a movie with his best friend would help. He went to the living room and tidied a bit, just enough so Sveta wouldn’t call him a pig, and got the TV set up. He pulled her favorite blanket out of the chest and threw it on the couch before going back to the kitchen to make popcorn and get her favorite drink ready. By the time she came through the front door, he was already feeling better.
Doing something—anything—had helped get his mind off of Shane and Rose Landry and fucking tuna melts.
Svetlana took one look at the living room and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I’m fine,” he said, rubbing at his nose.
She watched him for a second, then sighed. “What are we watching?”
“I don’t care, you get to pick. As long as things blow up.” Ilya handed her the remote and then fell into the corner of the couch with the chaise longue and stretched out, trying not to shake his foot with pent up thoughts. Svetlana sat down beside him and relaxed against him, then scrolled to the action section and picked an old Mission Impossible.
“Subtitles?”
“Da,” Ilya said, knowing he’d be more engrossed if he had to read. This was about forgetting. He needed to forget.
Sveta set up the subtitles then snuggled into his chest and pulled the blanket up. He wrapped his arm around her and tried to disappear into the movie.
All he could think was that her body felt too light on his chest, her hair felt wrong tucked under his chin, and her shoulders were not broad enough for his arm to wrap around.
“Dude, you seem different.”
Shane nearly bobbled the plates he was pulling out of the cabinet for their food and looked over his shoulder at Hayden. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, there’s a vibe change. Right J.J.?”
“Oui. I think I saw him laugh earlier. Bizarre.”
“Fuck off,” Shane said, laughing now.
“No, really. Is the sex with Rose that good?” Hayden asked.
Shane could feel the blush rising on his cheeks and leveled a glare at Hayden. “Hayd.”
“What? Just curious,” his best friend said with a wicked grin before taking a sip of his beer.
“He’s not denying it,” J.J. pointed out.
“I’m not—“ Shane took a deep breath and realized now was as good a time as any. “We’re not dating anymore.”
“Dude, what?” Hayden asked, freezing with his beer halfway to his lips. “Didn’t you just go to dinner last night?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s uh… we broke up over dinner.”
“Why?”
“Long story,” Shane hedged. “We weren’t a good fit, really. As friends, yeah, but not… not like that.”
“She hit you with the ‘let’s be friends?’ Brutal, man.”
Shane laughed softly. “Yeah, but it’s okay. I want to be her friend, it’s just…”
J.J. was watching him closely, his brow furrowed. “Qu’est-ce que c’est?”
“She, uh… she kind of helped me realize something about myself. I’m uh…” Shane had to clear his throat and took a sip of ginger ale. “I’m actually gay.”
Hayden and J.J. just stared at him for a second that seemed to stretch for eternity in Shane’s mind. Finally Hayden blew out a breath.
“Well, that explains why you didn’t want to date Jackie’s hot yoga friend.”
“That’s what you thought of first?” Shane asked. “What’s wrong with you?”
J.J. laughed, and Shane’s heart rate finally started dropping. “Non, non, this is great. Now he can set you up with Jackie’s guy friends.”
“So, we’re… we’re okay?”
“Of course, Capitaine!” J.J. said. “You are our friend.”
“Thanks. Thanks, guys.”
“You don’t act gay,” Hayden mused aloud before cracking a shit-eating grin.
“Dude, that’s homophobic as shit,” Shane told him, laughing.
“What? I’m just saying,” Hayden said, laughing as Shane pelted him with the wrapped silverware that came with their order.
“Let’s eat, asshole,” Shane said, finally handing the plates across the counter.
“So, like, can we ask you questions about it?” Hayden asked as they dished out their food, Shane sticking to his salmon and brown rice with roasted kale, while Hayden and J.J. dug through the various pastas and burgers they’d ordered.
Shane sighed. “Yeah, I guess, but I only just realized I was gay last night so I can’t be your guide to everything gay.”
“Wait, you didn’t know you liked guys?” J.J. asked through a mouthful of french fries.
“More like I thought I was just really particular about the girls.”
“Yeah, I mean, realizing Rose Landry doesn’t do it for you would probably be your first heads up,” Hayden said with a grin.
“Hayd, oh my god,” Shane said, almost choking on a bite of rice.
“What? She’s like, objectively, one of the hottest women in the world—”
“And really great as a person,” Shane finished over him. “So yeah, if we couldn’t make it work…”
“So, you did know you like guys,” J.J. concluded.
“Y-yeah, for a while. Tried not to, you know. But… yeah.”
“Have you dated any guys?” Hayden asked, his brow furrowing as he asked. “Wait, what about Boston Lily?”
Shane’s heart stopped, literally stopped, for a second, and he ducked his head so he could swallow down the lump in his throat. “Uh, no, not dated anyone, not like you mean, at least.”
“So, Lily actually is just a friend?”
“Who is Lily?” J.J. asked, looking between them.
“Some girl Shane texts whenever we’re in Boston. Thought she was a hook-up but—oh my god.”
“Hayd.”
“Lily is a dude.”
“Hayden.”
“Lily is a hook-up but she’s a dude! Oh, it makes so much sense now!”
“Why do you call him Lily?” J.J. asked.
Shane just looked at him, raising his eyebrows.
“Oh—oh, oui, je comprends.”
“It doesn’t matter, anyway, we… I think I fucked it up, so I probably won’t see him anymore.”
“Wait, why?” Hayden asked. “You’ve been texting her—sorry, him—for years.”
“It, uh, I… it sorta got more serious the last time, and I freaked out on him. Told him I couldn’t anymore. We haven’t talked since.”
“Dude, that sucks.”
“Yeah,” Shane sighed. “I might try to fix it next time I see him, but… I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“So are you going to like… come out?” Hayden asked. “Because I gotta tell you, dude, that—”
“No, no, not publicly. I don’t want to be the first gay guy in the MLH. I mean, you know what guys are like. But…”
“But?” J.J. prompted.
“I was thinking of coming out to the team? I don’t know. I just don’t want to lie about it to them.”
Hayden furrowed his brow again, frowning. “It’s up to you, obviously, and I’m here for you if that’s what you want to do, but… I don’t know, man, do you think they’ll be okay with it?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. Like… it shouldn’t matter, right?”
“It shouldn’t,” J.J. agreed, the words coming out strong but his face holding depths of doubt.
“I’ll think about it before I do, I promise. Should probably come out to my parents first anyway.”
“Are they going to be good with it?” Hayden asked.
“Yeah, they’ll be fine. Maybe surprised, but otherwise fine. I hope.”
They all fell silent for a long moment. Then Hayden’s eyes began to sparkle, and he asked, “So are you a top or a bottom? Or both?”
“Oh my fucking god, Hayd,” Shane laughed as J.J.’s beer came out his nose.