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In a little yellow house on the same street as your own, there lives a man, all by himself. Sometimes his brother comes to visit, but he never seems to stay for long. The man who lives in the house is very sad. You know this because he acts just like your grandpa did when Grandma went away to heaven. You wonder if he had someone he loved go to heaven too.
You ask your mama about the man sometimes. You've heard her talking about him with some of the ladies from church. You never seem to catch much of their conversation though because they always stop talking when you come into the room. All you've ever heard is something about Mrs. Jenkins complaining about his 'lifestyle', but Mrs. Jenkins complains about everything, so you don't think it means much. Mama's never answered any of your questions like you want though. She just always tells you that you don't need to worry about him.
She also tells you to stay away from him and his house. You don't know why she tells you that though. The man doesn't have a mean dog like the Gardeners do, and the times that you've seen him in the grocery store, he seemed nice. He even smiled at you and asked you what your name was. If anything, Daddy is the mean one, because he yanked you away before you could answer and called the man a bad name after you left.
Even though Mama told you not to, sometimes you disobey and go over there anyway. You never go in the yard, but just stay on the sidewalk in front of the house, watching. You always bring your sidewalk chalk with you and if Mama were to ever ask, you can use the excuse of it being the best spot to draw because it doesn't have as many cracks as the sidewalk in front of your own house does.
From your spot, you can see inside the two big windows in the front of the house. One looks into the living room, and the other into what you think is the dining room. It doesn't have a big table set up like your house does, so you can't be too sure which room it really is. The living room window had curtains, but the man has never shut them before, so you pretty much can always see inside the house.
You're pretty sure that the man doesn't know that you watch him. You've never seen him watching you back and he's never come out and yelled at you for being so near his lawn like Mr. Rolle's sometimes done to you.
There are days when you know the man is inside, but you never see him. You're pretty sure those are the days when the man doesn't get out of bed all day. You remember Grandpa doing that sometimes when he came to live with you after Grandma went to heaven. Mama used to get mad at him for it and call him lazy which made you angry inside, even if you didn't know why. After Mama finished yelling and left the room, you used to sneak into the bed with him, hug him and ask if he would play with you when he felt well enough to get out of bed.
This is one of the days when the man is staying inside, but not one where he's in bed all day. You saw him in the living room earlier, before you went back home for lunch. When you came back you can't see him, but you're pretty sure he's still inside. You know that he would've had to drive past your house to go anywhere and his car is loud enough to hear from inside.
You spend a little while watching the house, waiting to see if the man will come into view, but when he doesn't, you decide to draw a horse with your chalk. The hooves have always given you trouble, so your attention is fixed on getting them just right. You don't even realize that the man is standing right next to you until his shadow covers your drawing.
When you look up at him, you see that he's not looking at you as much as he is looking at your drawing. This is the first time you've even been able to get a good look at the man's face. You notice that he, like you, has freckles across his face and green eyes like your friend Karen from school has. You don't see anything that would make this man scary and make Mama tell you to stay away from him.
Those green eyes eventually shift over to your own face, making you realize that you've been staring. Mama had always told you that staring was impolite. The man doesn't seem to be mad about it though. He just smiles at you and asks your name. You tell him before asking for his own. He tells you that his name is Dean. You like that name. It's much shorter and easier to say than your own.
The man, Dean, squats down to take a closer look at your drawing. He tells you that it's a good looking horse. You can't help the smile that breaks out on your face, not only because of the praise, but also because he could tell what it was even before you told him. More often than not, even Mama can't figure out what his drawings are at first.
You know it's impolite, but all of a sudden you find yourself asking him the reason why he's sad all the time. He looks shocked at first and you worry that you might get in trouble. You start telling him about your grandpa and grandma to explain. You tell him that Grandma went to heaven and about Grandpa being sad, just like him. You tell him how Grandpa had to move in with them because he had a hard time living without Grandma. You ask him if he had someone he loved that went to heaven too.
You suddenly notice that Dean's eyes look like Mama's do right before she starts crying. You think it's a little weird that Dean's about to cry because Daddy had always told you that only babies and girls cry, and Dean is neither of those, but you decide it doesn't really matter when you see a tear actually roll down his face.
You find yourself hugging him before you can even think about it because that always seemed to make Mama feel better when she cried. You tell him that you're sorry, just like you've seen all the church ladies do to your mama and grandpa at Grandma's funeral, as you squeeze him a little tighter. Dean's still hasn't stopped crying, even with your hugging, but he still manages to tell you thank you and hug back. You continue to hug for a little while longer, until you start to feel sweaty from being too close to another person in the summer heat.
When you let go and step back a little, Dean looked a little better to you. You know that asking more questions might be a bad idea because that's what started the crying in the first place, but you really want to know more. Before you can really even stop yourself, you ask him who went to heaven. Dean takes the time to breathe in a lungful of air, but eventually answers you. His name was Castiel, Cas for short, he tells you. He tells you that Cas was the best person that he had even known. He tells you that he loved Cas with all his heart and misses him even more than that.
Your mind once again goes back to your grandpa. You remember telling him what one of your Sunday school teachers had told you. How, sometimes, really good people, when they go to heaven, become angels. That had made your grandpa laugh and smile for the first time since Grandma had gone to heaven. You think that might make Dean laugh or smile too, so you tell him.
You don't get either, only more tears and some sobs. You worry that you said the wrong thing at first, but when you tell him that you're sorry, he tells you not to be. Instead he accepts one last hug for you, tells you your drawing is really amazing, and gets up to walk back into his house. Right before shutting the door behind him, he gives you one last wave.
You stand there for a few more seconds, not knowing what to do, before finally deciding to pack up your chalk and head back home for the day.
~*~
The next day, you go back to your spot in front of Dean's house. You're surprised to see the curtains have been closed in the living room. Dean's car is still out front, so you know he's in the house. Even though you can't see into the living room anymore, you decide to stay and work on drawing another horse to keep your first one company. You work on your drawing until it's time to go home for the night, never once seeing Dean. You continue to do the same thing every day, hoping that you might see Dean again, but you never do.
Then one day, everything changes. You remember heading out to your spot in front of Dean's house, chalk in hand, but stopping when you see the police car and ambulance parked in the driveway. You know something's wrong, but you don't know what. You know that ambulances mean that someone is hurt and police cars mean that someone is in trouble, but you don't know what it means when there are both. Before you can ask one of the people there, your mama comes after you and carries you back home.
Mama makes you stay inside for the rest of the day. When Daddy comes home, you hear them talking, and finally figure out what happened. You heard Daddy say something about how that fag is burning in hell where he belongs. You don't know what a fag is, but it's got to be something bad for them to go to hell instead of heaven. And for someone to be in heaven they have to have gone away like Grandma did, like Cas did. That's when you know Dean's gone.
~*~
It's not until years later when you find out exactly why Dean cried harder when you speculated that Cas might have become an angel. It's after you've gone to art school, realized you were one of the aforementioned fags, learned all about how there really are creatures out there going bump in the night.
You met Dean's brother a couple of years back. Sam is his name. He had become some kind of mentor within the hunting community since Dean's death. You told him all about your meeting with Dean and he told you all about their lives before that. To say the least, it shook you up when he got to the part about Castiel.
Sometimes you wonder if it was what you said that finally pushed Dean over the edge. Sam always makes sure to set you straight. Dean would have done it anyway; he was stubborn like that, Sam always says.
Sometimes, thinking about Dean and what he did makes you think. Dean knew full well what he was getting himself into and you don't really know if you think it was the right answer, especially for those left behind, but what's done is done. There's no going back for anyone.
You guess you'll just have to wait and find out the right answers for yourself.